The Dividing Line

by Divide

Chapter Four: Questions and Dodgy Answers

The Dividing Line

Chapter Four: Questions and Dodgy Answers

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"Nice to meet you, Divide!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she wrenched my shoulder out of its socket with a vicious handshake. "I'll be sure to throw you a party as soon as I can!"

I removed my hand from Pinkie's death grip and rolled my shoulder. I grimaced. "Yeah, sure. Sounds great, Pinkie." I rubbed my neck. "Not to be rude or anything, but don't you have any customers to attend to—?"

As if my words brought them into existence, I heard the jangle of bells and the sound of hooves hitting the floor. A patron.

"We've got customers!" Pinkie shouted, doing her best impression of SpongeBob SquarePants. She disappeared in a flash of light befitting a star going supernova.

My face must've been twisted in a strange expression, for Twilight spoke up about it.

"Sorry about that, uh, Divide," said Twilight, who was treating my name like overly strong mouthwash. "Pinkie Pie can be a little... eclectic."

"So I gathered."

A few seconds of silence passed between us while mumbled words of a customer-employee transaction were barely overheard through the wall.

"Look," Twilight began, turning her entire body to face me, "I know this probably isn't the best time to bring this up, but you promised that you'd answer some questions when we found a safe place to hide."

"That's paraphrasing," I grumbled, "and I hardly consider this place safe when there's only a single wall between me and a possibly sex-crazed pony... but whatever. I got nothing better to do at the moment." Twilight took a deep breath to say something, but I raised a finger and said, "Ah-ah, hold your horses, missy. Me first, then you. That's the way these things always work."

She glared daggers at me. "One question. That's it." Her tone brooked no argument.

I nodded. "Fair enough. One question: How did you know that Pinkie wouldn't be affected by... whatever it is that's affecting every other pony?"

To my surprise, Twilight coughed nervously and looked away. She mumbled something that I didn't quite catch.

"What was that?"

"I said I didn't," was the quick response. "I didn't know that Pinkie wouldn't be affected."

I sat there with a dumbfounded look on my face for an indiscriminate amount of time. Surely she didn't—no, there's no way she would've guessed. No matter how much I wanted to pretend, however, Twilight said it herself.

Poker-faced and surprisingly calm, I went outright with it.

"So... you guessed."

Twilight gulped and nodded.

I sighed, made an exhausted noise that wasn't any specific combination of letters, then snorted in disbelief. "Remind me not to bet against you in a coin flip. You could knock over Caesar's Palace at the roulette table in a matter of hours with your luck." I laughed at the mental image.

Though I knew she had no idea what I was talking about, Twilight still laughed along with me, albeit nervously. "To be completely honest," she began after the chuckles ceased, "I didn't just guess: I made an educated guess."

I raised an eyebrow and placed my fingers together, Mr. Burns-style. "Do elaborate."

Twilight cleared her throat. "First of all, I wondered why I wasn't falling head-over-hooves for you like everypony else, and by logical progression, what made me different. After thinking about it, I realized that the only difference was that I was an Element of Harmony, and that that must've had something to do with it."

I scratched my chin in thought. Twilight took that as me not knowing what an Element of Harmony was. She explained—in great detail, might I add—what exactly the Elements were and how they came to be in possession of her and her friends. I remained silent the entire time, only nodding and asking basic questions when appropriate. I didn't think revealing that I had intimate knowledge of Twilight's life since she came to Ponyville was conducive to my well-being.

After Twilight wrapped her story up, she asked, "So does that satisfy your question? Can I ask mine now?" She was literally shaking in anticipation.

"Yes and no. Before you begin, I have to put out a disclaimer: I'm probably not as interesting as you think I am." I leaned back against the door and motioned towards her. "With that out of the way, go ahead. Ask away. Just don't expect to be all that entertained."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Yes, a mysterious visitor that speaks my language and somehow has the sexual attraction of almost every mare in Ponyville is definitely not very interesting. Not in the slightest. Not even a little." The amount of sarcasm gushing forth would put Niagara Falls to shame. I glared at her. She smiled back cheekily. "Alright, first question: What are you, race-wise? I haven't seen any species like you before."

"I'm a human—as in, you're a pony, I'm a human," I explained. "I'm sapient, bipedal, and omnivorous—but you probably knew those already. Well," I added, "with the possible exception of the last part."

"Actually, I hypothesized as much," Twilight said with smile. "Your teeth are a teensy bit too pointy to be a herbivore."

