• Member Since 1st Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Apr 24th, 2015

Zedrei


I'm a sporadic, small-time writer from England. I struggle to write very much, for reasons including my own lack of intellectual determination. I enjoy guns, literature and love my girlfriend dearly.

T

Equestria is gone.

In its place a barren and inhospitable wasteland, inhabited by the worst of ponykind's darkest nightmares. But some small remnants of the old ways survive, clinging to a harsh and unforgiving existence constantly on the edge of oblivion. These lucky few are the descendants of the nation of friendship, the survivors of magical cataclysm and the harshest punishments ponykind could levy upon itself. Some hid themselves away in great underground vaults called the Stables, sealed away until Equestria was habitable once more.

However, there were other things that weathered the storm. Things hidden in dark places beneath the earth, concealed by their creators for use in the great war, before the creators were themselves destroyed. And here we find one such thing. A weapon, a device for killing that fed off the lives of its victims, artificially filled with spite and malice.

This weapon had a name, but he can't remember. This weapon had a life, now torn asunder. This weapon had a love, irretrievably lost.

And now he wants payback.

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 75 )

Itll be interesting to see where this goes from here.

2599265

I have some chapters prepared, but how have I done so far? And thank you for the feedback by the way.

hmm, not bad. Im liking this 'inner demon' as it were, unbridled fury combined with scarily good tactics is never a bad combo.
a few spelling mistakes here and there but overall pretty well done.
looking forward to sneaky massacring next update, keep it up!:twilightsmile:

Oh blimey, I get back from college and find this lot. Ok let's see here. The first two are what they are called, not chapters in themselves but the bits and pieces you find at the beginning of a book. Should I stop messing around and condense them into just one thing at the start then? I shall certainly correct the names, but a few of the spelling errors may be because I'm British. Nevertheless I shall have a cruise through.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the unbelievably nice things you have said :twilightsmile:

2604640
The thing is as you say yourself, it is things in the start of books. If this was in paper form would I have no problems with it. But this is not a book, it is on the interweb where some things are done a bit different.

So you have not done anything wrong as so, you are just doing the right thing for a different medium

I like this... I like this a lot! The writings is superb, the pacing feels nice...

The only thing I really can complain about, and this is really more of a pet peeve, is the characterisation. It feels a little like your making her acting vulnerable and traumatised for quick sympathy, while the next moment she instantly switches into merciless predator mode whenever theres a fight.

Take that as you will, I'm looking forward to seeing more!

Wow... this bone needs some meat. I would say that it is good that you have such an amazing coverpicture as you have, because there is nothing here as such that would hook me otherwise and keep me staying.

First of all is this to short, even for a prologue. Your prologue is there to fill in people, to give a nice appetizer of exposition, easing us easily into the story and the world. I know that you do it here, but it is in really really light strokes that you paint the background to your story, and tell about how the wasteland came to be.

I know that you are from Britain, so I take it that you know discworld and Sir Terry Pratchett, if you do then remember the prologues to his stories, how it shows the world to the reader as if he was new to it, even if he have read the 38 other books in the series does he still present the world as it was fresh. A good rule of thumb when telling a story is thinking that the reader knows nothing, even when there is some required reading.

So all in all, flesh it a little bit more out. Open the world for those that don´t know Fo:E, and show us another nuance of it to those that know and love it.

Oh and you have a double ellipses here "Once upon a time in the magical land of Equestria… …the once proud nation was reduced to a corroded shadow of its former self" So far I know is there no rules against it, but it looks a bit silly.

2605574

Hmm, a constructive pet peeve anyway. The reason I did that was because he has little or no memory of the past, but I am also thinking there needs to be a bit more bite. Let me contemplate.

Cheers :twilightsmile:

2606549

I have been reading Pratchett since I was tiny, so it is strangely appropriate that you should bring him up. I shall definitely re-flesh the bone!

My humble thanks :twilightsmile:

Well... Why do I think that you are both going to love and hate me, because I am returning again with new feedback.

One thing that I saw with this new meat is that you used the word "freedom" to say what the ponies fought for. While it sounds interesting, and are a good looking hook, would I not really say that any of the wars was about freedom... beside the freedom of less work. The wars was about resources after all, and you do somewhat make them sound like a revolution with this freedom added*

The other thing I would like to point out, or rather not point out since it ain´t here, is that the Zebras ain´t mentioned. You do a really really good work in building up Equestria and the ponies with amazingly few words, really showing our pastel ponies from the best light before we turn them around. But the zebras... If I hadn´t read Fo:E would I not even know that they where there at all sadly. I do not say that you need to redo it all, but adding the zebras to an somewhat degree would fit in rather well so the new people know the common enemy.

* Doomande does personally not support freedom, but instead free dictatorships to everyone!

2614371

I could never hate you, you are generous enough to keep coming back to help me set my story straight. But yes, you are right, our striped brethren need a mention. However I did use the word freedom ironically, since it is the word lots of unpleasant governments use as an excuse to make life miserable for someone else. Never mind, once more unto the breach.

I must say... I had never expected this before I read the chapter, so bravo I say. Maybe are you not the best one at descriptions and characters, I do at least find your descriptions rather blunt, and your characterization rather thing, even with only 4K words. But you know your words and how to use them that is for sure. It is clear that you are no Somber (no matter how much I hate it must I admit that he is a pretty good wordsmith) or Kkat, but you are still pretty high on the list, now do you just have to learn many tricks of the trade. Like how to pace your chapter better, how to really really draw people in with descriptions, and how to sharpen that edge on those descriptions, making them sneaky like and glide into our brains without the readers even noticing.

