Derpalicious tells the tale of Derpy Hooves and her crazy activity around Ponyville. The fan-fic features moments from the TV show as well as brand-new material.
Rated E10+ for Suggestive Material
UPDATES: [4/10/12] Used to be told in the form of skits. Now they're actual chapters. I couldn't think of any more crazy things that Derpy could do for a whole chapter. That alarm clock bit at the beginning was just a stroke of luck and was poorly attempted again with Derpy's job interview. ALSO: Now a ROMANTIC-COMEDY! The very kind of comedy I despise! XD
In the wonderful town of Ponyville, a pegasus lay asleep as her alarm clock kept going off. This pegasus' name was Derpy Hooves. And it was 9:00 in the morning. The alarm clock kept blaring its annoying tune. Derpy groaned and stuffed her face in her pillow. The alarm's noise got faster and louder. Derpy rolled on her back and held the pillow over her face. This did not stop the alarm either. She then let out a long groan and slammed her hoof down on the table, completely missing the alarm. She slammed her hoof down two more times, but missed. The alarm got faster and louder. She slammed her hoof down as hard as she could, flipping the table over. The alarm clock fell to the floor but did not stop making noise. It got louder and faster again. Derpy let out a yell and got out of bed. She went over to the wall outlet and unplugged the clock. This did not silence the clock, either. "Huh?" asked Derpy, annoyed. She looked at the cord in her moth and the alarm clock on the floor. "That does it." she said, frustrated. She dropped the cord and left her bedroom. Moments later she returned holding a golf club in her mouth. She stood above the alarm clock, the fires of Hell burning in her eyes. She then ferociously and repeatedly smashed the alarm clock with the club. The alarm did not stop blaring. It just sounded really distorted now. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Derpy. She slammed the clock again. Nothing. She then kept slamming, and slamming, and slamming. The clock kept making its distorted noise. Derpy dropped the golf club and picked up the alarm clock's cord in her teeth. She then dragged the clock to the bathroom and dropped. Derpy then headed over to the bath tub. She plugged the drain and turned on the water. FULL BLAST! When the bath was filled up enough, she tossed in the alarm clock. It crackled and sizzled, sending off sparks before the noise distorted into into silence. "YES!" yelled Derpy. She then stared at the clock, realizing she was going to have to buy another one. Again. She sighed and left her house. She then proceeded to the store where she previously bought her alarm clock and headed to the front counter. "Derpy." said the unicorn behind the counter. "Back again?" "You bet." said Derpy. The unicorn set a clock on the counter. "Here you go." said the unicorn. Derpy paid for the clock and then carried it home. Once she was home, she went back to her room and plugged in the clock. The time said 12:00am. "Oh, no." said Derpy. "What's the time?" She looked around the room but there was no clock. She then ran to the bathroom. The broken clock no longer showed the time. She ran around her house, looking for a clock. There wasn't one. She then ran outside and looked around. She saw a male pony walking by. He was dressed well and had a monocle. He looked like he was from Canterlot. Derpy ran over to him. "Excuse me, sir." she said. "Do you have the time?" "Why, yes." said the pony. "It's 10:15 in the morning." "Thank you so much!" Derpy yelled as she ran back inside her home. She headed back to the alarm clock and hit the hour button on the clock. She accidentally hit it eleven times. She let out a shocked gasp. She then hit the button repeatedly, getting it to 7:00pm. She stopped and took a deep breath. Her hoof started to hurt. She continued pressing the button until the clock said 10:00am. "Yes!" she yelled. "Now for the minutes." She thought for a second. "The guy said 15, so I'll put in 18." She then pressed the button 19 times. Again, accidentally. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she yelled. After a minute or so, the clock was set to the right time. Derpy took a deep breath and let out a sigh of relief. Then a thought crossed her mind. Now... she had to set the alarm again. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Derpy entered the post office and headed to the counter. "Hiya." said Derpy. The pony at the counter looked at her. "Hi?" "Guess what?" asked Derpy. The pony sighed. "What?" "I have..." Derpy closed her eyes and giggled. "a JOB." "A job?" asked the pony "You don't say." "Oh, I do say." said Derpy. "What is it?" "I deliver... mail." said Derpy, a huge smile formed on her face The pony stared at Derpy who just smiled back. "So, Derpy?" asked the pony. "Uh-huh?" asked Derpy, not breaking her smile. "You deliver mail?" "Uh-huh." "What time?" "10:30." "At night?" asked the pony. "Nah." said Derpy. "In the morning. Why?" "You're late." "Oh, no!" yelled Derpy, zipping passed the counter and into the back room. A pegasus stood near the door, looking at her watch. She looked up when Derpy burst through the door. "You made it." she said. "Sorry, I'm late." said Derpy. "My alarm clock... uh... malfunctioned." "Right." said the pegasus. "Now, let's get down to business." "I'm ready." "I'm going to ask you a series of questions and I want you to give me your best answer." "Yes, ma'am." said Derpy. "Right. Anyways..." said the pegasus. "First question... If you're given an address that you don't know the location of, what do you do?" "S-s-s-s-skip it." said Derpy confidently. "Wrong." said the pegasus. "Dang." said Derpy softly. "You ask one your co-workers or around town. The mail must be delivered on time. Second question... you're about to deliver a package but something seems suspicious about it. Do you open it to make sure it's safe?" "Of course not." said Derpy. "Very good." said the pegasus. "You--" "I'm not gonna open a suspicious package. It could be a bomb or something." "So what do you do?" "Throw it down the deepest hole I find." The pony sighed. "No, Derpy. You report it." "Oh, right." "Next question... if you're on your way to an address and you se something cool, do you stop to check it out?" "Nope." said Derpy. "Very g--" "Unless it's really, really cool." said Derpy. The pegasus performed the pony version of a face-palm.
