In the land of Equestria long before Twilight or any of her friends were born the kingdom was ruled not by the alicorn sisters but by a king. King Sleigh instead of ruling with harmony rules with the absolute certainty that the unicorn race is far superior than the pegasi or earth ponies. Those born without the gift of magic seen as something inferior and not to be cared for except as labor.
But how long can a kingdom of hate and fear survive? Cities are rising up against their oppressor and in the midst of it all strange rumors are circulating of the two responsible for this. Rumors speaking of them possessing both horn and wings.
Chapters (1)
King Sleigh confirmed for Santa-Hitler
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Eat lead, non-fascist civilians
Awwww..... missed my chance at first post.
But at least the fic was rly good!
Review brought to you by Authors Helping Authors.
Grammar out of 10 - 8. Generally quite good, a few simple mistakes repeated throughout.
Pros
1. Very moody piece
2. Character for Sleigh is quite believable
3. Very detailed and pacing feels good.
Cons
1. Very Dialogue heavy - some scenes drag on due to overly long conversations
2. You tend to overuse the semi colon (;) when a fullstop or comma would suffice.
3. The guards reaction to Sleigh's death seemed a bit bland
Detailed Notes
Overall I liked this fic very much. You had a clear plot piece that you wanted to show and you followed through on it. Sleigh's character of extreme xeno intolerance shined through clearly - concept that the Unicorns are the master race has even showed up a few times in the actual show but you took it to a new level.
I felt that this fic was fairly dialogue heavy and lacked much in the way of actual action. While this meant that you were able to include a very large amount of exposition, it did hinder the progression of the story at times when you had characters explaining something when you could have had them doing the same thing. Have Sleigh show his hatred for Earths and Pegasi through his actions more than his words.
The overabundance of dialogue meant however that you were able to layer this fic with a huge amount of character detail. The personalities for almost all the major characters were able to be seen through their words.
One thing I found hard to accept was the almost casual way in which the guards reacted to the death of the king. If the king had just been found dead, then the last pony to see him alive would be the prime suspect and should be detained and interrogated at once. Neither guard seemed all that concerned about questioning Luna.
Moving on to the grammar of the story, it was mostly good throughout. You used paragraphing and indenting well to keep the story readable and easy to track.
A repeated grammar mistake I found was the use of full stop at the end of conversations that include a 'Quill said' or 'Sleigh replied' style suffix.
This type of conversation should end with a comma rather than a full stop to indicate the linked dialogue and descriptor.
E.G.
Should be
You do use the correct comma a few times through out, so it is just a matter of double checking.
Additionally you seem to like to use the semi colon in places that it may not be the best choice.
Most of the instances of ; in this paragraph do not require it, when a comma or fullstop would be a better choice.
If you found any part of this review helpful them please be kind enough to take a look at any one of my own submitted fics - Interview with the Changeling, Trixie - Saviour of all Equestria, or Sweetie Belle vs. A Lemon
Finished making my review for this at TECS, and I have to say you did quite well. Gave you an deserving upvote, and in all honesty, I don't think it deserves that smidgeon of red there
This story has been reviewed by The Equestrian Critic Society.
Story Title: The Beginning of an Era
Author: Befram
Reviewed By: Blankscape
Overall, it’s an excellent piece of fan-fiction that delivers what its tag promises and fulfills its niche potential. Befram’s unique take on Equestria’s reformation and, to a lesser extent, the Everfree’s origins will no doubt satisfy those who are intrigued by it. A great pleasure to read with so very few outstanding flaws about it, this suspenseful tale of a political strife, well-intended usurpation, and transcendence of tribal difference is definitely a league over most short stories.
Full Review
Score: 9/10