And speaking of notice, I saw that there wasn´t any new perks in this chapter, and after a little sneak peek did I she that the next one also are perk free, why is that? Because it is by now the norm to have them, or mention in a little notice if a character is at max level as an explanation on the missing perks.

Beside that is there not much to say, because it is hard to say anything when I am still at the skin of this story, not having dived properly into it yet and learned the characters and what not properly yet, so this is my feedback for now. Expect me back in the near future with some more of it, because there is more from where it came from.

Nitpicks
"Deep within the labyrinthine rubble of a dark and forgotten ministry of magic complex" Normally are the ministries written with capital letters.
"and had just a second let out a shriek of alarm," Are you not missing a word or something here?
"forging through the loose stones like a ship through water" Is forging the right word to use here? Because I see it as a whole other thing, but then again, I am also from Denmark.
"much supplies to gather and caps to spend" Is much the right word to use here? And especially so close to the one in the sentence before this one. Many would properly work instead.
"A secret compound of the Ministry of Arcane Science" You used Ministry of Magic before, I would say use only one of its two names.
"Cog set Rusty down and stretched" You have a tense mistake here.
"he raved" You are missing some sort of sign in the end of this sentence.
"Um…are we’s going in?" You are missing a space after the ellipsis
"some the size of small houses" Did you really mean houses? Because that is maybe a bit to big for a cable just laying in the wasteland. Even when we talk about MoA.
"He magicked a brush from within his saddlebags and began grooming frantically." You have an double space in the start of this sentence
"the colour of fine port." Do you mean like the wine? None the less do I think it could be clearer what you are going after here
"Zapper recognised it as a household cleaning robot from before the wars" Should wars not be singular, even if it was a longer one was there after all only one
"This he plugged into a port on the salvaged Pip-Buck." Had he not brought it? Or are you telling the whole story about how he got it here instead of before?

2616550

I shall ruthlessly pick the nits. And you are right about the character issue. This is the first great literary undertaking I have attempted with ponies, and I am desperate to make them as believable, as real, as possible. I'm currently reading all sorts of other fics, FE related and others, to gain some insight into how to build developed and interesting people. And I knew of the perk/experience system, but it was only recently I learned it was common practice among Fallout Equestria fics. I might add some perks for the main character. I suppose they are similar to the ones in Fallout?

Your encouragement is greatly appreciated. It's like getting homework that I actually like :raritywink:

2619595
I can´t remember who that have made this list, and there is tons and tons of other perks out there, but here is the "official" list.

And what others do... Well some look at the games and get inspired from them, and some make up their own perks. There is as such no rule about needing them, it is just what all others do because Kkat did it, so if you don´t want them, or don´t think that you need them, then don´t add them. I would just want to ask if it was intentional or not that they wasn´t there.

In the name of Doomandelonien do I hereby claim this first post! Let it be known far and wide that I, Lord Doomande von Asshat the first of the Wasteland and Doomandelonien have taking this post into my domain, another piece of the wasteland under my glorious rein!:pinkiecrazy:

First thing that fall into my mind as I read this chapter was god how you love your ellipses, and boy how would it look nice with a space after them. I know that there ain´t any rules for it as such, so it is technically not something that is wrong, but that extra room helps a lot on the look of things.

The little circle of light crept closer, and closer, tainted slime plastering my skin, befouling my coat, my tail, obscene elastic strands of filth pulling me back, the dripping hooves of the dead delaying my escape until with a heave and a gasp I was free, jagged metal biting my forelegs as I hauled myself out of the darkness, and into starlight.

Starlight... Say what?:rainbowhuh: Does that mean that this is after the day of rainbows and sunshine or was it just a little mistake? It could also be outside Equestria, but since you mention MoA do I not think that that is the explanation.

Again do I not really have much to say to this chapter, because yet again have we started on the story from the beginning, or so does it feel like. Not a bad thing, just a somewhat odd thing. Like seeing that John Carter movie, (seriously it started like three times or so!) but giving a good taste in my mouth instead of a bad one, even after we have been warding trough all this lovely wasteland waste that was presented in this chapter.

Your wordsmithing are still brilliant, and it is still a joy to read, even if there is now some quirks that are peeping forth, but I am sure that they are only things overseen because of how new you are to this. But with that being said, have you considered getting a pre-reader/editor? Not because what you post are bad, quite the contrary, but because what you have here need some serious polishing. Again, I do not say that you are a bad writer, just that you could benefit by an extra pair of eyes looking at this.

Nitpicks.
"And her… …and now there is pain." I know Sir Pratchett does this at times, but it does still look a bit silly.
"Air never seemed so beautiful so sweet so delicious so… …machinery ground again beneath me," I am pretty sure that you are missing some commas in the first part of this sentence, and that you can reword the last part into something better, because it is rather telling and not showing. Beside that is there next to no transition between the two sentences, even with the double ellipses.
…help me…” As mentioned before
"Muscles screaming in protest I curled into a ball" I am pretty sure that you are missing something in this sentence.
"brutal strike like the hoof of an angry god." Should god not be written as the feminine goddess? The ponies did after all not have any make gods, and the character seams to have interacted somewhat with ponies by the way it "talks"
“That wasn’t very friendly” You are missing a period to end this sentence
"…and dreamed… …of music, of grand, golden halls and tall fluted pillars… …of strings plucked in soaring harmony… …of splendour to last for eternity… …of humidity." Do I need to mention my little thing again?
"Cool mud bathed side of my head" You are missing something here, and my first guess would be a the.
"and dimly I processed that I was lying face down" This is worded rather clunky, while it is easy to guess the meaning of the sentence could it be worded much better.
"…and who the buck am I?" This should start with a capital letter, and you have a tense shift.
"I tried the voice again." Should it not be my instead of the?
"just like I remembered… …and the memories slipped away like dust." As said as before, and should also start with a capital letter.
"With them." You do properly want to look at this sentence again, because right now does it more or less just hang there, and does not really connect with the sentence before it.
"every slight movement every breath of air leaving a rawness that itched and irritated" I think that you are missing an comma in this sentence.
"over a face which… …a long, cruel, clever face… ...yellow eyes, pupils a dark, vertical slit, burning with an inner fire… …a mouth parting in shock, displaying sharp, deadly fangs… …I remembered," You do already know what I am going to say about the ellipses, but do also remember your capital letter when you start a new line like you do here. And I think that you have gotten the gist, so are not going to point this out any more.
"The stink of death layering my tongue I dug, the sad remains tearing like dry paper." I am normally pretty good at guessing what a sentence means... But I give up here. I think that you want to re write it.
"I bore the hooves like ice for what seemed an age," I do not know if it is my Danish brain that is making this up, but I can´t understand what you mean with this sentence.

