The Arrival of the Kingdom.
Windwaker trotted on the cobblestone path. The air was warm and there was no clouds in sight, a perfect day to go to a griffon filled kingdom.
He was sent by Princess Twilight Sparkle to make peace to all other races. They had already made peace with the changelings, so Twilight wanted to make peace to the Griffons next.
Wind didn't know why she picked him. Maybe it was because they were good friends. They had a history of spending time together at the library. They both liked books, so that's one reasons they were friends.
Or maybe it was that he was a flyer. Well, she picked the wrong time for that. His wings were broken, and they wrapped it in gauz, He couldn't move it because it was stiff.
Wind went onward through the seemingly endless field. He saw some flowers on the grass, and he picked one up. He stared into it and thought it could be a good peace gift for the griffons of the Griffon Kingdom
Wind trotted again as he put the flower in his pocket. Wind thought if the griffons didn't like it, or he forgot about it, he could give it to Twilight. He did have a crush on her, and bringing this white petal flower to her might like Wind more and maybe she could go out with him.
Wind shook his head. She wouldn't do that. She was an alicorn princess with duties. She didn't have free time to go out with someone like Wind. He knew she liked that guard, Flash Sentry. He knew about him because she always talked about him, calling him "dreamy" and other ridiculous names.
He never actually saw him before. Wind actually did ask Twilight what he looked like. All she said was "He's more beautiful than a sunset on the horizon."
"That's not what I asked you." Wind replied.
"Well, it's a more accurate description than telling you what his mane color looks like." Twilight retorted.
They both chuckled. Twilight said she actually never told she liked him. Then she went on about her adventure with a "human" version of him. Something about a pony stealing the Elements of harmony or some bullcrap like that. He stopped thinking about that and continued on. There was a cliff overlooking a small village.. He imagined to be a peaceful area where griffons sold fish in marketplaces and travelers rode on cart.
What he saw was the complete opposite.
Smoke surrounded the empire's streets, Griffons were whipping others like slaves, Screaming was constant.
Wind was frightened by this. He needed to get to the bottom of this madness and fast. But he needed to find a way down.
Wind ran to the right to see a slanted down pathway. He ran down, slipping a little. He went off and ran forward to the main town.
Wind reached to the streets, which wasn't guarded with a gate, thankfully. He tried to find a way to get out of here and go forward to where the king was.
Before he was about to go, he heard a punch near him. He looked and saw a griffon fighting back against another girffon with a whip. Wind couldn't leave her behind, so he ran to them and punched the whipped griffon unconscious. The griffon gawked in awe at Wind.
"Thanks. Y-you saved my life." The griffon said. She looked at Wind. "What are you doing here in this damned place? Make us slaves like the others?"
"I was sent here by Princess Twilight Sparkle to make peace."
"Ha! Good luck doing that, dweeb! We can't even make peace with ourselves." The griffon flew away. Wind ran with her.
"Hey! Who are you?" Wind shouted to the griffon.
"Name's Gilda!" She introduced herself. "Follow me to a safer place!"
"Ok!" Wind replied back. They ran through the town and passed the other griffons. "Names Windwaker!"
"Didn't really need to know that, but at least I can stop calling you dweeb, Windwaker!" Gilda laughed. They reached an abandoned house with wood barred in the windows and doors. Gilda landed in front of the door and stared at it. She waited for Wind to reach up to her and the abandoned building.
When Wind did so, Gilda opened the door for Wind and then quietly closed it.
"So, what are we doing here, Gilda?" Wind asked as Gilda dug through the dwaresand found a map. She set it down on a wooden table in the middle of the house and spread it to reveal it was a map of the village and the whole kingdom.
"This is where we are." Gilda pointed at a house. "We need to travel to the Griffon King's Castle, located over here." She pointed at a castle located at the other sde of the map. "If we kill the Griffon King, the Griffon Kingdom will be saved, and a new Griffon Ruler will be elected."
"Who's going to be the new ruler?" Wind asked
"You're looking at it!" Gilda pointed at herself.
"Oh, brother." Wind facehoofed. "So, how far is it?"
