The Thousand Year Urge
The Thousand Year Urge
This fanfic is based on the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic cartoon, which is owned by Hasbro, not me.
Princess Celestia, Goddess of Dawn, Our Lady of the Sun, Ruler of the Day Court, had settled down for the night with a crossword puzzle. She loved a mental challenge where there could only be one single, correct answer, because that was not how her day job worked. She was currently pondering what LICKS TO WASH (three letters across) could be. The obvious answer, "cat", didn't fit the existing letters. Her pondering was interrupted by her sister Luna knocking on the open doorframe with her hoof.
"Can I come in?" said Luna who was already inside.
"Of course,", said Celestia.
Luna stepped closer to the bed and fidgeted with her ornaments, clearly having just stepped away from raising the moon, arranging the constellations and bringing on the night. They were usually off tilt after her heavenly duties. Luna's ceremony was far more of a wild dance than Celestia's serene ritual, and she hadn't listened to her big sister's suggestions about safety pins, her crown, and her hair.
"I will not disturb you or anything?" said Luna who had already disturbed her sister, who had completely lost her train of thought regarding LICKS TO WASH (three letters across, not "cat").
"Not at all,", said Celestia and put aside her crossword puzzle. "What is bothering you?"
Princess Luna, Goddess of Dusk, Our Lady of the Moon, Ruler of the Night Court, cleared her throat with clear embarrassment before she spoke.
"It has been a thousand years..." she said before she saw her sister's pained expression. "No – not that! No, not the loneliness or having missed a millennium of news! It is that..." (and she blushed) "...I am so horny!"
Celestia drew back, surprised, and for the moment forgot all about LICKS TO WASH (three letters across, not "cat").
"I have not got laid in a thousand years!" said Luna, blushing deeply. "And clo- clopping is not the same thing, and while there have been... technological advancements, as it might be, it is not the same as a living partner!"
Celestia smiled. "Lulu dear, that should be easily corrected. Just find somepony to have sex with. You should have no problem whatsoever finding a partner – you are beautiful, charming and kind. And you have power! Power is sexy, you know?"
Luna frowned.
"Well it is not that easy to get into a relationship," she said. "There are not that many Immortals left – strange as that might sound – and as for mortals, it is bad enough to lose friends and devoted servants to time, I do not need to lose lovers as well."
"Whoever has talked about a relationship?" said Celestia. "Dear, you simply have to settle for simple carnal satisfaction – a 'one-night-stand' as modern ponies call it."
Luna looked astonished. "We can do that? Just like that?"
"How did you think I kept sane all these years?" said Celestia and smiled wickedly.
"But... how do I do it?" said Luna.
"Lulu, you just have to act considerate and fair. And, oh – use protection! I didn't use to do it a few centuries ago, and that's how we got stuck with this blasted aristocracy. Why did unicorn stallions of the Third Century have to have such nice flanks?" Celestia sighed.
Luna pondered the concept while Celestia, satisfied by once again being the wiser, older, sibling (even when encouraging a swinging lifestyle) reached for her crossword puzzle. LICKS TO WASH (three letters across, definitely not "cat" because then I have to redo a lot of other words, second letter might be "o"...)
"But... are there any special rules – I mean, we are not ordinary ponies... are not there things I have to consider?" said Luna while her sister chewed on her pencil.
Celestia sighed.
"Oh sure – you have to shift shape to do it. Divine tradition you know. A bull or swan or golden rain or something,", she said sarcastically as she stared at LICKS TO WASH (three letters across, you know the drill).
"I – I see", said Luna. "Well, I will go about my business then."
And she left.
"TOM"! shouted Celestia. "Tom, as in male cat, that licks itself to wash, then second letter is "o", and... Luna? Oh, where did she go?"
Outside the cows' part of the Sweet Apple Acres barn a family quarrel was taking place. Applejack, in no way the family matriarch but often acting as one, glared at her big brother in frustration.
"Big Macintosh, what in tarnation has gotten into ya? Why don't ya wanna help them cows gettin' milked? It's your turn, an' Ah have other chores," she said.
Big Macintosh avoided her gaze and chewed his hay.
"Don't wanna,", he said.