2620049

I did have a friend of mine proof-reading, but then he started reading Project Horizons...

If you'll look there you will see there is a space after the ellipsis :raritywink: but seriously, I shall lean on him a bit. In the meantime I'll trawl through myself and blitz every error I see. I'm afraid I do tend to bend punctuation somewhat for dramatic effect, but perhaps some correction is required. The starlight issue is him emerging from the underground pool into nighttime, as he's been down there unconscious for a while.

Like I said, I'll spend some time proof-reading. It's very nice of you to come up with these lists for me, but I really don't want to impose on you. Many thanks though

So... I am beginning to loose a little bit of faith in this story by now. Not because it ain´t written good, because it are that. But because of the characters in it. Sure the main and nameless guy are getting some characteristics, but we are at chapter three now, and should know the main character just a little bit, even with an insomnia plot.

I know that the chapters are short, and that your chapter three is others ending of the prologue, if you look at length that is, but that is no real excuse for knowing so little that we do. You have yourself chosen how long or short the chapters should be, what there should be in them, and how much focus that should be on certain things. And boy do we need some characterization, or for that matter interactions with the world instead of just hearing him talk like a SIr to himself.

Again, I do not say that the story is bad, or that I have lost hope. I had just thought more from the way that you can mesmerise me with your wordings. But good wordings does not make a story, or else would PH actually be worth reading and one of the better ones that is out there.

" Instead of long, sleek hairs there was now the mixture of metallic tubing, red artificial fibres and heavy cables with plug-tips that rattled together when I moved my head."

I must admit that it sounds rather odd when you describe it like this, especially since this is not the first time he comment on his newly computerised mane. Your wording here is very much as if it was a first, but we are in the second chapter, and it is a really really weird spot to add a description like this, at least with this wording. I could really see this small scene work, but you need to re word it to fit the situation better then.

Nitpicks.
I do still love my spaces after my ellipses :raritywink: And don´t want to point them all out this time.
“Sorry about this old chap” Remember to end your dialogues properly. What do I mean by that, put a sign at the end.
"…an answering groan came from above." There is no real need for this ellipses, and remember to start your lines with capital letters.
"disgorging stones and brick that struck like small hammer blows." Should it not be plural brigs?
“Here’s to you, then” As I said before about your dialogue.
"claiming to be descended from a muffin." I am rather sure that you can´t use descended like this, maybe use "a descendant" or "descending" instead.
"…and the streets were dead" Again. there is no need for this double ellipses, and you should start this line with a capital letter.
"…laughter… …the cries of happy young foals running in the sunshine… …somepony calling my name… …and now they were dead." The same as above, valid for all four lines and sentences.
"I sprinted the centre." Are you not missing a word or some here?
"she’ll have our hides if it gets away..!" Either do you have a period to little, or two to many. I am thinking the second thing regarding this sentence.
"…his head exploded, scattering ichor… …any other questions Stapleface?!" Remember to start with capital letters.
"…gunshots, yells, blood, uniformed ponies falling as the shotgun kicked… …the mask itches, Clink shouting for us to go, muffled by the gas hood… …congratulations, thumps on the back, rich, heroes… … they've found us… … fucking shoot!..." Same as before.

2644975

Ouch, you don't mess about do you? Never mind, on we go. Are you saying that we need to know a little bit more about the main character? There's a lot of revelation coming up in the next chapters, but should I bait the audience with a bit more now?

2646940
That is me in a nutshell, not beating around the bush, saying things as blunt as I can at times, and point a fuckton of small mistakes out because I have my work related damages by now.

And yes, there is always hints and baits that you can add, never do I think that I have seen a story that have have shown to small hints and minor pieces of a character, the important thing is just to remember not to make those small pieces of "bait" blunt, but let them work with the stories flow.

And dude... if you think that I am a little bit harsh, that I am resistant with the mistakes that I point out, is it actually because I like your story and want it to be better than it is now. Because you can write, or you can at least set your words better than many other Fo:E writers can, if you ask me, the thing that it is about is that what you write about need some help.

2647242

Oh I'm eternally grateful for your kind assistance. Don't worry, blunt away as much as you like. I've been asking, and reading, around and I think I've picked up some ideas about how to evolve my characters, get readers involved in them and so on. I'll make a few adjustments and see what happens.

You have a smooth, eloquent writing style my friend - your story flows very well :twilightsmile: I'm getting a distinct Jack the Ripper vibe from Outmode; a vicious, gentlemanly sort of impression, and I have to say, I quite like him. :twistnerd:

You're only a few chapters into your fic, but I felt a real sense of closeness between Stellar and the then unnamed protagonist. That was a great achievement in the space of a single chapter :pinkiehappy:

"What...the actual fuck?"