"Oh, I don't know, about 200 miles."
"200 MILES?' Wind was shocked. "Why don't you just fly there?"
"If we fly above ground, the archers will find us and shoot us down. So that's why we need to go on foot."
"Who will join us?"
"Just us. But we might meet The Hooded Filly." Gilda said The Hooded Filly in a mysterious tone.
"Who's The Hooded Filly?"
"The Hooded Filly travels around The Griffon Kingdom alone and with a bow and arrows. Some say she came here to fight for us. Others say she's looking for someone."
"Will we meet her?"
"I'm not certain we will. But if we do, it'll help us." Gilda walked to the door. "You coming?"
Wind nodded and walked with Gilda out of the house and forward to the castle.
But little did they know that The Hooded Filly was watching them and decided to follow...
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I probably should have my head examined for doing this, but you're asking for constructive criticism even though you never give it in return. So I'm going to show you what constructive criticism is and maybe you can learn a thing or two in the process.
First thing is that this is another in a long line of stories involving your OC Windwaker. Nobody likes him other than yourself and your continued insistence that he's not a self-insert is falling on deaf ears. You need to choose a different OC that is unrelated to you in every way.
Now lets get down to the story itself. It moves at an incredibly fast pace. It's a little more than 1000 words and Windwaker has already arrived at the Gryphon empire, met Gilda right off the bat, saved her and now they're heading to the tower. That's not pacing, that's racing to the climax. You need to take your time in setting things up. Too soon and too fast means that you're going to lose your audience.
There's also the problem with it being an empire, but the ruler is a king. That would make it a kingdom. An empire is ruled by an emperor. The clue is in the name.
There's no reason why Windwaker is the envoy to the Gryphon empire, he just is. He's just sent there for no reason other than plot convenience. I know it's just a story but actions require reasons behind them. Just like his desire to give a flower to somebody there. He doesn't even know who it is he's supposed to meet and he's going to give them a flower?
Through another plot convenience the first gryphon he meets is Gilda who's being whipped for no reason. Windwaker of course doesn't know why this is happening and immediately knocks her out? I guess it's just the way that it was written but you said:
It seriously looks here like he punched the one being whipped, namely Gilda, unconscious and this is somehow surprising the one that was being whipped even though she should be unconscious now.
More exposition and they need to head to the Dark Tower... sorry the Tower of the King so that somehow Gilda can become the new King... or Queen... or Empress of the gryphons. Then Babs shows up as the Hooded Filly. You couldn't have made it more obvious even if you had called her "Babs" or had her announce herself.
You've got the barest minimum of a plot here, but there's nothing to carry it through. You need to give us more. We, as the audience. need to want to read this and Windwaker's adventure though Gryphondor. You also couldn't come up with a more original name than something taken from Harry Potter?
I'm tired from having read this and explain it and I haven't even commented on your spelling, grammar and structure.
Too many sentences are starting with "he" or "Wind". He did this. He did that. Wind did something else. You need to mix this up a bit. Find different ways of saying things.
You're not using paragraphs and instead seem to want to use individual sentences. Typically what you want to do is group these things together especially when they're related to each other. Start a new thought, start a new paragraph. If every single sentence is a new thought then you're missing out on telling part of the story. Fill in those blanks. Give us something to work with.
And if I was to point out the spelling and grammar mistakes I'd be here for another hour and I just don't have the patience for this on a Sunday afternoon. You need a proofreader and an editor. You simply don't have the skills needed to do this on your own.
You have a great story idea, but like Blackguard says you've done too much, too fast. For a thousand word chapter at the very beginning of the story too much stuff has happened already. You need to pace the story developments out a little more.
It would make a bit more sense if Princess Celestia had sent him, instead of Twilight since Celestia is the actual ruler of the country. And actually showing him being commissioned for his expedition rather than starting with him...somewhere.
Also, this:
Makes it sound like a very small empire. Imagine someone saying "there was a cliff overlooking the United States" and you'll hopefully understand what I'm getting at. It would be better to say overlooking [settlement where they are] because it not only makes more sense but gives a greater sense of place than telling us that Windwaker is in some nebulous part of what is presumably a fairly large country.
