• Member Since 25th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Nov 20th, 2023

SparkBrony


Dashie is best battle-hardened war general

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Octavia and Vinyl Scratch have been the best of friends ever since they first met. Neither ever left the other's side. But what happens when Octavia shatters their friendship? Is she doing the right thing - or making a big mistake?

Inspired by this video.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 24 )

It's an interesting premise, but the formatting needs a lot of work. Generally, thoughts and internal monologue are portrayed by italics, so it'd look like:

Great, Octavia thought, now Derpy's mad at me too!

As well, spaces between paragraphs are generally necessary for ease of reading. Paragraph indenting is generally done too, but that's more design choice than anything. I also saw a few areas where the narrative could be changed/improved for a far better flow.

Overall, not bad. The resolution was satisfying (actual threat necessitating comradery and not just 'lolokeywerefriendsagain') After some aesthetic fixing up, I'd have no problems recommending it to friends.

2501389

Thanks! I know the formatting stinks, apparently none of the italics and stuff copied over from Microsoft Word T_T But I'm gonna edit it ASAP so it'll look better soon. :twilightsmile:

2501389

Okay, all fixed up! :D Hopefully that's better now.

2501476 Ahh that is far better! Instead of Microsoft Word, have you contemplated using GoogleDocs? Or was this simply a case of "offline writing"?

2501493

Maybe I should have done it in GoogleDocs, but I've never actually used that before. Maybe next time :)

....would have been better with the start of a ship...
NAH, that's just me being nitpicking :rainbowwild:

Great story, now I can finally listen to that song without crying
i'll just visualize that fic after ward, letting me know it all ends well :raritywink:

Pretty good! I arrived here after all that editing so it looks good to me!!:twilightsmile:

2501979

Thanks! Glad you liked it! :twilightsmile:

I'm going to be really nit-picky about this. It's a gem in the Vinyl and Octavia univers, but it just needs a bit of polish and I just want it to be at its best.

She disappeared from the Neon Lights’ set while nopony was looking and now not anypony can find her!

You don't need the "the" in "the Neon Lights' set" Neon is a pony. It's should be "She disappeared from Neon Lights' set..."
and "not anypony" should be "nopony". It's like saying now not anyone. It sounds wrong, and it is wrong.

but for some reason automatically dismissed the thought as it came to her.

I know it's a dream, and dreams are usually nonsensical, but Octavia is a very thoughtful pony. It seems like you're making her thought process be " :rainbowhuh: Hmm... I'm dreaming. Should I wake up? :rainbowlaugh: LOL NOPE" Give her a reason. Does she want to see the dream? Is she curious about what her subconscious is telling her? Does she just want to see Vinyl again, even though she's mad at her?

she shed not a tear.

Sounds odd, in a ye-olde Engish way, if you say it out loud. Maybe "she never shed a tear" would be better?

They had tactfully surrounded her

Tact is a way of avoiding offense. For example, Octavia wasn't very tactful when she yelled at Derpy. Tactically is the word you're looking for.

by her friend and eaten by Timberwolves in the middle of the

In my opinion Timberwolves (and Pegasus, which you used earlier) are common nouns. You don't write out cat or dog with capital letters because they aren't proper nouns, just common ones. Timberwolves (and Pegasus, since you're referring to an individual one rather than the race as a whole) should probably be lowercase.

All of these are fine. Minor details that are easily dismissed. But THIS. THIS IS UNFORGIVABLE.
Here is octavia: images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120921062516/mlp/images/9/96/Octavia_S1E26.png
A grey pony with a black (some would say charcoal) mane and purple eyes. The wiki calls them "goldish-grey," "dark grey" and "mulberry" respectively. Now, here is your description of her:

her own chocolate brown eyes staring back at her

The brown mare

So something like this: images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110419181219/mlp/images/c/ca/Sharpener.PNG
UNACCEPTABLE.
I just can't...there are no words for how I feel. :twilightangry2: Aaaanyway...

Complete about-face now,
I loved this story. The video, when I first watched/listened to it, immediately made me wonder what happened after, and that someone would write a fic about the events that happened. Thankfully you have granted that wish.

“Jeez, Tavi, that’s deep,” Lyra said.

That made me laugh. I almost feel like that one line is worth a comedy tag, but it's probably not, since this is a sadfic.
I thought it was a great story, and I hope you write more.

Random note: Why do they all live together? Why are five adults living in a house/apartment with only two bedrooms? If it was a matter of distance for Octavia to cover in the story, they could have been neighbors, or lived in the same building, but the same house?

2506558

Thanks for the comment! :D

I apprecitate you correcting my grammar fails. About Octy's appearance, when writing the fic I did look at some pictures of her to get a good description. And in them she looked brown and her eyes were brown! But I'll fix them, because as I look on Google Images, her eyes are purple. My bad :derpytongue2:

That was a pretty great read. I gave the song a listen too, I can see why you were inspired to write this. Goddamn, if you didn't, I would have!

It seems a bit too fast-paced in places, especially the dialogue between Derpy, Lyra, Bon Bon, and Octavia at the hotel. But other than that and Octavia's fairly extreme lucid dreaming being a little hard of a pill to swallow, this was a really enjoyable read!

