"Destiny is never definite. Who we are allows us to make our own destinies and it's only our will to change it that can make it happen." So could one pony change more then just his own destiny if he tried hard enough?
Rampant Storm, a pegasus and son of a late former Captain of the Canterlot Royal Guard, signs himself up to join. And through he has a shaky start, he begins to find his place in the guard. But in his early days, they would prove to be the most grueling and chaotic of his life.
Story is currently caught up on all issues that I've been able to determine through the help of the reviews at the bottom of the page. Thank you to those who helped!
Info you may need:
(First Person Perspective)
Might become Mature in the future.
All Character tags are for characters who have confirmed major impact in the story for what I have planned, even though some may not do anything important right away.
Still deciding on the genre tags that fit with the story. I don't want to put something on the story if it doesn't meet the expectations that others would expect.
You asked for feedback, so here I am.
First, the bad. Err, I mean the "could use improvement".
To start, I don't like this intro. I don't see that it serves any point but to say "Hey! I'm gonna go follow my dad's footsteps!".
You don't need a scene for that. That's appears to be already built into the plot and can be touched upon throughout your story. Plus, that's a totally unrealistic thing for the main character to be outright saying. Rarely do people consciously do things to please their parents like this. Typically they think they want to do it for themselves and only come to realize they are really doing it for someone else.
If there's no beef between the Storm and his father then it'd make more sense for him to be doing it for BOTH reasons. But mainly because he wants to do it, not to make his father proud. But it seems like this isn't the case, and that he's literally doing it just to make his dad proud of him. At MINIMUM I'd add in at least a little comment or two from Storm about it. Something like, "Well, Dad, time to make you proud, you old bastard."
I have no idea what color this is. Keep the colors simple. Just say orange, or maybe bright orange, fiery orange, or something else that is easily recognized. Just remember that most readers aren't keeping track of every little physical detail, so you don't need to go crazy on it.
This is kind of an info dump. For one, I don't even know why he's wearing sneakers. He's a pony. Hell, I don't even know why he's wearing any clothes at all. But that's probably just my personal taste and familiarity with nude ponies, so it's not a big deal. (Edit: Totally didn't know this was anthro until I got to chapter 3) The big deal is that no one is going to remember what he's wearing when it's this descriptive and just dumped on them as it is. Try to take it one piece at a time and tie it in with an action or something. Perhaps something like:
Storm adjusted his blue-gray hoodie to keep the wing holes from pinching. (Or some other appropriate action, since hoodies don't really "pinch")
Just say "The pendant was a black tornado attached to a thin fabric strap." There's no need to say "looked like". It makes it sound kind of vague, as if it looks like a black tornado, but not quite.
Also, the first part is a little weird when you start off in "third" person and then you reveal it's Storm talking about himself. It's not really bad, it just comes off as awkward the way it is now. I'd nix it and just start with 1st person right off the bat.
Now, the good!
To start, your grammar is wonderful. I found little errors at all. The only one was:
Just remember that with a "said" tag, you never ever use a period at the end of a characters dialogue. But other than that, I didn't see anything else, so good job.
Since this is so short there really isn't much else to say. Moving on.
3384973
Fixed the prologue. Removed... most of the problems. Also it's an anthro fic. They all wear clothes.
A little "telly". Try using a physical action here instead, like having them all turn to look at him for a moment.
You don't need to add "jokingly". It's obvious from the dialogue and the sly smirk. (Redundancy is bad!)
Your description of where they are fighting is ho-hum. I actually had to go back up and re-read it to figure out where they were again. One way to alleviate this is to tie in the action with the environment. Even in a wide open arena there is still plenty of ways to do this. It can be as simple as saying, "I dodged left and nearly lost my footing on the arena's dirt floor." or "I packpedeled until I hit the brick wall." On a related note...
The fighting is bland and slow. You're having Storm say a lot of "I realized", "I noticed", and then having him explain something. This kills the momentum of your scene. Once you get into the action, keep it fast, and only explain what is absolutely necessary. We don't need him to tell us he "was almost too slow", it will be obvious from the action. Remember that a real fight is VERY quick and leaves very little time to actually think. Characters typically act before thinking, which is an ideal reason mistakes can happen. Some of the best fight scenes I've read have the main character doing something like, "I latched my foreleg around Brutus's muscle bound neck and a triumphant grin spread across my face. Until he grasped my hoof, nearly crushing it, and then ripped my foreleg away, tossing me aside like a ragdoll."
Two threads that have touched on how to write fighting scenes recently: Here and Here.
Also, the way he wins was completely cliche. Make Storm work for his victory! Have him get beat up a little! Otherwise there's no tension!
Avoid the meme's and cliches in your writing. For example, when storm yells, "Come at me bro!"
Please don't.
Good Stuff
Buahaha! This I liked.
I think you're strong at moving your story forward. That's good. You don't seem to get bogged down anywhere in the scene and everything appears to be relevant. Far too often I come across stories where 10,000 words or more are spent doing absolutely nothing relevant to the story.
Also, I'm terrible at telling people what they are good at unless I have specific instances to quote. And since good writing doesn't stand out, but blends in with itself, that rarely happens. So don't feel bad if the "Good" section is tiny compared to the "Could be better". (Plus it's very hard for me to say what is good because writing is a continuous process of improvement, and what is "good" today may be "meh" tomorrow for you or me)
I feel as if the things I've touched on in previous chapters can cover most of your story as a whole, so I wan't be quoting too many specific instances anymore. Except this one cuz it irks me bigtime:
Please... for the love of all that's warm and holy, do not ever have anyone "blush with embarrassment" again. The only time I've ever been able to tell that someone's blushing from embarrassment is either when they are in truly embarrassing circumstances, which this isn't, or when it was a friend of mine who's giant head and face would go from super pale white to strawberry red in about 2 seconds if he even so much as laughed. That's not to say that people DON'T flush with embarrassment, you just have to know when to use it. I'm not embarrassed when I'm with someone, even if I don't know them. I'm excited! If I make an ass of myself THEN I'll probably be blushing! Far too often, especially in romance fics, I see characters blushing from every look, touch, taste, or sound. People aren't generally embarrassed when they are with someone they have a crush for. They may be nervous, excited, anxious, but rarely embarrassed.
