Diamond Tiara finds she likes to play video games online she can't tell Silver Spoon ever she can't let her know ever.
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 20th Mar, 2013
- offline last seen January 29th
Moniker
Writing pony things | Powered by coffee.
Moniker
Joined 20th Mar, 2013 ·
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Already faving because diamond tiara who else. Love that little filly.
(No not like that! Assholes!)
The concept is good
But the writing style needs some work
I spotted two spelling errors one being sweetie's "warror" the other is "chiralee" its cheerilee and i know of no student that would call their teacher without a mister or in this case miss
I'm not a native english speaker so i know little to nothing in english grammer
Now to the writing style i found your writing style to be tasteless with no details , for example when DT( dimond tiara) father walked in on her late at night.
"she shut her computer off. The door opened loudly Diamond Tiara squeaked a stallion walked through the door "Diamond honey what are you doing?" asked the stallion. "Wh...wh...what do you mean daddy?" asked Diamond Tiara glancing her computer." this is what you wrote
Now compare it to this
"she quickly shut her computer off as The door opened loudly making Diamond Tiara squeak, a stallion walked through the door "Diamond honey what are you doing?" asked the stallion. "Wh...wh...what do you mean daddy?" stuttered Diamond Tiara glancing Nervously to her computer." see what i did there?
Now the second flaw is the pace . You change scenes too quick . E.g "...said Sweetie Belle sounding so calm. During class Diamond fell asleep..." this deserved a new paragraphs because the scene changed
And while we're at it "During class Diamond fell asleep soon after she was tapped awake by her teacher repeating "Diamond Tiara" over and over until Diamond woke up. "
the first line needs some commas and a few word changes
"During class Diamond fell asleep, soon afterwards she was tapped awake by her teacher"
One more thing "The next day she woke up to see he father at her side "huh why did you push me daddy?" asked Dimond Tiara. "Oh sweetie because it's almost time for school"
this is a bit undetailed you see first she awoke with her father besides her and then she asked why did you push me , how exactly did he push her? This implies he moved her out of the bed but in the next sentence she jumps off the bed , so he didn't move her after all ,in that we conclude he didn't push her but he did wake her up with physical contact as i see you're trying to do right there . So the proper terms wouldn't be push , and more like shook her awake or nudged her awake .
And her question is unneeded if she is late he would have told her as soon as he realized she was awake ,let me rewrite this scene a little bit
"The next day she was shaken awake by her father "Oh good morning sweetie" he said "you better get ready, it's almost time for school"
I'm tracking this don't disappoint kay?
2487253 sorry still not used to writing like this but I do like writing I'll retry the story thanks
2487253 thank you so much I would have never noticed any problems with grammer or spelling so thank you
2487253
This.
2487819 what do you mean "This?"
2487851
By "This" I mean that I totally agree with what the guy said.
i feel that this is a good start and concept...but seriously...get an editor and dont rely on ur spellcheck so much...i almost had a fit when u started writing about a leather 'tonic'...im fairly sure that u meant a 'tunic', which is an article of clothing, and not a 'tonic' which is a medicinal drink. spellcheck doesnt catch when u put in the wrong word but spell it right...
For a moment I thought it was a spinoff of Diamond Tiara Likes Anime.
2488480 oops
2488277
2488484 Yeah, you might want to claify that.
2488506 well it's not okay
Wooo Diamond Tiara plays wop (World of ponycraft) she is a warrior i myself chose to be a mage well because I'm awesome like that.
2487780 i'm surprised i made coherent sense , i was writing from my phone at 2 A.M.
Oh well to the next chapter
Again lacking details... The story is about DT liking a video game right?
Write her playing it , Every time shes about to play you do a major scene derail. seriously, first her father telling her to sleep now rarity calling for dinner . The only indication that she is playing is when sweetie was looking for her character , also i see you're missing some words here and there .
Continue...
2488277 Maybe you should relay on your spelling check, that comment made since but was dreadful on on spelling.
2488704 I myself would be the priest I am awesome as a medic in games, but others have different choices.
2568940 sorry, i tend to devolve into texttalk when i post comments, bad habit but it does save on some time...
2569008 True and I am fine with that no trouble old habits die hard right? But I am wondering is it only comments or stories too just a simple question.
2568959
I remember my time when I used to play I was super op my damage was higher than any other player while in dungeons or raids. Good times I swear took alot agro away from the tanks those were some bad times.
2569030 Awesome I play games like Turning Point Fall Of Liberty, Brink, Dead Space one and two, and some Mondern warfare 3 I domanated the leaderboard as a leval 15 soldier.
2569051
I remember my gaming day. can't believe it's been over a year since i last played online.
2569064 Oh, a year wow, I hardly play online. I mostly am trying to make creatons on minecraft xbox 360 verson, I am making a kingdom with a castle and retarded villagers and all that.
Oh I want to make walkthroughs on youtube.
2569027 just comments, when i write a story i stick a lot closer to the rules...
