The college life is what everypony dreamed of. After leaving for collage Moon Ray, a perfect unicorn, is ready to enjoy the life he never had. Friends, no rules, and a mare friend. In all his grade levels he was adored by every mare. He had never been rejected before but the old saying goes "there's a first time for everything." He is about to learn what rejection is going to feel like from a certain purple unicorn who didn't have time for anything.
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good introduction, you have all my attention
Great story so far
But you need to fix all the grammatic errors you have. Because it confuses you to the level where you don't trust a single word.
pony's have phones?
otherwise good story
Thanks guys
First off im sorry for the errors. The first chapter was typed on my iphone notes. I gave the ponies phones because in a couple other stories that were college based they had phones and alot of other human items.
So sorry if it seems strange but they do play an important part of the stroy if that helps at all 
I like the response so I will be typeing more of this story 
Thank you all for the feed back 
Go here to get an idea of what the main stallions look like
AWW!!! why is there only one chapter?!?!
so far this is awesome... I can't believe it only has one chapter
Cool!
So, does Moon Ray really know where his towel is?
Cool
Hey guys thanks for the comments
2296144 I fixed the sentence and I hope it didn't bother you to much. The towel thing you are going have to explain because I'm not to sure what you mean..... 
Beyond the fact that you should really try to have more of a build up to his feelings and some grammar and spelling issues this is pretty good.
I'm looking forwards to seeing what comes next.
2299007
he will have better feeling development in the next chapter. This chapter was suppose to represent a "love at first sight" kinda feel. 
thanks for the feedback 
Thanks
2298490 Just amusing myself… Prefect stallion / Ford Prefect
To the stallions it was a declration of war.
Declaration.
The chatter outside the class room grew as the mares were bringing up this mysterious uincorn.
Unicorn
This sent a chill down the stallions spines. "Why can't good looking mares fall for one of us?" on of the stallions asked.
I'm starting to think you're writting on a smartphone
2322671
The whole first chapter was typed on my iPhone notes. I'm sorry and I hope it didn't affect the way you see the story. I'm kind of limited on resources and the best thing I can type on is my iPhone 24/7. I try really hard not to, but sometimes it just has to happen. It's either type with iPhone or no new chapter for a while
2323062
The typing on an iPhone isn't your problem, it's not going back through with a computer that is causing the problem
If you don't have the reources to do that then you need to find a proofreader
which I might be able to help you with.
Respectfully,
CanoLathra
2325737
I might actually take you up on that
I will send you a message if I need help. 
2325850
I am currently proofreading for another writer, but he is somewhat of a slow writer, so I may be able to accept another project; if not, I can certainly find someone else.
A faithful proofreader,
CanoLathra
PS: if I do take the job, it might take some time to catch up. Good story and good luck.
Sparkel?
(At the end)
SO MUCH GUSTA!!!
them.
To bad the chapters are so short. Because I really
You have interested me.
ContinueActually, hold that. If you are going to actually be making a sex scene, one little piece of advice: Don't write it on an iPhone, or if you do READ IT OVER MULTIPLE TIMES. The story is good, but... it's difficult to read at times.
Prefect
Thank you so much everyone. I have a quick question. You anyone like to be a proof reader? I have one right now, but I would like at least 2 because I never know when someone is online or offline
2373584
First off, most proofreaders (myself included) prefer to at least start on the project before their name is mentioned, as it looks bad to be the proofreader of an error filled story.
Second, it is the author's call, but two proofreaders can be hard to manage, especially if they use different formats.
Other than that, great job. I will have the first chapter proofread ASAP.
Your faithful proofreader,
CanoLathra
2373584
PS: I am technically offline most of the time, but I do all of my work offline, so it doesn't matter. I still receive messages through my *android* tablet.
I empathise with you for using these tiny buttons, but my dislike of Apple cancels it out
2382472
Sorry about that. I just got a little antsy with this chapter. The next one will be sent to you and I will wait until I get a response.
Ok I finally read your story. You can stop bugging me about it now. Now for my actual thoughts. It's pretty good. Can't wait to see more, as for the future clop parts that you keep saying you're gonna do, I may or may not read them. Anyways, keep up the good work.
Good job on first clop scene. I only saw one problem: how do you wrap a hoof around something? Otherwise great chapter; hope to see more.
PS: FIRST COMMENT! (on this chapter
)
Who killed Moons dad? It was Rarity!! ... sorry, I was just reading that and I guess I'm still stuck in that mode. Anyways, good story. Didn't read the clop part, and definitely didn't expect a rape to happen. So, uh...yeah. Good job?
2461970
It happens in the show
2462211
I see. You're talking about the fetlock (horse version of ankle/wrist), not just the hoof. That makes more sense.
I probably would have favorited this by now if it didn't always catch me while I was in a fussy mood. But this time something is actually bothering me, I've seen the boyfriend/would be boyfriend saves girlfriend/would be girlfriend from attempted rape or rape in progress Rape as Drama trope too many times to have any other reaction than… derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTMvMDEvMjIvMDlfNTdfMTdfNjcwXzIyMDY1MV9fVU5PUFRfX3NhZmVfdHdpbGlnaHRfc3BhcmtsZV9lZGl0X2FsaWNvcm5fYWxpY29ybl90d2lsaWdodF9ub19pcm9ueV81MGZlNjI3YWE0YzcyZDZmZjQwMDAwNDUuanBnLmpwZyJdXQ/220651__safe_twilight-sparkle_edit_alicorn_princess-twilight_no.jpg.jpg
2465338
Sorry about that. Kinda watched a show before typing the end of that chapter and that was in the "thriller" of the episode. The guy rushes in and save the girl. It just gives the characters a special connection
When Acoustic was being raped:
alltheragefaces.com/img/faces/large/angry-y-u-no-l.png
Y U NO BITE OF THEIR DICKS SO THEY CANT RAPE ANYONE AGAIN!?!?!
2470267
Pleasure. She could barely control herself.
2474730
The rape scene was kind of a last minuet tune up..... But for the proof reader part. I would be glad to have you help
Well I skipped over the rape scene. So I'll just pretend I didn't and say, good job! As for the rest of the chapter...It was pretty good.
Ok. So I'm looking through various stories here on fimfic, and just as I think about this story I get an email notice saying that it has updated. Then I'm left with a cliff-hanger, the long period of silence is explained, and the author sets himself up for a bunch of interesting comments. Can anyone ask for more?
And as for "what's the worst that can happen?" Don't tempt fate. Though I guess the worst that could happen is that she dumps you, unless she's a homocidal bronyphobe, in which case telling her will be the last thing you do.
2678338
But thanks for the welcome 
I really hated not being able to type. I did read stories on my phone. I was still in touch with the community so I didn't go completely dark
I hope you enjoyed the new chapter 
Well that can be a story in its self.
Wild should get Moon and Shining to kick his dads ass.
That would be great. I demand bloodshed!! 
Also, you're welcome for Doctor Who. 
Loved the chapter but that cliff hanger...
But with the girl if she really does like you then she shouldn't care that you're a brony.
2687206 Yeah but remember we are both in high school. One whisper can send a good relationship crashing
Fingers are crossed 
Thank you for your support 
2681664 Im really glad you liked it
2680044
In due time my friend. In due time
NEW CHAPTER
2885205 You might want to refresh your page. I made on last change
I like the story so far it really has something to it...... Oh yeah thought!
Ugh, god above, this makes me want to vomit!