Derpalicious tells the tale of Derpy Hooves and her crazy activity around Ponyville. The fan-fic features moments from the TV show as well as brand-new material.
Rated E10+ for Suggestive Material
UPDATES:
[4/10/12] Used to be told in the form of skits. Now they're actual chapters. I couldn't think of any more crazy things that Derpy could do for a whole chapter. That alarm clock bit at the beginning was just a stroke of luck and was poorly attempted again with Derpy's job interview. ALSO: Now a ROMANTIC-COMEDY! The very kind of comedy I despise! XD
Chapters (8)
haha this was really funny! have some stars
182826
Thanks. I was worried after publishing this because now I have to write other chapters tat are just as funny or funnier. IT'S GONNA BE HARD!!!!
Oh, You go me laughin' with this chapter, Thank you!
You're doing a good job with these chapters, They're cute.
I noticed you typed her name as "Derby" At one point but that might be acceptable here. 
I'll make this a chapter-by-chapter review in order to remain more focused.
The story follows a... how can I put this? "Flat" narration. "She did this. She did that. This happens. She does that." You have to play around your words a little more. Try to make the story more "fluid". The very short sentences makes me feel like I bumped into a wall while reading.
Also: Show, don't tell. It needs some. Let me copy/paste an example.
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"The robot walked around, killing ponies. It stepped on a house, crushing it."
versus:
"The robot traipsed about the countryside, indiscriminately slaughtering and crushing all in its path. One of its front feet trampled a quaint farmhouse, reducing it to a pile of rubble in the blink of an eye. Muffled screams of agony found their way out of the wreckage for a few seconds afterwards, until the robot's rear foot came down to finish the job. Once it passed, all was quiet, and the robot continued on its rampage unabated."
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Get what I mean? You can feel the scene happening. It's more believable.
It also needs some spellchecking. There are several typos in there.
Hit up the Return Key a few times. A wall-o'-text is not pleasant to the eyes and can make even the best written stories look like shit.
Add a marker to separate events. Like so:
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Derpy left her house to buy a new alarm clock.
[.center] ~o0o~ [./center]
"Hello, Derpy!" Happily greeted the salespony.
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Every time there's a change in the setting/time-frame, use the marker.
About the plot: It's child-like silly. Something I would expect at a 'slice of life' fanfic. Especially if it's featuring Derpy. Not to mention that this seems somewhat original. Most Derpy stories are sad ones. I like it.
Onwards with chapter 2
Again, a silly chapter for a silly derpy.
HOW WILL DERPY MANAGE? FIND OUT ON THE NEXT CHAPTER.
"
All that I said on the previous chapter applies here as well.
But: Are the short chapters really needed? I mean- chapters are mainly used to give readers cliffhangers and yet, set some sort of 'accomplishment' feeling.
Like, a longer chapter with more interactions between ponies, etcs. Derpy's silly shenanigans and then - DUN DUN DUN - SOMETHING UNEXPECTED HAPPENS! O NOES!
I know this is a silly exaggeration, but I really mean this. The chapters need to be longer in order to 'fulfill' the story's purpose, feeding the reader bit by bit and then yell: "You had enough for today, come back next time.
Reply if you don't get what I mean.
Hint: A good way to write is to read. Pay attention to the 'more successful' stories and learn from them.
198015
I get what you're saying. But, again, it's all set-up. The story begins after Derpy's wedding.
I'm such an stupid motherfucker for not reading the story's description and noticing it's written in simple skits.
Well, less one thing for you to worry about.
But then again: They are meaningless skits. You show derpy going to work and having a conversation with a clearly annoyed pony. And then? What happens? Even as a short, this needs more.
This chapter's issue: dialogs.
Yes, dialogs can be quite the pain in your ass if you're not careful with them. Even in a silly story like this, they have to carry some emotion to it
Have another copy/paste example:
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"Yes I did... but you see, Sweetie, even your big sister can be a big foal sometimes. I... know what you're going through... I even think that I am to be held responsible for that. I've always been so stern when it came to perfection that I sometimes forgot that it is something impossible to achieve. I think I might just have been a bad example for you. But I always told myself that you were smarter than me... that you wouldn't believe me and my senseless acting..." It was now Rarity’s turn to diverge her gaze from her sister’s. Small tears formed in her eyes, blurring her vision on the sides.
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That one bit I took from one of my chapters
Granted, this is an example of a sad/gloomy mood for a dialog, but I suck at writing silly things/comedy.
Remember: Emotion and character depth. Be careful not to break the character's established personality, or your story will be a massive OoCness that nobody will stand to read.
198023 You just brought up a new, unclear issue: wedding. When is it specified that derpy got wed? I wouldn't know it if you hadn't mentioned.
198100
Derpy gets wed later in THIS story. I was saying that after the chapter where she gets married, the story truly begins. Sorry for the confusion.
This chapter shows us your insight on humor.
Although it's fun to poke the other ponies with Derpy's silly ways, you might want to add more dept to it. Again: dialogs are needed to carry the mood. Show us what both ponies are feeling. How's derpy's expression. How's lyra's expression? What's going on with them that we can make it certain that we're poking lyra's patience to a thin thread? The dialogs by themselves are enough, true. But with a touch of extra detail, they can be so much more.
This heartstrings seemed a lot more friendlier than lyra.
You may be thinking: "How the fuck it seemed? It's right there! This one laughed with derpy and didn't get annoyed."
Yes, as the dialogs by themselves are enough; again: more details are needed to help us 'immerse' on the story and feel heartstring's lighter mood. If you plainly write the dialogs, she'll seem as grumpy as lyra.
Love... a difficult topic to write about. Unless cleverly executed, it will feel forced.
I sincerely don't get why the stallion says his name and just turns around and walks away. It's.... almost like a soap-opera.
Review some dialogs and try to give them more emotions. Descriptions are the key to a story's full potential.
I think I'm done.
Although silly, was fun to read. I will track because I can never get enough of random, silly derpy.
EDIT:
For further tips, reach out to Ponychan's /fic/ board. They have a nice Writer's Training Grounds going on over there. Don't be shy to ask for help. They are professionals and are always helpful.
That was cute, nice and sweet.
198087
. The chapters have gone from being skits to being actual chapters 
. Read the story update in the story description to find out more 
.
Good news. You're no longer a stupid motherfucker