On the plus side I think you write Gilda's voice very well, but I'm a little curious as to why/how Babs Seed has managed to become Oliver Queen.
Oh gosh. This needed some more work on it, and obviously some more editing. (There are a lot of grammatical errors.) Also, Wind needed to be developed more before he went to the Empire. For example; How did he break his wing? How does he know Twilight? I know that Wind doesn't know this, but why was he chosen for a royal duty? He's not a guard or anything, and he has no reason nor power to be there. The only reason I can currently think of is if Twilight wants to kill him off.
Also, why is Twilight in charge of this in the first place? Making peace to regions outside of Equestria isn't exactly a job for a newly appointed princess.
And now the grammatical errors....
He should call himself a pegasus, not a flyer. Also, Twilight knows other pegasi, so this is a redundant reason.
Twilight should have already given him a peace gift to bring, so he could say it was from the princess. Also, one tiny flower isn't much to impress a king, so this wouldn't work anyways.
He says "something about..." as if he barely paid attention, and then claims he remembers every detail. So this paragraph contradicts itself.
Wait, why would he hit the whipped griffon? Does he just want to hurt people that bad? I Believe you mean the griffon doing the whipping, but the wording makes it sound like, well...he hit the whipped t griffon.
Also, I was hoping for more of a fight scene here. The fact that a griffon that is whipping another griffon obviously means the one whipping is strong enough to provoke fear. The fact that an injured non-griffon pegasus (pegasi have weak-ish hooves so they cab fly) just takes him down instantly really bothers me, and shows Gary-Stuness in Wind.
While we're at it, griffon is spelled wrong the first time in that phrase.
I don't know about you, but if I just got saved from someone who had been whipping me a bunch and is my slaveowner, I wouldn't call my savior a "dweeb."
Needs to be edited.
So, overall, this just needs to be edited, and slow the heck down. Also, it really bothers me that he just abandons his mission to go kill people. How the heck does he think that will solve anything?
Also, as I just said, SLOOOOOOW DOOOOOWN. Way to much happenned for only a thousand words.
And finally, I feel like the Hooded Filly seems really redundant, and was just added to have a cliff-hanger and incoporate Trixie or another one of the ponies you obsess about. Already, we have a bunch going on, the readers don't need more to try and juggle around in their mind.
Woo! Here we go with your story again, Theater-senpai. Same mistakes, over and over. The pacing, and the characters. I'd give you a review later, after I return home from school.
3139130
Thanks for the feedback!
I will get a proofreader and editor as soon as possible.
Also, the Griffon Empire is not called the Griffon empire.
And how did you know it was Babs? Oh, right, the character list.
Again, thanks for the feedback/review. It's nice to finally have someone to review my story instead of saying "This Sucks!"
3139196
One, who's Oliver Queen?
Second, thanks for the feedback.
Third, it isn't really the whole empire. More like a small village. The tower/castle is the main empire overlooking the small village.
3140236
K.
3140625
Alright, I'll get an editor to make more details.
3139495
Thanks for the feedback!
The Hooded Filly isn't Trixie. Trixie isn't a filly.
As you can see in the comments below, the Hooded Filly is Babs Seed.
Good concepts to start off with, but there are allot of flaws in the set up that need to be fixed;
1: Who is Wind exactly? What does he look like? Is he a royal guard or of similar status, or a friend of Twilight?
2: Better set up is needed for the Griffon empire as the sudden cruelty and slave masters is rather arbitrary. How does nobody ells know about this? Why is Twilight sending Wind to make peace when there's something much more serious going on?
3: Wouldn't Gilda be at least a little bit greatful for someone saving her? Especially a stranger, being a bit of a douche doesn't seem right given the situation.
So a better description and set up in the world would help the potential this fic has so far reach where it could go. Hope this helps!
3141790
The reason of why he knows Twilight is kind of a major spoiler in the story, so I can't tell you.
What I can tell you is this: He has a dark red body with coal black hair.
