• Published 19th Dec 2012
  • 1,825 Views, 22 Comments

Treasure - KuroiTsubasaTenshi

When Twilight and Dash return to the Everfree castle, it begins to feel like they’ve stumbled into a Daring Do novel. They must escape before they drive each other crazy. Or fall victim to the traps.

  • ...


As Daring Do stumbled clear of the hall, her mind wriggled free of the chill fog’s bonds. Frost clung to her coat, sharp teeth gnawing at what few parts of her still had feeling.

She swerved a few times, almost clipping her side on the corner of the polished purple wall. The equally purple floor rose up as Daring stumbled away, coming only inches away from colliding with her nose.

Grand torches, holding balls of fire high above her, brought a welcome warmth. She shivered as the numbness fled her body. The melting frost slid between the hairs of her coat, leaving her feeling like a wet cat. She shook herself out, showering the floor with a soft pitter-patter. She blinked several times, then wiped away the last of the water with her hoof.

“Have you no manners?” boomed the mare’s bitter, yet melodic voice. The echoes seemed to last forever in the sprawling room.

Daring Do’s eyes darted from right to left, scrambling over towering mounds of glittering gold and gem-encrusted jewelry. There were bracers, shoes and chokers, many of which bore the long, slender hallmark of the Saddle Arabians. Others had a heavy dragon motif, their jade eyes calling out to her. Daring snapped her mouth shut and shooed away the would-be drool with a flick of her tongue. Later, Daring. Later.

She settled on the largest pile, which dominated the centre of the room. Up, and up her vision climbed, and as it reached the summit, Daring Do spotted her.

The mighty chestnut alicorn sat on her haunches like an idle predator. Golden jewelry, engraved with intricate designs of stars and even full constellations, adorned the rippling muscles of her legs and chest. Even at such a distance, the massive mare made the throne of treasure look like a perfectly fitted cushion.

Her face was hidden behind a full gray mask. It had the general shape of a pony’s head, but no defining features to speak of. The pupilless eyes stared down at Daring Do in unblinking judgement.

Horse. The Faceless. The Usurper. The Mad Queen. The kind of reputation that leaves an ordinary pony shaking in her shoes. Daring smirked. The townsfolk had told her there was no treasure, no Horse. That what she’d heard was an old mare’s tale, invented by some cruel pony, to lure greedy adventurers to their doom. Obviously, none of those other adventurers were a Do. When the villagers hear about this, they’re going to have a fit!

Daring Do strode over to the base of the treasure-throne, eyes fixed upward. She stood tall, casting Horse a defiant stare. “Sorry, I must have missed the complimentary towels on the way in.”

Horse was on her hooves in an instant, mouth open for a verbal lashing. But what came next was strangely elated and sounded an awful lot like Twilight Sparkle. “Aha!”

The world froze and spiralled away, dumping Rainbow Dash back into reality. Her eyes snapped to the middle of the room, where Twilight’s face was still buried muzzle-deep in a floating copy of Castles Throughout the Years: A Comprehensive Guide. In other words, she had found nothing of importance.

When Twilight had asked if Rainbow Dash wanted to help her explore the Everfree castle, Rainbow had not expected it to mean, “Want to stand around forever in an empty, half broken stone shack that smells pretty awful?”.

The current room alone was missing half its roof, allowing the mist-dulled sunlight to trickle in. Not to mention its walls and floors were woefully bare, unless long cracks could be considered posh decor. In which case the place was clearly the fashion capitol of Equestria.

“What is it this time?” Dash asked, flicking her tail as she leaned against the surprisingly sturdy wall.

“I’m certain this must have been a study. Which means I was right. This is unlike anything listed in my book!” Twilight grinned and set her quill and its buddy, parchment, to work. The page hovered obediently over her head as the pen glided here and there, completing the fourth box in the diagram.

“So a dining room is where a bedroom should be. What’s the big deal?” Dash kicked a stray pebble, watching it bounce off into the shadows.

“Oh, come on! This is a customized castle made from a type of stone nopony even builds with anymore! Don’t you find that the least bit exciting?”

“Honestly? Totally boring.”

Twilight stared at Rainbow through slitted eyes.

Rainbow Dash sighed. “Look, you want this project to impress Princess Celestia, right?”

“Of course!”

“Maps are boring things for boring, regular teachers. Think something bigger. Something shinier. Something treasure-y!” Dash spread her forehooves wide.

“What, like the Sapphire Stone?”

“Well, yeah. This is the princesses’ castle, isn’t it?”

“Okay, okay, I get it. We’ll move on. But I’m not giving up on my map.” Twilight slipped her book back into her saddlebag and headed for the nearest doorway.

Rainbow Dash trotted after her friend, passing under a crumbling arch. What a dump.

The next room was small, but at least it was more than just a stone box full of broken rocks. On her left was a rotted set of bookcases, their sad remains dominoing across the cracked wall. And on her right, a greying, doorless cabinet. To top it off, the room even had an entire roof this time.

Twilight made a beeline for the shelves, the light of her horn poking at the mixture of moss and webbing. “I can’t believe any of this survived!”

A faded and torn book pulled its way free of the wreckage. As the cover, which read re in he Moo, flipped open, a flurry of scraps tumbled to the floor.

“Yeah. ‘Survived,’” Dash replied, breaking off toward the cabinet.

Rainbow Dash was finding it increasingly clear that it would be up to her to save the day and stop Twilight from embarrassing herself with that dusty old excuse for a book. Or even worse, that boring old map. As she fixed her eyes on the only intact drawer, she believed she knew just what the doctor had ordered. She reached out with a hoof.

As soon as she touched the handle, it fell away, clattering to the ground. A curse formed on her lips, and she glared at the container.

That was when she noticed the crescent. The carving sat in the rear wall of the cabinet, its original colours long faded into an earthy smear of yellow and brown. She propped her hooves on top of the drawer, poking her nose into the cavity—

And recoiled, nearly cracking her head on the frame, as the entire container slipped backward.

Rainbow blinked, eyes flitting to Twilight with the careful indignity of a cat. Satisfied that her friend was still distracted by the mess of broken wood, Dash turned her attention back to the cabinet.

Squinting through the shadows, she could see the container was farther from the wall than she originally thought. She poked her head around back. The passage was not even two ponies wide and slanted down, quickly becoming lost to the endless darkness.

“Hey, Twilight. This one goes down. Do castles go down?”

The unicorn trotted over, the light from her horn forcing the blackness to retreat further into the hallway. She frowned.

“Yes, but I’d expect the cellar to be closer to the kitchen.”

Dash flashed Twilight a grin and practically sprung into the doorway. “Could be a secret passage. Let’s check it out!”