Derpy burst through the doors to the back room of the post office. "Sorry, I'm late!" she yelled. "Again!" The pony she meet the day before was waiting for her. "Well, you're not as late as last time, but..." she paused when she saw the cord that Derpy was holding. It was attached to a mangled clock. "What's that?" she asked. "What's what?" "That. In your mouth?" "Huh?" asked Derpy, her right eye looking down as her left eye drifted upwards a little. "Oh." she said, dropping the cable. "I was having problems with my alarm clock this morning." "I see." said the pegasus. "Here's your first set of mail." A unicorn appeared, carrying a saddle bag wit her magic. She placed the saddle bag over Derpy's back. "Whoa." she said, feeling the bag's weight. "Kinda heavy, ain't it?" "Well, it's mail." said the pegasus. "Off you go." "What?" asked Derpy. "Go deliver mail." "Now?" asked Derpy. "Yes, Derpy. Now." "Ohhhhhh." said Derpy. "Kay." She left the back room and exited through the lobby. She now stood in the streets of Ponyville. She looked around the town, not knowing where to start. She decided to start at the Library. She made her way over to the Ponyville Library and knocked on the door. "Hello?" asked a pony, opening the door. "Mail's here!" Derpy yelled cheerfully. "Sorry, Derpy." said the pony. "I'm just here getting a book. No pony actually lives here." "Drat." said Derpy, walking away. She made her way to Carousel Boutique and knocked on the door. "Yes?" asked Rarity, opening the door. "Mail!" Derpy yelled cheerfully. "Derpy..." said Rarity. "I believe the mail's supposed to go in the mail box." "Dang it." said Derpy. "But that's okay." said Rarity. "You're new. It could happen to anypony." "Really?" asked Derpy. "Oh, sure." said Rarity, rolling her eyes. "What was that?" "What was what?" "You rolled your eyes." said Derpy. "No, I didn't." said Rarity, quickly. "Yeah, you did. Why?" No reason." said Rarity. "You said I had mail?" "Oh." said Derpy, suddenly remembering why she was here. "Yeah. It's... somewhere." She sat the saddle bag down and rummaged through the mail. Rarity watched and waited patiently as the grey pegasus shifted mail around until she finally found one. "Found it." she said happily. "Oh, joy." said Rarity through a fake smile. "Wait." said Derpy. "What's this place called?" Rarity sighed. "Carousel Boutique." "Oh... Sorry. Wrong one." Derpy started to rummage again. Rarity leaned against the door frame and yawned. "Find it yet?" "Hang on." said Derpy. "Ooh. I think I got it." She pulled out a medium-sized box. "Yeah." said Rarity. "It does say Carousel Boutique." "Sweet." said Derpy. "Hey, Derpy." said Rarity, levitating the box inside the building. "Good luck at your new job. You'll get the hang of it." Rarity rolled her eyes as she turned away. "Hey." said Derpy. "You rolled your eyes again." "No, I didn't." said Rarity, closing the door. Derpy slid the bag back on her back and trotted away.
