Phase One: Aquire 1 Pinkie Pie
It was a busy day in Ponyville for everypony.
The Apple Family over at Sweet Apple Acres was all busy completing their chores for the day, getting prepared for the upcoming harvesting season. And all of what was harvested from other gardens was being sold in the town square, as well as other merchandise among the shops. Said merchandise was the lovely and beautifully crafted clothing being made and sold in Rarity’s boutique.
Even Twilight Sparkle and her dragon assistant Spike were busy this fine morning. Organizing, studying and helping any pony that cared to check out a book from the library. And once the ponies got the books they were looking for, it was back to organizing.
The pegasi as well were hard at work. Most of them were on the weather team, including Rainbow Dash, who was busying clearing the sky and maintaining it to make the day as beautiful as can be. And those who were NOT on the weather team were still hard at work with their other duties. Some would attend to their chores in their homes or out in the markets. Other would perform their more earthly jobs, such as the clumsy wall eyed mare-mail, though it was still a rare sight to see her lately. Most pony folks blamed it on the fact that she would often time go “vacationing,” as she would often claim, with the strange brown stallion.
However, it seemed that one pegasus in particular was busy in a very different way from the rest of the ponies. That pegasus was none other than Fluttershy.
Usually at this point in time of the day, Fluttershy would be busying herself trying to make sure every single one of her critter friends were all taken care of and well fed. Keep in mind, she was still a bit antsy about leaving her critter friends alone without checking up on them, but she was safe in mind that she had fed them all pretty well before departing. Not without unintentionally picking up a traveler along her way though.
“…”
“I know this is outside the norm Angel, but I can’t hold this thing off any longer.” Fluttershy said to her pet bunny, who had called shotgun in her soft pink mane.
“…”
“Now Angel, be reasonable…”
“…”
“That’s not very nice, Angel! Besides he’s good now.” Fluttershy tried to explain her need to go through with this plan.
“…” Angel “said” to her, crossing his paws across his chest in a pout.
“Oh, I thought I told you before Angel,” Fluttershy started, but upon seeing Angel’s unknowing glare, she finished off meekly, “Oh, but if you didn’t hear me the first time, I guess that’s alright.” She said, ducking her head down, folding her front hooves across each other in nervousness.
While she ducked down Angel hopped off to avoid spilling out.
“…!”
“I know you didn’t like him Angel, but he’s gone now and he won’t be troubling you anymore, okay?” Fluttershy said, bowing down to get to eye-level with Angel.
“…?” Angel questioned.
“I’m so sorry about that Angel. I just couldn’t risk getting on his bad side, and I didn’t like all the tricks he pulled either.” Fluttershy explained, hoping that the raise in her voice didn’t have any notable hint of bitterness in it.
“…?” Angel asked, hoping back up onto Fluttershy’s head when it looked like she was on the move again.
“To make sure he stays good: You wouldn’t want me to have to constantly watch over him, would you?” Fluttershy asked earnestly. The last thing Fluttershy wanted was to sound deceptive towards the little bunny, however, whether intentional or not, the message got through to Angel.
If there was one thing Angel hated more than having things go all out of order from what he liked, it was sharing. And there was no way in Tarturus that he would EVER share Fluttershy with that maniac again!
“…” Was all the bunny could muster in response for his agreement on his caretaker’s plan. Though whether he agreed upon it or not, Angel still pouted, and harrumphed at the idea stubbornly.
“Good boy Angel!” Was Fluttershy’s reaction upon her pet’s agreement; whether she got the stubbornness in his response or not was anypony’s guess.
Finally, Fluttershy managed to make it to her location in mind: Sugar Cube Corner.
The moment Fluttershy opened the door, and heard the little tingling of the bell, her senses were assaulted with the warm aroma of baked goods. There was the warm, rich, inviting smell of the cakes, the mouth watering scent of the cinnamon, and the sharp sweet aroma of the icing for any baked good that needed it. Fluttershy loved coming to the bakery just for the first strong smell of all the warm baked goods.
However, Fluttershy was here on a mission and she had best get cracking on it!
Trotting up to the counter, she hesitantly reached a hoof out to ring the bell there. She retracted her hoof immediately when the bell chimed, and she quickly hoped that she was bothering any pony in the bakery, especially not the foals upstairs.
Cupcake was quick to respond to the bell chime, and gave off a bright smile when she saw who the customer was.