That line was class, by the way :rainbowlaugh:

Also, hooves and inches? Nice touch :raritywink:

Looking forward to seeing where this is going :yay:

2652431

Your comment just made my day :scootangel: thank you very much.

And it is time again again. What time is it again do you perhaps ask yourself? Well REVIEW TIME of course? What the buck is REVIEW TIME do you perhaps ask yourself by now, well it is my old catchphrase that I had forgotten for a moment, so now that we are up to date, let us commence.

A thing to remember to next time you write a chapter, your wordcount. I have nothing against this 6K chapter mind you, but you get the best flow in your story if all of your chapters are about the same length, plus minus 25% of the length that you settle on as your main length. It is nothing important, or a mistake as such. But it makes it look way way more professional with chapters about the same length, instead the jump from about 3,5K words to about 6K to almost 11K. Again not a mistake or important, but just an advice to make it more neat.

Italic... How I hate thou, oh sloping scripture. How you make signs look so out of place, how you make it hard to concentrate when you lean to the side time and time again... Okay and to the point now. It is not directly pleasant to read a whole chapter in italic, and I must personally say that it even get on my nerves at times when whole segments of a story are it, and then do we have this 6K and then some word long chapter that are it from beginning to end. It is clear why you chose to do like this, it is after all a flashback/dream/alternative dimensional chronological timeline exposure/back story, and only something that happens in his head (or did it?), but readers are smart enough to know that we are in the past, so there is no need to put your whole chapter in italic. I could understand it if we had some present time interactions disturbing and interfering now and again, or an ending where we see the main character reacting on what we the readers just have read, but when no such things come, when we stay in the past for the whole ride, are there no need to do this artistic thing as such. It is understandable and logical what you did here, but a literal pain in the eye for me as a reader, making me need breaks now and again to not literally make my head hurt.

" So I was overjoyed to find half a pizza, still warm, discarded by swaggering soldiers who could take what they liked whenever they wanted it."

Sorry I can´t see either Lunas or Celestias armies doing such a thing, or ponies in general just taking stuff from others. Ponies does after all live with other codes and traditions than we do, and unless you run a dictatorship and use your armies for oppression can I not see them wanting to take/steal from those they protect, we are after all talking about their own people. I know that it is somewhat different in the real world, that the natures of armies ain´t so rose red as I tried to paint it as, but this is an army build from MLP, where things like kindness and generosity, and even loyalty that we can take into this picture, are manifested in physical avatars. And yes I know that they are in war, yes I know war is bad. But Fo:E are special because it build on the kindness and friendship from the show, like we see in why they invented the megaspells or why and how the stables was made.

Beside that, and I know that this is a really really big nitpick, but pizza in a setting where said pizza can make ponies flip their lids. I can see what picture that you are going after, how grim and bleak the world is when war are happening, and my hat off to you for making that picture have the impression it haves with so few words, but do you know how many resources you actually need to make said pizza? If there really was such a big need for food as you picture do I not think that ponies would make pizza, or if you even could buy all the ingredients would I not think a restaurant/pizzaria could afford to make one, or ponies to buy one. I can understand why you use that food, a kind of food that all should know and love, both for how it taste and even more so for how easy and somewhat cheep it is to get your hands on in today's world. But pizza in a war torn Equestria... sorry it does just seem so odd and out of place, but I do also know that I over analyse it right now.

"A coat of purest black, a short-cut mane of bright, burning silver, a tail that flowed like mercury. She looked me in the eye, her long, inexpressibly lovely face crooked into a wry, cunning smile. Her eyes were golden, and shone like gems. Her cutie mark was a silvery five-pointed star, trailing flame."

I know that this also are a giant nitpick, but how the buck can our protagonist see the flank of her when he are staring her in the eyes? The butt of a pony and the head of one are after all in the opposite directions. Not to forget that the marks are sitting to the sites, so that makes it harder to see them if you are looking directly from one end or another. Beside that, and this is a personal thing, do I really really hate it when descriptions comes in dumps like that, because who the buck takes all the details of another character in at ones normally. That you then find the only time where I think that they are working, and to a point needed, are just brilliant, because it helps building up how fascinated he is with Stellar.

I looked up, and grinned in satisfaction."Not stupid enough..." I said to the air "...to leave my wallet hanging out"

No comment about the double ellipsis... Okay logic ruined there. Normally would I just put this in the nitpicks, but there is something special about this part. Or protagonist steals, and with what I have seen of him, how he got raised in luxury, how the state took anything from him, and how he still live a live of plenty (if just not the plenty he is used to, but at least more than most others), can I simply not see why a pony like him should, or for that matter could, steal. I know that characters can have many facets, many sides to them, and hidden duality in them. But a fine mama's boy, that even after his brain have been trough the thorough setting on the brainwasher still acts finely and somewhat snobbish. Sorry no, I can not see how that fits into the picture, or the logic behind the choice of letting him do such a thing.

"Fucking hay"... Fucking hay... You have a gang here, and even if mister protagonist is new is the worst he can say "fucking hay"... I don´t know if I should laugh over how sadly simple it is, or cry over the missed opportunity to write something big here. But fucking hay, come on! You have enthralled me with your words at times, you can do better with that.

So after a itchy bitcy deal of google-fu do I now know what a BDU are, and do also know that it is an American therm only. I have nothing against acronyms and what not, but it breaks the flow that I as an European have to look up a word like that. I know that it ain´t a problem for many, but would just want to point out this break of the flow for all us non Americans.

