Words Unsaid and Hope Undone
Ch.1: Moving In
“WELCOME TO PONYVILLE!” The dark room suddenly burst to life as almost, maybe even all of Ponyville was now in my house to welcome me. This band of lively party-goers was led by a pink mare with the puffiest mane style imaginable and the most insane levels of happiness to match. Given my inability to handle that amount of attention at one time, I started to breathe heavily and my heartbeat picked up immensely.
“Welcome to Ponyville I’ve never seen you before so I was all like who’s the new pony oh I just have to throw them a welcome party so he could feel welcome…” I could barely keep up and understand what she was saying and with my breathing getting more out of control, I felt my vision blur a little and I could hear my heart in my ear. She then began to push me and spout something about meeting other ponies but I really couldn't understand her ecstatic rapid fire speech and my heart sounding like a drum solo next to my head.
Everypony in the room felt like they were creeping closer and closer and I just felt smaller and smaller as I continued to be pushed on. The second she stopped pushing me, I fell to the floor and passed out from all the pressure and attention. I simply couldn't handle it all.
What did I do to deserve this?
Ever since I was little, I loved to write short little stories and soon after I discovered that love, my cutie mark took shape with a black pen on a piece of paper. My parents and my older brother who had just started his own successful business were right there and supported what I was going to do. They even helped me file for the name change that I was allowed when I acquired my cutie mark.
As I grew older, my skills got better but when I finally got out of school, I published my first collection of short stories about anything I could think of… and it was a disaster. The book was panned heavily by critics and it didn't make me any money to support myself. My first work turned into my first failure. Even with my family’s support of me afterwards, it was still all downhill from there.
With my confidence in myself shattered, I became even more reclusive than I ever was before. I hated being in public as a foal, and my failure only made it become fear. I was afraid of not only crowds but being the center of attention anywhere. My speech skills were even worse as I barely uttered a word to anypony outside my family. The devastation to know that the skill that I was told was what I was best at… was completely useless to anypony else had such a profound effect on me that I just wanted to fade away forever and never be seen again... that was till I moved to Ponyville.
With my rich brother’s loving support, I was able to afford a house out in the quiet town of Ponyville and live off the money he sent me on a bi-weekly basis until I could finally find a way to live off my own power. He recommended I go somewhere quiet and small to help inspire myself.
His words helped me when I needed to hear them the most. So I bought a ticket and got on the first night train I could get. I wanted to make extremely sure I didn't draw attention to myself so I chose a time when I could just sleep most of the ride. Just before I got on I took one look at the train.
'Am I really doing this?' I thought to myself, unsure that what I was doing was really going to help me. 'What's the point? This isn't going to work... How is moving to some small town in the middle of nowhere going to help me?' Before I could continue to contemplate getting on, the conductor shouted for everypony to get on. Even with my doubts, I pushed them aside and got on.
"Oh good: Enclosed spaces that I can't escape. My favorite. I began to snark in my head. Thanks heavy saddlebags that prevent flight. I handed the ticket to the conductor and headed to my seat. I took a good look around at my surroundings on the train. The walls were deep velvet red that went well with the orange paneling on the window frames. Lanterns hang above the aisle as the only sources of light in the train car. The floor was wooden but in the aisle was a bright turquoise rug that ran up and down it that stopped inches before the doors leading to other cars. I looked out the window as the train began to move. I waited for sleep for a little while before it finally caught me. It was probably the only thing that would have kept my growing anxiety from making me go cuckoo bananas.
I wished that it brought me something pleasant but my hopes were never fulfilled. The only dream I remembered was me standing in a dark, empty field alone and cold. I cried out for anypony but never received an answer. The only sound I could here was my own echo, getting fainter and fainter with each passing second till it finally vanished. The silence sent a chill down my spine as it left me feeling… scared. All I could hear was wind blowing softly by me as I started to walk around the field to find anypony. I would have been just as happy to find something small like a rabbit or a house cat.
