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Playwright always enjoyed writing since he was a foal and he once had high hope for himself as a writer. But everything changed when his first work was ruthlessly criticized, shattering Playwright's confidence and leaving him with self doubts of his skills, despite his early successes. But when he moves to Ponyville for a fresh start, he encounters a variety of friendly faces and in the process, finds his passion again to pursue his dream as a writer once again.
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I saw your post in one of the groups in my notifications and decided to review it as asked. I hope you don't mind.I, to be honest, really enjoy this story so far. I especially like the way you captured the main characters personality. The details are quite interesting. I'm giving my completely honest opinion on this story. I do enjoy how this story starts, especially with Pinkie Pie throwing a major party for the main character, which is exactly what I would expect from her. Now, if I were to rate this story on a scale from one to ten. I give it a 9. I look forward to more. But of course, I don't want to rush. I hope I'm not bothering you, I just get carried away sometimes.
Promising stuff. If you can give this tale it's own unique flavour then I'll be a happy bunny.
You know, I have to admit I'm surprised. After writing a 1309 word critique of another story, I expected to be here all night pulling this one apart. Quite the contrary, I find this... largely flawless. Mind, that's not the same thing as perfect, but it's rather well polished.
So, what can you improve on? Personally, I feel that your language is kind of flat. One of a writer's most powerful tools is vocabulary, because the correct use of adjectives can paint a scene not just physically, but emotionally.
Let's take the example of his green and pleasant brown house. You could have chosen far more descriptive words for these, is it a soft evergreen? A lively viridian? Your adjectives should be targeted to give an emotional flavor to the scene. What would we feel, were we to be walking beside him? Think about which words call to mind the mood you wish to evoke.
The other point I'd like to make is that you could use a more engaging hook. Romance stories are charming, but right now you lack that little shred of bait that will draw the reader along. If you're planning to ship your OC with someone, put some hints who it is, and what we can expect to see. Does he fall for Fluttershy, and wrestle to win her heart past her shy facade? Does Twilight take his fancy, and drive him to finally publish a work that will grab the biblophile's eye? Give us a reason to tune in next week. Give us something other than the vague future of an OC we just met.
I hope that helps.
(P.S. If you're feeling adventurous, Sunset Shimmer is a hot property right now, and I think her bombastic attitude could make for a volatile ride.)
3440439
A very good review, Between. You hit all the points that needed to be hit. The main reason I didn't cover the points you hit is because I was more focused on get the story moving, than on making sure it stays that way. Between, is right, UnKnown. I was going easy on you for descriptive words, because you had good grammar, but you can't just go without good descriptive words an entire chapter.
I mostly agree with Between Lines, your story shows a fairly high degree of polish at the moment and is very sound grammatically and structurally at the moment, there are few places where I question your word choices, but otherwise I can't find fault with it. You do run into problems when it comes to expressing characters, projecting emotion to the reader, and maintaining my interest.
Since this is a story about an OC we need to get a real feel for who he is, what he looks like, and what drives him. You did touch on some of this, but I am left with almost no idea who this character is beyond a depressed git (and I mean that in the nicest way). You've mentioned he is a reclusive failed pegasus writer who has moved to Ponyville to try and gain inspiration and escape depression, and that's about all we have on him. We have no idea what type of writing he does (and this detail matters), why his writing failed (you mentioned critiques hated him but not why), or even any idea what he looks like. Not to mention that while you've mentioned him being depressed over being told he sucks at what he thought was his talent (something I can relate to strongly), he doesn't feel like he's all that depressed when reading the story, just a bit anti-social. You can fix this with by inserting internal dialog that shows him beating himself up, moping over the pointlessness of this later endeavor, or even questioning why he shouldn't just quit life.
Again I must agree with Between Lines that this story has no hook to speak of and does a very poor job of holding the reader's attention. I found my thoughts straying from the story before the first page scene break and had to force myself to focus and pay attention to your story. I think this is largely in part due to the fact that you made the mistake of making your character a victim and ending your first chapter where it should have begun. By starting with Playwrite being surprised to find a crowd of ponies in his new home and pulling out his character and story from there you would have a hook and be able to show us bits of his character as he struggles with the crowd and his social anxieties before showing him trying to overcome his fears around writing and general depression while also setting up the start of the story's main romance plot.
Your story certainly has potential to be good, you just need to focus more on showing us the character struggling to overcome his many handicaps and blossoming romance instead of wandering around town being a depressed fuck (again in the best way).
*Claps*
You did it! The chapter was awesome! A nice ending to introduce the Romeo and Juliet love interest, and the beginning to set the stage for what would come to be Playwright's new life. Good job man! The detail was better, visually, but I do want to see some more sensually (meaning the senses, because sensual seems to have another meaning...) pleasing aspects to the story. Otherwise, I enjoyed this chapter very much! My best wishes and regards to you, UnKnown, as you continue this story.
