• Member Since 7th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen Jan 5th, 2014

The Quill and Sofa Shop


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Comments ( 34 )

Pretty cool idea; just needs to be expanded.
Like, a lot.
Do it. Please. I want to see more from you.

2708613 Thank you! It really means a lot to get some positive feedback on my first published work, so quickly after I published it and everything. I'm so grateful! :twilightsheepish:

2708621 Welcome. By the way, that was a fast reply. :rainbowderp:

2708627 I have freakishly good timing, it seems. :derpyderp1:

2708644 Mmm. By the way, how does this story have four likes + dislikes... when there are only three views? :rainbowhuh:

2708660

Subject matter more than likely, or the short description. Haven't read this yet but it has gained my curiosity enough to go over it.

I give my approval

It wasn't bad, but I found it a tad confusing in the beginning. Of course, it may have just been me being slow. This being your first, it's not a bad start. I've certainly seen worse first fictions. However, it wasn't very well structured. There was no lead up, simply plopping us in the middle of a scene unsure of what was going on.

It felt a bit like if you were suddenly put in the middle of a movie theater that was showing a film you'd never seen before. You have no back story, no character development, no nothing. You have snippets of things that have happened before, but generally you find yourself unable to really enjoy the film you just saw. That being said, I feel like you can do rather well as far as a story, but it would need some build up to what's going on.

A good start, with the only real glaring issues being a need to work on descriptions and such. If you'd like me to go into further detail I can.

2708722 Yes, please go into further detail. I'd like to have constructive criticism.

2708727

The first I can tell you is the subject. There have been quite a lot of fics done about Celestia being a tyrant or there being a war between the two sisters. I can already tell you that works against you. Also the long description is very short. It should give the reader an idea of what is going on in the story, like the text on the back of a novel.

The story itself felt like it didn't have enough. It felt like it was being rushed into the point. Right from the get go we're thrust into a room with two ponies and an enchanted knife wearing different clothing with no rhyme or reason as to why we're there or why we should even really care. You do later explain who they are but it's done in such a way that a reader might become lost and confused enough to not even care.

I suppose the point is it feels very rushed. Being your first fic, that's a bad place to start. It looks as though you wanted simply to write this scene from a bigger story you were working on and just had to share it.

On the plus side, you seem to have a knack and a style your own and it wasn't completely painful to read. You seem to have the ability to write and convey an idea correctly, but you might need to slow down and think out what you're writing about and what the idea you're trying to get across actually is. I'd suggest posting something new. Take an idea and put some pony in it. Take some time, get an outline made and then throw that idea into a document.

I think you'll do well, just need to take some time on the stories. If you need any help, I'm around most of the time.

Cheers.

2708808
I appreciate all your advice. I actually have a couple full-length stories working with detailed outlines and everything. This was meant to be a one-shot though, just one scene. I'm not sure if that was very clear. I do understand your concerns though, and I'll be sure to apply them the next time I write. I admit I have some problems with pacing, so I'll be sure to slow down and keep things well plotted out when I'm writing. I was actually feeling frustrated with one of my longer pieces, so I sort of sat down and vented all of that angst into this thing, and published it. :twilightsheepish: Some planning would have helped.

I noticed you said that I was having problems with description in your first comment. Could you elaborate more on that?

Thank you!
~Quills

that ending is an old tired trick. You're the writer. Make the choice yourself

2708849

The descriptions just felt too short, to telling. There's always the age old argument of "show vs. tell" but I felt like a lot of this fic was very hand holding as opposed to letting someone let their imagine run rampant as to what they were seeing. Again, I feel like it might have been part of the fic being rushed. Of course it could also be a case of me being about as dense as a black hole. I think lingering a bit on what's around the characters or even what they're feeling or doing wouldn't be completely missed.

Hopefully that clears that up.

The Solar Empire took another life today.

A description is often the clincher in drawing someone into a story. So simply stating that the Solar Empire killed someone doesn't really give us a whole lot.

BR

This was an excellent snapshot from what could be a fully functioning series; I don't see why it's getting reviewed this poorly, though.

The dialogue is easy to comprehend, the story flows well, and the characters are believable. I could see this standing as one-shot, but the beginning left me confused for a while. But, you made the right decision for not including a backstory. Often, new writers would rush, or pitifully attempt, to add something that would make their story have more meaning. You don't. Kudos to you. You leave enough to mystery, enough to the own reader's imagination, to create something that not many new authors on this site can do. You even have good mechanics, and that's awesome.

There's only one thing I don't get. Comet Tail has no relation to the story whatsoever, yet you include him in it anyway. Why?
But anyway, good job. 8/10.
2709034 Actually, a portion of the story was Thunderlane deciding whether to take his own life to save Rumble's, or kill him. No matter what way you look at it, the author still leaves enough mystery at the end for the reader to decide what happens.

