Mater the tow truck joins us to share his adventures in Ponyville
Chapters (14)
- Member Since 20th Nov, 2012
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
Thomlight Sparkle 1
Hello, I am Brony who likes more than just My Little Pony. I also like trains, classic tv shows, action flicks, WWII history and technology, and lots more.
Thomlight Sparkle 1
Joined 20th Nov, 2012 ·
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I wouldn't wish this poison upon my worst enemies.
The jimmies are rustling.
1869852 what are you talking about?
1869881what are you talking about?
this... just makes my brain hurt. i-i can't read this. im gonna read something else. sorry if that offended you though
1869947 it's alright, I hope someone will like it.
1869962
It takes a being with your certain.... Mindset.
1869979alright
No offense unto you, bro, but nobody (in the majority) likes sub 1000 word chapters. I'm feeling charitable and bored, so expect a constructively criticism-based review in a few minutes.
1870013
what?
1870020 All of your chapters are less than 1000 words, that's something that instantly garners hate from many.
1870024 alright I just want some one to like this story
From the start, a formatting error. Always double check every chapter before publishing.
This ain't a play, here's how it should go:
Other than that, you need to slow down and get AJ in character. There is no way in any of the plains of Oblivion (except maybe the Shivering Isles [that was a joke]) that AJ would just be chill with a machine that she'd never ever seen before, much less one that talked. The meeting would be more centered around AJ freaking out and perhaps then letting curiosity get the better of her, coming out from behind whatever she was hiding behind to get a closer look at Mater.
That, and their meeting is a cardboard cut-out from their respective appearances on television. It might work in a pinch for Mater, but as readers, we wish to be entertained and it ain't entertaining to see cardboard cut-outs.
On the good side, I've never seen a Cars MLP crossover, so you get a point or two for mild originality.
So...onto the next chapter.
1870076 okay, I fixed the way Mater introduces himself.
See previous chapter's critique.
No.
Yes.
Boring.
Not (as) boring.
Okay, granted we've got some HiEs where Humans are in the Pony's books and this might be able to cut it, the key work being: might.
I will add that you've likely got Mater in character. No offense to the poor bastard, but he's an idiot.
1870110WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTT!?
Run on sentences are not bueno, add periods when you can.
For future reference, please note that you've so far got nopony in character. No offense intended. Also, if we're going with human vehicular objects (cars) being in Equestrian books, then I have the highest doubts that they'd be common knowledge.
What, so is the Princess the only one in character? (Sorry if I sound like a cynical butthead, I kinda am.)
Same rules as before also apply to this and likely all other chapters. At this point in time, my wager is on this being your first story (confirmed, it is [at least under this username]). I'd take another wager on this being the first piece of fiction that you've ever written, correct me if I'm wrong.
My suggestion is reading a lot of other top-notch quality fanfictions to get the feel. Everything that I know about writing fiction I got from English classes and from reading other fiction, mostly the latter, though. I'm no Pen Stroke, but I'm not a crap writer either. So take my advice and read good fanfiction. It also wouldn't hurt to read crapfiction either, you can learn from other's mistakes as well as your own.
1870156 this is my first but I just go as my heart sees it.
Yes, yes, and I have the ability to talk good.
On a grammatical note, as I consider myself a self-proclaimed Grammar Nazi, here's a rule to follow. Whenever you have this situation:
You use a comma after the last word of speech, not a period. Also in this case, never ever capitalize the word coming after the quotation marks, in this case, 'said.'
However, on the flipside, if your situation is:
You do use a period after the last quoted word and anything after that is capitalized.
There are some other rules for other situations, but these are the basics of it.
It's 'wasabi', not 'wa-sobi', I should know.
No.
Yes. Format-wise, always, always, ALWAYS start a new paragraph when you have a new speaker. In this case, that's Pinkie vs Mater.
Good reference to a human-to-car saying.
Incorrect, see "Griffon the Brush-Off."
A continuous problem as well is that you're telling, not showing. The famous quote: "Show, don't tell," comes to mind.
Example:
vs.
I pulled this out of my ass, so it's not a very good example, just a good one.
How does Mater know what a dog is...in fact, how the heck does he know what a pony is, a unicorn or pegasus no less? I'm no Cars expert, so I could by all means be wrong, but where on earth would a half-wit like Mater find time to learn english and then read up on mythical creatures that likely don't exist in his world.