Also, Gilda calls everypony a dweeb. It's her character.
Why the fuck is everyone Downvoting my comments saying "Thanks for the feedback"?
I can't please these people!
Is it just me or is this the same exact story?
3149781
What's the same?
3149786
Everything. The same story, the same plot, the same spelling mistakes, the same errors that I and others pointed out and you once again seem bewildered by this.
I'm going to ask you a simple question and I'd like an honest answer. Are you just trolling now? If you answer with a question, such as, "how am I trolling?" then I'll know you are. And something like that could explain some of the thumbs down you're attracting. So think carefully how you're going to answer. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that you've changed. Your attitude so far seems to indicate that you haven't.
3149797
It's the same story because it is.
Why are you asking this?
3149820
That explains that then. Doesn't explain the rest of it though. Namely why you took it down only to put the same thing back up, why you said you were editing it when you didn't, and just right now when you asked how was it the same when you've just admitted that you changed nothing. Do you see how after all that people think you're just trolling? I'm still not convinced you're being honest and that you somehow think you're being clever.
It's because I'm trying to understand your motives and your actions don't match your words. It would be very easy right now to just dismiss you but I actually want to see you write a good story. I just don't know if you ever will.
3149833
I can't write a good story because people downvotes for no reason.
If I made a story of, lets say, Rainbow Dash and Twilight laying down with Eachother under the stars and talking about their feelings, people will find an excuse to downvote it.
It's too long, it's too short, Twilight and/or Rainbow Dash are out of character, the pacing is too fast, the pacing is too slow, this shouldn't be explained, this should be explained. Those would come up in the comment section.
3149843
That's actually two things. You're right on both counts but they're actually unrelated to each other. Yes you aren't a good writer but part of this is because you're still learning. You also don't listen to what people are telling you. Look back at the issues I and others told you about this story. You've got a wealth of information there on how to fix this yet you're not taking advantage of it. You need to put in the effort to do so and so far you haven't.
And the thumbs down are there for a reason. People don't like you. You're doing nothing to change this and you are continuing this cycle of negativity. If you can't see this then you're either blind to your faults or you're aware of them and you're just playing a game.
If you want people to take you seriously then you're going to need to work at it. And you're going to have to work hard to regain a lot of the trust and goodwill that you lost. Some might be easier to deal with than others and some might simply not give you the chance but this is the price you're now paying for being such an ass before.
The first step in all this is to stop deleting comments. I just saw on another page how your entire comment was the words "Fuckyou" over and over again. You're perpetuating this circle of negativity and people are going to continue to do this so long as you do.
So show your harshest critics that you can be a decent person. Listen to the people that are telling you the problems with your story. Make those changes and show everybody that you're being serious about this and given time, people will start to come back around.
The choice is yours and yours alone. Nobody can make that decision for you.
3149896
Oh the irony. I had listened to feedback and thanked it.
Each comment had 5 downvotes. WHAT THE FUCKING RUCK!
3149901
And this is exactly what I'm saying, You are doing this to yourself and you're either blind to your faults or you're playing a game.
You can't say "thank you" to one person, then turn around and say "fuck you" to another in the same breath without there being negativity. I don't even know why it is I'm continuing this as you seem incapable of actually listening. I don't want to repeat myself and I'm not going to.
Those thumbs down are from people that don't like you. Look at my comment, it's gotten two thumbs down and nobody else, other than yourself has those. Why is that? I don't know and honestly I don't care. People are going to give you thumbs up or down because they feel like it. Or they think it's funny. Or, in your case, because they don't like you based on your previous dealings with them. The sooner you understand this, the sooner you can start to work on it.
I need you to think about all that I've told you.
3149915
Well, I fixed some issues in the story, mainly the one with the kingdom instead of empire.
3149934
No you didn't fix any issues with the exception of changing it from "empire" to "kingdom" and you still have "empire" showing up there in one case.
Your story is still about Windwaker.
Your story still moves at warp speed.
There is still no reason why it's Windwaker who's the envoy.
No explanation how or why he knows Twilight Sparkle.
