Artorias
Artorias winced as the blade of the human who stood up to him hit. In his mind, he was protesting everything he was doing, but on the surface, he had no control. His soul was corrupted by the abyss and all control over his own body gone. All his body did was fight. The human was winning, and he knew it. Maybe it was his time to go. To finally find peace. When he dies, he knew it would be this knights duty to stop the spread of the Abyss. As the final blow landed, Artorias fell to the ground, struggling to hold himself up as he felt his life drain away. Peace. Peace from the darkness that was in his soul. He hoped Sif was ok, and then he died.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
In a land in a far away dimension from Oolacile and Lordran, a purple mare trotted down the streets of the bustling town market, looking for her friends. As they came into view, she waved her hoof in their direction, getting their attention. As she walked up to the group and greeted them with "hellos" and the like. For her, it was just a normal day, and she thought of this day like any other. But it was not meant to be, as a Knight from a different land would be brought upon this land to stop beings who use dark and aid the dark in turn.
"Hey Twilight" Rainbow Dash said
"Hey Rainbow. Wait, I thought today was a rainy day." Twilight replied
"Got orders from Canterlot to keep the skies clear. Something about meteor showers and stars." Rainbow replied
"Ok... So, Rarity, any new designs?" Twilight asked Rarity
"Why yes, i'm glad you asked, I had this idea for -"
Twilight cut her off, "We can talk about this later, i was just asking for a yes or no question." Rarity nodded
"It must be real important to cancel rain during harvest season." Applejack said
"Twilight, could you find out what is going on?" Rarity asked
"I guess we'll see tonight." Twilight stated
She was all but right.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Artorias felt nothing and could see nothing, not even himself. Was he is the Abyss? Or somewhere else away from Oolacile and Lordran? Or was this just death, an unbearable limbo, or maybe purgatory? Artorias cursed himself for having such a weak will to resist the Abyss. There was nothing he could do though, no matter how hard he tried. Then he felt an ancient magic, long before the Age of fire, as it began to pull his soul away from wherever he was. he looked down and saw ground, was he dreaming or was this real? unfortunately for him, it was all too real. He was falling, and fast. He could now see his armored hands and became scared. Would the fall kill him? he had more questions than answers.
As he continued to fall, he could make out a castle and a few towns scattered around. Was this Lordran? The castle looked nothing like Anor Londo, so he doubted that this was Lordran. One question down, multiple left. Unwillingly continuing the plummet into this new land, Artorias noticed his dissent was hastening, like an unknown force was hustling him along.
Before contact, Artorias braced himself as he slammed into the cobbled ground at an unimaginable force. If there was anyone standing around him, they were either dead or dying. if they were near, they may be injured. getting on one knee, . He could hear the sounds of approaching footsteps and shouts of "It landed over here!" and gasps of shock. Was this their first time seeing one such as him? As he looked up, he mimic'd their look of surprise and shock. If they could see his face, they would see a battle hardened knight who experienced death only to crash into a foreign land. Knowing soul freedom for only a few moments, he felt an all too familiar feeling of weariness and fatigue overcome him.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Ponies stood around the unconscious creature that had just crashed into Canterlot as the sound of hoofsteps of the approaching guards putting a perimeter around the grounded Artorias.
A captain trotted up to a guard and asked "Any clue what to make of this?"
The guard responded with "No sir, never seen anything like this before."
The captain looked over to the other captains and said " We move this to the castle and examine it, until then, get a message to the princess and the elements. Maybe then we can find out what this thing is."
Captain Shining Armor stepped forward and said "Get statements from everypony. I want to know where this thing came from and how it got here."
As the guards began to move the unconscious being, news had just reached princess celestia, who was shocked by her sisters prediction being correct. "You were right Luna."
Luna nodded "I did say that something would come today. You should listen to me about these things more often."
Celestia nodded "The guards are moving the creature into the castle so we may question it when it wakes."
Luna pouted "You never let me do the questioning."
Celestia looked to her younger sibling "You're going to be present for it though."
Luna nodded and thought about the strange creature "It feels dark, very dark."
As the guards entered the castle with one resting Abysswalker, they let other guards continue as they headed back to the site that the creature had crash landed. Night was approaching and Luna's guards would be out to watch over it. The day guards felt uneasy around Luna's guards because their origin came from a land away from equestria. The day guards were under orders to guard all potential exits that the creature could use. They didn't expect it to be stronger than the combined strength of the two guard groups. It would be answered soon.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Artorias stirred as he felt his form lightly touch ground. opening his eyes, he found himself in a large and spacious room. sitting up, he noticed his left arm was no longer broken. feeling his back, he noticed his sword was gone. The sword he had owned for so long was now nowhere to be found. He cursed himself for being weak once more. Looking around he saw multiple pairs of yellow eyes. Last time he could control himself, the abyssal monstrosities had red eyes. Standing up, he looked around him, noticing more and more pairs of eyes. Escape from his captors would be difficult, but now he could use his left arm. shifting his attention, the human knight heard one speak "Don't even attempt escape creature, we have everything covered."