“Oh, hello there Fluttershy,” She waved over to Fluttershy, walking up to the counter. “Op… And good afternoon to you too Angel.” Cupcake beamed at the scowling bunny.
“Oh, good afternoon, Mrs. Cake. I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything.” Fluttershy said in an equally friendly tone.
“Not at all deary! I was just finishing off icing the cinnamon buns. What can I do you for?” Cupcake asked sweetly.
“Oh… Uhm.. Well was actually wondering, if it’s not too much a bother… If you could tell me where Pinkie Pie is?” Fluttershy asked nervously, hoping that Mrs. Cake wouldn’t be too upset at her for not ordering anything.
“Well of course dear! Wait for just one second while I go fetch her… Oh Pinkie Pie!” Mrs. Cake called out, climbing up the stairs to where the Cakes and Pinkie Pie lived.
Not a moment later Pinkie Pie came bounding down the stairs in a hyperactive manner. No faster than when Pinkie Pie had landed on the final step did she spot Fluttershy and run as quickly as she could to give her a great big hug!
“Fluttershy! So good to see you today! So what’ya wanna do? Partying? Dancing? Raging?”
“Raging!?” Fluttershy said with a gasp.
“Raving, silly pony! Where on earth did you get raging?” Pinkie Pie asked while bursting into a fit of giggles.
“O-oh… heh heh.” Fluttershy chuckled nervously.
“A-actually Pinkie Pie I was hoping if maybe you could come with me to make friends with someone.” Fluttershy offered, hoping Pinkie didn’t catch that she didn’t say somepony. “I mean… If you not too busy that is.”
“Of course not! I always have time to make new friends! Come on Fluttershy, I wanna meet this new pony you’re talking ‘bout!” Pinkie Pie said hopping her way out of the bakery, a tentative Fluttershy following suit who was silently debating over whether or not she should correct her hyperactive friend. Of course it didn’t help that Angel kept stomping his foot on her head in silent warning that her plan may just very well fail.
“Oh stop that Angel! We can’t know for certain unless we try.” Fluttershy said which caused Angel to cross his front paws across his chest in annoyance. It was bad enough that she would use that phrase on him when he wouldn’t try a food that he disliked(admittedly he never ate the food in the first place(and much to his shame he actually ended up liking it, but would never admit it to Fluttershy)), but to use it in context of this whole idiotic idea? It nearly drove the bunny to a fit.
“So, where’re we headed to?” Pinkie Pie asked, after she momentarily stopped bouncing to allow her shy friend to catch up.
“Oh, th-that one spot on the hill at the edge of town actually.” Fluttershy said meekly, rubbing the back of her neck with her hoof, careful to avoid Angel, and blushing slightly.
“Hmmm. Seems pretty secluded for meeting a new friend.” Pinkie Pie observed, rubbing her chin in thought. Just who could this mysterious pony be that Fluttershy wanted to make friends with her?
“Yes… Uhm… Well… H-h-he’s sort of… Uhmm…” Fluttershy stammered, hoping to stall for time.
“He?” Pinkie Pie asked, hoping to get this one clue to help put pieces of this mystery together, like Twilight taught her.
“”Uhmmm… Yes?” She smiled wide and nervously; Angel presumed to smack her head lightly at her little slip up.
“Oh… Now I get it!” Pinkie Pie said happily.
“You do?!” Fluttershy exclaimed, hoping that her plan wasn’t ruined; Angel smacked her again.
“Of course silly! Whoever this male you want me to make friends with is, is too shy to make friends easily, so you chose a secluded place, away from the public eye, and an easily get-alongiest-mare to help overcome his shyness and make friends!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, excited that she solved that piece of the puzzle, now to solve who this stallion is.
“Uhmm…” Fluttershy started again, debating whether or not to correct her or not. Pinkie Pie managed to get the “out of the public’s eye reach” part down pat, but not for the reason she thought.
“Well come on silly! Let’s go!” Pinkie Pie said, starting to bounce away again.
“Y-y-yes… L-l-le-let’s. Heh heh…” Fluttershy nervously stammered, leading the way for Pinkie Pie’s hops.
“…” Angel warned.
“I know I have to tell her at some point but…” Fluttershy whispered back.
“…!”
“I know, I know… But wouldn’t it be easier if she found out herself?” Fluttershy quietly asked.
“…?”