You've got to remember that Mater is a metal-based machine that runs on gasoline, coolants, water, brake fluid and etc. Ponies are flesh and blood creatures that consume things like water, protein, and carbohydrates and then turn those into energy. There ain't a way in the underworld that Mater would know jackspit about any biological life form. Sure, you've got the books theory, but Mater is an idiot who probably can't read. Then again, he could have heard about it from word-of-mouth (stories and stuff like that) so there's another (sketchy at best) theory.
Another rule to follow: never ever, ever put a number like 4 or 2 as that. Take a few extra microseconds to write the damn word out, it'll be well worth the time, since your readers won't think that you're so lazy (not saying that you are, or anything, just that that's how people see putting 2 instead of two.)
1870242 It a pretend story it can have what I please!
1870138 What about it pissed you off?
1870249 sorry I over reacted don't take it personally
I didn't mean to offend you.
1870255 You couldn't offend me if you tried, don't worry.
1870262 but continue the review
1870277 Finishing up now.
This is not gonna be a great story anytime soon, 'cos you're a kid of some sort and you just haven't written or read enough.
BUT, you're a nice kid- so now you've got an upthumb, because there are plenty of ponies on this site with much worse attitudes even when they can sometimes write better, and you are not the one who deserves the zero to ten up/downthumb ratio.
Good luck and may you find some of the other nice folks, and continue to work patiently on fixing the writing mistakes! That is what everypony does if they're any good- they just start at a higher level and keep going. If you enjoy stories (especially reading them) you'll get there, too.
1870325thanks for the commen
t
Was she going so fast that the quotation marks couldn't keep up?
That and plenty of other stuff that I've already covered.
In closing, sorry, but I'd delete this story and try again if I were you.
Trust me when I say that you DO NOT NEED TO RUSH there's a plethora of fictions out there that, at times, don't have another chapter for a month or so. Just pick a few at random and look at the dates. So next time around, take your goshdarned time and don't rush it. I steamrolled over the first chapters of both my stories weeks before I posted them and it's not like fimfiction.net is closing its doors to new writers or going down any time soon. You've got plenty of time, so use it!
And make sure that you let nothing I say get your hopes down. You have got potential as a writer. This story isn't half as bad as some of the stuff I've seen in my days.
You also didn't all-out bite my head off over my review, meaning that you aren't like some of the lesser authors on this site who do go and spit at critics when we try to offer help. You have my thanks for that.
So, to finally conclude, your story has potential. I've not seen many Cars-MLP crossovers, and originality is in your favor. All you need to do is slow down and take your time to flesh out the story a bit, making sure that you abide by the 'show, don't tell' rule. What you've got here is short enough to publish as a single chapter, something that I suggest that you do when next you publish this. A tip that I use is to read your story out loud to yourself, the human brain corrects all the mistakes if you just read it in your head, but reading it aloud will show you where mistakes are. Finally, you're able to take criticism, a great trait that I can admire.
Sorry if I made any mistakes, It's almost one in the morning here so I'm not in the best state of mind. Feel free to ask any questions for clarification, I'm always willing to help a fellow writer and a fellow MLP fan out.
And without any further ado, I bid you farewell and offer you good luck.
/)
Oh, and have a like for taking the criticism well
1870329
And now you've got a 'like' even if it's not QUITE the same as a 'liked the story'- and I bet there's gonna be SOMEPONY on the site who likes the story, too.
...because I know this site.
Now, keep working on those mistakes until you're bored, and then write something else that starts with fewer problems!
1870076
Oh, I have seen a Cars/Pony crossover. Uhhh... literally.
That cocky sports car character was once seen, um, 'crossing over' Rarity. I think that one was rated sex AND gore, and lordy, did it need it. Compared to that, this story is a lot truer to what My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic is all about. So I'm all the more glad I gave the poor thing a 'like'.
1870353thanks
1870376
I've not read this yet, and judging by the comment's I'm going to have to, but I'm upvoting this right now, just for how well you've taken all the criticism. You're a credit to the internet my new friend.
