Vladamir is a Haemomage, which is a pony able to manipulate blood with a special form of dark magic. As such, they are typically the villain, and have seriously distorted minds. But happens when your goals are noble? How do you prove that you are playing for the right side?
Loosely based off of Vladimir, from League of Legends. But as a good guy with the same powers.
Originally a one-shot, but if you want I will write more.
Do tell me how I did, I crave feedback. Even if you didn't like it, tell me what you think.
Also, I chose crossover because our Vladamir is on the extreme end of similar. He isn't a carbon copy, but he is pretty close. If you disagree, tell me.
Chapters (9)
Dammit, I'm trying to clop, but all these new fics stop me.
THAT SAID
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please, continue this. amazing so far, and i love antiheroes
1661453 How do you comment on EVERYTHING???? I just gotta know!
Nice story so far. Please continue.
1661666 Too much free time.
1661678 Ah. I wish I knew the feeling.
1661687 It's marvelous
1661721 I remember......................
Well... it's a story. I'm sorry, but I just don't understand the urge to transplant characters or storylines that are fundamentally incompatible with the concept of FiM.
Things such as: Organized crime. Bloodletting. Bloodtaking. Blood manipulating. Blood-based interior decoratiing. "CSI Miami"-grade puns.
The writing is not bad, but could use some work in a few areas. You use some descriptive language, but we get very little of what characters are thinking from it. Additionally, there's a lot of 'flat' writing- similar sentence structure, just basic exposition. Change up sentence style and consult a thesaurus to help with that. The pacing is rushed rushed rushed, it needs to slow down if you are to tell the tale coherently.
On the plus side, basic punctuation seems decent, and grammar is adequate. The langauge could use some flourish and sprucing up, but it is readable and does not impede the basic function of transmitting information.
Character development is needed. Vlad strikes me as a generic bad-ass Gary Stu. I'm sorry to say it, but there it is. Unique, supercool appearance? Check. Fantastic skill that does not exist in canon? Check. Effortlessly wins? Check. Bad puns? Check and check. Celestia's letter to Twilight sounds off, unless you are trying to rewrite her character as well. However, with no way to tell, the average reader will assume she's the same Celestia we know from the show. Twilight and Rarity don't say enough to stand out, so not much can be said there.
I'm going to assume the "rising" and "sunking" from pools of blood is a League of Legends thing. I have to ask the question: What is the purpose of this story? Why is it worthwhile trying to thrust a morally relativistic, dark, cruel, unhappy character into a world that is brightly lit, full of happy, positive characters who seek to resolve their differences peacefully rather than enforce vigilante justice as if they were fruit juicers repurposed by Dracula? Why put this in the world of Equestria? Why not... why not in the world of the Rugrats? Or Johnny Bravo? If there is nothing unique about Ponies that is necessary to the story, then it's worth asking if there's a story to be told in this fandom.
It may be you have a compelling idea for a plot, conflict, or resolution, but it's not revealed by this chapter. If you continue, good luck.
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Wow. Lets see what I can do to explain...
Language: A thesaurus would certainly help with the writing. I do get the feeling that I begin repeating terms and words far too often, but I keep forgetting that there is a tool to help with that. As for being rushed, writing in a cohesive storyline is still a little bit of a challenge for me. Usually I write stream-of-concious thought, or I write main points along time, and then string it together. But the jointwork is thin, often painfully so.
Character Input: I've been trying to keep it 3rd-person limited, sparesly peering into the characters minds. If you feel like more mental input would benefit the story, I will see what I can do.
Punctuation: Thankfully, one of my strong points. I like readers to know how things flow, with breaks and rests in between. You sir, are twenty percent cooler for noticing.
"Gary Stu"ism: Slightly unavoidable, especially when trying to cross a League of Legends with anything. Most of the characters from the game are all like that. Yes, there are characters like Garen (The generic Hyper-idealistic knight/prince), but then there are character's like Nocturne (A Nightmare pulled from the dreams of those it killed and bound to reality.
Celestia's letter: I tried to capture the urgent side of Celestia, the same one she took on when Discord and Sombre returned, or when Twilight "accused Cadence." If you feel is is too dark and/or serious, then I might lighten it.
Twilight/Rarity: In this chapter, they are more like background characters. If I continue, then they will stick pretty close to the original characters, but they didn't need too much embellishment for now.
Vlad's Powers: Pretty close to what he can do. I might have overdone him a little bit, but everything shown is within his power. But I may re-write him to be a little bit more close to the original fluff.
The Puns: Are they really that bad? I could try to improve those, if that would make things better...
Blood-based Interior Decorating: Red is such a beautiful color.