The big thing I've seen so far in your story is that it feels "shallow". And by that I mean that the situations you put your characters into feel a little forced and unrealistic. For example, the whole Storm goes to breakfast with Sun Gleam scene feels very very awkward. It's not that a mare wouldn't invite a random stallion who ran into her to breakfast, (which is kind of strange but is plausible) it's more that the dialogue and the way they act doesn't feel natural. I can't really tell you how to fix this, as I think it just takes more experience in writing. (And if your a teenager, a few more years of life experience helps tremendously) All I can say is try to have them act and react in a natural way, which may or may not be helpful.
Good Stuff
The flow and action is good overall.
Again, your keeping everything moving, so kudos there.
Also, I didn't even look at the tags for this story. I had no idea it was anthro until just now, so my comment back in the prologue about why they're wearing clothes is obviously not applicable. (And it's no longer a mystery why ponies are "punching" each other!)
3385476
I think I have a way to fix the restaurant scene.
Dat cover art!
Well... it's decent except for the problems that have already been brought to attention.
Best of luck.
I'm trying to fix that! Also: How did you read 21,000 words in 6 minutes? That's about 3500 words a minute!
Saw your post on the Authors Helping Authors page...so this is what I have.
prelude:
"Just one thing, honey," said an bright orange pegasus. Change the an to a
"Thanks mom! I'll see you soon and I promise I'll make Dad proud!"
lowercase dad
I'm not sure if the title captain needs to be upper case unless its being attached to a name or is in place of a name
ex. Captain Shining Armor and "Hold on Captain!"
Though I understand swearing might just be a common thing for you to write if you want to keep within the "Equestria" feel I would suggest maybe voiding asshole, bitch, and the like from the story. But since this is in the mind of a stallion, maybe this is me just being nit-picky.
Ch 1:
Instead of climb, a word usually used to define going up what about "...nodded and began to descend the stairwell"
The sand had chalk lines drawn in them <them should be it
coliseum<spelled Colosseum
try to be the crap out of each other. <be should be beat
"HAHAHA! You'll need to do better than that!" This should be fun. <Who is saying this is the reader supposed to assume it is Brutus or the referee?
Ch2:
because Shaker's ears wer <Do you mean were?
"...forced to me feel better!"
That exclamatory mark feels odd there, a simple period would work.
"...first as all I could do was staring at my ceiling for two hours thinking about everything;" Instead try "It didn't work out at first, all I could do was stare at my ceiling for hours thinking about everything;"
Ch3:
With numbers keep it consistent, in a previous chapter you explained Rampant's height with numbers, now in this chapter you spell out the time as eight 'o clock.
but not before I left a note explaining where I'm going and that I'll be home as soon as possible. < Why did he leave this, his mother knows he is trying out. Wouldn't she expect him to be at training
even if the prices are cheap.< Why would it be an issue if the food was cheap, unless you meant aren't cheap.
he rushed towards me again with the lance <it's not a lance it's a halberd
I decided to just focus on fight with Fate<my fight
Brutus and I looked over to Fate before at one another <Brutus and I looked over to Fate, then at one another
ch4:
This whole part :
I grabbed my backpack and changed into my armor in a room that one of the guards directed me to. I put on my helmet before I pulled my dad's sword out of the bag before unsheathing it to get a good look at it. It was a curve-bladed short sword that really didn't have anything special about it. Even though, it was all I had left of my dad and it was extremely important to me. The fight that was coming up would be the closest thing to my first real fight with this sword and my first real test of what I could do with it.
It needs some TLC in streamlining. I had to read this part over and over because you talk about doing things before doing other things. Why not say what Rampant did in order?
First I took out my father sword to inspected it. It was a curve-bladed(is it a kris, scimitar or a kukri?) short sword that really didn't have anything special about it. Even though, it was all I had left of my dad and it was extremely important to me. I resumed changing into my armor, with my helmet secured and my sword readied I knew the fight that was coming up would be the closest thing to my first real fight with this sword and my first real test of what I could do with it.
Slipstream, though, noticed my move and was clearly taken by surprise,
OBJECTION! How could Slip been clearly surprised yet he noticed Rampant's advances?
P.S. (I like so far how the story has turned out.)
Ch5:
"One more event like this and I'll bannedfrom the Royal Guard and then proceed to have you arrested. Am I understood?" <ban you from the Royal Gaurd ,or " ...and I'll have you banned"
Please!! mix in another synonym for decide in this chunk:
"What are you up to?" I wondered to myself, before I quickly and quietly followed him to the back alley. He started to look around but didn't look behind him. I decided to fly up to the roof top and watch from below. I made sure the distance was right so that Fate wouldn't get a full glimpse of me on the roof. I decided(reasoned) that spying wasn't a nice thing to do(maybe a comma here for better flow?) so I decided to reveal my presence.
"...as I do owe her for buy breakfast and"<did owe her for buying (she already bought the food, so it's past tense)
Ch6:
Brutus asked as loud as he can.<could (be mindful of your tenses if you typed ask in past tense make sure to put can in past tense as well)
A team of trainees, and the first thing you do is set them up for a Hollywood club fight. least it was eventful. I just hope you can have slow moments in your story, without having to rush into the action. With your 7 chapters so far, your story looks like it's developing well. I had fun reading it.