A Different.. Arrival
Prologue: A Different.. Arrival
" Disgusting... " Eris stated as she slowly made her way through Everfree forest occasionally pushing branches away from her face as she was tired from flying the journey to this place known as 'Ponyville' to visit her once again defeated brother who was fairly reckless compared to her yet loved him either way as family. Eris let her thoughts wander as she picked up a flower and with a flash she turned the flower into cotton candy smirking at her work she began to lick the treat she made herself as she slowly made her way through Everfree forest to Ponyville.
" I wonder just how these little ponies will react to my arrival... No matter " Eris shook her head at the thought of seeing the ponies, but then chuckled to herself as she thought of the ponies screaming and galloping away in terror at the sight of another Draconequus. With this she begun to feel more joyful of the long journey licking her treat, looking down at it seeing it almost finished she leaned foward and took the rest in one bite, then closed her eyes savouring the sweetness then tossed her trash to a nearby bush as she looked around the Everfree forest feeling as if she is getting closer, she leaned foward and begun walking on all fours letting her hind legs get a little rest before she made her grand appearence in the little town known as 'Ponyville'.
Eris squinted her eyes seeing a clearing she smiled " Finally ! Another hour in this disgusting forest would've been frustrating in ways... No matter I'm almost there " she thought to herself beginning to stand on her hind legs once more looking around as the scenery changed drastically then she took a deep breath taking in the fresh air with eyes closed then opened them with a devious smirk as she slowly made her way into the little town known as 'Ponyville'... Where her reckless brother had been defeated once more by the so called 'Elements of Harmony' shivering at the words, then scratched her chin with her left claw wondering where she should start off in her search for her beloved brother.
Eris had thought about walking straight through the peaceful looking town not caring of her surroundings knowing there would be many ponies looking at her. Eris had decided to take a little detour finding spots to sneak around and alleys looking from them to see if she could spot her brother. It then came to her attention a mother with her child with bubbles as the mother's cutie mark and the filly with no mark of her own looking upon the statue she realized was her brother. With the sight she shivered slightly imagining how its like to be stone but nonetheless made her way out the alley standing on her hind legs knowing ponies would see her.
" D - Discord ?? " A certain lavender coated mare whispered in fright to herself at the sight of Eris making her way to the statue of her brother.
" No way the elements turned him into stone !... Wait a minute... " The mare squinted to get a better look at saw that this Draconequus did not have the stature of Discord and realized and thought to herself " Could that be a female Draconequus?? " Twilight had become to feel intrigued and felt the interest to meet this Draconequus.
Eris had placed her right paw onto her brother's cheek " Poor discord... Somepony has been causing a ruckus in such a small little town... I'll see you sometime soon brother " She smiled and looked at her surroundings seeing ponies rush into their houses and galloping away to protect their loved ones and the mare with the child carrying her filly away in a fast pace and chuckled to herself " My what frightened litt- "
" Excuse me ? " Eris had been cut off by a voice and looked around then down as she spotted the one calling to her then leaned foward downward toward the lavender coated mare which she found quite adorable in ways but shook the thought away " And what have we here ? A unicorn wishes to speak with a Draconequus such as myself ? " Eris had chuckled softly seeing the unicorn become a bit nervous.
" U - uh... Yes, My name is Twilight Sparkle and I'd like to welcome you to Ponyville " Twilight had said in a very nervous manner which made Eris chuckle to herself even more.
" Welcome ? I already know of this place, Ponyville the place to where my reckless Brother has been defeated by the 'Elements of Harmony' " Eris had stated with an annoyed tone putting a rude emphasis on Harmony. Twilight's thoughts had begun running " Discord has a sister?? Oh no... What if she figures out I'm one of the elements that defeated Discord in the first place ?? What if she is seeking revenge?? What to do what to do... "
" Hellooo~ ? Equestria to unicorn~ " Twilight snapped out of her thoughts to a lion's paw in front of her waving and gasped out of fright and stumbled backwards ending up with her flank on the floor, this made Eris laugh loudly along with Twilight's face becoming a bit hot out of embarassment and Eris saw this and stared at her for a moment " Wow... Ain't you adorable... Wait what am I thinking?? "
" Anyway, whatchu want unicorn ? " Eris said abruptly breaking the silence, trying to continue the conversation she was uninterested in.