Organized Crime: True, the world is colorful and bright, where friendship and joy are the law, but even in utopia's, there are dissenters. Beings who would follow NMM, Or Chaos, could be examples. Going to referance Farenheight 451, by Ray Bradbury, the world is a "utopia", yet the main character isn't happy, so he does things not by the rules. These "underground forces" could be disillusioned ponies, ponies who feel like society isnt right for them.
Purpose: Well, it was originally an impulse thing. I was sitting in class when the Idea came to mind: "What if I took someone who was dark and depraved, set his goals straight, while keeping who he was intact?" I felt really cheesy about that, but I decided to try it. Originally, I had Vladimir in his respective reality, but that reality is so dark that I wouldn't be able to really convey that he was trying to be the good guy. It came out more as "He is just targeting the bad people, because he is a bloodthirsty maniac who has good morals. The public would be okay with that, because dark magics are part of everyday life," and that's not what I wanted to convey. I started flipping through realities I could accurately write, and Equestria came to mind. "Well, keeping his powers, he could be seen easily as a villain, no matter how hard he tries to be the good guy." Which then gave me my conflict for the story: He wants to be the good guy, but who he is makes it quite difficult to hold said view in the public eye. That, and the fact that the ponies have the "perfect" social system that he doesn't fit in. There is not really a spot for a "Homicidal Hero."
Does that help any? I hope I hit everything. Did I?
And thank you for the wish of luck.
1663868
Yeah, you explained your reasoning pretty well. I'll be honest and say that the premise still doesn't work for me, but that's because of my bias towards keeping some story elements out of the fandom.
I will say this: Don't change anything on my account. Write for yourself. Since this sort of story is really, really not my genre, it's not worth altering what you do to try to please someone like me. I just wanted to offer some constructive criticism while sublty influencing people to avoid some story ideas.
Oops, there goes the subtlety. Anyway, a couple of the things I mentioned I should expand on- in Celestia's letter, the phrase "gather the girls" is what didn't sound Celestia-like to me.
The puns... well, they sounded like stock vidja-game dialogue to me, but that might be my bias. If they give the feel you want to the story, use them.
Organized crime: There's a difference between being power-hungry and being part of a criminal enterprise. NMM and her minions were not part of a criminal organization; they attempted a coup d'etat and failed. CHaos as well- he's not criminal, he's insane. Beyond a sleeping sheriff in Appleloosa and the Royal Guard, there's little evidence of a pattern of crime. Maybe some theft of baked goods or misappropriation of apples, but nothing that indicates there's enough profit to get organized. Keep in mind, any crime organization is just as complex and efficient as a real business- check out the book Freakonomics some time!
I would also argue that Equestria is not a utopia in the traditional sense- it has a free market and private ownership of goods. It just benefits from the magical influence of the monarchs. And unlike a true Utopia, it seems to have some innovation going on- steam engines make an appearance in the second season (S1, the locomotive was pulled by a team of Ponies) as well as the balloon and then the airship that we see in some canon images.
THird-person perspective: More perspective would definitely help the story- it always does. TPL does not mean you don't get to see what they're thinking; it means you limit the view to just what a particular character is thinking at a particular time: "Butch saw Cassidy's gun resting in his crosshand holster. He thought it was pretty. Meanwhile, Cassidy wondered why Butch was staring at his crotch. He hated crotchstares. At the upstairs window, Mary Sue knew that Butch wasn't the crotchstaring type and also that Cassidy could draw .2 seconds faster if he'd use an underarm rig." That's Third-Person Omniscient- you float around and know what everyone is thinking instantly.
TPL woujld be more like "Butch eyed Cassidy's stance and considered the pistol resting at his waist, handle crossing his belly. Looking back up, he was startled to see Cassidy had caught him staring at the gun- the squint in his eyes and hard, thin set of his lips made Butch wonder if Cassidy was overprotective of the gun and resented his long, loving glance at the polished handles and delicate scrollwork on the cylinder.
Across the street, Cassidy was raging inside. No good rotten crotchstaring groin-ogler, I'll do for him. Ever since kindergarten and the incident with the lemon-lime soda, he'd had a fear of his crotch being stared at. He made an allowance for his faithful dog, Grumbelina, but that's because she was a bit thick. He couldn't abide anyone else resting their gaze on the residence of his jimmies- it really rustled them whenever he felt the touch of a pair of eyeballs gazing at the nexus of his thighs and torso.
Meanwhile, Mary Sue was wondering what the heck was wrong with her acquaintances- all they were doing was staring at each other. Shaking her head in exasperation, she gave up trying ot understand what the men were thinking. Her stomach rumbled. I could really stand to chaw down on a taco right now."
