Not a very clever writer. I like pie... I think that's it
While researching the properties of light, Twilight realizes that she might be able to unlock the secrets of invisibility. However, being invisible has its consequences. She will soon learn that losing the ability to see oneself is a great way to lose one's mind.
(a loose adaptation of The Invisible Man by H.G. Wells)
~~~
my first published story, so feel free to tear it apart.
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“Just think of the possibilities”
Huh, thats exactly what I said when I discovered my invisibility augmentation.
Sorry, back to the story, keep up the good work, that quote also applies to this story too so be creative in what you might think twlight would do. Mainly have fun with this and you might go far.
P.s: needs funny moments in later chapters
I'm keeping an eye on you.
"I'm the invisible man,
I'm the invisible man,
Incredible how you can
see right through me!"
Freddy Mercury would be proud.
... "lose" one's mind.
Just thought I'd randomly leave a bunch of feedback. I don't claim to be great or perfect or anything, and I'm tossing out a thumbs-up for putting up with this, so don't be offended!
1. "Loose" adaptation is right, but "loosing" and "loose your mind" should be "losing" and "lose your mind"
2. Twilight was up late, as usual, studying, as was also usual for her. Having "usual" in here twice is a bit repetitive; rephrasing it to something like "Twilight was in her library, studying dusty old tomes late into the night as was usual for a student like her" or anything to give a different emphasis to it would be helpful
3. she was unsure as to why. The "as to" is needless filler. "She was unsure why" rolls out a little sharper
4. Needless to say, it was not thoughts of owning pets that were filling her mind on this particular night. But you were just writing about how she was thinking about ownership. I get what you're aiming for; maybe you meant something like "Shrugging those thoughts aside, she turned her mind towards her most recent research. --- blah blah lights etc."
5. her number one fan and her two friends - In the first her, you're referencing Dash, but in the second one, you're referencing Scoots. Needs rephrasing to be clearer.
6. I like your implication that Dash moved from adventure books to reading science ones
7. buffeted - I think you mean buffed, although I feel like there's a closer technical term for it. Buffeted is to violently strike!
8. I like your idea that Rarity + Gems would = Good with lenses
9. All these things seemed to add up to one thing - add up to one conclusion
10. And so, that’s what she continued to do for several days and nights - Don't start with and! "For several days and nights, Twilight threw the full force of her studious mind into learning the properties of light" etc. etc.
G'luck, and may the thumbs be ever in your favor
This, as my favorite unicorn might have said, is relevant to my interests. (More than I perhaps ought to admit, in fact.) If there are to be mysterious hoofprints in the snow, I will happily follow.
2005080
Thanks for the Feedback. I'll look into fixing some of those things when I have more time later today.
2005015
I'll try my best. I do not have that much experience with writing comedy, but I have some ideas on who you might call to track down something invisible and what that might lead to
2005030
Wow! haven't heard that song in ages. Now I have the beginnings of a playlist to get me motivated.
2007824
I'd say you just had a miniature "Breakthru"
Queen never fails to get someone up and goin'
2007824
Who you gona call? GhostBusters! XD
Cephalopod-spell... Such a nice ring to that, don't you think?
Keep this up, your attracting good attention.
"Her celebration would not last long. She saw the corner of her bed; what she did not see was her shin: pain ensued."
i.qkme.me/3spr57.jpg
One does not simply avoid committing crimes when invisible.
For science of course.
Oh jeez twilight. Lets hope u don't become psycho
dun dun duuuuuuuun
... what?
I mean, come on. She's just invisible. At least Kira had a Death Note.
Thatsssss a very nice dress you have there, it would be a sssshame if anything happened to it. ssssssss.
First signs of creeping dementia, right on schedule.
Interesting fanfic. Twilight is truly losing it there. I wonder how it will go next. Keep up the good work.
2395772
Thanks.
Also, just noticed that you hold the 42nd Fav.... Lucky
Good chapter again! I'm really curious to see how the whole ordeal will end.
Love it!
I hope this isn't going to become Hollowmare.
Uh oh...
Ooo...
Pfft.
^_^
Twilight, I am disappointed. The rest of this is to be expected, but using "you're" instead of "your"? Inexcusable!
2546503
She totally meant to do that... yea... It was meant to be an example as to why you should never attempt to proof-read after only 3 hours of sleep. (that makes sense, right?)
In all seriousness:
Thanks for the heads up. It's fixed now. If you or anyone spots any other grammar or spelling issues, don't be afraid to let me know.
2538970>>2544681
Glad you liked it.
~~~
Any and all criticisms and critiques are welcomed. This is probably the first story (other than school assignments) that I have actually finished. "Yay!" for accomplishments.
Pretty interesting stuff so far. There were a few things I noticed that I wanted to bring up:
* Watch your colon/semicolon usage. You seem to particularly like the former, and in most instances a simple comma would suffice.
* There were a few typos (tong instead of tongue, thieve instead of thief).
* Why would Twilight be banging her shins on things? The running gag is decent enough, but ponies (and people) don't necessarily look at their own legs when walking around, do they?
* You don't have to reference episodes or memes in your writing to get your points across. I hope the cupcakes thing was coincidental, but the larger point is the "remember when [episode plot point] happened?" device. Some of them make sense for the characters to easily recall, others not so much. Use discretion here.
Overall, though, it's a neat little tale, and decently-written. I like Pinkie's ghost-hunting tool of choice, and that the CMC are getting involved in some ghost-busting. Keep it up!
Eh... Not sure if the Invisible Man is coming in at this point, but Twilight suddenly becoming "dark" and obsessed with "cleansing" Ponyville and taking it over really doesn't do it for me. Can't finish it anymore.
I want my library next to Starswirl's library!
October, oh October... why must you deny me of key lime pie!
2016079
...good job.
Dang. You predicted Season 7 Pinkie's abuse of silly string!
Which will mess with Twilight since she's invisible.
Master My Pet! Somebody robbed the bank!
"I told you to call me 'Master'."
You should've been more clear. Wait. Why am I your pet?
"Pets are cute."
B-Baka!
This is like Death Note meets the Hallow Man... except nobody dies.
8474847 Was that comment really from 4 years ago? Wow time really does fly.
You even predicted an equal society in MLP. Dang. You have a good mind for this story! If I wasn't lazy I might read your other stories.
I know I did some crazy stuff... but can you change this spell name? It has its own story arc that needs to end... and this might be it.
8475511
Eeyup! And I completed this story in one day.
Things are heating up.