Creature? They were one's to talk. Artorias moved around, almost strafing the one who spoke.
"What? To stupid to speak?" The same pony spoke
Artorias would not take smack from a pony. Perhaps it was good that they didn't know who he was, as that would allow him to hold his true strength. He was known for his skill with Greatswords and his unbendable will.
Lord Gwyn didn't just hand out Knighthood to anyone, Artorias earned his and the nickname of "Abysswalker Artorias".
"He'll speak soon enough." said another pony.
"I heard the princess will be here soon. This'l be fun. Haven't seen any action for a while now." The pony chuckled.
Minutes passed as footsteps could be heard from one of the doors opened. Artorias turned to the sound and saw a larger pony enter. This one was a stark white with flowing hair. Next to it was a smaller dark blue. Guards surrounded the two.
"It's good to see that you are awake now." The larger one said to the knight. "Now, I'd like to ask you questions, and you don't really have a choice, so it would be better that you answer them. Are we clear?"
Artorias just looked at her from behind the black shroud that covered his face.
The pony became irritated as the creature didnt even respond. "Are we clear?"
Artorias continued to stare.
"Well, I guess we'll have to use other methods. I can make you talk, or you can speak for yourself."
Artorias winced at the thought of not controlling himself again. The pony saw the movement. "You understand me, that's good to know. Then you know what torture is correct?"
Artorias nodded slowly.
"Good, well, i'll tell you my name and you tell me yours. My name is Celestia." Artorias remained silent. Further irritating her.
As she began to leave out of pure anger, Artorias spoke up "My name, you want to know it? Right? Well it's Artorias. Knight Artorias."
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Some grammar errors here and there, nothing harsh though. Few missed capitalization.
Little bit more details wold be nice, especially since not many know of Artorias.
Details aren't needed here, but a bit of depth. Especially, since Celestia is hardly ever angry. Why is she so angry? Lack of manners? Is she uneasy due to this knight?
Other than that, I look forward to see where this leads.
2690068
Artorias is something she has never seen in her rule. Also, Artorias (if youve played AoTA) was controlled by pure darkness, and it is very evident that he (Didnt really explain that) still has darkness in him.
Also he shows no respect for her at all because he is in a foriegn land, with no contact to the other knights and he is worried that his companion (Sif) is in trouble.
He's more worried about himself and his companion than the others around him.
Artorias is also unaware that she is a "God" and believes her to be a mortal like himself. After all, he is the only human knight of Gwyns.
Artorias will explain himself and other things about Lordran in the next chapter.
Darkness and the like havent been all to good for keeping away in the recent events of said cannon mlp. Basically nightmare moon and discord.
Main issues:
You don't capitalize "I" when it should be (I can't think of anytime you don't capitalize "I" when it's a character using it.)
Since I'll is essentially I + will, the I should be capitalized. There were also other instances where you forgot to capitalize the i.
Second:
Luna nodded.
"I did say that something would come today. You should listen to me about these things more often."
"The guards are moving the creature into the castle so we may question it when it wakes." Celestia answered.
"You never let me do the questioning," Luna pouted.
"You're going to be present for it though," Celestia said looking at her younger sibling.
Luna nodded and then thought about the strange creature.
"It feels dark. Very dark."
Start a new paragraph whenever who's speaking changes. Also, the repetition of "nodded" really kills that dialogue. Keep in mind the way I did it is one of many.
On that paragraph dialogue issue, read this:
Read the "How to do it" part. One of the bullets discusses it, and I believe it talks about it a little more.
Third: Paragraph Structure
Overall, your paragraph structure is a bit clunky and hard to read through. It could be an issue with Fimfiction's formatting of a story, but keep in mind you start a new paragraph when the subject of the original paragraph changes.
Here's a good reader on paragraph structure:
Paragraphs (Purdue OWL)
2690116 Oooh I hope you aren't gonna make Dissy out to be some evil ancient force and a sinister, malicious villain.
If that happens, I'm outta here in a jiffy.
But I love Dark Souls and so far this seems promising so I'll follow it for sure.
2690124
Thanks! I'll watch for that in the next chapter.
2690129
Discord is not the main evil, probably wont make him part of the evil at all.
