Trials of Vladamir

by Rennoc215

I am Vlad.

"Kneel before Vlad." The dry voice called out. Unable to fight the exhaustion, the coal colored gangster collapsed to the ground, unable to fight this coated monster. He felt an icy hoof set down on his side. "I like you. Type AB. You will make a good missionary." The gangster looked at the Pale pony, dressed in his blood colored jacket. His irises, which were vibrant red, began emitting with an eerie glow. The blood of the other gangsters, which splattered the floor, began to move closer to the coal pony, who began to struggle under the attacker's weight.

"Now, now. Sit still, don't want to end up like your unfortunate companions." He said viciously. "Now, I am going to make you just strong enough to take my message to your leaders. Tell them this: I, Vladamir, am coming for them. They should turn themselves in, lest I come for them. Tell them that." He said, before sinking into the pool of blood. The Gangster stood up, and watched in horror as the blood of his friends crawled up his legs and into his own wounds. He felt the strength seep into his veins as if he hadn't just been beaten by a strange newcomer.

Grimacing, he trotted out of the warehouse, heading to deliver the message of this terrifying newcomer.

-+-+-+-+-+-

"And just like that, he sinks away into the pool of blood, like some sort a ghost. But I swear! He is real! He told me to tell you that we should just turn ourselves in, 'lest I come after them." The gangster was terrified. The other members thought he was seriously drunk, or hallucinating, and they were all going to die, because he couldn't do anything.

"Sure he will, Blinky. Next thing we know he's just gonna pop out and drink our blood, like some sorta creep vampire." The black pegasus gangster stated mockingly.

"Nah, I'm serious. He's coming, and I think we should seriously... Urk!" The coal pony stopped mid sentence, clutching at his heart.

"Yo, Blinky? Somtin up?" The black pegasus asked, half interestedly. The rest of the gang watched with bemused gazes, watching as Blinky gasped for breath.

"My heart..." He groaned, before exploding. The surrounding gangsters screamed, if only for a moment, out of sheer surprise at being covered in the blood and bits of flesh of their own member. The group watched in absolute horror as the drops of blood started to pool on the table, flinging themselves from the gangsters in order to reconnect with the other drops. A sizable pool formed in the center of the table, and from it rose the form of a pale white pony. The remaining blood lept into the form of a brutal red cloak, adorned with a silver trim.

"My warning was fair. Now, are you ready to submit? Or does your desire to die outweigh the need to live?" The gangsters gathered their wits, and jumped from their seats, brandishing their weapons. Vladamir only smirked. "So you wish to die then." He stated simply, as if it was written in stone. To this, the gangsters charged, brandishing weapons of all varieties. They were within striking distance when Vladamir sunk into the pool of blood, and the crowd slammed together at the center, accidentally beating and stabbing each other.

When they separated, Vladamir smiled wickedly. "You're bleeding." He said, pointing to one of the bleeding gangsters. "Let me fix that for you." He rapidly pulled his hoof backwards, and the poor gangster began bleeding profusely, at a rate that left him bloodless in seconds. Vladamir pulled the newly formed sphere of blood towards him. "Ooh." He laughed. "O negative. The hospital will be happy tonight." He pulled the sphere into his cloak, and laughed again.

"In fact, You're all bleeding." He said, before jumping into the fray.

-+-+-+-+-+-

"Signed, Twilight Sparkle." Princess Celestia read aloud. She often found herself reading her student's friendship reports out loud. She smiled contently. Good for her, donating blood to help out the community, She thought.

Unfortunately, her thoughts were rudely interrupted by a pounding at her door. "Princes Celestia. We have someone who demands to see you." The guard called out.

"Send them in." she sighed. The door opened, and a battered pony in a suit stumbled in. "Yes?" She asked.

"Princess Celestia," he coughed. "An honor. I am Miller Junior, Godfather of the Ponyville Pofia." He bowed, and she narrowed her eyes. "Yes, I am a criminal. But I am too weak to do anything aggressive. Instead, I come to you for my own protection."

She raised an eyebrow at this. "Oh? And what caused the sudden desire to turn yourself in?"

He frowned. "A vigilante attacked my fellows earlier today. He killed each and every one of them that didn't agree to his terms." He laughed. "And you won't believe them. His terms were not to swear fealty to him, nor to pay him. No, he demanded that we turn ourselves in. I watched old friends die in my hooves, princess. I could handle that. But not like the way he did it."

