Unforgiven
It was, after all, a simple matter. An enchanted knife lay skewed on the table in front of him, a knife that with one insert, would kill a pony. No blood, no pain. Just an end.
There were two ponies in the room, one on either end of the table. Simply looking at them through the window, one could not tell who was the hostage, and who was the interrogator. They looked at each other steadily in the eye, equal shows of confidence, equal amounts of nervousness bubbling under the surface.
One was wearing a blue uniform, the other orange. One had a small crescent on his chest, the other a flaming sun. If it was not for the difference in their clothing, one who looked through the window would not have been able to tell them apart, since their clothing so neatly covered their cutie mark.
Rumble had, in his older age, grown to look so much like Thunderlane, a fact which he both resented and exercised. Thunderlane could not remember the hundreds of times that security had been circumnavigated due to his little brother’s sheer ability to impersonate him. Rumble knew his speech patterns, knew his secrets, knew his favorite flavor of ice cream and his first marefriend.
Thunderlane only wished he could say the same in return.
Despite appearances, Rumble did not have equal power to Thunderlane. Comet Tail had put a precise spell on him, so he could move anything beyond his face and head. It was up to Thunderlane to decide what to do with the enchanted knife.
They had put him in this room to prove himself.
The reasoning was simple, and Thunderlane knew it. If he killed himself, then it would show that he was weak, and it would be good that they got rid of the waste of a pony. If he killed Rumble, then he would prove his allegiance to Celestia and The Solar Cause, and they could groom him into the killing machine that they wanted.
They, they, they. The generals, the officers, the strategists, who sat on their fancy couches in Canterlot and only saw numbers, didn’t see the faces of ponies before they were slaughtered, didn’t see the burials, didn’t see the remains scattered across a battlefield, didn’t see the blood.
They, they, they.
Thunderlane tried to rationalize the decision in his head. Rumble had disowned him as a brother long ago. Therefore, they had no connection beyond the room that they sat in. As they were, Rumble was the enemy, and Thunderlane was the exterminator. Rumble had refused to defect or give any information, so he was to be killed.
Thunderlane found himself attempting to rationalize the other decision. There were no guards around, and the room was soundproof. He could tell Rumble how to leave, how to get out without being caught, and then take his own life. Did he owe his life to his little brother? Rumble had so much life ahead of him, so many things he could do once the war was over-if the war was over. Wars had lasted generations, Thunderlane knew from his history class. They could just be swept up in a sea of ponies, a minute number in a mass of stories.
“Well?” Rumble asked, his voice rough. Thunderlane had never heard his little brother speak to him like this, hadn’t heard his little brother even speak since his voice had changed. His last memories were of it cracking whenever he tried to sing, and even though it was obscured, Thunderlane could still see the microphone on his flank, even if the soft blue fabric covered it. “Are you going to do it or not?”
“Rumble,” Thunderlane said softly.
“Rumble what?” he demanded. “Just kill me already. I’d rather die knowing I fought for freedom than live knowing that I was a traitor.”
“Still dramatic,” Thunderlane murmured. His eyes lingered on the knife, faintly glowing with the power of the enchantment.
“Oh, don’t try your sentimental stuff with me, I don’t give a flying feather,” he said. He struggled a little against the magical bonds. “Just knife me already! I know you want to!”
“I wanted to,” Thunderlane admitted. “After you left us. I wanted to kill you because nopony in the house could sleep at night, we were all wondering if you had been slaughtered by another hoof. I just wanted to get it out of the way.”
“Fine then, do it so you can stop worrying,” Rumble sneered. “And I’m the dramatic one,” he said under his breath.
“Rumble...I...I...”
“You what, you old donkey? You’re sorry? You’re still my brother? You want me to join the side of some tyrant that kept the truth from all of us for thousands of years, the one that suppresses us and forces us to follow her every whim and command? What could you possibly have to say for yourself?” Rumble roared, thrashing wildly. “You can’t possibly have anything to say for yourself! Just knife me, and do it silently. I don’t want any words from you.”
Thunderlane looked at him steadily, unable to find the words to explain it, explain the tears welling in his eyes, and the guilt and nausea and hatred and love all mixing and pooling in his stomach, the way his heart was thrashing against himself, the way that he felt so dead and alive when he looked at the knife.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered, unable to meet his brother’s angry gaze.
