• Member Since 19th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Sep 18th, 2013

SkullBow


E

This story takes place a bit after the events of King Sombra and The Crystal Ponies, also to mention this story is about a female Draconequus named Eris who loves chaos just as much as Discord but is very different.

After hearing her brother Discord was turned to stone once more, Eris decides to make a trip to visit her reckless brother yet everypony is terrified by her appearence she takes no mind to it as a certain purple coated unicorn decides to attempt at making this devious Draconequus her friend, yet Eris feels something tugging at her about this mare which she just cannot ignore..

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 19 )
Spacecowboy
Story Approver

First thing I noticed. In the description, Tonnes of Capitalization errors. Tonnes.

Second thing I noticed. Holy Run-on sentences Batman! Got lots and lots of them. Need ot make use of commas to break them up and make it more palatable for your viewers.

Third thing. Your Dialogue. It is all choppy and short. Almost as if you added in it as an afterthought or something. You need to flush it out, make better use of a wider range of words, and trying to make it more natural for the speech.

Fourth thing. Grammar. I saw at least one instance where you used you're where you should have used your. Same thing with They're/Their/There. Got to remember the little nuances like that, they can detract from a story when enough of the pile up.

Fifth thing. When trailing off dailogue with '...' It MUST be three periods, no way around it. It is the rules, and two of them are just wrong.

Sixth thing. Pacing. The events occur entirely way too quickly. There is no build up, nothing. Yet, within 1,000 words we already have Twilight and Eris seemingly buddy buddy. Flush out the events, drop some info here and there, give us some foreshadowing. Use literary devices to aid your story.

Seventh thing. Repitition. When writing, you want to vary your word usage as much as possible. For example, Twilight can be: The lavender mare (not advisable though, look up Lavender Mare Syndrome), unicorn, librarian, [adj] mare, mare, etc. By having us not read 'Twilight' every sentence, it helps to further your story.

Eighth thing. Every NEW speaker gets a paragraph break. Every time. Seeing two different speakers in the same paragraph is confusing as can be.

Ninth thing. Paragraph spacing. When looking at your story, the easiest way seems to be having that one empty line between paragraphs. Three between POV changes, time breaks, shifts, etc.

Tenth thing. Consistency. A good example is with your paragraph breaks. It starts off with no spacing between them, then halfway down you start going into the single space between them. Once you start doing something one way, keep that for the rest of the story.

Eleventh thing. Punctuation. When using it, overuse is bad. In your thought bubbles you have ?? at the end of the thoughts, where 1 '?' is plenty. ~~~, depending on who you ask, is in bad taste typically. Also, when using " marks, there is no space between the " mark and the speech following it. ex : "Hello" NOT " Hello "


Honestly, I hate to say it, but this thing is a train wreck. It can be a learning experience however if you let it. Hopefully this advice will start you down the right path.

I'm not great for punctuation, but I am great for bouncing ideas off of. If you need help with how you think the story should go, I'm your man.

I'm a fan of reading, I don't usually help writer's but when I do it's because I give a Fan's point of view as to which direction I think the story should go, as someone who likes it.

1876051
Honestly i don't give a damn about spelling or punctuation. I just dislike certain parts of the story concept. I don't get why people get so hung up about punctuation when actual story content and plot are so much more important.


The main thing I dislike is Eris not being a force to be reckoned with, she's walking through a forest for pete's sake. Personally I have my own version of eris, she's a rapist, nuff said (which is partly why I dislike this).

Also I must confess I never actually read this and I'm a huge fucking hypocrite.



Edit: Just read it part of it and, holy run on sentences batman.
Apologies to this guy 1876051.

Spacecowboy
Story Approver

1876651
Lol, yeah. I wasn't even looking at content, merely from a grammatical/structural POV.

1876651 People care about grammar when it gets so bad that it just makes it difficult to read. I'll ignore minor slip-ups, maybe comment on them if they get a bit excessive, but when a story is plagued by them.... That's about where people tend to draw the line.

Also! If nobody tells the author about the issues with his/her grammar, then he/she will never improve. It's that level of uncaring plus other stuff that leads to stuff like this.

No offense to you, of course. It's just that I see comments like your previous one all the time and it irks me as an aspiring author.

1876829
You're right, you're right, I spoke too soon like an arrogant twat. From now on I'll read things through before attacking helpful grammar nazi's, because I must admit that was some rather terrible grammar.

I thank you all for you're very much needed opinions on a terrible attempt at this story, I'll be honest I was fairly tired but please if you could offer some help I would very much appreciate it.

I do apologize for all the grammer and all of the sort of problems you have found, but again please if you could offer me some help I would appreciate it.

But thank you for taking time into reading my story, I'm glad someponies found it in the first place.

1876051
I thank you very much for you're input, I most likely will endup editing this (when I get the time) as I have and I will take into mind what you said but again I am sorry for all the errors I was quite tired when I wrote this but I thank you for actually taking time to show me my errors.

Again, thank you for actually reading my story.

Hey just finished reading this and I must say not bad. I like the idea you set forward with and can't wait to see how it pans out. You have a fav like and watch. :twilightsmile:

It's not a bad story, and think it has a lot of potential. If you don't have someone to help you, please message me and I'll see what I can do to help your story and yourself get better. I currently have 2 stories of my own and they're doing pretty good. Give them a try and if you like them enough to were you think I can help you, I would really appreciate it.

Till next time, my dear.

Damn if only butterscotch was on here lol

I like this story just don't like the ship though.

very awesome story keep up the good work :rainbowkiss:

Oh holy beast core this is going to be interesting. From what I can see this is one of those character build fics right. I wonder how eris will react to the mane six's usual adventure. Possibly remark on how chaotic they are in surprise. Really with what they usually go through it is chaotic and things do tend to resolve before days end. Most of the time. Anyway nice chapter. Hope to see more of it soon. :rainbowlaugh:

Discord has a sister this is going to be a very interesting story to read it hope you up date soon please .Question is it Eris and twilight pairing because that would be perfect for this story. :twilightsmile:

Twicord derped! Also, what if Discord had a crush on Twi too?:derpytongue2:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!