2569090
Having no internets Is why I'm not online
good developments
good to see you actually added gameplay
some mistakes i found
"from her desk to bring to Sweetie belle's house." not really a mistake but an "it" next to bring would be more fluent
"Oh this is Eon he is my well friend I guess" i think you meant to have a pause after "he is my" a comma or three periods would've made a pause
"Oh, well I'm foalsitting her for the next two days her father felt bad he had to leave her home alone" a comma after two days
"Good, well I'll be foalsitting you tomorrow to sorry" too
"her fears of the dark ether." either
"seeing a filly the robber toke what he could" the filly would be (in my opinion) more correct , took
",there has been a break in some pony broke in and stole something’s" a comma would've been nice after in , some stuff would've been better or somethings without the upper dash thingie (apostrophe?)
"so that means can you give a description of the robber?" you either switch their places or delete "so that means"
you need to work on your commas (i know they can be frustrating sometime but practice makes perfect)
the story is good , but you need to work on the wordings ,the pace of which the actions happen is good , but conversations end too fast, try to extend the dialog
until the next chapter I bid thee goodbye
2577679 Well at least I got not as many spelling mastakes right.
You're getting better at this no spelling errors this chapter but a few grammar ones
""Yes I am ready" told Diamond. " Diamond told him
""Yes I did see" Diamond opened up her saddle bag," Yes I did, see?
I'm not really sure out the question mark but i'm sure about the period
"Alright I'll be here to pick you up in a little while or I might stay awhile" Eon told her. Not really an error , just some tweaking
"Alright I'll be here to pick you up in a little while but I might be a little late" Eon told her.
"that she is 16 at such a low time of playing,". Try "for such a short time of playing "
And that is all , keep it up agent
2638566 Oh I thank you this will is the second from last chapter so chapter 5 will come out when I am ready.
Ok.
Hay Qos41 I'm only 13 and I am able to write moderately well is that impressive?
2643265 Don't tell me you didn't like it.
Oh well one man's opinion I guess.
2643289
It's ...nice. :)
2643300 Anything that can make it better? I am open to suggestions you know, I am also open to suggestions on my stories or other stories.
2643280 you're thinking too highly of me
the ending suited the story and gave a valuable lesson on friendship
but my writing skill are a bit good )
which is good this being mlp friendship is magic and all
but you didn't include the robber identity ,it was what i was waiting for this chapter
the ending was a bit anticlimactic for the reason above but still great
finally, i advice you to write more and read more for the benefit of your writing skills (i'm more of a reader myself
2643309 for a long time i thought the fillies actually said "hay"
its hey* 
hay is a plant that horse and other cattle eat, this is either an elaborate bun or a spelling mistake
Does everyone like the story other then the two who don't like it.
I liked the idea, but maybe you should get a prereader for your next story. I would do it but I'm really busy with year 12, sorry :(
I've often heard it said that writing a story is an art, though others claim it's more of a science. I personally see it as both, but it's up to the author to decide which of the two gets preference. If the author chooses art, more effort is placed into making the story more interesting and exciting. If the author chooses science, there's more effort involved in making the story more technically proper. However, an author isn't restricted to giving preference to merely one of two categories. Sometimes he simply wants to exploit his creative freedoms and write something entirely his way. This level of unpredictability is akin to a volatile explosion, and it's through this method that some of the greatest and worst stories of all time are created.
This story means to tell the tale of Diamond Tiara living in a futuristic Equestria. Ponykind has made technological advances that have brought them all the way into the Information Age and given them television, portable computers, phones, and no doubt central air conditioning. Yet, this technology does nothing to protect this filly from one of nature's most sinister weapons: embarrassment. As a matter of fact, it's that very technology that causes her strife.
Silver Spoon is going out of town to an undisclosed location for an undisclosed amount of time. Bored, Diamond turns to Sweetie Belle and becomes interested in the World of Ponycraft. Complications arise as Diamond begins going over to Sweetie's house to play with her, and the pink filly has feelings of apprehension as she considers what will happen upon Silver's return. Then, the story climaxes as Diamond's house is robbed and she's forced to live with her babysitter while they seek out the criminal. Finally, Silver Spoon returns and Diamond, not wanting to cause a rift between them, admits her secret and is met with the kind of understanding that true friendship creates.
I would like to say I greatly enjoyed this story. I would like to say I finished reading this story feeling immensely satisfied, ready to sing its praises among the hilltops for all to hear. I would like nothing more but to have only positive things to say about this story and be able to dismiss any criticisms as trivial and nitpicking. Sadly, doing these things wouldn't be beneficial to you as a writer, so I must press onward.