I looked around to see nothing else before looking up at the bright moon. It wasn't round but was instead shaped like a book. The surrounding night sky was covered in stars that faintly resembled ponies that I knew. As I stared back at the moon in awe, it suddenly turned to shock when it started to fall towards me. The shock woke me up in a cold sweat and left me breathing heavily. I thankfully didn't wake any of the other passengers so no attention was brought to me. I leaned back into my chair uneasy and wiped some of the sweat of my face with my orange hoof. I stared out the window for the rest of the night, too afraid to return to sleep.
When the train got to the station the next morning, I got off and wasted no time getting to the town hall, so I could go see what houses they had for sale. Being on a train is unpleasant but being in public feels nightmarish to me. The sooner I could be off the street and out of the eyes of the world, the better. I didn't bother to make eye contact with anypony or say hello back to them. I didn't even bother to register whether or not the streets were even that lively. I stopped as I felt like somepony was watching me. I didn't want to stay there long so I shrugged off the feeling and continued for the town hall.
I walked up to the town hall and went straight in, only to see it wasn't too busy, which caused me to sigh in relief. I took a number and sat down, while I looked at the number that I picked, which was three. I looked at a little counter on the wall that said “2” on it.
‘I’m next,' I thought, as I sat back in my chair and took a good look around. The room could be summed up in two words: Basic beige. The only thing that was a different color were the chairs that were a more lively shade of crimson. On the wall was a bulletin board covered in rather colorful pamphlets that appeared to advertise the various businesses in town. At the front of the room was a wooden desk with a receptionist behind it filling out paperwork. After a while, I finally heard my number called.
“Next! Number three?” I sat up and rolled my travel case over to the front desk. The mare behind it gave me a bright and happy smile. “How may we help you, sir?”
“Um…I’m looking to buy a house to move into,” I nervously replied. The receptionist then nodded, before opening a file and began to sort through the papers.
“Okay, we currently have three houses up for sale right now,” She showed me the files, each with a description and some pictures of the front and their interior. The first house I looked at was big and spacious like a small mansion and almost immediately, I wasn’t impressed by it, due to its sheer size and I didn’t need that much space. The second house I looked at was rather small like a shed and I could only frown in response; what kind of pony would want to live in a place that barely has enough room?
Only one of the houses came fully furnished and it was one down by a creek. This one was the one that caught my interest the most. It had a nice, warm spring green paint that went well with the grassy surroundings with a small bridge leading up to it. The roof and shingles were painted a pleasant looking bright bronze brown that also felt right.
“Where’s this one?” I inquired. The mare then handed me a map of Ponyville. I opened it up and her hoof landed just outside of town.
“Right there. It’s probably the quietest place in town,” she commented. “Though be careful; the neighbor loves animals,” I nodded. After all, It was the only house that I was looking for.
“I’ll take it,” the mare seemed taken aback by my suddenness.
“You don’t want to check it out or anything?”
“I-It’s fine.” I tried to assured her nicely. “The pictures are enough to convince me,” The mare shrugged as she seemed to understand. She handed me a few papers and a pen and asked me to fill them out. I took a seat and spent the next twenty or so minutes answering questions ranging from payment plan to sources of income. When I finished, I handed her the papers and the full payment for the house before she gave me the keys.
“Hope you enjoy your new life here in Ponyville, Mr. Playwright!” The receptionist said happily as she waved goodbye. I waved back before heading for my new home. It was quite a walk and with me trying to get through town as fast as I could I really couldn't take in the scenery of the town but it was worth it as I got my first real look at my new home.
It was a small house but considering I was the only one living there, it was perfect. I could feel myself cheer up a little from just looking at the house and I hadn't even seen the inside.
I then began to hear sounds coming from next door. I looked to see all sorts of animals happily playing around in the yard. The receptionist back at the town hall did warn me about this. I paid it no more attention than this as it was cute but I wanted to see the inside of my new home.