“If it is, somepony did a really bad job of keeping it hidden. Just don’t get your hopes up. If we find anything, it’ll probably be somepony’s hundreds-year-old lunch.”

Rainbow shrugged. “Can’t be more boring than up here.”


The ramp circled round for the fifth time before Twilight’s hooves finally touched level ground. The tight, almost stifling, walls gave way to an impenetrable darkness. Staring off into the nothingness, Twilight wasn’t sure if she should be excited or wary.

Stop being silly. It’s the princesses’ basement, not some supervillain’s lair.

Rainbow practically pressed herself up against Twilight’s rear, craning her neck, for all the good it did her. Twilight glanced back to give her friend a questioning look. Her head was barely half-turned when a loud, echoing click made her snap it forward again.

Light blasted into the room, giving her a fuzzy glimpse of an empty expanse. Torches sprung to life all along the curved walls, forming a wave of brilliance that blotted out the area just as quickly. Twilight squinted, throwing a hoof in front of her face when that failed to help.

After several long moments, the light settled into a warm glow. Twilight held her hoof to her chest, fighting to bring both her breathing and the spots in her vision, under control. She eyed one of the torches. Just lights. And they still work. At least it’s convenient.

Somepony clearly had a thing for dramatics. Twilight didn’t have to think twice about which Royal Canterlot Voice-happy princess that might be.

Despite all the theatrics, the room was barely different from the rest of the castle. Each surface of the large, circular room was made of the same aged, purple rock. Even the battered stone pedestal in the centre of the room nearly blended into the floor. If not for the weathered vase crowning the stand, it just might have. The realization that this still wasn’t a supervillain’s lair helped to settled her nerves.

“Well, that was—”

“So cool! Hey, check it out!” Rainbow beamed as she hurried over to the pedestal. She stopped just short of plowing into it and fixed her eyes on the vase.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. The urn could be called patchy at best, the faded paint too scarce to really pique her curiosity.

Rainbow Dash peered around to the left, then waved her foreleg above the container. She brushed her bangs from her face and rubbed her forehooves together.

A small smirk half-formed on Twilight’s lips, her mind painting a pith helmet atop her friend’s head. But it didn’t stop there and insisted on reminding her of what Daring had faced after she collected the Sapphire Stone. Imaginary lava started spraying up through the floor. Twilight swiftly pushed the thought away. No, the princesses, especially Princess Celestia, would never do that.

Still, the nagging was persistent, and she found herself shouting the only other concern to come to mind, “Wait, don’t touch it! It might be—!”

With a look of indifference, Rainbow snatched the urn in her mouth.


The room trembled. Dust spewed from the ceiling, and a few larger chunks even came free, pelting the ponies.

Twilight froze. It had to be some kind of mistake, just another silly thing like the lights. Only when a stone the size of her hoof bounced painfully off of her head, did her mind restart. Get out! Get out! Get out!

She turned to the entrance just in time to see a thick slab of rock come crashing down with deafening force. Thousands of gravelly specks shot off the floor, joining the existing grit attacking her. She fell to her knees in a fit of coughing and blurry tears.

Seconds passed. Then minutes. An eternity later, the ringing in Twilight’s ears subsided. She groaned, forcing an eye open.

Rainbow Dash let out a cough from behind the pedestal. She was huddled against the ground, the vase beneath her miraculously still in one piece.

She met Twilight’s gaze, a small, sheepish smile forming. “Oops?”

“Real smooth, Rainbow.”

“Chillax, Twilight, it’s just a door. Here, I’ll just put this back and we’ll be good to go.”

“Just a—Dash, traps don’t work that way.” Twilight slumped as her own words sank in.

Okay, Twilight, calm down. Sure, the castle’s trapped, but Princess Celestia wouldn’t do that willy-nilly. There must be a good reason. Like... like... something I’m just too young to understand! Yeah! That must be it!

Dash stood and shook herself out before scooping up the jar and setting it back on its stand. She glanced from vase to entrance and back again. Her wings drooped. “Bummer.”

Twilight sighed. “Rainbow, I told you—”

“Oh, well, it’s no big. We can just use that one.” Rainbow Dash pointed across the room, where an open door waited.

“No. That probably goes deeper.”

“Sweet! Imagine all the cool things we could find!”

“Like more traps? Focus, Dash! We have more important things to think about.” Twilight threw her forehooves in the air. “Wait, I know! I’ll just teleport us out.”

Twilight closed her eyes, gritting her teeth as colour poured from her horn. Pain leapt across her brain, like a slap to the forehead, except somehow inside her skull. She jerked back, wobbling a few moments before she collapsed.

“Twilight?! Hey, what happened?” Rainbow Dash called out as she galloped over.

“Nnnugh, this... this has to be some kind of joke.” Twilight scrambled to her hooves and stared at the far end of the room. Her horn sparkled, but before she knew it, she was on her rump again. She clenched her eyes, clutching her forelegs to the sides of her head.

Dash leaned down so she was face to face with Twilight. “You gonna tell me what’s going on or what?”

The unicorn pushed herself to her hooves, brushing some dust from her coat. “It’s like everytime I try to do it, I crash into some sort of magic wall. I... I guess it makes sense, since this is the princesses’ castle, but I never would have expected...”

She looked forlornly at the sealed passage.

“Hey, nothing says there’s only one way out, right?” Rainbow grinned and motioned her head to the open door again.

Twilight swallowed. “Well... no, but—”

“Then what are we waiting for? Let’s go!” Rainbow Dash barreled forward.

“Dash, wait!” called Twilight, scrambling after her friend.


Rainbow found herself in a large, square room. One that, unfortunately, still lacked any real sort of treasure. But after the vase, she had a good feeling about this place. Her imagination went wild, constructing a regal purple cloak with a hoof-sized clasp. And on that clasp would be six gems, one for each colour in her mane. She dubbed it the ‘Awesome Cloak of Royal Awesomeness.’

Crumbling pillars, seemingly held up by a blanket of overgrowth, pointed her toward the opposite side. Seeing no reason not to, she followed their lead. The further she trotted, the more she marveled at how a few columns could really spice up the bare purple walls. By the time Twilight’s hoofsteps reached Dash’s ears, the pegasus was nearly at the next door.

A rusty red grate, its old body bent in several places, stretched across the stone-framed doorway. Dash flew forward, testing her new opponent with a swift kick of her forehoof. Her reward was little more than a hollow rattle and a firm deflection.

“Think you’re tough stuff, huh?” With a snort, Rainbow landed a few steps back and pawed at the ground. Glancing behind her, she wondered how much speed she could put into a buck. She returned her gaze to the door, flexing her hind legs as she imagined it flying off into the next room.

