*Takes place a bit after Keep Calm and Flutter On*
After she had successfully reformed Discord, Fluttershy decides that he needs more friends to keep him better occupied, and also to make sure he stays good. Of course that friend would have to be as energetic as him, have at least a couple things in common as far as likes go, and be willing to take any and all craziness he's willing to dish out. Naturally, the first name to come to mind was Pinkie Pie.
At first, to Fluttershy, things seem to be going over quite smoothly. Pinkie Pie and Discord are getting along swimmingly; Pinkie Pie and Discord are at agreement's, and Pinkie Pie always seems to keep him in check, and best of all, all three form a strong friendship with each other.
However, before Fluttershy can go to any of her other friends about the good news, Fluttershy discovers a little secret between the two, that she now has to keep. That is, if she wants all of her friendships to stay afloat.
((Roughly based off of a continuing RP between myself and KiaraKovu123 as well as the cover image, which was the last panel of the beautiful DisPie comic drawn by rrred on DA... Seriously... Check her stuff out. It's simply gorgeous, darling!))
Hm... A story from a Role Play session.
I'm sure people will like it, the story is written ok so far.
But long summary is long. You gave away a lot of the basis of the story, something lot of people want to find out on their own. Some will not like it.
I know I didn't. Still, I did read the chapter.
I won't like or unlike this story yet.
2066212 I'm terrible with summeries...
But I'll be happy to fix that if you think it'll help.
2066219
Well, it's just one brony's opinion. As for creative criticism?
There's nothing to say, really. It's written well, the premise of the story is there without giving away too much, and character interaction is also done ok.
I could say other things, but I'd suggest you wait and see what others think. If I'm the only one that didn't like the summary- Please do me a favor and delete the comments. But if you do want a further opinion, you ask me in pm.
2066244Why thank you! It actually took me a while to figure out just what scenario to start off with. And I was extremely pleased with the results. I'm glad I got you stamp of approval!
You wouldn't mind posting the link to the comic would ya? and i like discopie that why i was hoping it would be pinkie who reformed him not fluttershy.
Wow, it's getting off to a really great start so far! (But I know how it's gonna be cuz we're the ones doing the rp!
)
NOPONY GETS SPOILERS!
Well this looks intresting. Don't dissappoint me.
The Apple Family is more than one person- use were. I'm at least 56% sure that when your naming a family the word "family" is also capitalized.
The sentence this is in is pretty unnecessary, and the word merchandise is plural.
No comma
Pegasi
I'd suggest you just revise this sentence, I have no idea if it's incorrect but it sounds awkward.
Family name, thus Cakes.
Party? Dance? Rage? or Partying? Dancing? Raging?
The quote I took doesn't show it very well, but it works better as run.
Hoping is to Hope as Hopping is to Hop. I suppose Pinkie could have hoped her way out of the bakery though.
Once again I'm only 56% sure about this, but the word after a triple period isn't capitalized. This is everything wrong I found, but I'm sure there's a bit more. You aren't doing a bad job at anything, and the grammar wasn't that bad except for the first few paragraphs.
2068630We barely even gotten to the point of spoilers.
I'm not sure yet if I like this or not. I do love me some Pinkie/Discord, especially if it's a secret romance, but as 2068930 pointed out, there are a lot of little things wrong with this (Though Equestrian Deadpool, I think it would be okay to capitalize after using elipses if the next word is meant to start a new sentence).
One of the things that was the biggest turnoff for me was Angel's "dialogue". I would have much rather seen descriptions of Angel miming to get his point across, as he tends to do than the constant "..." in place of actual dialogue.
In any case, I will keep an eye on this, just because it has my OTP in it.
2067885 Here ya go. However a bit of a warning to ya... It is DROWNING in feels... And that scene won't appear in this tale.
2069612 You are not the only one to complain about Angel's dialogue... But really how can I make a bunny mime and have a pony understand him WHEN HE'S ON TOP OF HER HEAD?! Sorry 'bout that. But most of the stories I've read were Angel, or Gummy for that matter, had "speaking" parts that's how it was done. But.... If it bothers people so much... I'll take that into consideration.
2068930 Hmm... Alrighty then... OFF I GO TO EDIT!!!
2069637
It would certainly add a lot and set your story apart if you figured out a way to convey Angel's "dialogue" differently from the norm!
Besides, Fluttershy may not be able to see him, but the reader can, you know? So it wouldn't be to Fluttershy's benefit that his actions would be described, but to ours.
This seems interesting, continue.
Oh my goodness! If this turns out like I hope it will you will have my third favorite shipping in here!!!!!!
dissypie
....Murphy, you've got another life to ruin.
Better written than your previous work. I love it a lot; I can really hear the voices of the characters in my head. Yay!
2139653 YES!!! I actually worked really hard on this one!I had to stall for time in several areas to make sure that everything sounded right, and in character.
HI. Its icey on dA xDD
THIS STORY :D I just made my account like yesterday x'D BUT ANYWAY :D Discopie fanfic is best fanfic c: :3
2139317 Indeed. I guess these ponies have never heard of the saying "If it can go wrong it will." It's basically a rule of the universe to never ask if things can get anyworse, it's just asking for trouble.
LOL the Dr. Whooves and His Assistant reference. xD
I like this so far! But JSYK you keep spelling ridiculous and ridicules.
im really liking this so far
I love it.
Can I please have some more.
:
XD
Put more. NOW.
Uh, please?
when do we get to the "profit" step?
2269216 PUT MORE!
that-that, is if it's okay with you...
Discord and pinkie pie bffs... Think of the chaos now.
U really need to post more than this
I have to admit, I am incredibly annoyed with how you have yet to update this story... If you need any idea's or help, let me know and I will help you to the best of my ability. I do not want to see this fanfiction die, the storyline of it is very interesting and I am intrigued by it as many others are.
7510422
Going through some old favorites of mine and scrolled down to see I had commented on this story previously. I don't think I worded that as politely as I should have. This is an interesting idea that I would very much like to see continued, however, seeing as you haven't been on in 2 years I'm going to assume won't be. I enjoyed reading the first two chapters and I appreciate you sharing them with us. I know that interests can fade and change but If my comments spanning through about 5 years haven't been proof enough... I'll likely be here if you do come back for whatever reason!
Aww man I wanted to see the action happen