Derpy knocked on the door of another house. This time she made sure it was the right address. The door opened and a light blue pony answered the door. "Hi." she said. "Well, hello there." said Derpy. "Guess what?" "What?" asked the pony, giggling a bit. "You got mail." "Really?" "Yeah." said Derpy, pushing a box in front of the pony. "This you?" "Why, yes it is." said the pony, reading the label. "YES!" yelled Derpy, cheerfully. "I got it right." "Yes, you did." said the pony. "It's my first time getting it right." said Derpy, leaning in a bit. "Congratulations?" "Thank you." said Derpy, smiling. "So..." said the pony. There was an awkward silence before the pony spoke again. "What's your name?" "Name's Derpy. Derpy Hooves." "Hey, Derpy." said the Pony, smiling. "I'm Lyra." "Hey, Lyra." said Derpy. "Does this mean we're..." She let out a gasp. "friends?" "I guess it does." "YIPPEE!" yelled Derpy, doing a back-flip. "We can hang out, like, all the time." "Not right now, Derpy." said Lyra. "I'm kind of busy. Maybe later, though." "All right, then." said Derpy, sliding the saddle bag back on her back. "See ya later." "See ya, Derpy." Derpy turned to leave but remembered something. She turned back to Lyra just as she was about to close the door. "When's later?" Lyra stopped what she was doing. "What?" "When's later?" asked Derpy. Lyra thought about it for a minute. "I don't know." said Lyra. "Later." "Yeah, but..." Derpy was getting a little frustrated now. "what's later?" "I have no idea." said Lyra. "Pick a time." "5 at night." "Going to a friend's party." said Lyra, shaking her head. "6, then." "Party's still going." "7." "The party'll be just getting over." "8?" asked Derpy. "I'll be too tired from the party." Derpy took a deep breath. "How about 9?" Lyra thought for a second. "9 sounds good." she said. "I can do 9." "Yay!" shouted Derpy, "Girl's night out!" "It could even be a sleepover." Lyra suggested. Derpy's eyes lit up and she let out a cheerful gasp that lasted for about 10 seconds. "So that's a yes?" asked Lyra. "I'm there." said Derpy. "Gotta go." Lyra smiled as Derpy left. She then closed the door and went back inside.
Derpy continued her morning of mail delivery by walking through Ponyville, searching for her next address. She walked through the marketplace and stopped when she saw what looked to be Lyra. But... she just came from Lyra's. So, who was this? She walked up behind the pony. "Hey, Lyra." said Derpy. The pony turned around "I was just..." She stopped when she saw the horn on top of this pony's head. "Wait a minute. You're not Lyra." "No." said the unicorn. "No, I'm not." "Then, who are you?" asked Derpy, getting suspicious. "I'm Lyra's clone." "Excuse me?" said Derpy. The unicorn let out a short laugh. "Kidding. I'm Lyra's twin sister." "Sister?" asked Derpy. "What's your name?" "I'm Heartstrings." "Heartstrings, huh?" asked Derpy. "You have the same cutie mark." "Yeah." said Heartstrings, looking at her flank. "A Lyre. What are the chance?" "A liar?" asked Derpy. "As in, one who lies?" "No." said Heartstrings, laughing. "A Lyre as in, an ancient musical instrument. My name Heartstrings is a synonym of love and compassion, I believe. It fits perfectly." "It sure does." said Derpy. "I wish my name meant something nice like love." "What does yours mean?" Derpy sighed. "It means silliness, craziness... to mess up a lot." "Really?" asked Heartstrings with a laugh. "That's horrible." "Eh." said Derpy. "I'm used to it by now." "So... you delivering mail?" asked Heartstrings, noticing Derpy's saddlebag full of envelopes and boxes." "Oh, snap!" yelled Derpy, remembering her job. "I totally forgot." "Well, don't let me keep you." "I won't." said Derpy, leaving. "Bye." "Good-bye, Derpy." Derpy continued on through the market. "So..." said Derpy, thinking out loud to herself. "Lyra's got a sister, huh?" She thought about this for a few more minutes before jumping up and down with joy. "Another pony to hang out with tonight!" She stopped jumping and looked around. A couple ponies were watching her. "Sleepover!" she yelled, continuing her stroll.
Derpy had just finished her delivery and was heading back home. On her way, she spotted a colt in the distance. He was white and had blonde hair, like Derpy. He also had wings. She stood in the center of the road and stared. "Is this what love feels like?" she asked herself out loud. "Whatcha looking at?" asked a voice, startling Derpy. "Huh? What?" asked Derpy, turning around. "Oh. Hey, Heartstrings." "So..." she said. "whatcha lookin' at?" "Oh, nothing." said Derpy, looking back at the colt. Heartstrings followed the gaze in Derpy's left eye and found herself looking at a cart full of melons. She then followed the gaze of her other eye and saw the colt. "Ohhhhhhhh." said Heartstrings. "I see what's going on." "What are you talking about?" asked Derpy. "You like him, don't you?" "That is absolutely..." Derpy started, sounding insulted. Then her tone changed as she said, "true." "You gonna go talk to him?" "I wouldn't know what to say." said Derpy, sounding shy. "Hey. You said your name was, like, the cinnamon of love, or something. Right?" Heartstrings laughed. "Synonym. Sih... no... nim." "Whatever." said Derpy. "Just help me." "Fine. Here's what ya do..."