Out of the corner of her eye, Dash caught Twilight squatted off to the left. The unicorn’s head was twisted halfway around as she struggled to line both her eye and the glow of her horn up with a hole in the wall.

Rainbow trotted up beside her. “Well?”

“‘Well’ what?”

“You could just use your hoof.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Do you want to stick your hoof in there?”

“If it’ll get us past this dumb door.” Dash reached out a foreleg, which Twilight swatted away.

“That was a rhetorical question!”

“Rhet... what?”

Twilight sighed. “You were supposed to say ‘no’ because it’s obviously trapped.”

Rainbow glanced at the hole again. The opening was perfectly rounded, just begging for a hoof to be slipped inside. It did seem just a little too inviting. She shrugged. “If you say so.”

She took a few steps back, her eyes never leaving Twilight. A minute passed, then two. And still her friend was waffling over the hole. Dash let out a long sigh.

Rainbow pressed her hoof atop a small stone, grinding it against the floor. With a quick flick, she sent it flying through the air, the rock smacking against the opposite wall.


As it came back, she trapped it against the floor.


With half a smirk, she repeated the motion.

Click. Clack. Click. Clack. Click. Clack. Click.

The stone stopped mid air as Twilight turned to shoot Rainbow Dash a glare.

“Would you stop that? I’m trying to con... cen...” Twilight stared for a moment, a smile slowly forming on her lips.

A much larger hunk of rock rose from the floor and made its way over to the hole. Without a sound, it slid easily inside.

Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap. Tap, tap. Tapclick. Crunch.

“Got it!” she shouted as the gate clattered into the floor. She held the rock in front of her and beamed. “Maybe I should take it with me.”

“Hey! I thought you said it was trapped.” Rainbow Dash squinted. “That rock looks pretty okay to me.”

Twilight glanced back at the hole. “Well, I guess we were just lucky, then.”

“More like wasted our time. You were worrying over nothing.” Rainbow crossed her hooves.

“That’s not the point.”

Dash stuck out her tongue. “You’re just jealous I’m more ‘Daring’ than you.”

“Ugh, Dash, seriously?” Twilight moved a hoof toward her forehead, but froze halfway, her eyes veering off into space. “Say, Rainbow, doesn’t this remind you of something?”


“Maybe it’s just me, but that entrance trap, the layout, this switch and the door. I’ve read this before.”

“Read it?” The words came pouring back. “Wait. Daring Do and the Tomb of Horse?

Twilight nodded. “But I’m sure it’s just coincidence.”

“Aw, I hope not. Everything’s better with Daring Do!” Dash laughed and grinned. “C’mon.”

Taking the lead again, Rainbow Dash rushed into the next hallway. She stopped short, her smile widening. Breaking into a giddy trot, she let her eyes wander over each of the simple dull-edged glyphs that ran the length of the wall. She stood close, where Daring should have been and raised a hoof. She paused for just a moment before playfully poking one of the bucket-carrying carvings.

A pony-shaped shadow crept over her and up the wall, its head looming high above her. She spun, flashing a grin behind her. “It’s just like the cover!”

Twilight, who was now nearly face to face with Dash, took a couple steps back. “Er, yeah. You noticed too?”

“Of course!” Rainbow’s smile melted into a sly smirk. “Heh. You think we’ll find Horse sitting on a pile of treasure, cursing at the rest of the world?”

Twilight frowned and scuffed a hoof. “I... I want to say no. That a pony feeling so hurt and alone as to abandon her name is just an old mare’s tale. But it all just keeps adding up and... well, our last old mare’s tale turned out to be more than just a myth. We should turn back.”

Rainbow Dash strode down the hall, boldly puffing out her chest. “And be stuck here forever? No, way. Besides, Daring would never—”

“But we’re not Daring, Dash!” Twilight said, an edge in her voice. “And stop wandering around while I check the room.”

Rainbow struck a pose. “Yeah, you’re right. We aren’t. We took on Discord, Avatar of Chaos. What are a few traps and one pony compared to that?”

Twilight’s frown deepened. “That’s dangerous thinking. Now cut it o—what was that?”

“Gah!” Rainbow Dash hopped backward as the tile gave way, sinking firmly into the floor. With an unholy screech, the gate slid back into place.

“Hey, no fair! That’s not in the book!” Rainbow moaned.

The side walls shook and groaned, closing in like the jaws of a great beast. To make matters worse, a fine, grey mist started spraying up from the floor. Dash backed away, trying to shake the tingling from her nose as the room grew hazy.

Move!” Twilight yelled, the pounding of her hooves lost somewhere in the fog.

Rainbow shot down the hall to the remaining doorway. She turned, flashing a victorious grin at the slowpoke walls. “Woo! Can’t touch this!”

But that smile melted away when Twilight let out a yelp, her haze-shrouded silhouette toppling forward. Dash’s eyes darted between her friend and the walls. She’s not going to make it!

Beating her wings, Rainbow launched herself back into the hallway, leaving a flowing rainbow trail. As she swung around, making a tight U to get behind Twilight, time seemed to slow down. The clouded forms of the walls were obviously struggling to keep up with her superior speed. Dash slammed into her friend’s rear with all the force she could muster, eyes widening when Twilight’s left side gave way. As they shot forward, Rainbow Dash’s head slipped under Twilight’s hind leg, sending them into a tornado of limbs and colourful hair.

The two of them tumbled head over hooves until Dash could hardly see straight, kicking up a cloud of dust that could give the mist a run for its money. As the mares rolled to a stop in a grimey pastel tangle, the room filled with the sickening crunch of stone on stone, followed by an ominous boom.

Twilight lay upside-down, her back pressed into Rainbow’s side. As she shifted, taking care not to put a hoof in any of her friend’s soft spots, she peeked over her bangs. Two giant purple slabs sat together in a tight hug, the hallway a victim of their affection. A couple feet closer and that wouldn’t have been the only thing.

“See? This ...is why we need to be... more careful,” she gasped, sliding to the floor with an unceremonious ‘plop’.

“It wouldn’t have mattered if you weren’t dawdling in the back.”

Twilight glared at Dash. “You’re the one who set it off!”

“So? What would have changed if you walked into it instead?”

Twilight didn’t have an answer. She wanted to yell, to break off into a long lecture. But Rainbow had a point, and she had no ground to stand on. So she merely grumbled and pushed herself to her hooves. She cast one more glance at the sealed passage before scanning the room.