“Well that changes everything,” Rumble said sarcastically. “Let’s hug and kiss and go flying together, Thunder! Isn’t that what we would always do whenever we got in a fight? Just pretend it never happened and go back to where we were. Isn’t that what we did when we wrote to each other a couple years into the war? The letters that nearly got both of us killed? I’m not hiding anymore, no matter what you try to do. I hate you. We’re on the opposite sides of a war. Kill me.”
All Thunderlane could do was stare at the knife, and wince at his brother’s harsh words. They cut into him far deeper than any knife ever could.
“You can’t even look at me, you bucker!” Rumble cried. “Look at me! Look at me when you’re going to kill me!”
“I’m sorry,” Thunderlane mumbled again. He reached for the knife on the table.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Cranberry Muffin · 55k words · 268 5 · 4.6k views
- Comet Burst · 9.7k words · 293 6 · 3.8k views
- abandoned2123 · 5k words · 28 2 · 819 views
- Jetto · 77k words · 223 5 · 4.4k views
- Jacoboby1 · 8.9k words · 71 1 · 2.5k views
- Stratocaster · 22k words · 61 0 · 2.8k views
- Milo_Chalks · 3.7k words · 49 1 · 1.6k views
- DegeTheMighty · 1.1k words · 210 0 · 4.2k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.09 seconds
Total duration
957 users online
2,404,400 hits today, 2,139,894 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Pretty cool idea; just needs to be expanded.
Like, a lot.
Do it. Please. I want to see more from you.
2708613 Thank you! It really means a lot to get some positive feedback on my first published work, so quickly after I published it and everything. I'm so grateful!
2708621 Welcome. By the way, that was a fast reply.
2708627 I have freakishly good timing, it seems.
2708644 Mmm. By the way, how does this story have four likes + dislikes... when there are only three views?
2708660
Subject matter more than likely, or the short description. Haven't read this yet but it has gained my curiosity enough to go over it.
I give my approval
It wasn't bad, but I found it a tad confusing in the beginning. Of course, it may have just been me being slow. This being your first, it's not a bad start. I've certainly seen worse first fictions. However, it wasn't very well structured. There was no lead up, simply plopping us in the middle of a scene unsure of what was going on.
It felt a bit like if you were suddenly put in the middle of a movie theater that was showing a film you'd never seen before. You have no back story, no character development, no nothing. You have snippets of things that have happened before, but generally you find yourself unable to really enjoy the film you just saw. That being said, I feel like you can do rather well as far as a story, but it would need some build up to what's going on.
A good start, with the only real glaring issues being a need to work on descriptions and such. If you'd like me to go into further detail I can.
2708722 Yes, please go into further detail. I'd like to have constructive criticism.
2708727
The first I can tell you is the subject. There have been quite a lot of fics done about Celestia being a tyrant or there being a war between the two sisters. I can already tell you that works against you. Also the long description is very short. It should give the reader an idea of what is going on in the story, like the text on the back of a novel.
The story itself felt like it didn't have enough. It felt like it was being rushed into the point. Right from the get go we're thrust into a room with two ponies and an enchanted knife wearing different clothing with no rhyme or reason as to why we're there or why we should even really care. You do later explain who they are but it's done in such a way that a reader might become lost and confused enough to not even care.
I suppose the point is it feels very rushed. Being your first fic, that's a bad place to start. It looks as though you wanted simply to write this scene from a bigger story you were working on and just had to share it.
On the plus side, you seem to have a knack and a style your own and it wasn't completely painful to read. You seem to have the ability to write and convey an idea correctly, but you might need to slow down and think out what you're writing about and what the idea you're trying to get across actually is. I'd suggest posting something new. Take an idea and put some pony in it. Take some time, get an outline made and then throw that idea into a document.
I think you'll do well, just need to take some time on the stories. If you need any help, I'm around most of the time.
Cheers.
2708808
Some planning would have helped.
I appreciate all your advice. I actually have a couple full-length stories working with detailed outlines and everything. This was meant to be a one-shot though, just one scene. I'm not sure if that was very clear. I do understand your concerns though, and I'll be sure to apply them the next time I write. I admit I have some problems with pacing, so I'll be sure to slow down and keep things well plotted out when I'm writing. I was actually feeling frustrated with one of my longer pieces, so I sort of sat down and vented all of that angst into this thing, and published it.
I noticed you said that I was having problems with description in your first comment. Could you elaborate more on that?
Thank you!
