Derpalicious

by Pinkamena666

Alarm Clock Madness

In the wonderful town of Ponyville, a pegasus lay asleep as her alarm clock kept going off. This pegasus' name was Derpy Hooves. And it was 9:00 in the morning. The alarm clock kept blaring its annoying tune. Derpy groaned and stuffed her face in her pillow. The alarm's noise got faster and louder. Derpy rolled on her back and held the pillow over her face. This did not stop the alarm either. She then let out a long groan and slammed her hoof down on the table, completely missing the alarm. She slammed her hoof down two more times, but missed. The alarm got faster and louder. She slammed her hoof down as hard as she could, flipping the table over. The alarm clock fell to the floor but did not stop making noise. It got louder and faster again. Derpy let out a yell and got out of bed. She went over to the wall outlet and unplugged the clock. This did not silence the clock, either.
"Huh?" asked Derpy, annoyed. She looked at the cord in her moth and the alarm clock on the floor. "That does it." she said, frustrated.
She dropped the cord and left her bedroom. Moments later she returned holding a golf club in her mouth. She stood above the alarm clock, the fires of Hell burning in her eyes. She then ferociously and repeatedly smashed the alarm clock with the club. The alarm did not stop blaring. It just sounded really distorted now.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Derpy.
She slammed the clock again. Nothing. She then kept slamming, and slamming, and slamming. The clock kept making its distorted noise. Derpy dropped the golf club and picked up the alarm clock's cord in her teeth. She then dragged the clock to the bathroom and dropped. Derpy then headed over to the bath tub. She plugged the drain and turned on the water. FULL BLAST! When the bath was filled up enough, she tossed in the alarm clock. It crackled and sizzled, sending off sparks before the noise distorted into into silence.
"YES!" yelled Derpy.
She then stared at the clock, realizing she was going to have to buy another one. Again. She sighed and left her house.
She then proceeded to the store where she previously bought her alarm clock and headed to the front counter.
"Derpy." said the unicorn behind the counter. "Back again?"
"You bet." said Derpy.
The unicorn set a clock on the counter.
"Here you go." said the unicorn.
Derpy paid for the clock and then carried it home.
Once she was home, she went back to her room and plugged in the clock. The time said 12:00am.
"Oh, no." said Derpy. "What's the time?"
She looked around the room but there was no clock. She then ran to the bathroom. The broken clock no longer showed the time. She ran around her house, looking for a clock. There wasn't one. She then ran outside and looked around. She saw a male pony walking by. He was dressed well and had a monocle. He looked like he was from Canterlot. Derpy ran over to him.
"Excuse me, sir." she said. "Do you have the time?"
"Why, yes." said the pony. "It's 10:15 in the morning."
"Thank you so much!" Derpy yelled as she ran back inside her home.
She headed back to the alarm clock and hit the hour button on the clock. She accidentally hit it eleven times. She let out a shocked gasp. She then hit the button repeatedly, getting it to 7:00pm. She stopped and took a deep breath. Her hoof started to hurt. She continued pressing the button until the clock said 10:00am.
"Yes!" she yelled. "Now for the minutes." She thought for a second. "The guy said 15, so I'll put in 18."
She then pressed the button 19 times. Again, accidentally.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she yelled.
After a minute or so, the clock was set to the right time. Derpy took a deep breath and let out a sigh of relief. Then a thought crossed her mind. Now... she had to set the alarm again.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Comments

[Morty]

haha this was really funny! have some stars

[Pinkamena666]

182826
Thanks. I was worried after publishing this because now I have to write other chapters tat are just as funny or funnier. IT'S GONNA BE HARD!!!!

[Lucefudu]

I'll make this a chapter-by-chapter review in order to remain more focused.
The story follows a... how can I put this? "Flat" narration. "She did this. She did that. This happens. She does that." You have to play around your words a little more. Try to make the story more "fluid". The very short sentences makes me feel like I bumped into a wall while reading.
Also: Show, don't tell. It needs some. Let me copy/paste an example.
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"The robot walked around, killing ponies. It stepped on a house, crushing it."

versus:

"The robot traipsed about the countryside, indiscriminately slaughtering and crushing all in its path. One of its front feet trampled a quaint farmhouse, reducing it to a pile of rubble in the blink of an eye. Muffled screams of agony found their way out of the wreckage for a few seconds afterwards, until the robot's rear foot came down to finish the job. Once it passed, all was quiet, and the robot continued on its rampage unabated."
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Get what I mean? You can feel the scene happening. It's more believable.

It also needs some spellchecking. There are several typos in there.
Hit up the Return Key a few times. A wall-o'-text is not pleasant to the eyes and can make even the best written stories look like shit.
Add a marker to separate events. Like so:
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Derpy left her house to buy a new alarm clock.

[.center] ~o0o~ [./center]

"Hello, Derpy!" Happily greeted the salespony.
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Every time there's a change in the setting/time-frame, use the marker.

About the plot: It's child-like silly. Something I would expect at a 'slice of life' fanfic. Especially if it's featuring Derpy. Not to mention that this seems somewhat original. Most Derpy stories are sad ones. I like it.

Onwards with chapter 2