She frowned again. "And how exactly did he kill them?"

A single tear slid down his cheek. "He was an earth pony, pale white with blood red eyes. His cloak, the same color, trimmed in silver."

"This doesn't answer my question." She interrupted.

"No, but it is important." he retorted. "An earth pony, he was. He killed them by having them bleed to death. But not slowly. No, quickly, and violently. Somepony would get cut in the melee, be lightly bleeding. His eyes would glow, an unholy red glow, and he would cause them to bleed to death as if the blood in their veins was pressurized. The blood would spurt from their wounds, and he manipulated blood like a unicorn manipulates everything. His eyes would begin glowing, and the blood could do anything. He fought with floating swords made of it. His wounds would heal at the touch of it. He would sink into a pool of it, and step out of another pool. His cloak could be torn, yet he would mend it with a spurt of the stuff."

"Miller," She interrupted. "You are safe now. The guards will take you to prison, but at least there, you will be safe."

"Thank you, princess." He said with a bow. "I hope you take care of this monster." He turned to leave, opened the door, and walked out, escorted by a guard. Celestia turned away with a frown. Reaching out, she grasped a quill and parchment, and set down to write.

"Dear Twilight Sparkle. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this is important. Gather the girls, they need to hear this to. In your midst is a haemeomage, a pony who uses horrid dark magic. One has come to your town of ponyville, and I am asking you to all to keep an eye out for any new pony. These sorcerers are often dark, twisted, and bloodthirsty. I know it will be a long time, but I hope to have someone sketch him to help you all find him..."

-+-+-+-+-+-

"Sincerely, Princess Celestia." Twilight finished. She lowered the scroll to examine each of her friend's faces, finding mixed looks of fear and confusion on the majority of their faces. "Well girls, you heard the princess. Keep an eye out for anypony suspicious."

-+-+-+-+-+-

Vlad was enjoying his stroll in the ponyville park, listening to the birds singing and watching the clouds, when he ran into somepony, knocking him down. "Oh, I'm so sorry!" She said, reaching a helping hoof his way. He examined this new specimen, a beautiful mare with a white coat and a perfectly styled purple mane. "I was rushing past, fretting over the new sense of fashion, when I accidentally ran you down. Is there anything that I can do to help you?"

He stood up. "Please, Miss, calm down. I was just enjoying the scenery. Not many birds in the mountains." He looked down at her. "I'm sorry, mam, I didn't catch your name."

"It's Rarity, darling. And yours?"

"Vladamir. Please, call me Vlad." He said with a smile.

Comments

[Regidar]

Dammit, I'm trying to clop, but all these new fics stop me.

THAT SAID

League of Legends

25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb8qf6jTxX1rghk61o1_500.gif

[Cryoflame]

please, continue this. amazing so far, and i love antiheroes

[Everwinter]

1661453 How do you comment on EVERYTHING???? I just gotta know!

Nice story so far. Please continue.

[Regidar]

1661666 Too much free time.

[Everwinter]

1661678 Ah. I wish I knew the feeling.

[Regidar]

1661687 It's marvelous

[Everwinter]

1661721 I remember......................

[Featherprop]

Well... it's a story. I'm sorry, but I just don't understand the urge to transplant characters or storylines that are fundamentally incompatible with the concept of FiM.

Things such as: Organized crime. Bloodletting. Bloodtaking. Blood manipulating. Blood-based interior decoratiing. "CSI Miami"-grade puns.

The writing is not bad, but could use some work in a few areas. You use some descriptive language, but we get very little of what characters are thinking from it. Additionally, there's a lot of 'flat' writing- similar sentence structure, just basic exposition. Change up sentence style and consult a thesaurus to help with that. The pacing is rushed rushed rushed, it needs to slow down if you are to tell the tale coherently.

On the plus side, basic punctuation seems decent, and grammar is adequate. The langauge could use some flourish and sprucing up, but it is readable and does not impede the basic function of transmitting information.

Character development is needed. Vlad strikes me as a generic bad-ass Gary Stu. I'm sorry to say it, but there it is. Unique, supercool appearance? Check. Fantastic skill that does not exist in canon? Check. Effortlessly wins? Check. Bad puns? Check and check. Celestia's letter to Twilight sounds off, unless you are trying to rewrite her character as well. However, with no way to tell, the average reader will assume she's the same Celestia we know from the show. Twilight and Rarity don't say enough to stand out, so not much can be said there.