EDIT: I would have liked to see a little more of Octavia's inner pain and descriptions on how she was feeling, but it wasn't a requirement for a great fic that this already is.

2510926

Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the construsctive comment! :twilightsmile:

This was a great story, I enjoyed it. :derpytongue2:

Not a bad one-shot. It went a little quickly, with the forest scene zooming by before I realized it. Still a nice little tale, though.

This was a great little story to read. It didn't quite bite at my heart like I was expecting it to. I felt that the emotions were portrayed extremely well. I look forward to reading more from you in the future. Keep up the excellent writing!

2559241

Thanks so much! :pinkiehappy: Glad you liked it!

I did a few minor touch-ups to the story because I'm seriously considering submitting it to Equestria Daily and I want it to look it's best! :pinkiehappy: Nothing really major at all changed though.

2506558

Wow, I just reread the last part of your comment and realized I forgot to explain the last part! Agh, I meant to do that. :facehoof: Anyway, they're not living in an apartment or house, it's a hotel they're staying at. I did mention it but only once:

Several hours and many congratulations and compliments later, Octavia entered her hotel room and shut the door quietly.

Well, you asked me to review your story so here I go.


I really liked this story. It manged to hold my attention which is a difficult and crucial thing to pull off as a writer. So, kudos to you for pulling it off. Another good thing about this story is that you did amazing characterization on all the characters except Vinyl. All of them felt like a unique and diverse character. As for Vinyl, she felt kind of generic to me, but other that, very good job with the characterization. The story was quite good as well and the dream scene was a good choice and helped give more emotions to Octavia. But I feel that this story could be better if you slowed down a bit and put a bit more detail into some scenes. Details are very important when writing and can help the reader picture the story better in their head. This goes for pacing as well.

Overall, it was a good story and was probably the best fanfiction inspired by "I Am Octavia" I have ever read.


7.4 Stars out of Ten.

You asked for feedback, so here we go:

Octavia gently parted the vinyl curtains[...]

Vinyl curtains? Don't you mean velvet or velour?:duck:

The only other fault I could find with this story is a pet peeve of mine: Octavia phoned Vinyl to break up with her and in my headcanon that is too advanced tech for the MLP-universe.
Except for that this story is A-okay in pacing, characters and overall execution. Well done!:raritywink:

Getting ready to start my review of this one, amd I'm glad I saved it for last. I haven't opened it yet, but already it seems much more promising.

The only quibble I really have about the description is the link.
1: linkify it as an actual working link -- fimfic allows this, so it's lazy not to
2: title the link with the name of the video, not the garble of the url

It's pne of the first things people see when they look at your story -- Make it look clean and professional; how much effort you put into your description will be taken as an early indicator of how much effort you put into your story

Chapter 1
--vinyl curtains belong in shoers, not theaters
--"Several exceptional abstract paintings were hung along the walls." sinc this fic is muh better, I can be free with more advanced advice. In this sentence, the 'were' is unnecessary; 'hung along' on its own is stronger and more vivid. 'Adorned' is another good alternative toconsider.
--I'm not a fan of intricate dream scenes... particularly ones where characters know they're dreaming.
--"VINYL!!!!!" this is excessive. The allcaps is acceptable as long as it is extremely rare, but never use a total of more than 3 punctuatin marks. Never. And don't combine multiple !'s with caps lock; it's too much.
--"Octavia put a hoof on her friend’s shoulder. “We will find Vinyl. No matter how long it takes, we will find her. Because you guys – and her – are my family. And family… is all that matters.”
Everypony stood silent for a moment, absorbing her words.
“Jeez, Tavi, that’s deep,” Lyra said."
A bit cheezy... try for more originality in your sentimentality.
--"you can always fix what you break." as a moral of the story, that falls a bit flat; sometimes you can't fix what you break


Overall, nice cute story, though hardly as sad as I expected from the tag.
I'm glad I was able to end on a high note though -- this one really is a good story.
A tad simplistic in plot, but not overly, and I thought the dream sequence overdone, but still good. I think I even detected the signs of a defined and expressed theme running through it.
Good work.

2641381

Thanks, glad you liked it! :twilightsmile: Thanks for the in-depth review too.

I kept meaning to give this a read, after all the help you gave me with Constellations it's the least I could do. :twilightsmile: Anyway, this was a first for me in reading this, as I never read a story on here without the mane 6 in some way. Also, I'm not really that knowledgeable when it comes to the background cast like Lyra, Octavia, and such, so I wasn't really sure on how their personalities are.

Overall though I did enjoy the premise of the story, and also how it played out. Octavia's emotions throughout the story were done very well, and the story had a good structure with a logical end.

My only major gripe really is that the whole thing seemed somewhat rushed. I could imagine this being a 3 or 4 chapter story and working out much better if so. Like the dream sequence and realization could have been much longer and more in-depth than it was, even though I did really like that section already. Just my two cents.

All in all, nice work! You get a fav, like, and a follow! :pinkiehappy:

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