It was long and rectangular, almost more like a hallway than a proper room. As her eyes traversed the area, she spotted a few lighter sections on the walls. She wondered what had been there and how long they had lasted before time finally tore them down. The first was answered by the heaps of filthy, tattered cloth scattered across the floor. The second was something she wasn’t sure anypony could ever know.

She edged toward the nearest pile, eyes flitting every which way as she tried to keep the entirety of the room in her sight. This proved more taxing than she anticipated, and before she knew it, she had bumped a hoof into the rags. Twilight frowned, scolding herself for getting so distracted.

Taking advantage of the lack of death traps, she wrapped the cloth in her magic and raised it to eye level. The barest of blues fought its way through the caked dust. Despite its extremely poor condition, Twilight knew exactly what she was looking at: two ponies forming a circle around the sun and the moon.

She frowned. Although familiar, she had been expecting something else. Something that was more dark purple with a yellow crescent horseshoe stamped in the centre. She tried to tell herself she was just getting carried away, but she couldn’t deny the mounting similarities. And yet, the pieces didn’t quite fit.

Twilight stared up at her horn as a dozen different ideas tried to run off with her mind.

“Somepony went through a lot of trouble,” she mused.

Rainbow grinned. “You think some fanfilly built this to look like Horse’s Tomb too?”

“Or liked it enough to put it into the book. Unless there’s some sort of historical basis, which, if Horse is real, would make Tomb some sort of biography. But then why was Horse living in the princesses’ basement? I mean, did she know them? Or move in after they left?”


“Or... or maybe Daring Do is real too. Which would also make it a first pony account of something historical!”


“Huh?” Twilight blinked, the Equestrian banner falling to the floor.

“Adventure now, write the paper later.”

Twilight scowled. “You mean ‘get out of here now’, I hope.”

“Whatever.” Dash waved her hoof.

Twilight furrowed her brow as she felt the heat return to her cheeks. She cleared her throat. “Anyway, this does give us an advantage. If we’re careful to avoid any extra surprises, we know where to go and how to get there.”

“Wait... are you saying... we get to see Horse’s room? And use her exit?!”

“Not in those exact words.”

Rainbow bounced. “This is going to be so awesome!”

Twilight smacked her forehead. “No, Rainbow, it’s not. Do you have any idea how dangerous this—hey!”

Rainbow Dash was already galloping away. All Twilight could do was glare at the back of her friend’s head as she hurried to catch up.

Twilight’s mind laid out a rough map as they pushed into the next hallway. First, they would make a turn, leading them through the grand hall. Following that, they would cross one of the twin balconies. Wind Eater territory. She made a mental note to tell Dash to stick to the ground. A side hall would lead them around to the second twin balcony. Finally, they would reach the doors to Horse’s chambers. And what lay beyond, she only hoped they could handle.

Her mind snapped back to reality as they rounded the corner. Only to find herself lost again just as quickly. She wondered if her imagination had been holding back on her. For what she had envisioned was like the spacious, but manageable halls of her parents’ house.

What she saw was nothing short of massive. The nearly endless emptiness pressed in on Twilight from all sides. Pillars, whose widths rivaled the ancient oaks of the Everfree, ran down the hall in pairs. The columns created something of a path, which led to a vaguely door-shaped speck.

As they stepped into the hall proper, Twilight half-expected to be confronted by the bitter melody of Horse’s voice. The words came unbidden, slithering through her mind.

“You dare to enter my lair? You, who turned your backs on me! Did you think I would forget? Go no further, lest you suffer my wrath!”

Twilight shook her head, shooing the fantasy away. Now was not the time. A hollow click echoed through the hall, as though the dungeon itself were agreeing with her.

The tiles beneath her forehooves gave way, and she scrambled back, just barely reaching solid ground. A quick yank of her tail, courtesy of Rainbow Dash, ensured her further, if slightly bruised, safety.

Both ponies stared dumbly as the bricks continued to fall away, a tidal wave of crumbling rock crashing across the room. Within seconds, the entirety of the floor had been replaced by a pit, rows upon rows of sharpened stone crowding its innards.

Twilight shook herself out. “How are we even going to get past that?”

Rainbow grinned, flexing her wings. “Pfff. Nothing these babies can’t handle.”

She took off like a rocket, trailing colours in her wake.

“Dash! Wait! Dash!” Twilight yelled. Whether the pegasus heard or not, she did not break her course.

Twilight tensed, her heart skipping a beat as she pictured all manners of pointy objects coming out of the columns. Objects she hoped she could deflect with her magic. But with each passing pillar, she wondered if her powers could even reach that far. Just one mistake could send Rainbow spiraling down into the pit.

Only once Dash turned around did Twilight relax and even then, not by much. Still, it proved enough to let her ire break loose. And as her friend came back into earshot, she was only too happy to let it out.

“Are you crazy?! There could have been more traps!”

“Duh! What do you think I was looking for?”

“You could have been killed!”

“Oh, come on, Twilight, I can handle myself.” Rainbow waved a hoof dismissively. “Besides, there wasn’t anything there. We’ve got this down.”

“By what definition of the phrase does that include this?” Twilight motioned toward the pit.

“You’re the one who set it off.”

“And the others?”

Dash gave an infuriating shrug. “Does it matter? We still won.”

“Yes, Dash! Stop pretending to be Daring Do! This is real life! Not Tomb of Horse! And there’s no author to bail us out if we mess it up!” Twilight shouted, slamming her hoof into the floor. “Now stop rushing into things before we wind up in more trouble!”

Both mares stared at each other, the echoes of their words lingering in the silence.

“Fine, whatever.” Rainbow Dash waved her hoof again. “We gonna get moving or what?”


Despite Dash’s iron grip and the knowledge of a clear path, Twilight had to fight the urge to squirm. As they passed over each of the jagged spikes, the stone leered up at her and she swore she could feel them nipping at her belly.

It wasn’t until after they cleared the doorway and the sweet, sweet solidness of the floor was back beneath her hooves that she finally let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding.

Rainbow gave Twilight a smug smile, continuing to hover in the room’s generous airspace. “See? No problem!”

Twilight wanted to be annoyed, but her queasy stomach demanded her attention first. As she laid down to steady herself, a loud metallic ping echoed through the room.

Her eyes darted across the floor, to a crumbling stone balcony. Unease speared into her mind, and she scrambled to her hooves. Just beyond the railing was a great black void, the empty expanse dividing her balcony from its twin.

Oh no. She forced her gaze upward, to the high ceiling, and the pulsing pink crystal she already knew would be looming above her. The smooth facets of the teardrop gem gave it a sort of beautiful elegance. But Twilight would not be charmed, for she knew its true name: Wind Eater.

“Dash, get d—oof!” Twilight cried out as she was thrown against the railing. She gasped inaudibly, struggling to untangle herself while the air blasted over her.

