A talking rifle. Gameplay programmer and aspiring writer. Writes stories with whimsical humor, stories with looming conspiracies and HiE that pokes fun at his choice of school/study.
Ditzy Doo, the Queen of all Muffins, had always strived hard to protect her realm. When the Kingdom of Cupcakes invaded and threatened the peace and tranquility of the Great Queendom of Muffinland, Ditzy Doo shall rise and rid the world of the evil cupcakes! For Ditzy Doo! For Muffins! For Muffinland!
Inspired by the epic pony music of Muffinland by Carbon Maestro, from his album Pony Empires.
Muffin vector art done by maxmontezuma. Used with permission.
Page generated in 0.102 seconds
Total duration
946 users online
314,116 hits today, 2,244,100 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
For Muffinland!
Yay! New story!
A quick, fun read.
2369309
Glad you like it.
As soon as Pinkie came in, I was laughing out loud (or loling, if you prefer
)
2373204
Pinkie Pie, the King of Cupcakes and Zen Yoga.
I prefer muffins.
nice... like an episode of adventure tim.
This is great
This is Kalash93 from WRITE. I will soon read your story and write your review, as requested.
This is your review written by Kalash93, WRITE's sarcastic gunman.
Comedy isn't my forte. However, you said that you were looking for somebody to help you with the plot. So that it what I will do. I assume that you want to keep it a oneshot. Normally, I write the review in two phases, one where I compliment your successes and denote your weaknesses. However, I'm going to forgo that because I have a dual mission to both review and advise on plot.
Initial impressions were meh. I'm honestly struggling to figure out my feelings for this story because I don't know if I have any. A brief description for your story is: insubstantial. Everything's fine about it. It all just needs to be longer. The plot's fine, just make it you know, longer. It needs to be about twenty percent longer.
Your dialogue is short but effective. Everything necessary is communicated.effectively and smoothely. It's simple but functional. It's not bad, it's just that it's not good. You do a good job at telling the story with a high proportion of dialogue, which is something I must congratulate you for. You used a minimum of narration to support it. That might have been a flaw had you not been similarly laconic elsewhere.
None of the characters seem distorted at all. Everyone remains firmly within their canon, or at least fanon person personalities. Your characterization was strongest in your dialogue. However, all your canon characters are very flat. Ditzy is Derpy. With the exception of the amusingly bombastic Pinkie Pie, everyone else is rather boring. Your OC's seem to all be lacking in personality. I couldn't bring myself to care about them. I could not find any meaningful character differences between them. Your ability to characterize is just fine. It's just that you are being almost excessively laconic.
The narrative is much too rushed. While this creates the feeling of reading something rather like an episode of Spongebob Squarepants or Adventure Time, it is the single weakest part of your story.Nothing at all drags, but everything feels extremely rushed. I advise you to go back and spend at least two hundred words to develop and expand each scene. You hardly tell us anything about the setting or environments or what the characters look like. That really does a lot to weaken your story. It reduces immersion. You don't do anything to grab our attention or immerse us into the story. The atmosphere is lacking. Describing settings and environments, as well as using fitting diction can do a lot for that. Put effort and details into describing the environments. Tell us what characters hear. Tell us what they smell. What sort of colors do they see? All these sensory images are very effective for creatiing mood and atmosphere, which will suck your readers right in.
You have a contrived yet bearable plot. Considering that this is a very short comedy piece, I am willing to give you a lot of mercy here. The plot is the weakest point after your rush. Given that this is a random adventure story, it's okay to let it slide. Your plot has an okay concept to it. What it needs, however, is story immersion. There really isn't anything wrong with the plot. You can leave it nearly unchanged. I would like to see more reasoning why muffins and cupcakes can never be together? Why does the battle occur there? Go more into backstory. Explain why these things are happening at this time. Why does Pinkie Pie want to be friends? How is she different from Derpy? That would add appreciable depth to the plot. This world needs to be fleshed out and realized. Do some world building. Reference a great pastry council in 938. Drawing us into the setting, characters, and the world will dramatically improve your plot by giving it a rationale.
In terms of everything else, it's all quite bland. I certainly won't remember much. Nothing stands out as being either good or bad. It's just forgettable and definitely not your best work. Still, it's noticably better than a number of other flash fics that were created in a single fevered burst of inspiration. There is nothing really bad or ugly about it, so it gets a pass. Giving the story more depth,, slwoing down somewhat, and adding more atmosphere and tone would go a long way towards improving it. As a piece of mindless fun, it works.
You earn 5/10 flutteryays.That is a middling score perfectly balanced betweeen good and bad.
2458738
I was looking into expanding this, so this really helped a lot and thank you for the review!
I was going to throw in my two cents, but it looks like Kalash has already done that, and honestly i completely agree with him. Keep writing though, love to see if you've got any more equally amusing ideas.
-CC
This story has been reviewed by: The Equestrian Critics Society
Story title: Muffinland
Author: M1Garand8
Review by: Scramblers and Shadows
There are two ways this could go. If the bulk of the story is only a set up for the punchline, then it needs to be much smaller – though that would make for a rather terrible story overall. If it's meant to stand on its own merits, it should go a little slower, have more detail, and be longer. Muffinland is the sort of story that needs improvement across the board. In all areas it is sufficient, but at no point does it stand out. It is, I think, ultimately worth the reader's time.
Full Review
Final Score: 6.5/10
2643867
Thank for the review! I look forward to reworking this particular piece.
2471435
Sorry for the late reply but thanks. I do hope more funny ideas come.
I died.
My inner pedant has some grumblings but it's mostly drowned under how cute this was. Poor Derpy and her muffin surfeit.
4430733
5520595
Glad you guys enjoyed it. =x
I could make a "For the Muffinland" joke, but I don't know my memes very well, I wouldn't know if "For the Motherland" is stale or not.
In seriousness, this was a great story!
9103952
Thanks! :3
Edit: But the main inspiration came from Carbon Maestro's Pony Empires album. Muffinland in particular.