The colt examined a cart full of apples. He stopped when he saw a Pegasus standing next to him. "Hello." said Derpy. "Hi."said the colt, hesitantly. He was about the same size as Derpy. His hair resembled that of Derpy's, just a bit longer. Derpy looked at the apples, trying to think of what to say. "What's your name?" asked the colt. Derpy felt her heart skip a beat. She couldn't believe he asked her for her name. And on top of that, she couldn't believe he asked her anything. "I'm Derpy." she said, making a circle in the dirt with her right hoof. "What's yours?" "Comet. Nice to meet you." "You, too." said Derpy in somewhat of a daze. Comet gave her a nice smile and walked away. Derpy let out a sigh as Heartstrings came up next to her. "Well, that wasn't so bad, was it." "He's amazing." said Derpy, still making circles in the dirt with her hoof.
Derpy sat in her room, thinking about Comet. She had never felt this way about another before. She started to wonder if it was even legal. Just then, she heard a knock at the front door. She got off of her bed and headed into the hall. There was another knock. "I'm comin'!" Derpy called. She arrived at the door and opened it. It was Heartstrings. "Hey, Derp." she said, smiling. "Hey." said Derpy, looking confused. "What's going on?" "I was just about to head over to a party. Wanna come?" "A party?" asked Derpy. The party? The one that Lyra's going to?" "Yeah." said Heartstrings. "I know the pony that's hosting it and she made me in charge of invitations. She said anypony is invited." "Anypony?" asked Derpy. "Yeah. I even invited Comet." Derpy's heart skipped another beat. "Comet's gonna be there?" Oh, yeah." said Heartstrings with a smile. "Gonna come?" Derpy thought about it for a millisecond or two. "Okay."
The two of them arrived at Sugarcube Corner. Lights shone from the windows and music could be heard. "Looks like fun, huh?" asked Heartstrings. "Yeah." said Derpy, with a nervous chuckle. "Fun." "Come on. Let's go." Derpy followed Heartstrings to the front door. She knocked and, only a few seconds later, the door opened and there stood a pink pony. "Well, hello." she said in a friendly voice. "Welcome to my party!" "Hey, Pinkie Pie." said Heartstrings. "We're here." "I can see that, silly." said Pinkie Pie, letting Heartstrings and Derpy inside. "Welcome to the party!" Just then she noticed Derpy. "Who are you? I haven't seen you before. And I know every pony in Ponyville." Derpy kept quiet for a couple more seconds, just to make sure Pinkie was done talking. "I'm Derpy. Derpy Hooves." "Well, hiya!" Pinkie said loudly and cheerfully. "Have a great time." Derpy gave her a smile and followed Heartstrings into the crowd in the center of the building. She looked around at all the other ponies dancing. But she didn't see Comet anywhere. "Come on!" Heartstrings yelled over the music. "Loosen up! Have some fun!" "I'll be right back!" Derpy yelled quickly, darting off to the drinks table. Heartstrings watched her leave. "Hope she's okay." said a voice. Heartstrings looked to her left. "Hey, sis." she said. She turned back to see if she could see Derpy. She saw her over by a table pouring fruit punch into a cup. "I'm sure she's fine." Derpy stared at the cup she had just filled with fruit punch, wondering how she was going to hold it. It had no handle. She poked at it with her hoof, nudging it forward a bit. She put her hoof back down on the floor and studied the cup some more. She then had another idea. She held the rim of the cup with her teeth and tilted it upwards. The fruit punch drizzled down the side of the cup and pooled against Derpy's face. She quickly dropped the cup onto the table and wiped the liquid off her face. She then returned to contemplating on how she was going to able to achieve her goal. She then decided to try to hold it with two hooves. She lifted her two front hooves off the ground and used her wings to keep balance. She placed her hooves on both sides of the cup and lifted it an inch off the ground before it slid out of her grasp and landed back on the table. She let out a frustrated groan and tried again. The cup slid out of her grasp again. She tried once more, gripping it harder than before. She got it two inches off the table when she felt it about to slip. She pressed tighter and the cup shattered, fruit punch spilling out onto the table. Derpy just stood in place with her mouth open, wings still out to keep balance, and she hadn't lowered her hooves yet. She blinked a couple times, trying to figure out what happened. When she came to, she put her hooves back on the floor and looked