"The ceiling imploded, carrying with it the dark suited figures of armed pegasi"

Sorry are we thinking on the same kind of implosion, the kind where the roof would curl together into a ball, like the treatment tinfoil gets after its job with protecting lunches are done, or another kind of implosion. Because I do not know of anything in the pegasi arsenal that could do such a thing. Or else is it just me that get the wrong picture of the scene that you try to make.

"A hatch in his prosthetic leg was open, and a small silvery egg was spinning gently on the floor. “Oh fuck grena...!"

No simply just no. There is freedom of interpenetration and what not, but grenades in Fo:E look like apples. It would be like changing the colour of a pony to change the form of the grenades, especially when we think on how detailed they are in the original, even letting the stalk of the metal apples being the split that you need to take out before they can go boom. I know this is somewhat a nitpick, but it is lore none the less.

My last thing before I go to my nitpicks. I did actually not really like your pre-war (or pre-bomb would be the better therm) Equestria. It is way to gritty and dark, almost like the world in the Fo games. Normally would that be a compliment when we are talking about a crossover, but we are not technically talking about that when we are on Fo:E territory. Fo:E does after all build mostly on the show with it norms, culture and virtues, and does only take the games apocalyptic setting, history to a degree and tec to another degree. It is a mistake that I see many new Fo:E writers, and a few experienced ones, do. And that is to take to much inspiration from the games, and also from our world, making their stories to dark, and some grimdark.
This does not so much look like a big happy family turned sour and cruel, forgetting old virtues and moral in the search of a better world for the foals of tomorrow, but more like a setting inspired from the world wars, with greed and hunger for more power and land sitting with the steering wheel.
But with that said, I remember you said that you read others stories for inspiration, to see how you could make your characters better and such. May I then recommend reading The Last Sentinel for its pre-war setting? Only the reflections are relevant for this matter, and I would somewhat say that you could jump directly into them since they describe the backstory of the main character. But the whole story in itself is a good one to study if you seek improvement.

Nitpicks:
Something that I noticed was that you where missing the ending period, comma or what not in some of your dialogues. I know that it is a small thing, but it is a mistake none the less. Normally would I put the instances down here between my nitpicks, but I know that I missed to copypaste one, so I think it is better to point at the overall problem in this case, instead of the instances where the problem pops up. Uhh and remember the spaces after the ellipsis. I know that it ain´t a rule, but it makes it look more neat and professional, and all the others are beside that doing it.

"and made it home" You have forgotten the capital starting letter here.
"a short-cut mane of bright, burning silver," I admit it openly that I know nothing about commas and how to use them, but do you not break your sentence up in a rather odd way here?
“Um…..uh…I’ve got some food stashed at my place so would you like to come and get something? Um…I mean, please don’t rob the place but…uh…y’know…” You have some periods to many in your first ellipsis.
"as I soaked the squeegee and applied it to the Imperial crest on door of the military patrol cart" Are there not missing a the before the door?
"And h'what...! ... is you doing there exactly?" Double ellipses
"You is going to carry on taking so bloody long...! ...all bloody night! " Another case of the double ellipses, and I think that there is something wrong with the wording here, I know at least "You is" is a mistake.
"Now ,fillies and colts" Your comma are on the wrong side of the space.
"A horrible, gloating chuckle ," You have a space to many here
"What a mouth on you..." he laughed" The second sentence needs either a period or a comma.
"he gently lay down his head" Should the lay not be in past tense?
From "I hung my head, and said nothing." to "I want my fucking wallet back you son-of-a-bitch." did you have a coding mistake and are missing the italic front
“We have a job... …I got a tip off from our spy in the Royal Celestial Exchange." Double ellipses
“You’ve gotten smart since running with me… …the thing is… …the thing is we’re desperate." Double ellipses, all of the double ellipses.
"ok I get it… ..you’re the biggest bitch in the room" The same as before.
"No… …No!" And again.

And a little, and quite important thing, to end all this off with. Just because I have mentioned negatives this time instead of positives does it not mean that your story, or you as a writer for that matter, is bad. I can just not see any point in yet again stating that your writing style is amazing and different, that when you describe stuff is it painted up with crystal clear colours, and that all the mistakes that you make are beginner mistakes, showing that you can write, and that the only thing that holds you back are your lack of experience because you are new to this. Another thing to think back on is why I should use time and energy to write all this. Why would I do all this if this was bad and there wasn´t any hope? Why would I write 2,5K and then some words to you if I didn´t think you could improve? Again I do not say that this is bad, even if that picture can come with some of my wording, but there is much much hope for you as a writer.

You have much potential, and do just need to study and learn a bit more. This is not bad for a first timer, or for Fo:E in general, but why call it good when it is easy to see that it could be even better? That your maximal potential ain´t reached yet. Sure you are good, but boy you could be even better. That is maybe also why I don´t focus so much in depth with your good points, but instead the bad ones time and time again, because there is much need for improvement for being a good story. Your story are fine now, but why stop there when it is things like overuse of ellipses and missing periods and commas that drag you down?

And now that I am talking about the small things, the punctuation and such, would I want to say take a look at this, it is a nifty guide, and it would be able to help you a whole lot if you just skimmer it trough.

2661188

This has to be the best episode of Review Time yet. I laughed, I cried, I fell off my chair. Well done sir.