He still thinks a flower is an acceptable peace offering.
The whole meeting with Gilda is exactly the same.
Her calling him "dweeb". She never called Rainbow Dash a dweeb, so why call somepony who just saved her from getting a whipping that?
The whole "Hooded Filly" sideplot.
Of course there's the spelling and the structure.
So really, what other than the change from "empire" to "kingdom" did you make?
3151384
I fixed SOME issues, not all...
I THOUGHT I BANNED UMACHAN, FIDDLEWORTH, AND LORD ERSHWIN!
WHAT THE FUCK?
I THOUGHT I BANNED UMACHAN, FIDDLEWORTH, AND LORD ERSHWIN!
WHAT THE FUCK?
3151430
Honestly all I can see was the changing of the type of state. if you made any other changes I'd like to know because I can't see them.
3151571
I also made Gilda thankful
3151588
That's pretty minor all things considered. I would have stopped her from calling him a dweeb. That's something she reserves for ponies, or other griffons I guess, that she doesn't consider cool.
She never called Rainbow Dash a dweeb, so why call the pony that saved her one? It's just tiny things like this that make your story less enjoyable.
I wish you the best of luck because I really think you have your work cut out for you. Not just with your stories but with how it is you treat others on this site. I'm not defending people like Umachan, but I'm not saying you're justified in doing the same thing. Try to rise above some of the negativity and maybe you'll get a better response on your stories.
I'm not an English professor, but I'm a dedicated English student, so I'm going to try to pass on my knowledge. However, I'm going to be looking at your paper like a professor would, which means I'm going to be harsh, critical, and precise. I am not your friend. It is not my job to lie to you and to tell you that you did a good job when you didn't. My job is to critique you; to piss you off and force you to make yourself a better writer. I am going to treat you like a Drill Sargent would treat fresh meat. I'm going to get under your skin and tell you your writing isn't good because one day, I want you to prove me wrong.
A "C.S. Review"
First of all, your attitude with others, drop it. If you act like a child I will treat you like one. Even if you are young, it's always better to seem more mature than you are. Swearing at others isn't mature; it makes you look foolish. I also want to point out that saying "thanks for the criticism" will not suddenly make past deeds go away. You need to constantly present a positive or even a neutral tone when addressing your audience. Deleting comments you don't like and yelling at others over the internet makes you look like every "l33t 360 n0scopr" child on Call of Duty. It's time to step up to the plate and be a man.
Now, the actual writing:
Plot (Overview): So, in a concise nutshell, this Windwaker individual is being sent to the Griffin Empire to negotiate peace arrangements with griffin authority figures. Seems reasonable enough, but it's butchered from here on in. First of all, other than mutual acquaintanceship, Twilight and Windwaker have no special connections. At least, not on the level in which she would entrust him to negotiate peace with what is apparently a hostile empire. Windwaker, as you describe him, is an "average joe." Why is Twilight sending an average joe to handle a task of this magnitude? In fact, why is Twilight handling this situation at all? She is a newly chosen princess. Don't you think a situation like this is more qualified for Celestia or Luna to handle? It would make much more sense if Celestia had sent one of the Elements of Harmony to take care of this mission, not Twilight sending an average friend. In that sense, why wouldn't Twilight send one of her own, more trusted friends? You're telling me that not one of the five other elements were up to the task of maintaining peace in Equestria? I don't buy it.
On a side note, since when is the theft of Twilight's crown just bullcrap? Her crown is her element that helps stabilize harmony in all of Equestria. It also serves as Twilight's symbol of royalty. What "friend" is going to simply brush all of this aside as bullcrap?
Characters: When making an OC character for a story you need to ask yourself this question as if the audience was asking you:
"Who is this pony, and why should I care?"
If you fail to really dig deep into this question, then your OC probably isn't a strong character. Also, unless the story is a sequel or a spinoff, don't use the same OC for multiple stories. You wanna know why? Because we get sick of your character. It's like if Tom Cruise starred in every single action movie. Eventually, you would get sick of seeing his face. You need to make a completely new OC, one that fits the story more accurately than "a friend of Twilight". Why not make your OC a sophisticated ambassador? This would give him an extremely concrete reason for going to the Griffin Empire. He could be the most trusted ambassador in the sisters' council or whatever. The sisters in charge of the lives of everyone in Equestria are not going to send an everyday pony to handle this senstive type of work, and you want to know why?