~Quills
that ending is an old tired trick. You're the writer. Make the choice yourself
2708849
The descriptions just felt too short, to telling. There's always the age old argument of "show vs. tell" but I felt like a lot of this fic was very hand holding as opposed to letting someone let their imagine run rampant as to what they were seeing. Again, I feel like it might have been part of the fic being rushed. Of course it could also be a case of me being about as dense as a black hole. I think lingering a bit on what's around the characters or even what they're feeling or doing wouldn't be completely missed.
Hopefully that clears that up.
The Solar Empire took another life today.
A description is often the clincher in drawing someone into a story. So simply stating that the Solar Empire killed someone doesn't really give us a whole lot.
This was an excellent snapshot from what could be a fully functioning series; I don't see why it's getting reviewed this poorly, though.
The dialogue is easy to comprehend, the story flows well, and the characters are believable. I could see this standing as one-shot, but the beginning left me confused for a while. But, you made the right decision for not including a backstory. Often, new writers would rush, or pitifully attempt, to add something that would make their story have more meaning. You don't. Kudos to you. You leave enough to mystery, enough to the own reader's imagination, to create something that not many new authors on this site can do. You even have good mechanics, and that's awesome.
There's only one thing I don't get. Comet Tail has no relation to the story whatsoever, yet you include him in it anyway. Why?
But anyway, good job. 8/10.
2709034 Actually, a portion of the story was Thunderlane deciding whether to take his own life to save Rumble's, or kill him. No matter what way you look at it, the author still leaves enough mystery at the end for the reader to decide what happens.
2709034
Which is the main point... Eh?
Well done, needs some expansion though if you ask me.
2708669 I meant how it was physically impossib- never mind.
2713161
Because of the way views are calculated and put onto the board, often times there's a lull.
2713401 Ah. That makes sense.
2709407 Thank you! I'm not sure why I included Comet Tail, it was just a detail to try to add to the realism of the story. I can see why you feel this is extraneous, and I'll be sure to be careful with adding extraneous things in my stories (I'm pretty bad about that, I will admit).
I had a question though. Why did you know me down two points out of ten, when the only real criticism you had was about Comet Tail? Is there something else I'm missing? I'd like understand your reasoning so I can improve my writing in the future.
Thanks,
Quills
2713806 I knocked it down because no story was perfect. The only problems I had with this was that it was too short. Just over 1000 words is not a great idea, despite the site minimum. You did a pretty good job, though, despite the brevity of it all.
2714190 Ah, okay. I appreciate it. Thanks!
Wow I can see why the dark tag is on here. I strangely enjoyed that actually. Please I would like to see more from you. Strong one shot.
A snapshot like this doesn't have much context, and relies a lot on us imagining what led them up to that point. This calls for expansion, and I suggest doing a lengthy backstory that brings us to this point as the climax to help paint it in a new light.
Ahem, sorry, there wasn't much of a review in there. All I'm saying is I'd like to see more.
I came here from this thread and I got even more surprised to see you are making this a one-shot.
The story is well-paced and the dialogue simple and clear, however the beginning was a bit confusing.
Now I think you definitely should make a second part explaining what happens next, especially after leaving the suspense in the air. You could also create a prequel explaining a little better how Rumble and Thunderlane relationship grew so sour.
Anyway I give you a thumbs-up.
2708621
WHOO ANOTHER GREAT CHAPTER READ! WHOOOO!
2719949 How can you say that this story was pure shit
Im kidding this was pretty good
2721311
dufaq u talkin bout hehe just pulling on your chain
This was an interesting one shot, but like others who said, expand it. Potential is great, and I can finally see why people like the whole NLR/SE conflict.
As for exposition dump, I... don't really see much, which means its NOT an info dump. All I needed to know that they were enemies who were once brothers. The history, adds a slight touch to the emotional part of the story, and the 'tyranny' of the SE is well-addressed... quite subtle in fact.
Lol, when I meant info dump, I meant paragraphs. Yours seem to have lack of those.
2727756 I know, I was trying to ask if there was too little exposition, since I have a thing for not putting in any background at all.
I seem to have the opposite issue as you. Thanks for letting me know what you think! I really appreciate it.
2727837 Np. Just means you're on the right track.
This story has been reviewed by the The Equestrian Critics Society
Story Title: Numbers
Author: The Quill and Sofa Shop
Reviewed by: ChromeMyriad
This is a good little one-shot. It’s paced well, though a bit of scenery-setting would help. The characters are engaging within the confines of the length. There are almost no mechanical errors to speak of. Having said that, I feel this fic simply isn’t long enough to inspire the feelings it wants to. With a bit more development, I can see this scene having massive emotional impact.
Full Review
Score: 8/10