TPOT for short. Uhh... What do normal people put in here?
After Doug and Kevin go on a day hike, they take a small fall and realize they're not in a Mississippi forest anymore. Follow the adventures of two boys from good ol' Mississippi experience the wonders of Equestria.
-More character tags will be added as the story progresses-
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Punctuation errors, punctuation errors everywhere, and... well, first or late someone will say at you that your character is a Mary Sue, and this isn't an appreciation (http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/mary-sue here for info)
Btw, ze looks good, fix that errors and it's fine, and... next time try to disguise it more and do it in third person, because usually in first person isn't that easy to do.
Check out mine if you wish: i doesen't have great grammar, but storywise ( and write wise ) is basically what do you need .
Even the title has a typo in it......This does not bode well.
Timberwolves are apparently the new manticore.
You spell Rainbow Dash correctly and then at the beginning you mash it into one word. Fix that.
Either only give us military time or standard time, not both.
The aside about MRE's is pointless.
Rainbow Dash is severely out of character. She wouldn't run away, especially not when she'd leave Fluttershy. She is the Element of Loyalty after all.
Either cuss or don't. Starring out the swear is amateurish.
The aside about YES YOUR NAME IS DOUG is also pointless. There is no one else in the scene aside from Kevin. We can tell.
The aside about you not being gay is also entirely pointless.
And fix that title. I was expecting gold panning and got nothing of the sort.
All in all you've made a dull, forgettable HiE fic. Like all the other HiE fics.
(´･ω･`)
Unless this is '49 and "Story" is an old Chinese word for "Gold," I'd say that the title has a typo.
Okay, let's look over this mangled body of a story.
For starters, the first thing that caught my attention was the constant use of author's notes scattered around the story, whether defining "MRE" or separating the 24-hour clock from the 12-hour clock as if we're fucking dumbasses. I mean, sure, not everyone notices it...but do you have to make it so important that it needs to be put in to break the consistency of the story?
Swearing, while you might think it adds "suspense" or "emphasis" to dialogue, you truly must realize that it just makes you look like an annoying twelve-year-old, no offense if you are of that age, that feels like it makes them cooler.
Trust me, I walked down that path and it didn't go well. I mean, certainly an occasional "hell" or "damn" is all right, but its output ratio shouldn't be too close. I have two crossovers that use such language, one based off of Metroid and one based off of Red Dead Redemption. A game like RDR, like any Rockstar game, has some swearing in it, the official manga of Metroid (This should be an English dub, as the original was in Japanese) contains a fair amount of swearing between the character I use, Ridley. Also, either use the full word or just use asterisks (The *'s) for everything, it looks pointless.
Your use of onomatopoeia disgusts me. Don't use aforementioned symbol, italics usually emphasize it better. Example:
Bad: He sweated as he diffused the bomb, he cut the wrong wire, and it made a loud *boom!*.
Good (At least for my standards): A bead of sweat found its way down his cheek as he squatted over the device. Shakily-though-precisely moving the wire-cutters over, he began to check the varying blues, greens and reds. He snipped the red wire.
A few turned around as they heard a loud HRAAACKOOOM!
Also, don't paint the one thing that annoying middle-schoolers usually denoted the fandom as, I know what that's like, but pointing it is unnecessary.
Grammar and spelling I can't really help you out, there, just pay attention in English, 'kay? Also, though making it vague, please explain what the Boy Scouts are, as not everyone here is from the United States of America, some are from Britain and other countries and may not be aware of it.
River pointed this out, too. Rainbow Dash is very out-of character, she is very stubborn, and cocky in the sense that she doesn't back down from anything. Also, she would never abandon Flutters or anypony in that matter, as she represents the Element of Loyalty.
This makes me want to wound you with something very blunt, covered in human fecal matter and lit on fire. Going back to onomatopoeia, this needs to be completely reworked, here's how you would fix it:
Now, ain't that just great? A little bit of effort can go a long, long way.
Now, there's more errors, but if I were to give this a straightforward rating, I'd probably give it a maximum of 3.5/10.
In other words, you need some help, boy.
2008879>>2008575>>2008682Thank you the criticism is much appreciated. I know it sucks, I just wrote it without any planning... Oh well... Grammar was never my strong point.