You see, there are four levels of story quality in storytelling. The first level is for pieces nothing short of masterpieces, having little to no errors and amazingly addictive story elements. The second level is for very well-written stories, technically correct in all areas, but lacking the real hook that makes them truly shine. The third level is for average, run-of-the-mill stories that generally are decently written and don't have much to offer outside of what they initially propose. Finally, we have the fourth level, which contains stories that may have an interesting plot or a decent idea but are ultimately bogged down by the writing to, at worst, a point of incomprehensibility. I'm sorry to say, I was able to deduce this story's level by the second sentence:
This is a good example sentence that showcases some of your common problems. Looking at the positives, you seem to have a relative understanding of how quotations work, you clearly indicate who is speaking, and you used the correct form of 'to'. However, take a closer look at this sentence. Yes, 'tomorrow' is misspelled, you are missing an 'a' between 'have' and 'thing', and you forgot to capitalize 'Spoon', but there's a more important mistake you are making in this sentence, which you continue to make often throughout the entirety of the story. This quote is a run-on sentence. It's two sentences conjoined into one without any punctuation separating them. "So see you tomorrow" is one sentence, and "Sorry, but I have a thing my parents are dragging me to" is another. If I were to rewrite it myself, it would look something like this:
"I'll see you tomorrow. Sorry, but I have a thing my parents are dragging me to," said Silver Spoon.
(Note how I ended the quotation with a comma. Another writer tip: when a character is speaking, there has to be some form of punctuation before the end quotes.)
Run-on sentences are a common mistake for new writers, and the more you practice spotting them, the better you can become at avoiding them. I would suggest using your story as an exercise. Try going through it and finding as many run-on sentences as you can. It's an effective way to learn from your mistakes.
From a technical standpoint, that's all this sentence has to give us, but it's also a good example for your common storytelling errors. Silver's parents are dragging her to a 'thing' at 8:30 PM. Given the time and her feelings toward it, it's most likely either a family commitment or some late showing of a boring movie or opera. It's an effective way to explain what happens to Silver without her being too involved if perhaps an overly vague one. However, the next day, Diamond finds a note on her door that says she'll be gone for three days. From what I can figure, Silver found out a family member died during that 'thing' and left town to attend the funeral. Again, effective if somewhat vague, but there's a deeper problem in all this. Since both of Silver's events are vague and unimportant, the second one makes the first one excessive. Do you see what I mean? If Silver had said she would be gone for three days the first time, you could have removed the scene with the note on the door and nothing would have been lost.
When writing a story, it's important to make sure that all of your story elements have meaning. This story is about Diamond liking online games and the social stigma involved with it, but given how much else goes on, it's hard to say that's the real focus. In addition, despite how much else goes on, there's never really any payoff from it. Cheerilee asks Diamond why she's tired. Diamond gives her an answer and nothing comes of it. Eon gets taken in for questioning. He gets cleared and nothing comes of it. Diamond's house gets robbed. The robber gets arrested and nothing comes of it. Sweetie takes the time to explain what an escort mission is. They play an escort mission without us seeing any of it. Diamond asks Rarity for help because she can't tell Silver Spoon her secret. Rarity refuses, so Diamond tells Silver her secret and there's no real problem. Every one of these plot points could have driven the story forward or affected it in some meaningful way. Cheerilee could have become concerned about Diamond's tiredness and intervened later in the story. Eon could have actually been the robber or been falsely arrested for it, and Diamond could have had emotional conflict from it. Sweetie and Diamond could have bonded during the escort mission somehow, resulting in character growth. When Diamond asked Rarity for help, Sweetie Belle could have overheard and given her opinion of it all. Given that everything was really from Diamond's POV, it would have been a good opportunity to let us know what Sweetie thought of it all, especially since she seemed so content with everything throughout the entire story.
The chapter titles are a bit too on the nose. The reader can infer basically everything that happens in each chapter before actually reading it, minus the robbery and the babysitter, of course. Also, you might want to work on your consistency with capitalization of chapter titles. Generally, every word in a chapter title should be capitalized with the exception of articles and short supporting words like 'a', 'an', 'the', 'of', etc. There's also barely any spacing in this story. All the sentences are bunched together, which can make it difficult to read sometimes. It's best to have white space whenever the speaker changes (including the narrator).
This story has its fair share of problems, but don't let that discourage you. Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly at first, and any skill can be improved and mastered with a little time and patience. I'd suggest looking into working on avoiding run-on sentences, and take an in-depth look at some stories by more experienced writers to see what you can pick up.
I thought it was a bit odd that Diamond thought about what Rarity said the day after she first heard it. Must have been a delayed reaction. Also, I was surprised to see that Rarity left her boutique and moved into a bouquet of flowers. I guess that's innovation for you.
Culinarily speaking, I'd call this story a marshmallow sandwich. It's pretty messy and simple, but it's definitely a start at making something truly delicious.
Make the most!
2648131 Yeah well I am quite young I am 13 and home schooled, so I never learned much about writing in school but thanks for your honesty I appreciate it.
2648204
Keep at it. Everyone has to start somewhere.
spatsnaz pinkie pie what was the deleted comment I am curious.
This takes place in the future, doesn't it?
2702588 Kind of.
I'd just like to say before I read this... that's the best damn description to a fanfic I've ever read.
2782164I feel you are being sarcastic. by the way I wasn't the best at writing at that time and or now.
2782184 Well, that explains the not-so-great spelling/punctuation... I suppose I can let that slide.
2782202 I was planning on rewriting.