Diamond Tiara was on her computer talking with Silver Spoon over a small white chat box. "So see you tomorrow sorry but I have thing my parents are dragging me to," said Silver spoon. Diamond Tiara glanced at her clock reading 8:30 P.M. as she scrolled through her small contacts which consisted of her father, Silver Spoon, and Sweetie Belle. She could never understand why she added her as a contact, maybe because she is the only other filly with a computer, her screen name is Sweetie Belle she thought who in would honestly uses the real name as a screen name. She clicked on her file said online she opened up a chat box. "Hay Sweetie Belle how's it going?" she typed.
"Oh it's great I just reached level 30 on my warrior on world of ponycraft," the chat box read.
"What is this world of ponycraft?" typed Diamond Tiara.
"Oh you don't know what world of ponycraft is well it's this RPG online game here's a link to the site have fun," said the chat box.
"Alright let's see what all this is about," said Diamond Tiara silently. she typed in her username which was Diamond heart. She downloaded the game, and was greeted by a earth pony saying "welcome to world of ponycraft choose your class, the sorcerer can use magic and heal teamates with it's magic, the warrior is a fighter class and can buy more powerful weapons like swords or spears, a priest is the weakest of all in combat but makes up for in the massive amount of heath he/she can heal, now choose your class," said the computer voice.
"Alright let's see I'll pick the warrior class," said Diamond Tiara.
"Alright now that you've picked your class now make your pony," said the CPU voice. She only had a handful of choices a leather tunic and pants, a sorcerer robe and a priest robe. "Okay then I guess leather tunic and pants," she said silently as the game loaded. She heard a knock on the door as the game started running she shut her computer off as quickly as she could. The door opened loudly Diamond Tiara squeaked as a stallion walked through the door "Diamond honey what are you doing?" asked the stallion. "Wh...wh...what do you mean daddy?" asked stuttering a little Diamond Tiara glancing her computer.
"I mean what are you doing still up way past your bedtime," the stallion added pointing his hoof at the clock reading 10:40 P.M. "Oh I see," Diamond laughed nervously.
"Well, I happen to know you have school tomarrow so get to bed right away," demanded the stallion walking out the door. Dimond Tiara breathed out sharply when her door opened again. "Yes daddy," nodded Diamond Tiara.
"I just want you to know that you're going to be home alone, so you can go to your friends house after class, or bring her her here alright," asked the stallion.
"Okay," said Diamond Tiara.
The next day she was nuddged awake by her father pushing her lightly "huh why did you push me daddy?" asked Dimond Tiara. "Oh sweetie sorry but because it's almost time for school," Diamond jumped out of bed and quickly made her way down stairs. She ran out the door and went to school quickly she found a note at Silver Spoon's door saying. "Dear Diamond Tiara I'm sorry but I'm out of town for the next three days I say again I'm sorry," Dimond sighed.
"Okay then," Diamond Tiara made her way to class and saw only Sweetie Belle who glanced over at Diamond Tiara looked back for only a second. Sweetie Belle started walking over to her. "So what do you think of world of ponycraft Diamond Tiara?" asked Sweetie Belle smiling.
"Whatever, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, I've only made my pony that's it," said Diamond trying to sound everyday, but she actually had a little bit of glee in her voice.
"Well that's okay hay since we both played the game would you like to come over to my sister's house for a little bit?" asked Sweetie Belle. " Um, I don't know, well I guess so I mean daddy isn't going to be home and Silver Spoon is gone for now well wait where are your friends?" asked Diamond Tiara raising her eyebrow.
"Well Applebloom is home sick, and Scootaloo is in the hospital for a few broken bones," said Sweetie Belle sounding so calm.
During class Diamond fell asleep, soon after she was tapped awake by her teacher repeating "Diamond Tiara," over and over until Diamond woke up. "Huh, oh sorry just up late," Diamond said hearing fillies and colts laughing at her silently "Oh it's no problem," said the teacher. After class the students were out of each desk except for Diamond who was just staying there for a minute she was called over by the teacher. "Yes miss Cheerilee something wrong?" asked Diamond Tiara. "Oh no just let me ask you a question please," said the teacher.