I'm going to assume the "rising" and "sunking" from pools of blood is a League of Legends thing. I have to ask the question: What is the purpose of this story? Why is it worthwhile trying to thrust a morally relativistic, dark, cruel, unhappy character into a world that is brightly lit, full of happy, positive characters who seek to resolve their differences peacefully rather than enforce vigilante justice as if they were fruit juicers repurposed by Dracula? Why put this in the world of Equestria? Why not... why not in the world of the Rugrats? Or Johnny Bravo? If there is nothing unique about Ponies that is necessary to the story, then it's worth asking if there's a story to be told in this fandom.

It may be you have a compelling idea for a plot, conflict, or resolution, but it's not revealed by this chapter. If you continue, good luck.

[Rennoc215]

1662454
Wow. Lets see what I can do to explain...

Language: A thesaurus would certainly help with the writing. I do get the feeling that I begin repeating terms and words far too often, but I keep forgetting that there is a tool to help with that. As for being rushed, writing in a cohesive storyline is still a little bit of a challenge for me. Usually I write stream-of-concious thought, or I write main points along time, and then string it together. But the jointwork is thin, often painfully so.

Character Input: I've been trying to keep it 3rd-person limited, sparesly peering into the characters minds. If you feel like more mental input would benefit the story, I will see what I can do.

Punctuation: Thankfully, one of my strong points. I like readers to know how things flow, with breaks and rests in between. You sir, are twenty percent cooler for noticing.

"Gary Stu"ism: Slightly unavoidable, especially when trying to cross a League of Legends with anything. Most of the characters from the game are all like that. Yes, there are characters like Garen (The generic Hyper-idealistic knight/prince), but then there are character's like Nocturne (A Nightmare pulled from the dreams of those it killed and bound to reality.

Celestia's letter: I tried to capture the urgent side of Celestia, the same one she took on when Discord and Sombre returned, or when Twilight "accused Cadence." If you feel is is too dark and/or serious, then I might lighten it.

Twilight/Rarity: In this chapter, they are more like background characters. If I continue, then they will stick pretty close to the original characters, but they didn't need too much embellishment for now.

Vlad's Powers: Pretty close to what he can do. I might have overdone him a little bit, but everything shown is within his power. But I may re-write him to be a little bit more close to the original fluff.

The Puns: Are they really that bad? I could try to improve those, if that would make things better...

Blood-based Interior Decorating: Red is such a beautiful color.

Organized Crime: True, the world is colorful and bright, where friendship and joy are the law, but even in utopia's, there are dissenters. Beings who would follow NMM, Or Chaos, could be examples. Going to referance Farenheight 451, by Ray Bradbury, the world is a "utopia", yet the main character isn't happy, so he does things not by the rules. These "underground forces" could be disillusioned ponies, ponies who feel like society isnt right for them.

Purpose: Well, it was originally an impulse thing. I was sitting in class when the Idea came to mind: "What if I took someone who was dark and depraved, set his goals straight, while keeping who he was intact?" I felt really cheesy about that, but I decided to try it. Originally, I had Vladimir in his respective reality, but that reality is so dark that I wouldn't be able to really convey that he was trying to be the good guy. It came out more as "He is just targeting the bad people, because he is a bloodthirsty maniac who has good morals. The public would be okay with that, because dark magics are part of everyday life," and that's not what I wanted to convey. I started flipping through realities I could accurately write, and Equestria came to mind. "Well, keeping his powers, he could be seen easily as a villain, no matter how hard he tries to be the good guy." Which then gave me my conflict for the story: He wants to be the good guy, but who he is makes it quite difficult to hold said view in the public eye. That, and the fact that the ponies have the "perfect" social system that he doesn't fit in. There is not really a spot for a "Homicidal Hero."

Does that help any? I hope I hit everything. Did I?

And thank you for the wish of luck.

[Featherprop]

1663868

Yeah, you explained your reasoning pretty well. I'll be honest and say that the premise still doesn't work for me, but that's because of my bias towards keeping some story elements out of the fandom.

I will say this: Don't change anything on my account. Write for yourself. Since this sort of story is really, really not my genre, it's not worth altering what you do to try to please someone like me. I just wanted to offer some constructive criticism while sublty influencing people to avoid some story ideas.