To be honest I wasn't expecting to story to get this many views already, so I'm just happy its seen. 
But again, thanks for the criticism.
over reaction to cupcakes
2077008Meh, thats how I'd react if there was a possible psycho killer looking me in the face...
2077019 there aint no other way to react
This gave me a grin like This
as i was reading good show
Well, I think I'd like to know where this ends up!
Please do continue, you've held my attention so far!
Showing them something Cupcakes related? "Pinkie's faith in this fanfic have returned."
I already knew not to read "Cupcakes" from what I've heard about it: i.e. it's a nightmare inducer.
Well, now that I know what it's actually about, I have yet another excuse not to read it.
screw the Joker. Doug probably gave a smile that would rival Lyra Heartstrings.
tell me they didn't
2335915 They did, isn't it great?
short
Way to put your foot in it just tick her right off im glad he didn't show tbem cupcakes that would have been really bad lol
dont blamehim! blame the interwebz.
a very informal story
Rushed pace.
2464994 Thats just how I write.
lol ok where we at luna
2540098 Cliffhanger!
2540120 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
hehehe. comedy time!
2540131
hmm my estimate would be in a prison cell on Alcatraz Island. then again i'm just wildly guessing this.
then again in my insomnia induced craze i some how guessed a plot segment of the author's next chapter
2540925D'OH wth that be true
2540925 Hmmm... Interesting idea...
I might use that in a later chapter...
Ok dude got some strange dreams zombies omg luna gonna freak can't wait to see Kevin dreams
seems like they are sharing the dream.
what next? they will fall into celestia's dream and she will be swimming in a pool full of cake?
2580333 ...Are you inside my head or something? Or am I just that transparent of a writer? Seriously part of that was what I was planning!
2582137
If i say your going to eat pancakes would i be right?
2582244 No...
2583621
ok then i'm not in your head, that's good to know!
You're telling me I didn't follow this? Oops. Looks like I have 5 chapters to catch up on
My reaction to Doug's behavior: Deadpan. Very deadpan
Oh gosh what's wrong with the apartments?
um.. wait.. hes how old and he broke a spear over his knee?
spear if made from wood, are usually not that flimsy, they would snap in to pieces upon the first kill if they were.
the pole of the spear would likely be made of of iron or gold considering this is Celestia.
don't mean to poke holes here, espeshily since i get so much entertainment from this story but....
I find it very unrealistic a a kid his age could break a spear in 2. I see the scenario of him trying and hurting himself causing the guard to burst into laughter, more plausible.
2816052 All will be explained in due time... Glad you saw that though! (Its not metal)
I feel lonely until someone else coments
not bad! i can't wait to see everypony's reactions. Especially blueblood's and shinning's and cadence's when the humans make a gala entrance. Well, assuming you decide to make them show up. 50 bits says they crash the party more epicly (is that a word?) than the mane 6 did!
2944430 Challenge accepted.
I think you forgot a space there.
Do you mean 'they thought it would be funny.' ?
I noticed those two mistakes and thought I'd comment on it.
Great chapter, as always.
Ancient alicorn princess watches you in your sleep!
3015509 Thanks. How'd I miss that?
3015601 Luna's a stalker.
Um, not sure if intentional but do you mean 'may as' instead of 'mayas'?
You also accidentally said 'nit' and forgot to capitalize the beginning of the second sentence.
'It took him a second but he realized he was looking through Luna's eyes!'
My editor training is coming in handy, I found a few mistakes. Great chapter by the way, gotta love sibling rivalry.
3300993 How'd I miss that.
Thanks for pointing these out. I feel like a dumkomf for missing these. I guess that's what I get for writing between 11 and 1 in the morning.
I really need to fix my sleeping schedule.
3301537 Psh, I wrote the next two chapters of Boredom is Chaotic the other night between 11-10 when I was talking to you, I'm pretty sure they turned out okay. Or good enough anyway. Maybe a little too fast paced, but I sent you a google doc link in case you want to comment if it seems off.
I'm sure I still have a lot of mistakes in my unedited chapters, for some reason it's hard for me to find mistakes in my own writing yet it's easy finding them in other peoples writing.
3302220 That's the one of the curses of writing; you can't spot your own mistakes but the entirety world can shove them right back in your face.