"Oh okay then" said Diamond Tiara sitting down in a chair in front of the teacher
"Okay, about that you were up late how late was that?" asked the teacher.
"Well, 9:00 is my bedtime, so I was up about one hour and thirty minutes plus another thirty minutes" said Diamond Tiara.
"And what were you doing that night?" asked the teacher.
"I was chating on Ponyface with my friend when she left I then was dragged into chating with Sweetie Belle who gave me a link to an online game and I started an account and let it download," said Diamond Tiara honestly looking into the teacher's eyes.
"Okay I see that is all I need to know you may go," said the teacher.
Already faving because diamond tiara who else. Love that little filly.
(No not like that! Assholes!)
The concept is good
But the writing style needs some work
I spotted two spelling errors one being sweetie's "warror" the other is "chiralee" its cheerilee and i know of no student that would call their teacher without a mister or in this case miss
I'm not a native english speaker so i know little to nothing in english grammer
Now to the writing style i found your writing style to be tasteless with no details , for example when DT( dimond tiara) father walked in on her late at night.
"she shut her computer off. The door opened loudly Diamond Tiara squeaked a stallion walked through the door "Diamond honey what are you doing?" asked the stallion. "Wh...wh...what do you mean daddy?" asked Diamond Tiara glancing her computer." this is what you wrote
Now compare it to this
"she quickly shut her computer off as The door opened loudly making Diamond Tiara squeak, a stallion walked through the door "Diamond honey what are you doing?" asked the stallion. "Wh...wh...what do you mean daddy?" stuttered Diamond Tiara glancing Nervously to her computer." see what i did there?
Now the second flaw is the pace . You change scenes too quick . E.g "...said Sweetie Belle sounding so calm. During class Diamond fell asleep..." this deserved a new paragraphs because the scene changed
And while we're at it "During class Diamond fell asleep soon after she was tapped awake by her teacher repeating "Diamond Tiara" over and over until Diamond woke up. "
the first line needs some commas and a few word changes
"During class Diamond fell asleep, soon afterwards she was tapped awake by her teacher"
One more thing "The next day she woke up to see he father at her side "huh why did you push me daddy?" asked Dimond Tiara. "Oh sweetie because it's almost time for school"
this is a bit undetailed you see first she awoke with her father besides her and then she asked why did you push me , how exactly did he push her? This implies he moved her out of the bed but in the next sentence she jumps off the bed , so he didn't move her after all ,in that we conclude he didn't push her but he did wake her up with physical contact as i see you're trying to do right there . So the proper terms wouldn't be push , and more like shook her awake or nudged her awake .
And her question is unneeded if she is late he would have told her as soon as he realized she was awake ,let me rewrite this scene a little bit
"The next day she was shaken awake by her father "Oh good morning sweetie" he said "you better get ready, it's almost time for school"
I'm tracking this don't disappoint kay?
2487253 sorry still not used to writing like this but I do like writing I'll retry the story thanks
2487253 thank you so much I would have never noticed any problems with grammer or spelling so thank you
2487253
This.
2487819 what do you mean "This?"
2487851
By "This" I mean that I totally agree with what the guy said.
i feel that this is a good start and concept...but seriously...get an editor and dont rely on ur spellcheck so much...i almost had a fit when u started writing about a leather 'tonic'...im fairly sure that u meant a 'tunic', which is an article of clothing, and not a 'tonic' which is a medicinal drink. spellcheck doesnt catch when u put in the wrong word but spell it right...
For a moment I thought it was a spinoff of Diamond Tiara Likes Anime.
2488480 oops
2488277
2488484 Yeah, you might want to claify that.
2488506 well it's not okay
2487780 i'm surprised i made coherent sense , i was writing from my phone at 2 A.M.
Oh well to the next chapter
2488277 Maybe you should relay on your spelling check, that comment made since but was dreadful on on spelling.