So, about the atmosphere. The thieving soldiers, the poverty, the starving ponies in the gutter. I have tried to write a much more, shall we say human picture of wartime Equestria, where the left hoof does not knoweth what the right hoof doeth. Sure Luna's on the throne, but in reality the corporations make the decisions. Corrupt businessponies "reinterpret" the orders from above, bent Generals send their troops where they think they'll earn the most money or the most medals, and further down the hierarchy the military has grown selfish and drunk on newfound authority. I am imagining the times just before the end of the Soviet Union, or what I think they were like. Perhaps I'm wrong. The real question I put to you is: have I taken too much of a liberty? This is the picture I wanted to write, but is it too much? Have I gone too far with the artistic licence and offended the mystical creature known as The Great Canon?

I shall certainly whizz through and pick the nits. Your little paragraph at the end was really quite touching. Thank you for your time.

2661310
Before you even think on changing anything, think on why you did what you did to begin with. What are the choices behind making this more "Soviet Union" like world?

After you have thought on that, think on what makes Fo:E Fo:E and MLP MLP. When you have those two pictures then find the way to mix them together, how to make your world into "our" world and make it come to piece with the lore.

Because personally would I say that this is taking a step to much away from the lore, again personally. I do not say that a more gritty bureaucratic "no ones knows what the others do" world would not fit into the lore or the world, but as it is now is it hard for me to make it fit properly.

So all in all, don´t go away from your picture and the world that you want to create, but do instead see how you can make it fit with the lore. It is not like I say "abandon", no I say "evolve".

Because in the end, a gritty world like the ones from 40K and Fo the game are grimdark, but are the world filled with love and harmony that rot before the eyes of the ponies that only wanted to make the world better for all not worse? Is it not more deep that the projects made to save the future of all, projects that was logical sound failed, instead of projects made with no other goal than money and the future of few. Are it not deeper that a magical wonder that can beat death, the megaspells, got turned into the weapon that scorched the lands and killed millions, than the bombs that was made to secure power though threats of obliteration?

Would it in the end not give a even more grim and cruel picture if you took your vision of the world, and found ways to make it fit into the paradise of Equestria?

... I think that I will stop now before I make a wall like before. But in clearer words, no you did not take to large liberations, as such, but there is problems with what you have right now, and it could be better if it got polished just a little bit.

I have a bad day, so lets see if I can´t get my mind away from things with this chapter. So yes that means REVIEW TIME!

"Connection established. Radiation-counter engaged. S.A.T.S. online. E.F.S. online. Parasite online. Please use this product responsibly…"

Hmm looks like the normal standard pack for a cyborg. Having S.A.T.S, E.F.S and the usual and all loved parasite... Hey wait this is a new thing! "Parasite" does not sound good in any way or form, so I hope that this will end well for mister Cablehead. Yes that is the name for the protagonist for now. You haven´t given him a name, so I had to. And no Outmode is not a name! I can´t hear you!
... Oh it makes him into a vampony! A rare augmentation in Fo:E but sadly seen before, but only twice luckily.

I also took some saddlebags from a corpse and swept up whatever loot I could find, including guns, a medical syringe and the drugs littering the table, reasoning that since this was actually the apocalypse such things would have worthwhile value.

This is a little bit odd to me. Both that he knows that he is in a post-apocalyptic world without seeing much of it, sorry a sewer filled with grime and booming with bodies and some mad raiders does not really count for apocalyptic when you wake up in a tube like he did. Not saying that it is bad reasoning, but it is just odd that he already knows it, even after the trip on memory lane, before he have spoken with anyone.
Beside that, when have drugs not been worth a whole damn lot of money/bits/caps? He comes from the criminal underworld, so he must surely know that drugs are good looting material, no matter what age he is in.

So a healing syringe. I know that this is more or less done in honour of the games with their stimpacks, but you know that there are healing potions right? Not that I don´t like the idea of healing syringes, a smart thing if you have a centralised damage or a internal one. And it is rather logical that raiders would have a lot of syringes to spare, and not a lot of potion bottles, and wanted to inflict pain on friend and foe alike before the potion began working. But as said, there are already potions, and why invent the wheel again when it already are there?

"At first Trepanna blinked in confusion. Then she hissed as the pressure increased. Sharp gun barrels bit through both dead and living skin, and she howled in agony."

I am no gun expert at all, in no way or from, but I do not really think that the muzzles on the barrels are sharp. What I instead would thing they where was burning hot. When you can cook bacon with most automatic rifles when you empty a magazine would I think that such a big rag that could hold the wall of fire up for so long would be really hot, even after the beating and little "talk". So instead of cutting her, burn her. Brand all those muzzles into her skin, leave wounds that will never heal.

"The war escalating, until they began the final nuclear doom, deploying weapons and spells of apocalyptic power"

I take it for granted that your "nuclear" was just a slip of words, because such thing does not exist in Fo:E. Sure there are balefire, radiation and ghouls, but the atom splitting tec ain´t here in Equestria.

"I remembered. It was a Pip-Buck 3000, a tool for almost every task imaginable. I had owned one before… Time spent with friends in the streets of Canterlot… My first Pip-Buck, shiny and new, so happy…"

Say what? How could he get a Pip-Buck if he didn´t live in a Stable? Stable-tec did after all not give these away freely at each and every corner... unless you lived in one of their Stables that is. Beside that why do he need a Pip-Buck when he already have one in his head? He have the S.A.T.S and E.F.S. so he must have some kind of computer inside of him, and he does not need the light since he can see fine in the darkness already. Then add all the cables that Cablehead owns and it would be odd if they wasn´t connected to some kind of computer. I would say please rethink this part with giving him a Pip-Buck, because from my point of view are it not needed. Beside that, who gives a Pip-Buck away just like that?