2690143 That sounds really good.
I always took Discord as more of an omnipotent troll than a force of evil who wants to torture, kill and conquer, as some people make him. If that version of Big D is a villain in a fic I just can't read it. So it's good if you're not doing it because I really wanna keep reading this one!
2690135
I updated my original comment. I'd read over it a little more (I provided a few resources (one over dialogue paragraphing and another over paragraphs, since your story seems a little bulky to read. Maybe I'm used to really clean-cut paragraphs xD.)
Also, I think I'll be following this story. Maybe it's because I see some potential, or maybe it's because I love Dark Souls...
...or maybe it was that Luna vs. Artorias picture from a few weeks ago I saw...
It's lacking in detail, which drags it down a bit. The opening battle alone could've easily been 1500 words.
Not to mention Artorias so far doesn't sound very knightly. When you speak to a DaS character they always speak in an outdated, obtuse fashion. Your Artorias doesn't, and it kinda hurts his character.
And unless you plan on adding undead you don't need the Human tag. Arty isn't human.
I'll keep an eye on this for now.
also
>patches avatar
>not writing patches in equestria
2690167
Correction not writing patches in equestria YET.
also, the link for the Artorias voice lines was dropped by From Software before the final DLC was released. So dont think of the voice like it is in the video, because in the DLC Artorias doesn't have a voice.
Damn you already make me hate Celestia plz kill her
2690116
Oh, don't tell me Mr. Author. Tell your Readers, tell us in the story. It's not me I want you to convey your story to.
First of, Artorias is not human in Dark Souls Lore, its never said what race the Knight of Gwyn are exactly (except Gough who is a giant) he is more akin to a demigod or as close as you can get to godhood without a Lordsoul. Also he should be a bit more open to Celestia after he learns of her Connection with the Sun, his liege Gwyn was after all the Lord of Sunlight and god of the Sun which is a very similar to Celestia. Luna on the other hand he should at least strongly dislike and distrust or maybe even openly loathe because of her connection to the dark (he hates servants of the dark with a burning passion).
Second this part:
"nickname" would be the wrong word to use here its more of a title.
Also his full title is Sir Knight Artorias the Abysswalker
Rant over.
And if you need any help with Dark Souls lore or something don't hesitate to ask.
Considering Artorias was quite hard to beat.... I doubt that even 5 platoons could stop him. Hell, even his spin attack would chop them all down lol. Ignoring the overhead smash which would be overkill on them.
Gotta be honest to you. I am curious about his fighting and how you will word that.
Dat grammar. Might I suggest you find a proofreader to go through and fix the mistakes.
I would also suggest finding someone that knows a bit more about Dark Souls lore.
Like this guy. He evidently knows his stuff. 2690457
2690211
This. I always see authors explaining questions in the comments. They need to be answering that in the writing, not down here.
Yay Dark Souls! Good story too of course
Aren´t the ponies acting a bit too much aggresive? I don´t quite imagine Celestia menacing anyone with torture, specially to someone who has not commited any crime against her nation, other than "illegal immigration".
2696335 dark souls in nutshell
also
t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRijG2ZWy6OEORltqXmF9J_cRMpZCEFw1_jO8onCL-5evp02Wpv
I found that it was kind of rushed when it came to Artorias' crash and onwards. Maybe a bit of lengthening could've been done for it because it was quite short. No offence.
2700305
None taken.
I had problems with getting said character to equestria. In my cry of fear story for example, Simon goes to pony land in chap 5, so I wanted to get Artorias there rather soon.
2702223 Fair enough, it was still pretty good though. Nice job
2690178 Oh great! i've been looking for this story for a VERY long time, since I first read this, again, a very long time ago.
I say, you're talented, but you caught Celestia's about as good as one can catch a fly with a fishing rod.
To wrap it up simply:
Hey I just met you.
And this is craa~azy.
But you seem new here.
So torture, Maybe?
All I can say is. YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES. AND YES.
They severely underestimate artorias, he's able too fucking cleave dragons in half with his greatsword, and being a knight, especially one of his fucking size shouldn't be scared of some damn ponies, I want too see artorias pop one of the knights heads like a grape.
So, when's the update? 1500 words is barely a chapter (if that), and hardly satisfying... seems like it should get interesting though.
3407084
I'm in school right now, and my classes have been handing me my ass, so I haven't had that much time to update anything, but I'm working on longer chapters, so yeah.
Gonna update this story soon?
3607863
Surprise, surprise! I'm back and working on older projects! But now I'm at an impasse...
I need a proofreader for this(So it's actually better)!
4191486 more dude moaaaar!!!!!
this stories dead isn't?