"Why?" Applejack was starting to become angry. "Have ya suddenly become afraid o' the dark? Are ya sick? Has one o' the cows been rude ta ya?"
Big Macintosh swallowed hard and looked at his sister with terror in his eyes.
"'Cause yesterday – the milk machine – it flirted with me!"
THE END
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BUHA HA HAAA!! best, ending ever!
The ending is priceless.
Best. Ending. EVER.
"'Cause yesterday – the milk machine – it flirted with me!"
Can't... breathe! Laughing... too... hard!
This is laughable. By all means, continue.
I lol'd.
Oh god. At first, I honestly couldn't regard your fic too highly. The pacing feels off, and it just wasn't funny.
But then I got to the end. Seriously, that punchline was Hilarious. It caught me entirely off-guard and easily made me laugh out loud. The whole thing was worth reading Just for that joke! Awesome.
5050
Mt exact reaction
5076
The short skit was reworked from a "script" for a comic, so I understand if it feels off. Glad you liked the end.
Spelling/grammar needs work, but it's so funny I don't care too much.
Stories about Celestia/Luna's sexual proclivities tend to be amusing (barring Molestia and Lunaughty).
Poor Macintosh.
5142
English is only my second language, so I'll be grateful for any hints you might have, especially on grammar.
I think Luna got the Shape shifting part wrong!
5358
In her own views, she chose a form PERFECTLY designed for what she intended. (Think about it. What does a milking machine do, hm?)
BEST ENDING EVAAAARRRRR. They say the ending is the best part of a short story, You, good sir, have proved that statement correct.
I probably won't stop laughing for a looooooong time. I might be laughing...FOOOOREVER!
hmmmm
oh!
OH!
I JUST GOT THE PUNCHLINE!
Handy tip: You meant "letter", not "word", when referring to the crossword.
Also, most hilarious drabble you've thrown together.
7024
Ooh, thanks for the tip! Will correct. And thanks!
Fluttershy: LUNAAA!!!
Big Mac: Uh oh...
Very funny ending. But I feel sad for Luna - she MUST have so long expected release...
heh wrong rainbow pic
I Just laughed my ass off xDDDDDDD
we found this hilarious.
I was happy when this turned into a not-molestia. also, i think i may have just pissed myself laughing at that last line.
77444
Glad you liked it.
As you can see from its description, this is a finished piece, just a short drabble. I might very well write similar pieces, since I seem to have some kind of talent for jokes about ponies' sex life, but this is it, I'm afraid.
5050 exact reaction here
clue me in? Didn't get the punchline
Other wise funny,
thought maybe crossword answer would be "dog" or "hoe"
126366
Luna took Celesita's snarky comment seriously, and shapeshifted into a form she thought would be useful for a one night stand. Think of that and combine it with Big Macintosh final horrified comment.
LOL, Big Macintosh doesn't want to do a milking machine.
Eeyup.
159843
But she only set it to three quarts...
That was fricken beautiful.
BAHAHAHA!
poor Big Mac. Just be thankful she didn't appear as a 'golden shower' huh?
>"Well it is not that easy to get into a relationship," she said. "There are not that many Immortals left – strange as that might sound – and as for mortals, it is bad enough to lose friends and devoted servants to time, I do not need to lose lovers as well."
Darn it, this makes my Luna-x-unicorn wafiu fic disproved. I can't allow this kind of attitude. *shakes fist*
Still, it's a nice funny one.
While the story itself was already priceless, Big Macintosh's finale there made it for me. Instant fav
.
As tempted as I am to use an image macro of "I came" That was terrific. Very sweet and light and hilariously funny I wasn't expecting the ending and it was great. Poor Big Mac
Best ending this fic could have possibly had. Good job sir, good job.
Fuckin trollfic puttin a "Romance" tag on something that doesnt have any actual romance
ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
udge cakes
whatever man, whatever
I read this in public. Big mistake.
I think the men in white suits might be here soon.
I found this by accident when searching for something else, and I'm so glad I read it.
NOOO!! The milk machine said it loved ME!!! It lied!!!
Hey I reviewed this tonight!
Here
6984824
Thanks! :)
A hilarious one shot but repetitive with the word "Lick To Wash."
..My word...
Grand ending, gotta say.