I frowned and subconsciously ran my tongue over my canines. "Humph. I was half-expecting a shriek of terror and a kick to the face," I muttered. "So you're not bothered by that at all? The fact that I eat meat, I mean."

"No, of course not! Just because you eat meat doesn't make you a bloodthirsty monster!" Twilight paused for a second. "Uh, you don't need to eat meat, do you? I ask because we don't really have any, erm, available—"

"I'm quite capable of functioning without it. My parents are vegetarians, as a matter of fact. Thanks for asking, though."

"—Alright, good to know. Let's see here." Twilight consulted her clipboard. Where she obtained the clipboard from was a mystery to me. "Ah, yes: Why are you here? In Equestria?"

I shrugged and put my palms skyward before letting them fall back down to the floor. "Why? I have no friggin' idea. I didn't try to come here," I explained. "I was in my home, minding my own business, and then poof—everything goes to Hell and I wind up on your floor."

I glanced at my arm, noticing the tiny hole where Nurse Redheart injected me for the first time. A small amount of blood welled up whenever I bent the crook of my arm. I smirked wryly. "I'm sure you know what happened next better than I do."

The fact that I saw the very fabric and inner machinations of the universe was purposefully forgotten for the moment. That particular can of worms seemed like something to open at a later time.

"Hmm. I suppose it was too much to ask for your appearance to be straightforward." Twilight clicked her tongue and looked at the clipboard for a few seconds. "The last thing you said before passing out was, 'Equestria. God dammit, I'm in Equestria!' How did you know where you were?"

I inwardly smacked myself. Somehow, I knew that would come back to bite me in the ass. If a pony appeared on my floor and said, Gee, how'd I end up in Canada, I'd be pretty damn shocked, too. Twilight was handling this far better than I would.

Outwardly, I remained stone-faced. I'd like to say that I took the moral high-road and told the truth—but I didn't. Call me a bastard for withholding information, but I'd rather not discuss how there's an entire community of teenage and fully grown men and women obsessed with everything pony-related.

Yeah. That might be a tad hard to explain.

"I've, uh—" I coughed, "—been here before."

A noise akin to choking came from the back of Twilight's throat. "You've... been here before?" she asked, not sounding like she truly believed it.

"Well, metaphorically speaking—" I began to say, only to zip my mouth shut when I heard Pinkie Pie's voice clearly through the wall.

Confused, Twilight asked, "What—?"

"Shh!" I put a finger on my lips and pointed with my thumb towards the wall. I placed my ear against it, and Twilight followed suit.

"Hey, no, wait!" Pinkie exclaimed. "You can't go back there! That's for employees only!"

"B-But there's something back there! I—I can feel it and I just... want it all... to myself..."

"There's plenty of baked goods available for everypony!"

"No, that's not what I want. I want something... else..."

I wrenched my ear from the wall like it was made of hydrofluoric acid. Pinkie could only keep the pony occupied for so long. If they could sense me over the overwhelming smell of all the pastries and in a separate room, then where could I hide?

"Time to go?" I whispered towards Twilight.

By the look on her face, Twilight was thinking the exact same thing that I was. "Yeah, I'd say so." She stood up and moved to exit via the same door that we entered.

"Twilight," I said, realizing something that I probably should've a lot earlier. "Can't you just use magic to get us somewhere safe and out of the way?" I asked, purposefully avoiding the word 'teleport.' I was going to give myself a brain haemorrhage for not thinking of that earlier if there wasn't some sort of catch.

"The last time I used magic on you, Divide, the results weren't pretty," she explained, saving my forehead from blunt force trauma. "You ended up regurgitating whatever you ate for lunch onto my floor and your body was wracked with pain spasms. And then you stopped moving." Twilight was visibly disturbed retelling the story. "I nearly had a heart attack when I thought I... killed you. Thankfully, you were still breathing."

"Oh. Uh, sorry about that..."

Twilight waved my apology aside. "It's not your fault." She shook her head. "Anyways, I would've offered to teleport us back to my home back in the hospital, but..."

"I understand. And while I appreciate the sentiment towards my well-being, I'm not going have any well-being left to be sentimental about if they get a hold of me." My stomach gurgled unhappily, voicing its complaint. "And while I hate making a mess in other people's homes, I don't think I have anything left in here—" I pointed at my gut, "—to throw up."

"If you think it's necessary, Divide, I won't say no," Twilight sighed. I saw the tell-tale aura of magic surround her horn. She winced in sympathy pre-emptively. "This is probably going to hurt," she warned.