1871653 thanks
1871659
It's no problem! I can see why people were having issues with it, but I'm not going to just rehash what Warren was saying. I just blazed through the first chapter, and to be honest, I like it. It's a bit of lighthearted fluff, nice change from most of the gloomier fics I read.
I'm guessing you're pretty young too, not holding it against you! It's good to see you kids are still reading, don't let this fic being a bust stop you though, take all that people have said and learn from it, and please, NEVER stop pumping out these saccharine fics, you'd be surprised how uplifting a good one can be.
1870353 Oh yeah, I forgot about that one.
1871865oh well you can't win them all,
can you keep the review going?
Would you be interested in working with someone to help plan your next fic? I can try to help you along if you wish. It seems like you've got the interest in improving and you're just mired in inexperience. That's fixable. Let me know if you'd like some help.
1870110 Little old me....
You love editing like me, don't cha?
1879421 That would be a fair statement.
1871873 I see you've got more chapters so if I don't lose my internet then expect some in a few minutes.
Remember, comma at the end if the quote is followed by said [insert name] (unless you're using a ! or a ?. Also, you'll want to put a comma before Mater, lemme show you why.
Now, unless the speaker is a cannibalistic person who is having grandmama's guts for dinner, you don't want to be using the first version.
Either it's national 'don't use the word "the", day', or we've got a typo.
I see what you did there, good job.
Okay, so I think that you ought to run everything through MS Word before posting it here. Also, did I tell you to take your gosh darned time, or was that someone else? If it was someone else, then take your time. Your like/dislike ratio won't get any better if you keep posting stuff with minimal effort. I personally always make sure that my chapters are spotless before I go posting them here, whether that means taking another week or so or not.
Good writing requires patience. Go over your stories, read them ALOUD as reading them in your head will auto-correct anything that you see is wrong, trust me. It's happened to me plenty of times where I'd read over a chapter of mine in my head and find nothing, then go over it again out loud and make a bunch of major changes to it as I found errors.
Oh, and if you don't have MS Word, then get Google Chrome and write everything in a Google Drive document, it won't get as much as Word will, but it'll still get plenty.
I apologize for any mistakes I've made or will make in future reviews within the next two hours, it's late here and I'm tired.
I am seeing improvement from previous chapters, however it looked like you forgot to add the ending quotation marks a few times, something that could be avoided with some editing work on your part.
A comma or ? should go after Mater.
I was gonna question how he knew it was four hours, but then remembered that most cars have a clock, so nothing wrong here.
Show, don't tell. I for one would have loved to get a first-hand look at this nightmare, dream sequences are probably considered cliche, but not so in a bad way. (Then again, nightmares can be kinda hard to do right, I should know.)
Yes, and I once chose to take a ran. Wrong tense of verb usage, that should be drive, not drove.
The Zecora scene wasn't as good as it could have been, but you still did better than me. So good job there.
Good use of grammar and punctuation, but it wouldn't hurt to spell out Cutie Mark Crusaders instead of putting CMC.
I made some changes, just saying that her eyes shrunk could imply that someone hit them with some sort of dehydrating powder and the actual eyeball shriveled up (which would really goddamn suck
). Saying pupils is much more accurate, though people will usually understand that it's her pupils shrinking instead of her eyeballs.
Just like in some orgies, there's too many buts in this sentence. You shouldn't use the same word twice within a paragraph or two.
Logical fallacy detected: Rainbow Dash has wings, she can and prefers to fly.
Well buck me sideways, that'd hurt like a bitch! Okay, maybe I don't have a tail, but I'm sure that getting your tail ripped off is nothing to shrug off.
Missing quotation mark.
AppleMater shipping? Well I'll give you credit, that's probably relatively original...I know that RariMcQueen's been done before, though.
Wow, best reason ever to not try to escape
. For the record, that was sarcasm.
*Alarm goes off, siren blaring loudly across the compoud* Oh noez, we've got a Gary Stu alert!
Just kidding, sometimes (all the time) being sleepy makes me stupid and I've got a really crappy sense of humor.
So, I'm certainly seeing improvement. I still think that you need to work on pacing, more showing, less telling, and some expansion on chapters. Punctuation could also use some work, and that can be fixed with either MS Word or Google Chrome + Google Drive.
Sorry if these have been lacking detail or have errors, it's eleven o' clock and I'm one tired fother mucker.
1879769 there's more chapters