“Well… I mean… I guess it would ensure an easier yes from her. And... I really need her to do this.” Fluttershy explained.
“…” And with that statement alone, Angel set Fluttershy more on edge than she already did.
After that, the two pink maned mares trotted/bounced silently the rest of the way, if one excluded Pinkie Pie’s whistling. However Pinkie Pie suddenly stopped both her cheery little tune and her bouncing once she saw a familiar shape in the background of where they were headed.
“Pinkie Pie?” Fluttershy asked, turning her head back to her hyperactive friend upon noticing the sudden absence of noise coming from behind her.
“Uhh… Fluttershy… Is that who I think it is?” Pinkie Pie asked, pointing a hoof out to the figure, who didn’t seem to take notice of them… Yet.
Fluttershy just sighed, knowing that now was a good as time as any to come clean.
“Yes Pinkie Pie… that’s Discord.”
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Hm... A story from a Role Play session.
I'm sure people will like it, the story is written ok so far.
But long summary is long. You gave away a lot of the basis of the story, something lot of people want to find out on their own. Some will not like it.
I know I didn't. Still, I did read the chapter.
I won't like or unlike this story yet.
2066212 I'm terrible with summeries...
But I'll be happy to fix that if you think it'll help.
2066219
Well, it's just one brony's opinion. As for creative criticism?
There's nothing to say, really. It's written well, the premise of the story is there without giving away too much, and character interaction is also done ok.
I could say other things, but I'd suggest you wait and see what others think. If I'm the only one that didn't like the summary- Please do me a favor and delete the comments. But if you do want a further opinion, you ask me in pm.
2066244Why thank you! It actually took me a while to figure out just what scenario to start off with. And I was extremely pleased with the results. I'm glad I got you stamp of approval!
You wouldn't mind posting the link to the comic would ya? and i like discopie that why i was hoping it would be pinkie who reformed him not fluttershy.
Wow, it's getting off to a really great start so far! (But I know how it's gonna be cuz we're the ones doing the rp!
)
NOPONY GETS SPOILERS!
Well this looks intresting. Don't dissappoint me.
The Apple Family is more than one person- use were. I'm at least 56% sure that when your naming a family the word "family" is also capitalized.
The sentence this is in is pretty unnecessary, and the word merchandise is plural.
No comma
Pegasi
I'd suggest you just revise this sentence, I have no idea if it's incorrect but it sounds awkward.
Family name, thus Cakes.
Party? Dance? Rage? or Partying? Dancing? Raging?
The quote I took doesn't show it very well, but it works better as run.
Hoping is to Hope as Hopping is to Hop. I suppose Pinkie could have hoped her way out of the bakery though.
Once again I'm only 56% sure about this, but the word after a triple period isn't capitalized. This is everything wrong I found, but I'm sure there's a bit more. You aren't doing a bad job at anything, and the grammar wasn't that bad except for the first few paragraphs.
2068630We barely even gotten to the point of spoilers.
I'm not sure yet if I like this or not. I do love me some Pinkie/Discord, especially if it's a secret romance, but as 2068930 pointed out, there are a lot of little things wrong with this (Though Equestrian Deadpool, I think it would be okay to capitalize after using elipses if the next word is meant to start a new sentence).
One of the things that was the biggest turnoff for me was Angel's "dialogue". I would have much rather seen descriptions of Angel miming to get his point across, as he tends to do than the constant "..." in place of actual dialogue.
In any case, I will keep an eye on this, just because it has my OTP in it.
2067885 Here ya go. However a bit of a warning to ya... It is DROWNING in feels... And that scene won't appear in this tale.
2069612 You are not the only one to complain about Angel's dialogue... But really how can I make a bunny mime and have a pony understand him WHEN HE'S ON TOP OF HER HEAD?! Sorry 'bout that. But most of the stories I've read were Angel, or Gummy for that matter, had "speaking" parts that's how it was done. But.... If it bothers people so much... I'll take that into consideration.
2068930 Hmm... Alrighty then... OFF I GO TO EDIT!!!
2069637
It would certainly add a lot and set your story apart if you figured out a way to convey Angel's "dialogue" differently from the norm!
Besides, Fluttershy may not be able to see him, but the reader can, you know? So it wouldn't be to Fluttershy's benefit that his actions would be described, but to ours.
This seems interesting, continue.
Oh my goodness! If this turns out like I hope it will you will have my third favorite shipping in here!!!!!!
dissypie