" Well... I just wanted to meet you and hopefully get to know you considering you're the only other Draconequus I know as of now? " Twilight said nervously, but this shocked Eris yet, she decided to have fun with this unicorn and smirked deviously at this relatively nervous mare. " Now why would you want that? I am after all quite like my brother and from what I assume, you don't like a little chaos " Eris said with the same devious smirk.
Twilight felt a bit of sweat run down her forehead then answered " I mean, you two seem fairly different from what I can see and you haven't really done anything chaotic... " This made Eris laugh and responded " I think That is chaotic enough! " She exclaimed and pointed with a claw behind Twilight, with that she turned around to see something she would've never expected.
" D - Discord?!? N-No way!! " Twilight said with a very frightened tone
" Did you miss me~? " Discord asked deviously as Twilight had already turned around to begin gathering up the elements but bumped into a brown coat and gasped looking up seeing Eris's devious smirk " H-How? Th- Its not fair! " Twilight shouted making Eris again burst into laughter "Oh boy! You shoulda seen the look on you're face!! You little ponies are so easy to fool! " Eris said while pointing at the statue of her brother continuing to laugh making Twilight sigh with relief.
" But alright, I'll play you're little 'Friendmaking' game. You are the only pony to not run away in terror by just looking at me. " Eris said running two claws gently across the top of the lavender mare's head.
" But they're all nice ponies, they're just scared thats all... I'm sure if you met all of them they'd become nice friends ! Anyway lets go to my home so we can get acquainted and possibly help you fit in! " Twilight exclaimed in joy, which made Eris chuckle nervously for once as she followed Twilight Sparkle to her home.
" By the way, I didn't catch you're name " Twilight said turning around at Eris.
" I'm Eris " She said in an awkward tone as Twilight led Eris to her home
" Nice to meet you Eris " Twilight turned to give Eris a smile that made her happy but gave an awkward smile back as they continued on.
" This'll be interesting " They both thought
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nope
First thing I noticed. In the description, Tonnes of Capitalization errors. Tonnes.
Second thing I noticed. Holy Run-on sentences Batman! Got lots and lots of them. Need ot make use of commas to break them up and make it more palatable for your viewers.
Third thing. Your Dialogue. It is all choppy and short. Almost as if you added in it as an afterthought or something. You need to flush it out, make better use of a wider range of words, and trying to make it more natural for the speech.
Fourth thing. Grammar. I saw at least one instance where you used you're where you should have used your. Same thing with They're/Their/There. Got to remember the little nuances like that, they can detract from a story when enough of the pile up.
Fifth thing. When trailing off dailogue with '...' It MUST be three periods, no way around it. It is the rules, and two of them are just wrong.
Sixth thing. Pacing. The events occur entirely way too quickly. There is no build up, nothing. Yet, within 1,000 words we already have Twilight and Eris seemingly buddy buddy. Flush out the events, drop some info here and there, give us some foreshadowing. Use literary devices to aid your story.
Seventh thing. Repitition. When writing, you want to vary your word usage as much as possible. For example, Twilight can be: The lavender mare (not advisable though, look up Lavender Mare Syndrome), unicorn, librarian, [adj] mare, mare, etc. By having us not read 'Twilight' every sentence, it helps to further your story.
Eighth thing. Every NEW speaker gets a paragraph break. Every time. Seeing two different speakers in the same paragraph is confusing as can be.
Ninth thing. Paragraph spacing. When looking at your story, the easiest way seems to be having that one empty line between paragraphs. Three between POV changes, time breaks, shifts, etc.