Plot (In Depth):
That's why. This stallion has been sent to make peace with this nation, so why in the hell did he just fall in line for a conspiracy to kill the leader? If you are trying to win over someone's favor, the worst thing you could to is try and kill them. I don't care how bad things look, when you are there to make a case for your nation, you do that and only that. Now I see the direction you want to go with this story. You want it to be a bit more adventurous with Gilda and Windwaker conquering the evils of the kingdom and that's fine, but he should not have been persuaded that easily. In fact, this is yet another reason to use that ambassador I mentioned. This hardcore ambassador could originally begin as a pony dedicated to the mission, but as time passes and he spends more and more time in the kingdom (I'm talking days or weeks, not minutes or hours), he could slowly warm up to the idea of a change in leadership. Do you know what that's called? Character Development, and it is one of the most powerful tools in a writer's arsenal.
For example, in the episode "Look Before You Sleep" Rarity is afraid of even getting her hooves a little dirty from the mud under the table. By time the Sisterhooves Social comes around, she has no problem doing a filthy race while covered head to hoof in mud. That growth in her character is what makes her stand out and what makes her special. Your OC needs to have this.
Lastly, the Hooded Filly. Your intention to create suspense and mystery with this character was killed in seconds for two reasons:
1. She was just tacked on at the end like "Oh yeah, by the way, there's a mysterious pony around here."
2. You state who the pony is in the comments! Even if a person managed to correctly guess it was Babs, why would you immediately confirm that? You took the one element of "mystery" about Babs and ruined it further down the page. Avoid writing your own spoilers in the comments.
Grammar/Syntax/Structure: I don't like spending too much time on this section because I feel it's the writer's job to know how to spell and properly compose readable sentences before writing a story. The biggest piece of advice I can give you is this:
Do not write your story in the FimFiction chapter editor!
Use a word processor like Microsoft Word. You need to use something with spell check because it will help you quickly catch mistakes and small errors. You also need to take a moment and read some articles online about grammar. Before you go making a "masterpiece of a story," you should know what subject-verb agreement is. You should know what a comma splice is and how to fix one. You should know a good number of descriptive words. And if you need help with descriptive words, there are hundreds of online thesauruses that will help you come up with better words. At this point in your writing, you should not be spelling drawers "dwares."
In addition to all of this, you need to learn to indent the first line of all your paragraphs or lines. To indent, press the Tab button.
Fluency, Pacing, and Sentence Control: This area tends to be your absolute weakest, so you need to work hardest in this area. You say you have trouble with figuring out how to pace a story properly; alright, I can help with that.
When determining pacing, you need to first determine two things:
1. The length of the writing (one-shot vs. full story).
2. The scene in question.
What is it that is being described in the story? If it is something important like how Windwaker damaged his wing, there needs to be vivid and thorough detail. If it's something unimportant like Windwaker scratching an itch, we don't need a paragraph on it. Since you are planning to make this a full length story, there is no reason why some of the information in this chapter couldn't have been in later chapters. The first chapter could have literally been his thoughts and feelings on the assignment and reflecting on the mission's goal. You are not writing a one-shot story. There is no reason to jam pack everything into chapter one, two, or even three. You've revealed so much in one chapter, that you're going to run out of things to talk about by chapter three.
Here's a basic plot diagram so you can better organize your story:
lowvilleacademy.org/webpages/MBlow/imageGallery/Plot1.png
Moving on to my next point, I want you to read these parts from your story:
This isn't part of a story, it's a list. "First, this happened. Then, this happened. Then, this happened." It's boring to read. You need to learn how to make your ideas and sentences flow smoothly so you don't have this "stop-go" thing going on.
Other: There is one final piece of advice I can give you:
Read.