“Trying!” Rainbow yelled.

Twilight pushed her head up and found herself eating her own mane. She spit the strands aside as she pressed, teary-eyed, through the gale.

Rainbow Dash thrashed ferociously. But her flailing hooves and wings found no body to strike, nor air to catch. And yet its touch was very real, the ghostly grip of the storm hungrily drawing her closer and closer to the crystal.

Twilight’s mind nagged at her, pelting her with fragments of information. Average diameter four... capacity one... effective up to thirty wingpower...

She shook her head, silently reassuring herself that she was not about to let Dash be caught in a magical jail cell.

“Rainbow! Hang on!”

“To WHAT?!”

Twilight’s horn leapt to life, a magenta light encircling both it and Dash. The unicorn grunted, eyes widening as her friend continued to crawl upwards. Sweat slid down her brow, bringing a second layer of magic with it. But still she found herself losing the tug-of-war.

Her mind tripped over itself as it scrambled through page after page of Tomb of Horse.

Defiance crossed Daring’s face as she spun around and tucked her legs against her belly. She turned an eye behind her, ignoring the raging air as she watched her pith helmet come round. As it floated into alignment with the crystal above, she bucked with all her might. “Take that!”

Bracing her body on the balcony, Twilight rose. Dust ground beneath her hooves as she dug in, her magic expanding once more. She squinted, and a small bolt shot toward the gem. The attack went wide, shattering into glittering shards as it struck the ceiling. She tried again, and a third time, each attempt coming a little closer.

However, Twilight’s head was growing heavy and her knees began to buckle. A vision of Rainbow, surprise forever written on her face as she sat encased within the Wind Eater, played out in front of Twilight. Her eyes hardened. She refused to let Dash down. The beam lashed out with renewed strength, crashing into the crystal. All sound died away, and the Wind Eater’s vibrant pink sank into a deep purple.

Twilight reeled Rainbow Dash in, nearly dumping her friend on the floor before collapsing into a heap. Several minutes passed as the two just lay there, their gasps filling the room.

“I can’t believe... Daring did that... with a hat...” Twilight groaned.

Dash glanced at Twilight. “Okay. I... take it back. She... is a lot better at this.”

Twilight smirked. “You can... say that again. I hope you learned your lesson.”

“What lesson?”

Twilight tilted her head so she could give Rainbow a proper glare.

“Okay, fine, I’ll be a bit more careful,” Rainbow Dash muttered.

“Good. Now let’s go before that thing gets any more ideas.”

With a few grunts and groans, the girls struggled to their hooves and shuffled toward the far end of the balcony. There, a narrow doorway waited, its floor slanting down into darkness. Twilight noted that it probably would have been more ominous if the book hadn’t spoiled it for her.

Twilight led the way, the corridor’s tight quarters insisting they travel single file. Armed with a rock and the glow of her horn, she proceeded slowly, prodding each brick, nook and cranny. Although she could not recall the book mentioning anything about traps in the L-shaped passage, this tomb had made it quite clear the rules had gone out the window.

The slow pace kept sending her thoughts drifting back to Horse. Particularly, Daring’s encounter with her.

“Such insolence!” Horse growled. “Tell me, do you make a habit of breaking into other ponies’ homes?”

“Only the ones of ponies who may or may not exist.” Daring Do took another step forward. “I came here to learn.”

Horse let out an amused chuckle. “Is that so? Then why were you just ogling my treasure?”

“Is it so strange to think something might hold significance beyond its weight in gold?”

“Hmph. Perhaps you are not as stupid as you look, persistent one.”

“Daring Do.”

Horse was silent, although her mask remained trained on Daring. A few moments passed before she finally spoke, “You are intriguing.”

“Uh, thanks?”

“Very well. I will entertain a few questions. But do not test my patience.”

Daring nodded. “Why do you hide?”

“Did you not hear me?” Horse leaned forward menacingly.

Ah, horseapples! Think fast, Daring!

“I mean no disrespect.” Daring motioned to the room. “You have all of this. The wealth of a country. And you, yourself, are an immensely powerful being. So why hoard it all underground?”

Horse snorted. “Have you not heard the legend?”

“Two Queendoms once stood side by side, living in prosperous harmony. They were ruled by two sisters, one queen to each country. But over time, the younger saw that she was at the mercy of her sister, for the elder held the better land. Out of greed, she challenged and usurped the throne, bringing both Queendoms under her rule. But the citizens rebelled, having seen the younger’s true colours. She was cast out and left without a home,” Daring recited with practiced ease.

“If you know, then why are you wasting my time?” Horse snapped.

“Because it’s just that. A legend. I want to hear what you have to say.”

Horse was quiet again. The silence grew more and more painful as it dragged on. Daring began to wonder if the alicorn was thinking thinking, or just thinking about how best to cook her. She really wished she could do something about that mask.

“Everything crumbles," Horse replied. Her voice was low and held a certain melancholy Daring had not expected. "From the most magnificent to the tiniest of things. It’s all a matter of time. And sometimes... sometimes the one that is doing well leaves the other behind.”

Twilight nodded to herself. It could happen. In fact, it had happened. But there was always hope for a solution, which had also happened. A one thousand year old feud, and to look at Princess Celestia and Princess Luna now, it was almost as though they had never fought. She let the example linger at the back her mind. A direct confrontation with such a powerful being would no doubt end poorly. But words, now that was a more even battleground, and it was there that Twilight’s example would be her greatest weapon.

The corridor ended, leading into what was effectively a cylindrical closet. In the very centre was a rectangular stand, a series of deep cracks spider-webbing out from halfway up its base. On the floor sat a pony bust, bearing similar damage that threatened to send it falling to pieces.

Beneath the blank-eyed, featureless head lay a long band of silver, its form twisted and crushed.

Rainbow blinked, gaping at the shattered tiara. “No way. It was real?”

“Feeling nopony could understand her, Horse channeled all of her rage and sorrow into a torrent of chaotic magic. The result: a crown that makes a pony everything she is not,” Twilight recited, eyes following invisible lines just above her bangs.

“The Crown of Insanity.” Dash looked up at Twilight.

Both girls shuddered, memories of what just a little chaos can do stirring at the back of their minds.

Twilight stepped carefully around the wreckage, squeezing between the wall and the stand. Once she was clear, she did her best not to look back, keeping her eyes firmly on the opposite door. Her lips moved silently in time to her thoughts. Horse did it. The princesses would never. Horse did it. The princesses would never. Horse...

As Twilight entered the mirrored L corridor, she resumed her methodical tapping. Only once she was halfway up the passage did she finally calm her mind. With all that she’d seen, the coming confrontation was becoming less of an if and more of a when.