I walked over the bridge and up to the door. I got the keys out but found my door was already unlocked. I started to get worried on what was coming next. I opened the door and saw that the whole house was dark. Curtains drawn, lights off, no light anywhere except for the light coming through the door. I shut the door and got the shock of my life. You could pretty much guess what happened then.
I awoke from my sudden coma in a room I had never seen before in my life. I sat up so I could get a good look around as I moved my azure blue mane out of my green eyes. It didn't look like a hospital room so I had to assume that it was my own room. It was a basic wooden interior with only a wood desk and a nightstand as the only furniture besides my bed. The blankets were a basic white with nothing else really interesting about them. On the side wall was an empty closet that looked like they were made from a different type of wood than anything else in the room. It was a very basic, old looking room.
I leaned forward and looked down at the blankets before smacking myself in frustration and then threw myself into my pillow.
"The one thing I didn't want was the draw attention to myself." I thought aloud in irritation with my new predicament, too angry with myself to keep it in my head. "Now the entirety of the town probably thinks there's something wrong with me! If I'm extremely lucky, they'll all want to "help me" and "talk to me" and want to "improve my life here". Best first impression evah!" I said in an irate sarcastic tone.
I was suddenly startled when I heard the door leading into the room suddenly open. I sat up and looked at the door and was left dumbstruck. In walked the most beautiful mare I had ever seen in my life. Her light rose mane bounced as she walked into the room, humming an incredibly peaceful and joyful tune with her eyes closed. Her creamy coat seemed to just glow with such shine I wasn't sure I could look at it straight on. I could feel my face start to heat up and the room seemed brighter and more pleasant as she continued to walk.
My fantasizing was brought to an abrupt end as she suddenly noticed I was awake. She started to stutter but I couldn't make any words and before I knew it, she was gone in a flash. It took me a few minutes before I noticed she had left a tray with a lid on it that I hadn't realized she brought in.
I got out of bed and walked over to it. I removed the lid to see a delicious looking grass sandwich and some fresh apple juice. I looked at the tray for so long as questions ran through my mind. But one stood out:
'Who was that mare?'
I saw your post in one of the groups in my notifications and decided to review it as asked. I hope you don't mind.I, to be honest, really enjoy this story so far. I especially like the way you captured the main characters personality. The details are quite interesting. I'm giving my completely honest opinion on this story. I do enjoy how this story starts, especially with Pinkie Pie throwing a major party for the main character, which is exactly what I would expect from her. Now, if I were to rate this story on a scale from one to ten. I give it a 9. I look forward to more. But of course, I don't want to rush. I hope I'm not bothering you, I just get carried away sometimes.
Promising stuff. If you can give this tale it's own unique flavour then I'll be a happy bunny.
You know, I have to admit I'm surprised. After writing a 1309 word critique of another story, I expected to be here all night pulling this one apart. Quite the contrary, I find this... largely flawless. Mind, that's not the same thing as perfect, but it's rather well polished.
So, what can you improve on? Personally, I feel that your language is kind of flat. One of a writer's most powerful tools is vocabulary, because the correct use of adjectives can paint a scene not just physically, but emotionally.
Let's take the example of his green and pleasant brown house. You could have chosen far more descriptive words for these, is it a soft evergreen? A lively viridian? Your adjectives should be targeted to give an emotional flavor to the scene. What would we feel, were we to be walking beside him? Think about which words call to mind the mood you wish to evoke.
The other point I'd like to make is that you could use a more engaging hook. Romance stories are charming, but right now you lack that little shred of bait that will draw the reader along. If you're planning to ship your OC with someone, put some hints who it is, and what we can expect to see. Does he fall for Fluttershy, and wrestle to win her heart past her shy facade? Does Twilight take his fancy, and drive him to finally publish a work that will grab the biblophile's eye? Give us a reason to tune in next week. Give us something other than the vague future of an OC we just met.