Oops, there goes the subtlety. Anyway, a couple of the things I mentioned I should expand on- in Celestia's letter, the phrase "gather the girls" is what didn't sound Celestia-like to me.

The puns... well, they sounded like stock vidja-game dialogue to me, but that might be my bias. If they give the feel you want to the story, use them.

Organized crime: There's a difference between being power-hungry and being part of a criminal enterprise. NMM and her minions were not part of a criminal organization; they attempted a coup d'etat and failed. CHaos as well- he's not criminal, he's insane. Beyond a sleeping sheriff in Appleloosa and the Royal Guard, there's little evidence of a pattern of crime. Maybe some theft of baked goods or misappropriation of apples, but nothing that indicates there's enough profit to get organized. Keep in mind, any crime organization is just as complex and efficient as a real business- check out the book Freakonomics some time!

I would also argue that Equestria is not a utopia in the traditional sense- it has a free market and private ownership of goods. It just benefits from the magical influence of the monarchs. And unlike a true Utopia, it seems to have some innovation going on- steam engines make an appearance in the second season (S1, the locomotive was pulled by a team of Ponies) as well as the balloon and then the airship that we see in some canon images.

THird-person perspective: More perspective would definitely help the story- it always does. TPL does not mean you don't get to see what they're thinking; it means you limit the view to just what a particular character is thinking at a particular time: "Butch saw Cassidy's gun resting in his crosshand holster. He thought it was pretty. Meanwhile, Cassidy wondered why Butch was staring at his crotch. He hated crotchstares. At the upstairs window, Mary Sue knew that Butch wasn't the crotchstaring type and also that Cassidy could draw .2 seconds faster if he'd use an underarm rig." That's Third-Person Omniscient- you float around and know what everyone is thinking instantly.

TPL woujld be more like "Butch eyed Cassidy's stance and considered the pistol resting at his waist, handle crossing his belly. Looking back up, he was startled to see Cassidy had caught him staring at the gun- the squint in his eyes and hard, thin set of his lips made Butch wonder if Cassidy was overprotective of the gun and resented his long, loving glance at the polished handles and delicate scrollwork on the cylinder.

Across the street, Cassidy was raging inside. No good rotten crotchstaring groin-ogler, I'll do for him. Ever since kindergarten and the incident with the lemon-lime soda, he'd had a fear of his crotch being stared at. He made an allowance for his faithful dog, Grumbelina, but that's because she was a bit thick. He couldn't abide anyone else resting their gaze on the residence of his jimmies- it really rustled them whenever he felt the touch of a pair of eyeballs gazing at the nexus of his thighs and torso.

Meanwhile, Mary Sue was wondering what the heck was wrong with her acquaintances- all they were doing was staring at each other. Shaking her head in exasperation, she gave up trying ot understand what the men were thinking. Her stomach rumbled. I could really stand to chaw down on a taco right now."

Each of those is TPL- it simulates the lack of knowledge we experience on a regular basis, so makes it a bit easier to build drama and suspsense- when info is witheld, it's not so obvious that you are trying to set up the reader to be surprised. If you want to challenge yourself more, stick with one perspective. Or, purposely avoid writing in the perspective of a particular character
As for powers, I think what bothers me is the dissonance. The magic in any world should be interally consistent- it's magic, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't follow rules. If it doesn't then why have any plot or conflict or anything? Magic would instantly solve it and life would be boring. Same goes for introducing a different kind of magic- it breaks the consistency of the world by upending the rules. To me, adding in elements from some other canned world (unless done very, very carefully) destroys the feel and flavor of Equestria- it makes it "not-FiM" and eradicates my primary reason for reading Pony-based fiction. A big problem is these fics end up using the features of the other world as a crutch, so the characters tend to be wooden or two-dimensional. Transplanting a character oftentimes locks you into a canned set of reactions and responses that ends up being boring.

One way I CAN see crossovers working is if you mix non-magical with magical to avoid the conflict. My favorite example of that is this story: The Thessalonica Legacy. I clicked on it fully prepared to hate it- I mean, how do you mix Battletech's hard sci-fi with FiM's soft magical lovefest? In the end, I love it- it's one of my favorite stories from both genres now, and it works because the focus ends up being less on the gear and magic than on the characters and their interaction.