Each of those is TPL- it simulates the lack of knowledge we experience on a regular basis, so makes it a bit easier to build drama and suspsense- when info is witheld, it's not so obvious that you are trying to set up the reader to be surprised. If you want to challenge yourself more, stick with one perspective. Or, purposely avoid writing in the perspective of a particular character
As for powers, I think what bothers me is the dissonance. The magic in any world should be interally consistent- it's magic, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't follow rules. If it doesn't then why have any plot or conflict or anything? Magic would instantly solve it and life would be boring. Same goes for introducing a different kind of magic- it breaks the consistency of the world by upending the rules. To me, adding in elements from some other canned world (unless done very, very carefully) destroys the feel and flavor of Equestria- it makes it "not-FiM" and eradicates my primary reason for reading Pony-based fiction. A big problem is these fics end up using the features of the other world as a crutch, so the characters tend to be wooden or two-dimensional. Transplanting a character oftentimes locks you into a canned set of reactions and responses that ends up being boring.
One way I CAN see crossovers working is if you mix non-magical with magical to avoid the conflict. My favorite example of that is this story: The Thessalonica Legacy. I clicked on it fully prepared to hate it- I mean, how do you mix Battletech's hard sci-fi with FiM's soft magical lovefest? In the end, I love it- it's one of my favorite stories from both genres now, and it works because the focus ends up being less on the gear and magic than on the characters and their interaction.
And that's really the crux of storywriting, isn't it? If you're just writing about events, it's history. Write about stuff, and it's technical writing or ad copy. But write about people, and it can be literature. Stories are about relationships, growth, and reactions. All the powers and stuff and other things are just props to let you transmit feelings, emotions, and information about the characters you want to create or manipulate.
Also, long comment is long. Five-second version: This is not my kind of story, but you should write the kind of story YOU want to write. Try to write the best story you can and remember it's about the characters, not what they look like and do.
Now go fetch Grandpa some bourbon.
1664443
Thanks for the pointer on TPL, I wasn't too sure about the total number of minds allowed, and when I write TPO I sit at each scene for an agonizingly long time.
On Organized crime again, could it be that they simply extort the local businesses ("Nopony will take your goods / bash your windows if you pay our little monthly 'protection' fee. And if they should, then We'll make sure they pay."), In the traditional sense? A form of veiled threat, but they deliver on their service. Therefore illegal, but still profitable, since they can force businesses into paying. Makes sense, right?
About magical rules, I should clarify some other things. Blood magic consumes life. Usually, he uses his own blood, although he can replenish that with other's. That's why he viciously murders. Here might be a really good example (Or it may make no sense):
You are a poor limbless human. By slowly killing yourself, you can grow your limbs, but only for a limited amount of time. The feeling is exhillarating, and latches onto your addictive side, becoming like something you feel like you have to do. But in order to not die, you find out you can use other's lives too, extending your own in order to keep your limbs. Sure, you feel bad for killing others, but your brain can't handle not doing it. So you find excuses to do it. "They are evil, so it's okay."
The magic would eventually kill him, using up his own blood supplies should he not constantly acquire new blood. So he is kind of like a vampire, only with an expiration date.
Haemomages pass their magic down, user to user, passing the knowledge down with the magic, so one thing I may have hinted at on it used to be more than one, and then Celestia wiped out the other ones, believing that she had wiped out all of them. That would explain her panic, because they usually are violent and sadistic. Which was what I was trying to keep, only as a good guy, rather than a villain like that.
Does any of this make sense?
I do hope so...
Okay, it does in a way, but... remember, you don't have to justify yourself to me.
There's no "limit" on the number of viewpoints, though it helps to make it reasonable to keep things clearer. Look at the Game of Thrones series- off the top of my head, I can think of at least twenty TPL viewpoints in the story, and I know there ends up being over a thousand named characters.
I don't think changing the outward appearance or level of activity of organized crime makes a difference- whether it's presented as a paternalistic, guarded threat ala the Godfather or a ruthless Russian Mafia, it's still organized crime and I think that there's a basic thematic conflict with FiM there. But it's your story. If you want it there, put it in there. I personally think there are better worlds than Equestria for that storyline, that's all.
Same for magical rules- you're jamming an entirely different set of rules, one based off of a game that has a very, very different purpose, feel, and setting, into Equestria. Your character revels in shedding, absorbing, and fingerpainting in blood; Equestria pretty much categorically renounces and opposes interpersonal violence. The dissonance is tremendous, and it makes suspension of disbelief near-impossible.