The hall exited onto the second of the twin balconies, and as she stepped clear of the doorway, Twilight cast a nervous glance at the ceiling. The Wind Eater remained dormant, much to her relief. Even though she knew sound should not be a factor, she leaned in close, whispering to Dash.

“No flying.”

Rainbow Dash simply nodded as they snuck across the platform and through the next door.


Horse’s entryway was yet another huge room, its ceiling as high as the grand hall was long. And once again, completely without treasure.

Dash’s wings ached, the itch to stretch them almost overwhelming. But she was willing to bet that’s just what Horse would have expected. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise her if the ceiling was loaded full of hidden Wind Eaters. So she settled for a few seconds of flexing.

A pair of giant stone slabs, although dwarfed by the roof, towered over the mares in turn. The behemoths stood against the wall, two rigid and impassive guardians barring the final corridor.

In the middle of the room was a small, pony-sized altar, as though the craftsponies hadn’t gotten the memo that this was the jumbo room. Set into its surface was a stone disc, the sun and moon carved into it with equal care and positioned so the moon faced the slabs.

Dash frowned. “No seasons? What gives?”

Twilight shook her head, circling the disc. “Maybe it’ll be easier. Like something that doesn’t involve dashing through a bunch of elemental magic.”

“Pffft, that’ll be the day. This whole place is just meant to mess with us. I betcha we open that door, and something will pop out and blast us with all four.”

Rainbow Dash gave the pedestal a suspicious glare and pressed her weight against it. Although the stone ground in protest, it was no match for her powerful hind legs. The sun spun round, and as it aligned with the two slabs, they swung open with an earth-shaking rumble.

Several feet into the new passage, tongues of flame licked up and down the wall, any hope of getting through was lost in the roiling sheets of red, orange and yellow.

Rainbow’s jaw dropped.

Twilight shifted from hoof to hoof. “It just had to be summer.”

Tremors filled the room once more, the doors slamming shut with frightening speed. The pedestal clicked again as the moon returned to its initial position.

“Let’s try that again,” Twilight mumbled, her horn lighting up. She brought the disc around, revealing that the fire had, in fact, not lost a speck of intensity. The doors swung shut, and the girls were still at square one.

Twilight took a deep breath. “I’m going in.”

Rainbow Dash blinked, staring at Twilight as though she had grown a second horn. “Seriously? Weren’t you just after me for stuff like that?”

“Yes, but this is different. It’s a necessary compromise.”

“Po-tay-to, po-taw-to. Besides, what are you even going to do in there?”

“Test the nature of the fire. One of my spells will have to tell me something.”

“Ugh... So you’re just guessing?”

“Yes, I am. And if I stay out here, we won’t have anything but. After the doors close, wait about a minute and then open them again.”

Dash tilted her head. “You really sure?”

“Yeah, I’ve got a few ideas.” Twilight smiled the kind of half-baked grin that didn’t even convince herself, let alone Rainbow.

But with no suggestions of her own, Rainbow Dash relented and set the altar to sun one more time. As the stone maw swallowed her friend, she began to pace, counting each excruciating moment in her head.

She’ll be fine. She’ll be fine, Dash told herself each time she turned around

As Rainbow continued to pace, a stone in her throat and boulder in her belly, a thought dawned on her. This must be how Twilight felt the entire time.

She closed her eyes, forcing away thoughts of her friend trapped up against the closed door.

The sixtieth second arrived, and she shot off, plowing into the pedestal and releasing all her pent up energy in one smooth motion. But the altar fought back, and Dash was thrown to the floor, landing on her butt.


She hit it again. And again. The scraping of stone demolishing stone filled her ears as the pedestal turned just the barest of degrees. She planted her hooves and spread her wings, flapping ferociously with each shove. Don’t... you dare... touch her!

With a triumphant roar, she smashed into the altar, bringing back the sun.

As the doors crept open, Dash stood tall, fighting the urge to rush forward.

Her heart leapt when they revealed a Twilight who was not only not charred or even singed, but smiling for real.

“Rainbow! Get in here! The fire stops when the door closes!”


The lair of Horse. Untold riches, their reflections painting the room gold. Pillows of the smoothest silk. Luxury as could only be provided by the most refined of magicks.

Twilight smacked herself on the forehead. The room was big. And certainly the correct hexagonal shape to be the fabled chambers of Horse. But aside from the odd vase or stray coin, she realized the pale purple emptiness was the perfect sign their dreaded confrontation was not to be. She let out a sigh of relief, scolding her imagination for getting so worked up.

She wandered into the middle of the room, leaving tracks in the ancient dust. As Twilight stood where Horse’s treasure-throne should have been, she felt a small pang of sadness. Whatever answers she had hoped to find had long since left the building.

Resigning herself to ignorance, she prodded her mind back toward the task at hoof and turned her attention to the wall opposite the entrance. A perfectly flat stone platform, protected by a largely unnecessary roof, rose up from the floor. On either side were long banners that unfurled all the way down from the ceiling. A heavy coat of brown dulled their blue background, as well as the princesses, and the sun and moon they were circling.

Dash trotted up beside her. “So... think you can make it work?”

Taking Rainbow’s question as a cue, Twilight’s imagination invoked the book, playing the passage out.

Daring held the stone high above her battered body as the magic washed over her. “Hoof of gold, show me the way!”

“In theory. With my magic, we shouldn’t need a catalyst. The rest should be the same, so...” Twilight took a deep breath. “Let’s go.”

As they approached the shrine, she kept an eye on the floor. Spears, arrows and flying sawblades. Just the thought of them launching out of the stone made her weary body tense.

Even once they ran out of ground, arriving at the centre of the shrine, she couldn’t shake the feeling. And yet, easy as it had been, there was no arguing with the results.

She glanced at Dash, who simply nodded.

“Here goes,” Twilight mumbled, the pink of her magic flooding the platform. She held her position for several seconds, letting the light grow brighter and brighter until she could hardly see. Drawing herself as tall as possible, she spoke with piercing clarity, “Hoof of gold, show me the way!”

The pink faded, leaving her panting in the middle of the shrine.

Rainbow Dash frowned. “What went wrong?”

“I... I don’t know. I’m certain I got the incantation right.” Twilight perked up. “Oh, I know! I bet we have to say it together.”

“Okay, let’s give it a shot.”

Both ponies tensed as the shrine glowed once more. When the spell reached its peak, they shouted in near unison.

“Hoof of gold, show me the way!”

The girls looked around, but neither had moved so much as an inch.

Twilight lowered her head. “I just don’t understand.”