P.S. If you need help figuring out what I meant with improving your detail sensually, or help with how to do it, just P.M. me. I'm am sure you can do it on your own though.
Until Next Chapter,
-Anonymous Hornet
too many seemed
could use a comma, "to pinkie, who"
run on sentence
Run on again
otherwise, good! Sorry it took me so long.
I overall liked this chapter, but the text is quite compact, more paragraphs would make it easier to read.
The part about Playwright's first set of short stories being a bust was a stroke of genius, as most people here can relate to that fear 
The story is very quick, quick is good, but this is just a teeeeeny tiiiny bit too quick, didn't really bother me much though
the vocabulary is kind of flat though, but just replace some words with their fancy synonyms and you should be fine 
(Cheating, I know )
I'm looking forward to more
I second GottaLovePinkiePie with the paragraph thing. Also, the narrative is freaking fast paced lol. Put a brake there, will ya?
Also,
That's... kinda awkward, because you don't follow up with a pony talking to you. Instead, you talk as if you have birds eye view of the scene, which you shouldn't be doing in first person.
Try:
Or something along the lines of that.
Also, I sense your OC is violent, picky and impulsive, just by the actions of purchasing the house. Great. Not a good first impression there, mate.
Same like the first chapter. It's toooo fast.
Your characters are decently crafted. BUT
PARDNER? really?
So Playwright is totally okay with 6 different ponies, especially like you mentioned, PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle, introducing each other to him. Really.
Okay, I'll take that he's friendly, but at least a bow, a courtesy or something? She's a princess now. And as Pinkie was definitely hyper, Big Mac was definitely 2-worded vocab as usual. But:
Just from 2 lines, your OC presumes he talks like that. No other reaction other than "oh? okay then?"
Also, how does he know Big Mac lives on a farm? For all you know, he could just work there. At least make him ask BM if he lives on the farm.
Okay, from this chapter, I feel like your OC is quiet, introverted. However, at one point, he seemed to talk more than what his introverted side would, and that's with the paragraph quoted above. A character like Fluttershy would love to
socialise and make friendshide away in the corner of a room in a social gathering. You mentioned Fluttershy is similar to your OC. If so, I wouldn't think he be interested in seeing every goddamn mane 6. I would think he make excuses to try to escape, but he seems like he's okay with the whole idea and doesn't try to resist.Overall, it's like a... 5/10.
You're grammatically sound, but you're a little too fast on pacing. Shorten your paragraphs or break them into different paragraphs. The romance isn't too overwhelming, which is a good thing.
Also, personal pet peeves that affected your score but doesn't really matter: Capitalisation SCREAMING, OC x Mane 6, OC automatically is friendly with them, ESPECIALLY PINKIE, OC x Pony that is similar to the OC.
Howdy there, authors helping authors here.
First of all, a wonderful story, really I quite enjoy it, which is really saying something because I typically cannot enjoy this type of character, unless it's Fluttershy of course.
Second: I did not see any grammatical errors...but then again I kept forgetting to look for any, so props on that I suppose.
Third: Does the character specialize in writing actual plays, or just short stories? Or perhaps he can write anything with a degree of success?
Alrighty then! Onward to reviews! On the whole, it doesn't seem too bad honestly. A bit cliche but not bad. Your writing skill is fairly good, and I'm glad to see in the comments that you take criticism well. You seem to have a grasp on introducing story elements, but it's a tad too early for me to make any sound judgments on anything yet. That said, I do have a few issues with this story:
This seems to be a bad cliché about how to write Pinkie’s rants. I know that it’s a very common way to do so, but it’s still a tad annoying (in addition to being almost unreadable). I would suggest writing the text with spaces and detailing that it's a string of almost non-coherent words/sounds in the prose outside of the quotes. This alleviates the reader from extra strain from trying to decipher these rants themselves and gives them the context of how it sounds for their own enjoyment.
Awkward phrasing. Consider revision.
This quote pretty much sums up what I’m not a fan of for this story. While this is not a bad thing per-say, I feel like (up to this point) Playwrite is just a R64 Fluttershy. Of course, he hasn't had much chance to get a decent introduction or develop his character yet, but I forsee this as being a tad annoying in the future.
In all honesty, I'm at a loss. I want to see what you have planned for this, but the general feel for the story seems to be a grim "woe is me" atmosphere with a slow connection built over time between Playwrite and Fluttershy. While this is a valid story-telling technique, I'm just personally not a fan of the "woe is me" attitude.
I never noticed the squigglies, to tell you the truth; I write all my stuff in WordPress -- I have a work-in-progress blog -- and the WP editor has been taught words like "anypony."
Really great job with this chapter, my friend. I look forward to seeing more of your brilliant work. And don't hesitate to ask for help when you need it.
I LOVE the Story! I´m really looking for the next Chapter keep up the great work!