2709034

Which is the main point... Eh?

Well done, needs some expansion though if you ask me.

2708669 I meant how it was physically impossib- never mind.

2713161

Because of the way views are calculated and put onto the board, often times there's a lull.

2713401 Ah. That makes sense.

2709407 Thank you! I'm not sure why I included Comet Tail, it was just a detail to try to add to the realism of the story. I can see why you feel this is extraneous, and I'll be sure to be careful with adding extraneous things in my stories (I'm pretty bad about that, I will admit).

I had a question though. Why did you know me down two points out of ten, when the only real criticism you had was about Comet Tail? Is there something else I'm missing? I'd like understand your reasoning so I can improve my writing in the future.

Thanks,
Quills

BR

2713806 I knocked it down because no story was perfect. The only problems I had with this was that it was too short. Just over 1000 words is not a great idea, despite the site minimum. You did a pretty good job, though, despite the brevity of it all.

2714190 Ah, okay. I appreciate it. Thanks!

Wow I can see why the dark tag is on here. I strangely enjoyed that actually. Please I would like to see more from you. Strong one shot.

A snapshot like this doesn't have much context, and relies a lot on us imagining what led them up to that point. This calls for expansion, and I suggest doing a lengthy backstory that brings us to this point as the climax to help paint it in a new light.:twilightsmile:

Ahem, sorry, there wasn't much of a review in there. All I'm saying is I'd like to see more. :facehoof:

I came here from this thread and I got even more surprised to see you are making this a one-shot.

The story is well-paced and the dialogue simple and clear, however the beginning was a bit confusing.

Now I think you definitely should make a second part explaining what happens next, especially after leaving the suspense in the air. You could also create a prequel explaining a little better how Rumble and Thunderlane relationship grew so sour.

Anyway I give you a thumbs-up.

2708621

WHOO ANOTHER GREAT CHAPTER READ! WHOOOO!

2719949 How can you say that this story was pure shit
Im kidding this was pretty good:rainbowwild:

2721311

dufaq u talkin bout hehe just pulling on your chain

This was an interesting one shot, but like others who said, expand it. Potential is great, and I can finally see why people like the whole NLR/SE conflict.

As for exposition dump, I... don't really see much, which means its NOT an info dump. All I needed to know that they were enemies who were once brothers. The history, adds a slight touch to the emotional part of the story, and the 'tyranny' of the SE is well-addressed... quite subtle in fact.

Lol, when I meant info dump, I meant paragraphs. Yours seem to have lack of those.

2727756 I know, I was trying to ask if there was too little exposition, since I have a thing for not putting in any background at all. :facehoof: I seem to have the opposite issue as you. Thanks for letting me know what you think! I really appreciate it.

2727837 Np. Just means you're on the right track.

REVIEW

Reviewer: Stygian359

The following review is as objective as possible but could contain some subjective influences. I must warn you now that I am known to be truly logical, dauntingly so in fact! By the way I am Irish... don’t know if that matters.

Once you’ve posted your story in the group A For Effort you’ve accepted to be reviewed. No review is made to humiliate the writer but to make him/her grow and enhance his/her skills.

Name of story: Numbers

Grammar/Spelling: 7/10
Aside from the various peculiarities in word structuring there is little to really complain about, just be aware of what you write in the future and be sure to form your words more delicately.

As this story is simply an extension of a character's emotional state the fact that there is no meat to this story means very little,

Otherwise you handled it very well and besides the slight touch of sterility to the whole experience (due to lack of information) it did manage to grasp my attention. The ending was a little plain and left too much to the imagination without really offering much in the way of incentive.

It is an interesting concept and would do well if you were to follow up on it, whether based in the future or the past.

Be sure to concentrate more on your story's development next time as it is obvious you lean towards the psychological side of thinking, which is my preferred area of writing and one of the more difficult things to work with.

Verdict:

Approved

Your story has been approved, it shall be removed from the 'Stories Under Review' folder and put in the 'Reviewed' folder shortly.

Thank you for applying your story for review.

- Stygian359

This story has been reviewed by the The Equestrian Critics Society
Story Title: Numbers
Author: The Quill and Sofa Shop
Reviewed by: ChromeMyriad

This is a good little one-shot. It’s paced well, though a bit of scenery-setting would help. The characters are engaging within the confines of the length. There are almost no mechanical errors to speak of. Having said that, I feel this fic simply isn’t long enough to inspire the feelings it wants to. With a bit more development, I can see this scene having massive emotional impact.

Full Review
Score: 8/10

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