errant
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Yes. All of my yes. Clop side-stories are best side stories in the history of ever! And the Incomplete tag makes it all even better
Noticed your story, remembered your name from your thread on the clopfics group.
Good job!
I think if anything else I'd like to see out of this is not your characters reveling in the sheer physical pleasure of lovemaking but the sensual satisfaction as well. Try to get inside their minds. Try to play to their desires and actually use sex as a means of bringing them closer; and not just physically.
Octavia mentioned it's her first time, but I never saw inside her head and got an introspective of what that was like for her. Stuff like that. But it was nice. The descriptions were definitely on-par, though I personally usually like to see more detail. Not sure if that's what everyone wants though, and I'm not sure if you had a whole lot to work with.
That picture is just bloody adorable
I was honestly expecting this to be titled something related to the first story...
Something like "Vinyl gets a splinter".
Well, might as well give it a whirl!
… "I-I’m sure. I” – There’s two spaces between the period and ‘I’.
… “ability to breath” – ‘breath’ should be ‘breathe’.
… “back arced” – Seeing as how this is describing the state of her spine in this case, you actually mean to say ‘arched’, rather than ‘arced’.
… “I told you’d I’d” – ‘you’d’ shouldn’t be past tense, so just keep it as ‘you’.
Aaaand that’s all I found. Let’s see, what to say, what to say… Well, I read the message about it being one of the projects you’ll be putting the least priority into. I feel upset about that, but I put it into perspective that you’ll still be giving it your all in terms of how well-written it will be.
With that in mind, I feel the need to say that the story seemed a bit… distorted. Octavia seems way too comfortable with whatever Vinyl’s doing during the scene, considering how at this point, it’s still early in their relationship. Yeah, they’d been together for quite a few chapters, but still, what happened earlier, at this point? Well, Vinyl came to Octavia’s aid after an altercation at the club, and it would have been nice for Octavia to at least acknowledge that at the start.
This feels detached. Yeah, maybe that’s alright for some, but for me, I was kind’ve hoping for this to legitimately feel like I could go from this to Accidental Harmony and have it feel like a smooth transition. Yet even the note it ends on is rather sudden, if not humorous.
The biggest problem, though, is just how detached it is. Even if it’s a series of clop scenes, it shouldn’t ‘feel’ that way, considering how fantastic Accidental Harmony is. They should be able to compliment one another.
Hm… I suppose it’s too early for me to pass judgment on this, especially considering how much I was anticipating the emotion and effort and character that you’d be putting into this.
O-Or at least, that which I was… erm… e-expecting to see being put in… it…
Oh my
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It's incomplete in the sense that there a few places in Accidental Harmony where there should be clop. I intend to fill those holes (no pun intended).
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Thank for the advice. You have an extremely valid point and I'll try to integrate in the future.
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First of all, thanks for continuing the detailed feedback! I believe you're observations are correct about this lacking something of emotion and intimacy, To put things in perspective, this is the first piece of sexually explicit material I've written and I didn't quite have a handle on it. With what I've figured out I fully expect that future chapters should be improved over this one, and I am likely to revise this one at some point.
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Aww yeeah!
I read Accidental Harmony quite some time ago and this is a lovely, and also sexy, way of enjoying that wonderful story some more. Please, feel free to fill those holes quickly.........
About midway through, I laughed, because I realized I was listening to a song called Octavias Delight, by DJ PON-3
2722807 excellent song choice
I'm enjoying Accidental Harmony so far, but I can't help but to feel this side-chapter wasn't up to par. I like clop, and romance, but this was too sudden, detached, and rather emotionless. I know it was your first time writing clop, so hopefully if you continue to try your hand writing it, it'll progressively get better.
<teh feels(Yes, 'teh')! The whole scene really was too sudden though. It would've been nice to get some introspection on Octavia and Vinyl. Something to prove they felt like more than friends towards each other. And I think holding off on this clop scene for a chapter or two longer would've made more sense. Give them some time to solidify their relationship and realise that they're ready for intimacy.
You did something many writers do when creating romance stories; go straight to the clop with little to no elaboration on
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You are absolutely correct that this chapter was awful, and that's me saying that
. There's a reason it's on hiatus and I haven't touched it since that chapter. The only reason I didn't yank it down is because I still want to fix it once I have a better idea of how to go about it.
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If you're still having trouble deciding how to go about it, you should get the opinion of someone in a writers or editors group. I'm sure they'll be able to lend you a hand and tidy this up into something everyone can enjoy. Well, at least everyone that likes F/F clop anyways.
Awful? I dunno about that.
I'm no connoisseur of clop or anything, I'm not even "into" it to begin with. I'm not sexually interested in them, at any rate. I do enjoy seeing the sexual aspects of their personalities and relationships, however--if that makes sense.
That said, yes, there's not a large, concentrated focus on their emotional connection, but it is sprinkled throughout; it's always there. Seemed perfectly plausible to me. Besides, of course, how it may sound as if their romantic relationship is already established, they way they talk to each other. But I'm more inclined to rest that blame on how them getting together in chapter 6 felt sudden and insufficiently built-up beforehand.
Plus, you didn't explicitly describe or state the bodyparts given attention more than a few times. 'Tis a good thing in my book, as I can better enjoy the exploration of this side of the characters' relationship without the... distraction.
Again, I can't exactly be described as a clopper, but that's my two cents.
"Sanctuary" By Utada Hikaru started playing right as Vinyl nipped tavi's ear, and finished just as I finished the chapter... epic coincidence, or destiny?
YOU DECIDE!
Also, far as clop goes, this is pretty good. And because I'm terrible at writing comments, im not going to explain.
BAI!