“You don’t think it’s broken, do you?”

“No... It’s in better condition than the rest of this place combined. We have to be missing something.” Twilight placed a hoof to her chin.

“But what?”

Twilight opened her mouth, but for the first time that day she had nothing. Not a single inkling. Her ears fell. “I... I don’t know.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know?”

Years of knowledge tumbled back into her head, a tangle of ideas stewing under growing pressure. And the more Twilight stirred, the more she realized none of it was relevant. Not Daring Do, nor magical calculus or even her advanced enchantment classes.

She grimaced. “Exactly what I said.”

Dash leaned in, bringing her blank stare close enough for them to be nearly muzzle to muzzle. “But it’s a magic thingy.”

“I know that.”


Twilight flailed her forelegs. “Because I’m still learning! Okay?!”

Rainbow fell to her haunches as though struck. Twilight looked away. The silence was deafening.

“So that’s it. All this, just to get stuck at the end.” Dash said flatly, absently drawing circles with her wing.

“No. We may not have ideas, but we do have three days of rations. That’s plenty of time to think of something.”

“Um... Twilight? Actually...” Dash opened her saddlebag, giving Twilight a glimpse of the single messily wrapped hay pack and its tiny sibling of a water bottle.

“What? But I gave you a list and everything!”

“Yeah, but I had to make sure I had room for... for the, uh... treasure.” Rainbow’s voice fell away and she glanced off to the side.

Twilight blinked. “What? Is that why you went straight for that vase?”

Dash turned her attention to the outer room. “I never meant for this to happen. I mean, yeah, I wanted excitement and treasure and stuff, but I never wanted us to get stuck in Horse’s Tomb. Not that it wasn’t fun at first. And maybe I got a bit carried away. So I guess what I’m trying to say is...” Rainbow glanced back at Twilight. “I’m sorry. For everything.”

“Dash...” Twilight looked her friend in the eye. “You weren’t the only one caught up in the moment. It just... happened in different ways. And to be perfectly honest, if you hadn’t grabbed that vase, I probably would have given it a look. So you might say it would be pretty hypocritical of me if I didn’t forgive you.”

“Thanks, Twilight.” Rainbow Dash flashed her a soft smile. “Just... don’t tell the others I said that, okay?”

“Right,” Twilight said, giving her friend a knowing smirk. “So. Ready to try again?”

“Yeah! We’re going home, even if I have to dig us out brick by brick.” Rainbow leapt to her hooves.

Twilight found herself cracking a grin. She took a few steps back, eyes crawling over each piece of the shrine. And as she did, her gaze fell on a corner of dirty blue cloth.

She poked her head out and stared up at the Equestrian banner. Silently, she asked the faded alicorns for help, as though the real princesses could actually hear her. Even the barest of hints would do. Anything to get them home.

“That’s it! Home! You’re a genius!” Twilight cried out as she scrambled back to the middle platform.

Dash half-jumped, her surprise quickly turning to confusion. “What?”

“We assumed Horse’s incantation was the right one, but that’s not her banner out there.” Twilight waved a hoof at the outer room. “It’s Equestria’s!”

A pink tint washed over both ponies.

“Wait, how does that tell us the real answer?”

“The golden hoof sits dead centre in Horse’s banner. If we check that exact same place on ours, what do we get? The incantation of the princesses!” Twilight’s magic intensified, setting the shrine ablaze. “Sun and moon, show me the way!”

The light faded from existence and with it, the mares.


The orange bolt of magic lanced into the nearest heap of treasure. Less than a second later, the gold exploded outward, bowling Daring Do over and pelting her with a hail of coins, trinkets and fragments of former-trinkets.

“Whoa! What was that for?!” Daring yelled as she scrambled to her hooves.

“Your insolence, whelp! You dare compare your experience to mine?! You are as a newborn to me!” Horse’s horn lit up again.

Daring Do dove behind the nearest pile. “Really? When was the last time you were even outside?”

The treasure above erupted, more gold sailing overhead. A charred coin landed nearby, bouncing erratically until it came to rest near her hoof. Such a terrible waste... Ugh! And smell!

“You do not know her!” Horse bellowed.

Another blast rocked Daring’s cover. She stumbled to the side, narrowly avoiding the shiniest avalanche to ever fall her way.

“No, I don’t. But I have a sister too. And it didn’t take hundreds of years to find out we don’t always see eye to eye.”

Twilight’s eyes snapped open. She was lying on her back, staring up at a cracked, domed roof. She followed the curve until it met with a rounded wall. She couldn’t recall any room like it in the book.

With a groan, she pushed herself over. The floor was rather dirty, with old, dried up leaves and twigs strewn across it.

Her eyes went wide, and she leapt to her hooves. Never in her life had she been so happy to see a bunch of dead branches. And just a few yards away was a long tunnel, the unmistakable light of the sun filling its entirety with blinding whiteness.

She felt significantly lighter, like one of Pinkie’s party balloons drifting off in the breeze.

It... it worked! We did it! Wait a second, where’s Dash?

She glanced frantically about. To Twilight’s relief, Rainbow Dash was just a few feet to her right and perfectly unscathed. As Rainbow climbed to her hooves, the two ponies exchanged excited smiles.

In fact, Twilight was about to let out a whoop, when the tapping of hooves echoed in from the corridor. As she turned her head, an icy chill ran down her spine. The silhouette of an alicorn stalked toward them. It took all her willpower not to let out a different kind of cry.


Both mares broke away, Rainbow heading up and Twilight dashing for the wall closest the door.

Rainbow Dash hovered above the door, looking for all the world like she was ready to dive-bomb Horse. Twilight turned her gaze toward her friend and shook her head, which got her a raised eyebrow.

She fought desperately to get her argument straight, while at the same time mouthing ‘diplomacy’ to Dash. Rainbow frowned, but after a moment, she dropped to a less aggressive stance.

Twilight tensed, counting each step as they grew louder. And maddeningly closer.

Now? No, no, not yet... now... No, wait... Now!

Certain that any more pressure would cause her to implode, Twilight jumped in front of the door. Rainbow landed beside her with a dramatic thump.

But Twilight was not met by the grey mask of Horse. Instead, she found herself staring at strands of flowing pink, green and blue as they danced around the slender alicorn’s ivory coat. Princess Celestia wore her ever-patient smile as the sun wreathed her, creating soft highlights around each contour of her body.

Twilight’s jaw dropped, and her eyes flitted to the side, but Dash’s mirrored expression told her she wasn’t just seeing things.

“P-princess?!” the girls exclaimed.

“Hello, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash.”

You’re Horse?” Dash blurted out.

Celestia stared for a moment. “Wherever did you get that idea?”