Tenth thing. Consistency. A good example is with your paragraph breaks. It starts off with no spacing between them, then halfway down you start going into the single space between them. Once you start doing something one way, keep that for the rest of the story.
Eleventh thing. Punctuation. When using it, overuse is bad. In your thought bubbles you have ?? at the end of the thoughts, where 1 '?' is plenty. ~~~, depending on who you ask, is in bad taste typically. Also, when using " marks, there is no space between the " mark and the speech following it. ex : "Hello" NOT " Hello "
Honestly, I hate to say it, but this thing is a train wreck. It can be a learning experience however if you let it. Hopefully this advice will start you down the right path.
i48.tinypic.com/vxi1bl.jpg
I'm not great for punctuation, but I am great for bouncing ideas off of. If you need help with how you think the story should go, I'm your man.
I'm a fan of reading, I don't usually help writer's but when I do it's because I give a Fan's point of view as to which direction I think the story should go, as someone who likes it.
1876051
Honestly i don't give a damn about spelling or punctuation. I just dislike certain parts of the story concept. I don't get why people get so hung up about punctuation when actual story content and plot are so much more important.
The main thing I dislike is Eris not being a force to be reckoned with, she's walking through a forest for pete's sake. Personally I have my own version of eris, she's a rapist, nuff said (which is partly why I dislike this).
Also I must confess I never actually read this and I'm a huge fucking hypocrite.
Edit: Just read it part of it and, holy run on sentences batman.
Apologies to this guy 1876051.
1876651
Lol, yeah. I wasn't even looking at content, merely from a grammatical/structural POV.
1876651 People care about grammar when it gets so bad that it just makes it difficult to read. I'll ignore minor slip-ups, maybe comment on them if they get a bit excessive, but when a story is plagued by them.... That's about where people tend to draw the line.
Also! If nobody tells the author about the issues with his/her grammar, then he/she will never improve. It's that level of uncaring plus other stuff that leads to stuff like this.
No offense to you, of course. It's just that I see comments like your previous one all the time and it irks me as an aspiring author.
1876829
You're right, you're right, I spoke too soon like an arrogant twat. From now on I'll read things through before attacking helpful grammar nazi's, because I must admit that was some rather terrible grammar.
I thank you all for you're very much needed opinions on a terrible attempt at this story, I'll be honest I was fairly tired but please if you could offer some help I would very much appreciate it.
I do apologize for all the grammer and all of the sort of problems you have found, but again please if you could offer me some help I would appreciate it.
But thank you for taking time into reading my story, I'm glad someponies found it in the first place.
1876051
I thank you very much for you're input, I most likely will endup editing this (when I get the time) as I have and I will take into mind what you said but again I am sorry for all the errors I was quite tired when I wrote this but I thank you for actually taking time to show me my errors.
Again, thank you for actually reading my story.
Hey just finished reading this and I must say not bad. I like the idea you set forward with and can't wait to see how it pans out. You have a fav like and watch.
It's not a bad story, and think it has a lot of potential. If you don't have someone to help you, please message me and I'll see what I can do to help your story and yourself get better. I currently have 2 stories of my own and they're doing pretty good. Give them a try and if you like them enough to were you think I can help you, I would really appreciate it.
Till next time, my dear.
I love you!
Damn if only butterscotch was on here lol
I like this story just don't like the ship though.
very awesome story keep up the good work
Oh holy beast core this is going to be interesting. From what I can see this is one of those character build fics right. I wonder how eris will react to the mane six's usual adventure. Possibly remark on how chaotic they are in surprise. Really with what they usually go through it is chaotic and things do tend to resolve before days end. Most of the time. Anyway nice chapter. Hope to see more of it soon.
Discord has a sister this is going to be a very interesting story to read it hope you up date soon please .Question is it Eris and twilight pairing because that would be perfect for this story.
Twicord derped! Also, what if Discord had a crush on Twi too?