Helping a Friend Out

Party Poison #1 · Dec 31st, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Well, tumbleweed, this was sure confusing. I'm not entirely sure if I was pleased to find this one my terminal. I've got some other things to go check out now...

Brony-wan-kenobi

Brony-wan-kenobi #2 · Dec 31st, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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Ok, went a little too fast for my tastes. But all in all it is a good idea. First one is always the hardest

Xevion21

Xevion21 #3 · Dec 31st, 2012 · 1 · · Chapter 1 ·

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So far it isn't bad for a first time writing one of these types of stories. I don't have much experience in the pony field for this so I can't offer much in the form of help dealing with ponies. Now if it was dragons I could be more helpful lol. Try to make the intimate parts a little less rushed. It almost seemed like you were uncomfortable writing one of *those* scenes at times, course I could be wrong there. If that is the case take your time to get used to the idea. My first one of *those* scenes was far worse. It get's easier as you go. Keep it up, I wanna see you improve in this field, so I am gonna follow. That, and the whole Twilight/Big Mac thing is something I don't see too much. :D

GloomyFace

GloomyFace #4 · Dec 31st, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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It seems to me that the first scene and a part of the erotic scene is copied from some other story They seem awfully similar to something I have read before.

Claudia Books

Claudia Books #5 · Dec 31st, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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Hmmm, cool... I look forward to the next chapters

DeeMinor

DeeMinor #6 · Jan 1st, 2013 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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It has a good, solid foundation. I haven't written any fics here, but I have many fics on other sites for other genres. I would have liked to have seen a bit more of an intro for Twilight personally. But, that is what experience and feedback help us all with. Maybe read some other clops and see how others extend the steamier scenes. Then translate that into your own style without copying someone else's work. I am anxious to see how this story turns out, and can't wait to see Big Mac's reaction to being a daddy ;)

Stunt Monkey

Stunt Monkey #7 · Jan 1st, 2013 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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Hang on. I think I've read this before too... How odd. Anyway, I look forward to more.

hamcon

hamcon #8 · Jan 1st, 2013 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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1887602 Yeah, you did read it before, but I deleted it and edited it.

Erebos

Erebos #9 · Jan 4th, 2013 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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Could be good

landis0080

landis0080 #10 · Jan 5th, 2013 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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It did go entirely too fast, you could use a lot more detail in the setup. Like how Twilight came to be this desperate, or if this is considered normal behavior for mares in Equestria. Is using magic that way ok, frowned upon or even illegal? Why did Big Mac give in so fast? Where was Spike?

I can understand wanting to get your story out and start receiving feedback asap, but considering how much ground it covers I think quite a bit more exposition is called for. I'm not sure what type of story you're going for here. There's sex but it's not set up like a clopfic, so I can understand why that's somewhat glossed over yet there is some detail given in what they do. So what's the focus of the story? The sex, the pregnancy, or a beginning romance with a hardcore starting?

It's not a bad read, and I've faved it so future chapters will be easy to find but I hope you expand on your ideas more in the future.

JeremyBoyka