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Even after many years of living in Equestria, Luna still feels like the moon, cold and distant. On Nightmare Night she locks herself in her bedchamber, bitter and alone.
Somehow, an infuriatingly smug stallion slips into her bedchamber, and might just be able to bring Luna back down to earth.
A One-Shot
Written for the Random Romance's October Contest: LunaxFancy Pants
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I liked it. Let's get this added to some more groups, let some more people see this...
Cute.
To say I've ever heard of this pairing is a downright lie. And it's a very interesting take on it. I hope it's okay I post my review here. Anyway, let's get to it.
I'm struggling to decide if something like this should be expanded. It seems like a sweet, short story on its own, but several questions come to mind: how did this all start? Where did this relationship bloom and when? A story can very much leave questions, making readers beg for a backstory, but that doesn't always make it a good thing. Like I said, I'm in the middle about this, but nonetheless, it's good!
The writing flowed well for the most part and had a great style to it. It made the reading enjoyable and easy to read. Some 'be' verbs could have been changed to make a sentence flow better, but believe me when I say I care too much. It simply caught my eye, so I thought I'd bring it up. A big thing was when the tense shifted from present to past tense a few times. It wasn't so bad that it ruined it, and I've had this happen before, so it's not something too bothersome. I do recommend looking over that when you get the chance.
My main concern was the ending. It kind of just... ended. It felt abrupt and like it ended mid-scene. I felt like there wasn't much to read in this story except for a conversation they had, which was overall a nice interaction between them. It made this a fine read, so that's good, but nonetheless, I did not expect it to end there. Perhaps, based on the description of the story, you could add something about her emotions of his poem or perhaps him being there. Which goes into another thing.
I feel there is a lack of romance to this story; while it is some hints of a thing between them, it is not strong enough. Their conversation was very nice and enjoyable, showing some chemistry. However, for a story to be one of romance, there needs to be more more than interaction. Emotions and actions are helpful is these types of stories; ones that are short, sweet and simple. Or perhaps some more background on their relationship. We kind of go into this being a common thing, which is acceptable in many stories. I recommend some sort of way to show how it came to be and how it became something simple to Luna. However, I'm awful with romance, so this isn't exactly my cup of tea, and therefore, my advice may not be one to look forward to exactly. I normally don't like going right into the middle of it, but since there isn't much to show, it's fine for me. Still, if you want to give us a romance story, show us some romance, even a little.
Like I said, romance is not my strongest suit, so maybe I'm missing something. It would not hurt to look into these things for future projects, however? At least I hope not. It was a fine try at romance for the first time--very simple and enjoyable. Certainly gets a like from me from the writing and a good first attempt that can only get better through experience.
~Missy, WRITE's Resident Total Nerd
3381229
Wow, thank you so much for the review! That was really helpful, and I'll be sure to apply all of your advice to my future writing. You pointed out some really good things, and it's much appreciated.
I actually submitted a reviewing application for WRITE several days ago, and I was wondering if you had any idea on how long the admins generally take to send acceptance/denial.
Thanks!
Quills
3384967 When I submitted mine and got a response, that was months ago. I'm afraid I can't put a finger on it, sorry.
It shouldn't take too long for a response, however, but that's all I can really say.
That was nothing like I expected. I liked the story overall, though some of the lines left me scratching my head. It felt very...fantasy, which is simply not what I'm used to. Don't get me wrong, that didn't detract from the story. It just caught me off guard.
I had difficulty accepting Fancy Pants at first, but I grew accustomed to him. The fact is, your Fancy is nothing like the Fancy I've established in my own headcanon, so it took some getting used to. Your Luna, on the other hand, I enjoyed from the start! I being a devoted Luna fan, that really helped my interest in this.
There were only two things that I felt detracted from the story, and yonder Dark Angel already mentioned them; the ending just sort of... came, and I didn't get much of a sense of romance out of it. I kept waiting for the big romantic moment, and it felt like the story was over just when it might be approaching.
All in all, it's still a good entry for this contest. I wonder if this will be enough to finally de-throne me? Been waiting for that to happen for a while now.
Congratulations on your victory!
As for my thoughts... I've never liked present tense, so it was hard for me to get into the story for that reason alone, but overall I thought it earned the votes it got.
More people should know this. It's brilliant. Exquisite.
I was kinda hoping you'd do a sequel, but this is a one-shot and it would kinda spoil it. Of course, if you have written it already I have to read it. But I really enjoyed this, there weren't too many mistakes in the grammar, and I loved to see that portrayal of Luna and Fancy Pants. Keep it up.
listened to scribbler's reading.
so delightfully light-hearted and fluffy. an enjoyable experience