around, making sure no one saw. She turned back to the table and sighed. "Need some help?" asked a familiar voice. Derpy turned around and saw Comet standing behind her. "Hey." she said, sounding a little shy. "Yeah." Comet gave her a smile and walked to the other end of the table. "The cups for ponies and pegasuses are over here." he said, holding up a cup. Derpy gasped as she slowly walked over to the other end. "A handle." she said, almost as if in a trance. Comet poured a cup of fruit punch and pushed the cup in front of Derpy. "Here you go." he said wit a smile. Derpy stared at the cup, holding back tears of happiness. "Thank you." she said softly. Comet looked back at the crowd, and then back at Derpy. "I'm gonna go back and hang with my other friends." he said. "See you later?" "You bet." said Derpy. Comet gave her one last smile and walked away. "Wait." Derpy thought out loud. "Other friends. Does that mean that I'm..." She turned around and spotted Comet. He hadn't gotten far yet. "Hey!" she yelled. Comet turned around. "Yeah?" "I'm going to a friend's house tonight at 9!" yelled Derpy. "Wanna come?" "You sure it'll be okay?" he asked, yelling over the music. "It'll be fine!" "Than, all right! See you after the party!" He turned away and continued back to the party, passing Heartstrings who was headed over to Derpy. "So..." she said, standing next to Derpy. "what happened?" "Would it be all right if he hung out with us for a bit tonight?" "You mean at our little get-together tonight?" asked Heartstrings. "It should be fine. Just like me, Lyra loves making new friends." "Cool." said Derpy. The two turned and watched the crowd of ponies dancing. "I'm proud of ya, Derp." "Thanks, Heartstrings." said Derpy, reaching for the cup of fruit punch. She slid her hoof through the handle and took a sip. The taste was wonderful, but not as wonderful to her as knowing that she was going to be going on her first date. She smiled at the thought and took another sip.
Derpy left Sugarcube Corner with Lyra and Heartstrings.
"Well, that was fun." said Lyra, smiling.
"Yeah." Heartstrings laughed. "Pinkie always knows how to throw the best parties."
Derpy looked around and finally spotted Comet.
"There he is." said Derpy, happily. "You girls go. I know where your house is."
Derpy left Lyra and her sister and headed for Comet.
"There she is." said Comet in a playful voice, noticing Derpy's approach.
"Ready?" asked Derpy.
"You bet." Comet replied, smiling.
Derpy and Comet made their way through Ponyville, heading for Lyra and Heartstrings' house. Derpy kept glancing over at Comet, wanting to say something but didn't what to say. Finally Comet spoke.
"Nice night, isn't it?"
"Yeah." Derpy answered quickly. "It is. So why'd you walk away the first time?"
"What do you mean?" asked Comet.
"You gave me your name and you left. Why?"
Comet took a second or two before answering.
"I don't know. I guess I was a little nervous."
"Nervous?" asked Derpy. "I'm the one who's supposed to be nervous."
Comet smiled. "And why is that?"
"Because I'm clumsy. I figure no stallion would go out with me because of it."
"Well, I like your clumsiness, Derpy." said Comet with a smile. "I think it's cute."
Derpy stopped and looked at him. Comet stopped, too.
"Really?" she asked.
"Really." Comet answered.
Derpy smiled and continued to walk. She got closer to Comet until they were touching. She closed her eyes and rubbed her head against his side. He leaned his head to the side so that it was resting on Derpy's head. Her mane felt really soft.
"Comet?" Derpy asked.
"What is it?" he asked.
"I think I love you."
"Really?" Comet asked.
He picked his head up and looked at Derpy. She looked as well.
"Yeah." she answered. "Is that ba--"
Comet leaned in and kissed her on the lips. This surprised her. But her surprise was quickly replaced with this strange new sensation she had never felt before. Was this what love felt like? If so, she loved it. She closed her eyes, savoring this moment.
Derpy and Comet arrived at Lyra and Heartstrings' house. Derpy knocked on the door and Lyra answered.
"Derpy." she said happily. "You made it. And you brought a friend."
"You bet." said Derpy. She leaned in close to Lyra. "He's more than a friend, Lyra."
"Fantastic." said Lyra. "Please. come in. I've been dying to get to know you. And now I get to meet some pony else."
Comet smiled as he followed Derpy inside. She had never felt this way before. this feeling of knowing that there's some pony who cares for her and will always be there for her. It felt great. Wonderful, even. And there was no way she was going to ruin this.