“You know about the secret entrance.” Twilight waved a forehoof around her. “And your basement is almost exactly like Horse’s Tomb. It’s not a coincidence, is it?”

Princess Celestia shook her head. “It is not. It was once the royal treasury.”

“Treasury?! Pardon me, Princess, but were things so bad that you needed to booby trap your own castle?”

“This palace is from a less civilized time. When such a threat was necessary to discourage thieves and spies.”

Twilight stared at Celestia, opening her mouth, but unable to find the words.

“Cool,” Dash whispered.

“However, Luna and I preferred that they surrender, so our design is rather forgiving.”

Twilight tilted her head. “I don’t understand. How can death traps be forgiving?”

“Think back to each trap you triggered. How much time did you have to react? While the particularly rash could find themselves in trouble, everything here is a show of power first and foremost.”

Each room came tumbling back. For the most part, Celestia was right. But only for the most part. “What about the crushing walls? That was way too close.”

Princess Celestia eyed Twilight, then Dash. “Did you notice anything strange about the walls?”

Rainbow blinked. “Wait, that was part of the trap?”

“What?” Twilight raised an eyebrow.

“When I came back for you, the walls were slower. I thought it was just the rush of kicking it up a notch.”

Celestia shook her head.

Twilight gulped, realizing just how lucky she and Dash had been. Daring Do was definitely much better at this than them.

“Hey, but what about the Crown of Insanity?” Rainbow Dash motioned to her head. “Ponies couldn’t read about it back then, right? And what if we never got into Daring Do?”

“The crown was never a part of the plan. That was an... unfortunate addition. Regardless, it has not been able to harm anypony for a long time.”

“So if you’re not Horse, then who is?” Rainbow asked, flapping her wings a few times.

“And for that matter, why are you here?” Twilight added.

Princess Celestia let out a short chuckle. “Oh, Twilight. This castle may be abandoned, but it is still mine. As is the treasury, traps within and the associated monitoring magic. I set out as soon as the vase was moved.”

Dash shrunk a little.

“As for Horse,” Celestia continued, “she is a Daring Do character, nothing more. Even if there are some similarities between her and her author.”

Twilight’s face lit up, growing brighter with each word. “You know who wrote Daring Do? I mean, if anypony would know, you would, but I always wondered who—”

Then it hit her, and she wanted to bury her face in her hooves. A pony who felt alone and unappreciated. Hurt and despaired. Who changed her name and stewed in her anger. And knew the layout of the royal treasury like the back of her hoof. Twilight could not believe she had missed the similarities.

“Wait... it’s Princess Luna, isn’t it?”

“If only I had caught on as fast as you,” Celestia replied, a sad smile forming on her lips.

Rainbow tilted her head at Twilight. “Whoa, hold on a second. Daring Do isn’t that old, is it?”

Twilight scrunched her face. “It isn’t. But everything else fits. This doesn’t make any sense.”

“I stored her drafts until it was nearly time for her to return, so she could see them at the height of their popularity. She poured her soul into them night after night. Enough that I knew how well they would be received the first time I read them. With a single exception, they needed little editing beyond updating some of the older language.”

“Really? Which part?” Twilight and Dash asked in stereo.

“Oh, just one little incomplete section of a book. It would have been a shame to leave it unpublished because of a few missing pages.”

Twilight pondered, the contents of her favourite books flashing through her mind. Her eyes glazed over.

Daring took off her helmet and held it to her chest as she stepped into the open.

Horse hovered high in the air, the orange glow surrounding her horn ready to come down like a hungry Griffon.

“But no matter what, we still care for each other. Do you think yours is any different? The world, the same one you had a hoof in, is a beautiful place. So maybe you needed a break. Even I get tired. But do you think she would want you to give up so easily?”

Twilight snapped back to reality, a wide grin spreading across her face. “The end. It was the end of Tomb. When Daring talked Horse into giving the world another chance. That was you.”

Celestia smiled and turned toward the light. “You must be tired from your adventure. Let’s get you home.”

Author's Note:

Old reader looking for the old version? Find it at http://www.fimfiction.net/story/84664/1/treasure-old-version/treasure-old-version

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Comments ( 17 )

Excellent. I want to know more. And I want to read the entire Daring Do story. And... and THINGS.

welp I think you fleshed out the whole story quite well. I remember reading the original and I can see the similarities and changes. Good job.

Found this via Authors Helping Authors. Characterisation's spot-on, but it was over a bit quickly for my liking.

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name: Treasure
Grammar score: 10/10

- Twilight’s and Rainbow’s personalities were spot on.
- The story flowed nicely.
- The action and suspense was well written.
- Absolutely no cons at all.

Notes: This was completely brilliant. Normally with chapters over 5,000 words I find myself skimming over parts however you had me reading every word, and I thoroughly enjoyed each one. Have you thought about sending this to Equestria Daily?

If it’s not too much trouble, could you please find time to have a look and my story The Lion and the Unicorn.

Yours sincerely
- Feather Book

Thanks, I'm glad you (and the other commentators) like it. I went pretty hard editing this, so I'm happy the effort is paying off. :twilightsmile:

As for Equestria Daily, I did, in fact, send this over there. No word back yet, though.

“No, I don’t. But I have a sister too. And it didn’t take hundreds of years to find out we don’t always see eye to eye.”

I see what you (possibly) did there. :derpyderp1:

You made it! You’re on Equestria Daily! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

lol Lunar wrote Daring Do
btw why Twilight will go into the sisters' old home, walk around and think that drawing a map, writing a report about it will please one of the sisters?


For the same reason many other students will write a research paper for a prof who is an expert on a topic: to show off how much they've learned to someone who is an expert on the subject.



if twilight find out some secrets of Celestia, she's going to the outter space

This has been reviewed by the Equestrian Critics Society

Story: Treasure

Author: KuroiTsubasaTenshi

Reviewed by: Quillbit Marelor

In some ways, a true adventure fanfiction may be hard to come by. Some lack the delicate balance between action and exposition, unrealistically leaning towards one or the other. A writer shouldn’t thrust a hundred catastrophes at their readers at once or leave them devoid of any suspenseful events. Action/adventure is a tricky genre to deal with, though not impossible to handle. KuroiTsubasaTenshi’s story, Treasure, is a prime example of how this balance can be done right.

Full Review

Score: 9.5


Thanks so much for the detailed feedback. :twilightsmile:

Hiya Kuroi! Congratulations, you've made The Equestrian Critics Society's May Fic of the Month! Enjoy the spotlight. :raritywink:

Not bad. Have a thumb.

That was wonderful. Very exciting. Lovely ending.

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