I hope that helps.
(P.S. If you're feeling adventurous, Sunset Shimmer is a hot property right now, and I think her bombastic attitude could make for a volatile ride.)
3440439
A very good review, Between. You hit all the points that needed to be hit. The main reason I didn't cover the points you hit is because I was more focused on get the story moving, than on making sure it stays that way. Between, is right, UnKnown. I was going easy on you for descriptive words, because you had good grammar, but you can't just go without good descriptive words an entire chapter.
I mostly agree with Between Lines, your story shows a fairly high degree of polish at the moment and is very sound grammatically and structurally at the moment, there are few places where I question your word choices, but otherwise I can't find fault with it. You do run into problems when it comes to expressing characters, projecting emotion to the reader, and maintaining my interest.
Since this is a story about an OC we need to get a real feel for who he is, what he looks like, and what drives him. You did touch on some of this, but I am left with almost no idea who this character is beyond a depressed git (and I mean that in the nicest way). You've mentioned he is a reclusive failed pegasus writer who has moved to Ponyville to try and gain inspiration and escape depression, and that's about all we have on him. We have no idea what type of writing he does (and this detail matters), why his writing failed (you mentioned critiques hated him but not why), or even any idea what he looks like. Not to mention that while you've mentioned him being depressed over being told he sucks at what he thought was his talent (something I can relate to strongly), he doesn't feel like he's all that depressed when reading the story, just a bit anti-social. You can fix this with by inserting internal dialog that shows him beating himself up, moping over the pointlessness of this later endeavor, or even questioning why he shouldn't just quit life.
Again I must agree with Between Lines that this story has no hook to speak of and does a very poor job of holding the reader's attention. I found my thoughts straying from the story before the first page scene break and had to force myself to focus and pay attention to your story. I think this is largely in part due to the fact that you made the mistake of making your character a victim and ending your first chapter where it should have begun. By starting with Playwrite being surprised to find a crowd of ponies in his new home and pulling out his character and story from there you would have a hook and be able to show us bits of his character as he struggles with the crowd and his social anxieties before showing him trying to overcome his fears around writing and general depression while also setting up the start of the story's main romance plot.
Your story certainly has potential to be good, you just need to focus more on showing us the character struggling to overcome his many handicaps and blossoming romance instead of wandering around town being a depressed fuck (again in the best way).
*Claps*
You did it! The chapter was awesome! A nice ending to introduce the Romeo and Juliet love interest, and the beginning to set the stage for what would come to be Playwright's new life. Good job man! The detail was better, visually, but I do want to see some more sensually (meaning the senses, because sensual seems to have another meaning...) pleasing aspects to the story. Otherwise, I enjoyed this chapter very much! My best wishes and regards to you, UnKnown, as you continue this story.
P.S. If you need help figuring out what I meant with improving your detail sensually, or help with how to do it, just P.M. me. I'm am sure you can do it on your own though.
Until Next Chapter,
-Anonymous Hornet
I overall liked this chapter, but the text is quite compact, more paragraphs would make it easier to read. The part about Playwright's first set of short stories being a bust was a stroke of genius, as most people here can relate to that fear
The story is very quick, quick is good, but this is just a teeeeeny tiiiny bit too quick, didn't really bother me much though the vocabulary is kind of flat though, but just replace some words with their fancy synonyms and you should be fine (Cheating, I know )
I'm looking forward to more
I second GottaLovePinkiePie with the paragraph thing. Also, the narrative is freaking fast paced lol. Put a brake there, will ya?
Also,
That's... kinda awkward, because you don't follow up with a pony talking to you. Instead, you talk as if you have birds eye view of the scene, which you shouldn't be doing in first person.
Try:
Or something along the lines of that.
Also, I sense your OC is violent, picky and impulsive, just by the actions of purchasing the house. Great. Not a good first impression there, mate.