The Clubhouse and The CMC's joy ride.
The 3 little ponies took me up to this tree house and took me up the stairs.
"Dadgum!" Ah said. "This is where we go to think of ideas to earn our cutie marks!" Sweetie Belle said.
"Yeah! And sometimes to get someplace quick we take my scooter and a wagon there!" said Scootaloo.
"Hey Mater, can you take us for a ride?" asked Apple Bloom.
Ah thought for a moment and remembered what Ah had then answered, "Sure! But you better put on helmets and goggles, because 3 will have a ride of a lifetime!" So they got the helmets and goggles and when they were on the scooter and wagon Scootaloo grabbed my hook and put it on her scooter. When they signaled me I started driving at my top speed.
"Wow this is fun! Can you go faster than this?" said Scootaloo.
"Can I?" Ah said. "Strap yourselves down! You're gonna have the thrill of a lifetime!" Ah said, then my rockets opened up on the back of me and then they started to rev up.
WOW! HE HAS ROCKETS! exclaimed Scootaloo, then my rockets started to rev up ever more then the Cutie Mark Crusaders ducked down and my rockets fired up and Ah flew down the path. Ah was yelling with joy as we went.
"This is so awesome! We never gone this fast! said Scootaloo.
"Maybe we'll get dare devil cutie marks! said Sweetie Belle.
"Yeah! Keep going Mater! said Scootaloo again. Applejack, Twilight, and Rainbow were a few miles ahead talking bout' how cool it was that ah was friends with a race car.
"I wonder if we'll see this race car one day? asked Rainbow.
"Ah'd would like to meet this award winner too!" said Applejack.
"I bet Mater will bring him here someday, I'd like to meet him too. said Twilight. Then Ah rocketed past. Applejack nearly lost her hat. and they were spinnin' in circles from my speed. Then they stopped.
"WHOA! WHAT IN TARNATION WAS THAT!? exclaimed Applejack. Rainbow then flew up to me and was so surprised that she hit a tree! She flew back to Twilight and Applejack.
"It was Mater! He had 2 rockets on the back of him!" exclaim Rainbow
"WHOA NELLY! exclaimed Applejack.
He had rockets!? cried Twilight.
"Yeah! And he was giving the CMC a lift! exclaimed Rainbow
"Whoa! I wonder where he got them rockets?" said Applejack.
Ah was speeding down the road through the town and then ah said, "Now here comes the more exciting part!"
"How much more exciting?" ask Apple Bloom.
"Hold on! Here it comes!" Ah shouted, then ah deployed my chute and we took off! The CMC was enjoying this ride even more than before. They saw stuff they never say before.
"We're flying!!!!!!!shouted Scootaloo. Ah knew they were having a good time, but little did I know that someone else was watching me. Ah turned around and started back for the clubhouse. I flew over Rainbow, Applejack, Twilight again but Pinkie Pie was with them this time.
"Look Mater's flying!" Shouted Rainbow.
"HE CAN FLY?!" exclaim Pinkie.
"Wow! Now there's somein' you don't see!" said Applejack. Then the ponies began running after me. AH landed right the clubhouse and to my surprise, The ponies were already there clappin' or cloppin' for me.
"Wow! You flew great!" said Rainbow.
"You're the first tow truck that I've seen that can fly!" exclaimed Pinkie.
"Yer amazing Mater!" Said Applejack.
"That was the best run we ever had!" exclaimed Scootaloo. Then the 3 small ponies looked at their flanks to see nothin'.
"Still nothing, but that was great! said Sweetie Belle. Ah now knew Ah was popular, among these ponies and ah couldn't wait for what would happen next!
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1869881what are you talking about?
1869947 it's alright, I hope someone will like it.
1869962
It takes a being with your certain.... Mindset.
1869979alright
No offense unto you, bro, but nobody (in the majority) likes sub 1000 word chapters. I'm feeling charitable and bored, so expect a constructively criticism-based review in a few minutes.
1870013
what?
1870020 All of your chapters are less than 1000 words, that's something that instantly garners hate from many.
1870024 alright I just want some one to like this story
1870076 okay, I fixed the way Mater introduces himself.
1870110WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTT!?
1870156 this is my first but I just go as my heart sees it.
1870242 It a pretend story it can have what I please!
1870138 What about it pissed you off?
1870249 sorry I over reacted don't take it personally
I didn't mean to offend you.
1870255 You couldn't offend me if you tried, don't worry.
1870262 but continue the review
1870277 Finishing up now.
Was she going so fast that the quotation marks couldn't keep up?
That and plenty of other stuff that I've already covered.
In closing, sorry, but I'd delete this story and try again if I were you.
Trust me when I say that you DO NOT NEED TO RUSH there's a plethora of fictions out there that, at times, don't have another chapter for a month or so. Just pick a few at random and look at the dates. So next time around, take your goshdarned time and don't rush it. I steamrolled over the first chapters of both my stories weeks before I posted them and it's not like fimfiction.net is closing its doors to new writers or going down any time soon. You've got plenty of time, so use it!
And make sure that you let nothing I say get your hopes down. You have got potential as a writer. This story isn't half as bad as some of the stuff I've seen in my days.
You also didn't all-out bite my head off over my review, meaning that you aren't like some of the lesser authors on this site who do go and spit at critics when we try to offer help. You have my thanks for that.
So, to finally conclude, your story has potential. I've not seen many Cars-MLP crossovers, and originality is in your favor. All you need to do is slow down and take your time to flesh out the story a bit, making sure that you abide by the 'show, don't tell' rule. What you've got here is short enough to publish as a single chapter, something that I suggest that you do when next you publish this. A tip that I use is to read your story out loud to yourself, the human brain corrects all the mistakes if you just read it in your head, but reading it aloud will show you where mistakes are. Finally, you're able to take criticism, a great trait that I can admire.
Sorry if I made any mistakes, It's almost one in the morning here so I'm not in the best state of mind. Feel free to ask any questions for clarification, I'm always willing to help a fellow writer and a fellow MLP fan out.
And without any further ado, I bid you farewell and offer you good luck.
/)
Oh, and have a like for taking the criticism well