I'm going to assume the blood usage is a gameplay aspect? I have no clue; I've never played the game, so any references to it in a story are pointless to me. That's something else to keep in mind about crossovers and audiences- if it's an unknown element, you either need to spend time explaining it or find a different way to tell the story. I could give a rave review to the Thessalonica crossover I referenced above, but if you don't knwo anytihng about Battletech, it's not interesting.
And look, you might have realized I love to argue. I don't want you to think I'm trying to be a jerk or put you down or anything- I'm not. I hope I'm coming across as civil and respectful, because while I disagree with some of the choices you make, they're yours to make. When all is said and done, I hope you get some fulfillment from the process of writing- that's the most important part of doing a fanfic (since no one is paying us to write this stuff!), whether it just be self-satisfaction or some cheering and adulation.
1665240
You've hit most of the marks with that one. Although I wasn't trying to suspend disbelief, I was reveling in the dissonance. That is a touch on the main idea: He is far too different, but what is it to try and fit in.
Also, I too love to argue. So no, I don't think you're being a jerk. If anything, this was some fun exercise.
And, you've inspired me to write a "Where he's from" chapter. Maybe, it will clean up any misconceptions as to who he is, and what his history is.
I hope your holiday has/had been merry.
A wonderful story you have here. Can't wait to hear more.
EDIT(Oh you wanted feedback. Well you did quite well from my perspective.)
I am rather inclined to agree with Muffinlord, You did very well writing this in my opinion, And for earning my respect for you as a writer, you may have a spike moustache
I like where this is going and I LOVE a good anti-hero.
Wait a butcher shop in ponyville
?
1689173
...
It's what came to mind. What if it was a gardening store?
Does that help at all?
Fixed.
ok thx
Now they know lets see what happens^^
need moar
1694077
And I am happy to comply. I seem to have some free time, let's see if I can get the next scene done...
yay
MOARRRR
Another good chapter, keep it up
I Love it, absolutely love it!
Live long, write fast
Titan
YOU FIEND
How could you end it with a cliffhanger btw can't wait for your next update on this awesome story
First..... Maybe.....
Anywho it needs a sequel.
Great ending either way
Live long, write fast,
Titan
What do we want? A SEQUEL!
When do we want it? NOW!
twilight y couldnt she just listen....
good story it just suks that it had to end that way
OHH WELL
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Alrighty then. But that brings the question: Which sequel? Thus, I've decided to let you all blind pick. We have two options, one and two. Which do you all want?
Sequel 1
Sequel 2
I vote you do both!
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Or am I going to have to do some really freaky temporal space-time warping junk?
Hmmmm is 7 an option? If not lower to the nearest choice(2)
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Well, by popular vote, sequel two is being written now. Don't worry, Rarity will still have a large part. But this one is... how shall I put it? Much more fun...
Also, for any who wonder what made it option two, I spoke with numerous personal friends who had read it but didn't have an account. Final poll:
Sequel 1: 2 votes.
Sequel 2: 4 votes.
I shouldn't be long, and I'll link the new story as an update.
1722302 yay :3
I find it odd that no-one pointed out that, had he truly been fundamentally evil, he would not have stopped and he would have killed them.
Just saying.
2778501
Well, that was the idea.
His fundamental was changing faster than he was. And his powers were granted for being fundamentally evil. When he tried to settle down, but didn't relinquish his powers, they rebelled.
Okay, I've noticed quite a few errors throughout this fic, for example:
Seems somewhat redundant.
Hooves. Also, I've noticed you use descriptors like "pretty hard" which isn't very... immersive. A better word to use would be, perhaps, "gushed" or "flowed". Also, that sign falling was an obvious a plot device, it seemed to be a bit too convenient. You could maybe add a bit when they are approaching the boutique that notes the delapidated state of the sign. Though they had just met, Rarity seems to be overly trusting of Vlad, perhaps your pacing can be improved when you are writing in future? Though I understand that this is an old piece, and your writing may have gotten better since then. However, I must say that I like the idea of the story, I just feel that it could be spread out a little longer (though I'm only on the third chapter, so I will reserve judgement for the end).
I would've thought that the Elements would only purify him, like they did with Nightmare Moon, hell, even Discord got the stone treatment. Although there are quite a few mistakes and the pacing could be better, I still quite enjoyed this story
Not bad, not bad at all.
I've seen so many stories with awesome premises be completely ruined by poor writing and grammar. From what I've read so far, this is not one of them.
I will continue to read this.
Write on,
Legion
I just realized...
His god is named Ulti.
You went there.
Write on,
Legion
I have to say that I really enjoyed this, even if it was a bit rushed.
Great job, and I will be reading the sequel.
Write on,
Legion