So... Have I ever said that I have been working as a cook for a while now, and I think you have misunderstood something with your crepe suzette (actually written Crêpe Suzette since it is French). A Crêpe is a pancake, and not a kind of pudding, and a Crêpe Suzette is a Crêpe that you pour liquor and sugar over and then ignite to flambé it and giving it a caramelised coating. I think that you meant a Crème brûlée or a Panna Cotta, I do always mix them up, but both taste heavenly and are both different kinds of vanilla pudding served with a caramel sauce, the Crème brûlée with the hard caramel on top, and the Panna Cotta with the syrupy caramel on top... And shame on you for making me hungry!

So before the nitpicks. A few things that I have taken notice of with this chapter is your names on your ponies. And here do I mean how you give ponies "real" names, and don´t name them after stuff like all other ponies are. It is a small detail, a really really small one that I personally don´t have anything against, but I would still like to point it out. Another thing I have noticed is that you know where to use separators, and all in all use them. Many others would just take this chapter and run it trough without adding a single separator, and especially not use them properly as you do in the second half of this chapter after they leave the raiders. So kudos to you for having a rare skill in Fo:E, because damn there is a lot that don´t know how to do that. But saying that... Boy you need to work on your punctuation, especially when we are talking about dialogue. I think that you almost made a mistake each and every time that you didn´t use either a exclamation mark, question mark or ellipsis. While it normally are a small thing does it grow into a big one when it happen again and again, and not only in this chapter but also your other ones. My best advice to you are taking a night out of the schedule, read this guide, and then go trough your story before you even write a single word more on the next chapter.

I lied, there is an actual last thing. Now that I have read this chapter does it feel like that this is a length that you are comfortable with. Your pacing are good, there happens a lot, we get a good amount of descriptions, and there are some backstory told and characterisation done. But saying that can I look back on your other chapters and see how they are shorter, especially the first three ones. Remember that the spring in chapter length does seem a little bit unprofessional. It is a mistake that all does, or at least all new writers does, so it is maybe something to think over and remember now that you write your next chapters. Try to keep the length the same. Sure 25% plus or minus does not hurt, but any more than that ruin the overall flow does my experience tell me.

Nit of the picks.
Again do you have problems with missing punctuation in your dialogue (but I have mentioned that), and some missing spaces after your ellipses.

"Her dead body on the stone." This sentence would normally work, but as the start of a new chapter do you need to referee to what that had happened and not just jump into it.
"But now she was ugly, foul, degenerate" Should your degenerate not be in past tense?
"They killed each other long ago when the spells fell." Missiles or megaspells would properly be a better word than only spells.
"Thank you for choosing Stable-Tech…" Many does this mistake, but tec is without the h
"S.A.T.S. engaged…" Since you have "Target Acquired" in italic in the next line, should this not also be in it then?
" Every part of me said yes, yes, YES!" Would saying not make it flow better?
"The yellow glow of lamplight glowed around the corner," Maybe do you want to change either glow or glowed, it makes a rather flat sentence with the same word used twice like this.
"Watching you. Forever." Of all the places that you could use a ellipsis do you not do it here? I am somewhat disappointed
"my wounds crawling closed." I know that there is something wrong with this sentence, but I do not know if it is a tense mistake or what it is.
“So what’s it gonna be big guy..?” You have either a period to few or to many here.

2671988

Oh dear, I went and got my desserts all mixed up. How embarrassing :raritywink:

Ok, about the Pip-Buck thing. I was told by my ex-proof reader (darn him) that Pip-Buck's were available to the very rich before the crisis began, then as danger loomed they were dished out to Stable residents. Perhaps he was wrong (Oh god I hope he was wrong). The main reason I gave one to Outmode was that it was the very one Zapper used earlier, the one holding the data about his transformation. Should I still get rid of it?

And yes, the healing syringe was a little stimpak alteration. I just prefer the idea to healing potions because it seemed odd that in battle you would have a fragile glass bottle rather than a convenient syringe.

The nits will be ferociously picked. Cheers mate :twilightsmile:

2675099
If Stable-tec made this experiment from the button and ran it, then no. A Pip-Buck is after all good to save data on, and are always taking health checks on its user, so it would not be far-fetched to smack one on Cablehead to monitor him. But giving him one in pre-war time... Well maybe are there other stories that say that Stable-Tec sold their Pip-Bucks to the rich and others, but I have not seen it yet in those stories that I have read.

And the desserts... Well it is a honest mistake. It should just be a fine dessert, and a Crêpe Suzette is also rather fine after all. That it don´t have any putting are just a minor detail :derpytongue2:

I Doomande claim this first post! And thus will I return later on when my lady have taken her trip home and leave a real review.

2697487

You are very welcome to that first post :twilightsmile: see you soon

2697616You like many others deserve alot more likes. I salute you sir. This stallion is exactly what I want my character to be in the future...A mercenary that knows what he is.:moustache:

2705667

You have just resolved such a lot of turbulent insecurity for me. I was so intensely worried that he'd turn out cliche, another abused character that escapes from a tragic past blah blah etc. My heartfelt thanks :scootangel:

heh, i do love the calculated mayhem he makes. "oh look im drunk, oh hey, look a machete....know what? i cant get drunk *snigger*"
outmode is best hired gun/blade?

2710765

Best merc? Oh my...:raritystarry: I'm not sure I can aspire that high. Cheers though :raritywink:

2711592

hey, how many others can say "the more you bleed, the stronger i get!"
and i mean come on, cable dreadlocks? thats just awesome....does this little filly know this yet?
ps: picture him being all posh...with a mustache.:moustache:

2711608

She doesn't know much about him yet, and there is going to be considerable discussion between them about Outmode's oddities later. I'm so grateful for your kind words, but I think a mustache would be a bit impractical, it would probably get clogged with blood :rainbowwild:

I see you've gone for the RR Martin beginning, by introducing us to characters that could be the protagonist, then jumping to the real main character in the next chapter. Cool. Looks like Doomande got all of the little mistakes, so I'll just say that I like how you've handled amnesia from the first-pony-perspective. Very well done.