A flash of light strikingly similar to a camera flash blinded and disoriented me. My internal compass was going haywire, almost as if I fell into a whirlpool with a blindfold on. My entire body felt twisted and disproportioned, like I was a piece of extremely stretchy taffy, or maybe pizza dough. After an undetermined amount of time spent feeling miserable and spread out, everything snapped back into place and I fell unceremoniously onto the same floor that I had first woken up on.

I felt fine for the first few seconds. And then the pain kicked in.

Twilight was right. It hurt.

A lot.

Comments

[Sketchy Markks]

I feel bad for poor Divide. Also, the twist of the elements being unaffected and helping him is a nice diversion from other fics with the same idea.

[Tyrant Molestia]

Feel the burn... And all that pain.

[Terrorizer231]

No pain, no gain. Am I right, or am I right?

P.S.: Being an American isn't helping in the slightest when it comes to spelling some of these words. Why do you add all those vowels to your words?

[Lupus]

What doesn't kill ya...

[The Accursed One]

Divide... When will he ever learn? Never, I repeat NEVER, should someone make a pony reference if they are teleported to Equestria. Even a "Holy shit, I'm in Equestria!!!" reaction is ill-advised.

[Divide]

3263752
Us Commonwealth-dwelling chaps don't take the easy way out like you Yankies.

[Stalwartheart14]

3263752 it depends if you are well read about the world. i'm American, and i only had one problem, i don't think it counts though since I'm the perfect form of the Asian Stereotype

i can feel my Mary Sue senses tingling, but your such a good author, i really don't care if you character is OP. uncontrollable sex drive of ponies, very well read, etc.
i'ma just give it to you, you wrote good before, i'm going to give you a free pass because of how impressed i am.

[Divide]

3264704

i can feel my Mary Sue senses tingling, but your such a good author, i really don't care if you character is OP. uncontrollable sex drive of ponies, very well read, etc.

...Pathological liar, about as athletic as a bag of crisps, requires other people (or ponies) to drag him out of the messes he either makes or finds himself in, etc.

[Lucien Chance]

Yeah, that's why you don't say anything that reveals that you know them.

[Jack Kellar]

A new chapter from Divide always makes me smile.
Thanks for brightening up my day, mate.

[D-Bence35]

3263960 ...simply makes you... stranger.

[Fugly Duckling]

3264148 pretty sure the shock of being somewhere impossible makes that point moot (atleast if you arrive somewhere with ponies in your vicinity)

however, if you'd arrive somewhere where there are no ponies (the everfree, for example) you'd have time to think something up for you first meeting with the ponies. (or whatever the fuck)

[Terrorizer231]

3264335 And those Yankies don't take it easy on us Dixies.

[U7VK7VOVV7V]

Very nice! Just what I need after a long week. Kicking back, relaxing, and letting the Storyteller's stories work their magic.

Somehow, I knew that would come back to bite me in the ass. If a pony appeared on my floor and said, Gee, how'd I end up in Canada, I'd be pretty damn shocked, too.

Damn classic!

"I'm probably not as interesting as you think I am." Yep, definitely Divide. Now I know for sure that this isn't just any eloquent, sarcastic Canadian. I mean that in the nicest way possible, of course.

Don't know why you got stuck in Equestria, huh? Perhaps it is fate...yes! Divide is meant to become the prophesized interdimensional warrior that will save Equestria in its darkest hour! Yeah...

Wait a minute... Since the only thing keeping Twi & Crew non-sex-crazed is their respective Elements, then what does that mean for the Princesses, who are no longer attuned to them...? Hoo, boy. You're gonna wish you packed in Extreme Conditioning when you meet them!

Hey, since Four of One's protagonist was a human-turned pony, maybe this is a prequel of sorts, since the transformation may have been a failed attempt to teleport Divide back home? ...Nay, dismiss the thought. That would a horrible fate. Plus, this is a comedy, not a dark/tragedy.

Ooooh, man. Divide's gonna be feeling that. Wait, he's already feeling it. But it couldn't possibly be worse than a big ol' hangover, eh wot?

[Trihors]

I'm just sitting here waiting for the moment he accidentally/half-purposely/somehow crashes on Celestia....
Bananas.

...

If it ever even happens...

[A Tin Can]

3264752
All we need now are a red/black color scheme, a shady past involving alcoholism that lead to 'mental disorders', and drizzle some superpowers on this bitch.