And that's really the crux of storywriting, isn't it? If you're just writing about events, it's history. Write about stuff, and it's technical writing or ad copy. But write about people, and it can be literature. Stories are about relationships, growth, and reactions. All the powers and stuff and other things are just props to let you transmit feelings, emotions, and information about the characters you want to create or manipulate.

Also, long comment is long. Five-second version: This is not my kind of story, but you should write the kind of story YOU want to write. Try to write the best story you can and remember it's about the characters, not what they look like and do.

Now go fetch Grandpa some bourbon.

[Rennoc215]

1664443

Thanks for the pointer on TPL, I wasn't too sure about the total number of minds allowed, and when I write TPO I sit at each scene for an agonizingly long time.

On Organized crime again, could it be that they simply extort the local businesses ("Nopony will take your goods / bash your windows if you pay our little monthly 'protection' fee. And if they should, then We'll make sure they pay."), In the traditional sense? A form of veiled threat, but they deliver on their service. Therefore illegal, but still profitable, since they can force businesses into paying. Makes sense, right?

About magical rules, I should clarify some other things. Blood magic consumes life. Usually, he uses his own blood, although he can replenish that with other's. That's why he viciously murders. Here might be a really good example (Or it may make no sense):

You are a poor limbless human. By slowly killing yourself, you can grow your limbs, but only for a limited amount of time. The feeling is exhillarating, and latches onto your addictive side, becoming like something you feel like you have to do. But in order to not die, you find out you can use other's lives too, extending your own in order to keep your limbs. Sure, you feel bad for killing others, but your brain can't handle not doing it. So you find excuses to do it. "They are evil, so it's okay."

The magic would eventually kill him, using up his own blood supplies should he not constantly acquire new blood. So he is kind of like a vampire, only with an expiration date.

Haemomages pass their magic down, user to user, passing the knowledge down with the magic, so one thing I may have hinted at on it used to be more than one, and then Celestia wiped out the other ones, believing that she had wiped out all of them. That would explain her panic, because they usually are violent and sadistic. Which was what I was trying to keep, only as a good guy, rather than a villain like that.

Does any of this make sense? I do hope so...

[Featherprop]

Okay, it does in a way, but... remember, you don't have to justify yourself to me.

There's no "limit" on the number of viewpoints, though it helps to make it reasonable to keep things clearer. Look at the Game of Thrones series- off the top of my head, I can think of at least twenty TPL viewpoints in the story, and I know there ends up being over a thousand named characters.

I don't think changing the outward appearance or level of activity of organized crime makes a difference- whether it's presented as a paternalistic, guarded threat ala the Godfather or a ruthless Russian Mafia, it's still organized crime and I think that there's a basic thematic conflict with FiM there. But it's your story. If you want it there, put it in there. I personally think there are better worlds than Equestria for that storyline, that's all.

Same for magical rules- you're jamming an entirely different set of rules, one based off of a game that has a very, very different purpose, feel, and setting, into Equestria. Your character revels in shedding, absorbing, and fingerpainting in blood; Equestria pretty much categorically renounces and opposes interpersonal violence. The dissonance is tremendous, and it makes suspension of disbelief near-impossible.

I'm going to assume the blood usage is a gameplay aspect? I have no clue; I've never played the game, so any references to it in a story are pointless to me. That's something else to keep in mind about crossovers and audiences- if it's an unknown element, you either need to spend time explaining it or find a different way to tell the story. I could give a rave review to the Thessalonica crossover I referenced above, but if you don't knwo anytihng about Battletech, it's not interesting.

And look, you might have realized I love to argue. I don't want you to think I'm trying to be a jerk or put you down or anything- I'm not. I hope I'm coming across as civil and respectful, because while I disagree with some of the choices you make, they're yours to make. When all is said and done, I hope you get some fulfillment from the process of writing- that's the most important part of doing a fanfic (since no one is paying us to write this stuff!), whether it just be self-satisfaction or some cheering and adulation.

[Rennoc215]

1665240

You've hit most of the marks with that one. Although I wasn't trying to suspend disbelief, I was reveling in the dissonance. That is a touch on the main idea: He is far too different, but what is it to try and fit in.

Also, I too love to argue. So no, I don't think you're being a jerk. If anything, this was some fun exercise.

And, you've inspired me to write a "Where he's from" chapter. Maybe, it will clean up any misconceptions as to who he is, and what his history is.

I hope your holiday has/had been merry.