I like your style of writing. Unlike Fo:E and Project Horizons, which were both grounded in reality, your style has a flair of whimsical, filled with decent metaphors and similes. Though I think you might have been mixing up Fallout's stimpacks, and Fo:E's healing potions.

2714910

Many thanks for your kind feedback :twilightsmile: What I'd really like to do is use all that whimsy when things are about the sensation and environments, but when things get bloody I want the gritty and visceral. Have I managed it or does it need some work? Cheers

I will not write wall of text like Danish viking there. I just want to say. IT'S FUCKIN AWESOME! :rainbowkiss:
I still don't understand a timeline. It should be somewhere almost in same time as LP?
Finally! Protagonist that drink blood! :yay: It's a clear water! Drink blood is a good idea for everyone in wasteland.:twilightsheepish:
I not like 'tragedy' tags.. That he lost everything, not means it's tragedy (in FoE at least). Usually it makes me think writer will kill protagonist or another loved by readers character in the end to make everything looks more 'tragedy'. (Hello 'sacrifice himself' shit that filled popculture nowdays). For me, if you not want to write 'real' tragedy, then not use this tag at all.
This shit written so good, it's like refreshing tea. :pinkiehappy:

2725048

Yes, I'm thinking its at the same time as LittlePip but I'll move him away before any clashes can happen. And I was a little unsure about tags at the time so that's why that's there. But right at the end I'm thinking of making something unspeakably horrible happen, something that's a good literary idea but absolutely unpleasant for my character. I have plans :raritywink: And I am extremely flattered about the tea reference, I believe I shall have to brew up a pot right now :moustache:

For way to long have this sat on my back burner, for to long have I not written a wall of text for this story, for to long have I not made a REVIEW TIME here even if it was promised, but now is the day where it will come!

"Dash-eyed clan gangbangers who couldn’t hit an ursa if it was humping their leg."

I must admit that this got a rather big laugh out of me, even if I can´t really see what the gangbang part have to do with anything at all.

So that scene where we start with the club... Sorry but does not really sound rather wastelandly to me. The atmosphere are fine, way that you build up the scene are fine, the actual battle if we can call the slaughter that are fine, but so much magical energy used on having fun in the wasteland? Sorry the whole scene sounds more like a pre-war thing than a post-war, and I was actually thinking that we where in a flashback again. Maybe is it just me that are nitpicky, but I would say that it could use some more wasteland vibe, because the only thing that are showing that this is post and not pre is the tire armour. Maybe could it help if you made a little note about how the stropelight reflected in Cableheards cables or something like that, so we know that his transformation have happened. And beside that, what post-war nightclub would allow a pony in with a violin case? I know that it is classy as hell, and taken from old mobster movies, but instruments are their weight worth in gemstones if they work properly, so should the guard not be a little bit suspicious and want to know what a classical fellow that are known for killing raider gangs are doing in a place like this?

All in all do I not really have much to say about this chapter, nothing new as such beside the next piece of the plot happened. But I would say that it is rather clear with this chapter that you are a novice writer still. I don´t really know what that did it, but I think that it have something to do with your pacing. It is like it is delivered in small fast paced packets instead of a whole chapter with the same tempo, as if you are trying to hard to get to the plot that you establish. If I had to call this anything would I call it your worst chapter to date, and I do not think that I would had returned back to your story if your first chapters was of this quality. But all have bad days and worse chapters, so lets hope that the next one are just as good as some of the older ones.

Nitpick:
"I tugged down the peak of the grey work cap to hide my features," You have a double space in the start of this sentence.
“Listen…ah…this is awkward but…I meant what I said about not being Slingshot’s friend." You are forgetting your spaces after your ellipses.
"I levitated the violin case, then switched the spell’s effect to the object inside it. The case snapped open and dropped away.
Hovering mortally in its place was a Coltson M1ACP, Manehattan model with optional foregrip and drum magazine. Theatrical, and lethal." I don´t know why, but for me as a reader are the line between these two sentences not there.
“I can pay” You are missing some kind of punctuation in the end of this.
"I gave a mirthless snigger" And here.
"They will pay..." You are missing an " in the end of this sentence
"The damp concrete steps clattered coldly beneath my hooves as I hurried down them at as dignified a pace as I could muster" I do not think that the first as is the right word to use here.
And the last *** *** *** are not really needed as you end your chapter there anyway.

2745242

Oh, did I screw up that badly? Oh that's not good, not good at all. I'll try to rescue it next chapter.

I Love this Fiction with a passion, this is actually what got me to read the original Fallout: Equestria as I had never red it but after reading this I really took a shine to the post apocalyptic Universe of Mlp, Can't wait to see where it goes keep up the good work and I wish you the best of luck with your Writing my good sir. :pinkiehappy:

2931205

What a sweetheart :twilightsheepish: my thanks.

2939000

I shall obey. I'm digging myself out of a dark spot in my life at the moment, but the end is in sight so I should be back on form soon. Thank you for the support :twilightsmile:

2940056

I gave you 12 weeks. Where is my next chapter~! :raritycry:

3379108

You did didn't you? You've been so kind, and I have repaid your kindness with failure. I'm at University now you see. I've got essays breathing down my neck, essays on stupid incomprehensible gibberish designed to confuse and terrify. I'm genuinely frightened here.

I don't know what else to do. You'll be pleased to know that I have another chapter almost finished, it's just making the final push with all this academic nonsense staring down at me.

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