As simple as it sounds, reading is absolutely essential in understanding the proper way to write a good heartfelt story. Instead of reading stories about gracious amounts of clop, try reading some descriptive and in depth stories that really make you think and imagine. In fact, I'll link you four stories by three big authors on this site:
Background Pony by shortskirtsandexplosions
The Flight of the Alicorn by Ponydora Prancypants
The Best Night Ever by Capn_Chryssalid, which is a prequel to
This Platinum Crown by Capn_Chryssalid
All of these points and more are reasons to do some research before just jumping in. I promise you that as you get older, the papers you will have to write for school will get much, much harder. You can either sit and pout when the teacher points out your mistakes or you can get yourself together and fix it. Writing isn't easy. It's not supposed to be easy. But if you can master it's beautiful art form, there will be nothing you can't express in words.
I hope this information was useful.
~Cobalt Swirls
Check Your G-Diffuser System
Ha Ha! Nonsense.
Sorry to add more fuel to the fire but the people have spoken and this really is not very well written. Thumbs down.
3154206
While you have a point, I kinda feel like story premise is the area where breaks from 'reality'/canon/common sense are the most acceptable, because it's a question of what story you want to tell. You can say it would make more sense for Celestia and Luna to send Twilight on a diplomatic mission, you can say it would make more sense for Twilight to send one of the mane six, but then that would make it a completely different story to the one the author wanted to write and constructive criticism turns into saying that the story should not exist.
3141685
Oliver Queen is the Green Arrow, your description of the Hooded Pony reminds me of his latest TV incarnation.
So, the Griffon Empire really is just the space around the King's Tower? Even considering that Equestria is only about the size of Belgium (judging by how fast the cast travel across it) that's still very small for a nation. Especially one calling itself an empire. Although it would be interesting if the griffons were that powerless and that pretentious all at the same time.
3170205
There wouldn't necessarily be anything wrong with sending an OC character, but as he stated it, the reason for Twilight sending him didn't really go beyond them being casual buddies and a pegasus. I just think sending someone with more experience, or at the very least someone she knew better would have been more, justified, so to speak. Now if the two had been very great friends or extremely trusting of one another, it probably could have flowed more smoothly.
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I don't think that's their fault, really...
Do you ever write a story that doesn't involve Babs Seed in any way?
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I came here at random, so I'm sorry if this seems out of nowhere, but I felt like tossing in my own two bits. I think you're correct, there is leeway for getting a character to do something that seems unlikely. After all, unless Celestia knew/guessed Twilight's connection to the Elements, sending her to Ponyville at the beginning of the series seems like a long shot (although there are plenty of other potential explanations, since it's possible she sent her there for other reasons.) And we would never learn more about the characters if they didn't show us a side of them that we didn't know existed.
However, on some level it is important to keep in mind what sort of story a character is predisposed to and the realization that doing anything unusual would be best with an explanation. Pinkie Pie has proven that she's not good at working on the Apple farm. While it's not impossible that she might try to help out and succeed, any story about this should keep this situation in mind. If the writer wants to use a character who is effortless at helping, it might be better to pick Rainbow Dash or Twilight Sparkle.
If the writer wants to show Rainbow Dash looking after the Cake twins in place of Pinkie Pie, it can certainly be done. It might be hilarious and similar to the episode where Pinkie learned how to be responsible and care for them, but it's completely legitimate to suggest that a story where Rainbow Dash effortlessly and unabashedly loves watching over babies might not seem plausible. If the writer wants to write about a character simply feeling so much love for tiny foal hooves and cute little baby grins, without any need for explanation, then it would be better using Mrs. Cake as the POV character. It's not impossible to bring about this reaction in Rainbow Dash, but it is implausible without some in-depth character study to go with it. If the writer refuses to do this, then it becomes an obvious case of plot contrivance and it's only natural that the reader might question this decision.
Sometimes a story idea just doesn't work without certain considerations. If people start suggesting other alternatives, that means they didn't buy the idea, and the writer should consider adding in some answers.
This was added to Overly Stupid Fanfiction and Why.
Should I look at this?
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