Falling
Scootaloo trotted up to the foundry, her mind was a little fuzzy. To say she had gotten no sleep that night would be perfectly accurate. The three of them had watched the dawn rise and sleep never once crossed their minds. The lack of rest seemed to be catching up to her now though. A pegasus chariot was sitting with its two attendants outside the shop and she had no good explanation for it.
“What’s with the chariot?” she asked as the bell on the door announced her arrival.
Swage poked his head out from the kitchen, “You got a better way to Cloudsdale?”
“No,” she uttered in confusion, turning to look out the window at the two waiting pegasi.
“Scoots... What’s on your flank?” Swage asked with an impish tone.
The question prompted a head to appear out of the study. “Well, congratulations!” Quench chimed. “I want the full story later, but you two need to get going. They charge by the minute you know.”
Swage trotted out into the shop, taking a heavy-looking saddlebag from Quench’s levitation as he passed. “He’s right, come on lets go”
“I’d like to buy a clue.” The filly deadpanned.
“Hmm, Oh sorry.” Swage apologized. “Your talismans are done, I’m going to get you flying today, but we need to go to Cloudsdale for the last ingredient.”
This was all a bit too much for Scootaloo. Trapped between shock and exhaustion she quietly followed the older pegasus to the awaiting transport.
- - -
Swage smiled at the animated filly as she narrated the events of the previous night. “... It was like some part of me connected with the tree, we could move each other. The dance, the song, and all the little decorations seemed to give it a direction.” Scootaloo’s attention drifted and her gaze fell over the railing of the carriage. “I still can’t really explain it. It was exhilarating. I... I just can’t find words for it or stop thinking about it.”
He knew the look in Scootaloo’s eyes, obsession. She had found something that captured her heart and soul; dancing and magic, what a combination for a pegasus to have. He was a little sad, he would be losing his office mare soon. Though, he was glad to see her starting to find her own way.
A shape caught his attention on the horizon. Nudging Scootaloo, he pointed to a thick cloud bank, “There it is, Cloudsdale.”
///
Scootaloo watched from the chariot as Swage paid his tab and scheduled the return trip. While he had jumped upon the cloud-world the moment they had stopped moving, she had yet to steel herself for the leap of faith. She had been on clouds before, but the one Swage had played with was the largest until now.
“Alright Scoots, lets get going,” the older pegasus called.
There was six kilometers of air between her and the ground. She took the leap of faith true to its name. Eyes tight shut and breath held, she sprang from her perch and dove with all four legs into the nimbus matter. She landed hard enough that it hurt a little. The cloud was as firm as damp soil to her. Eyes open she scampered to catch up with Swage, craning her head in every direction to take in her new surroundings. “So what exactly are we here for?” she asked
“Well, I need an air elemental and they only roam the upper clouds and winds. So we’re going to Anvil Head park and see if we can scoop up a little one.” Swage told her wistfully as he scanned his surroundings.
Again, the answer to her question only made her more confused “How do you catch an elemental? Isn’t it going to be mad about it?”
Swage turned a corner of the meandering sky city. It was evident to the young pegasus that, while some concessions were made for wingless ponies, the city was meant to be flown around, not walked through. Her next question was going to be where this park was. But, that was answered by the vista of a massive anvil shaped cloud towering above the far side of the city. With the exception of the weather factory on the other end of the city, it was the highest point she had seen.
“Common elementals are more like plants than animals, just made of pure magic. I’m going to seal it in your left wing,” came the belated answer to her question.
“Pardon?” she blurted.
“The talismans I made you. They go on like your bangles. They’re what gave me this idea in the first place.” Swage looked back to check her reaction to the information, she seemed to be digesting it with concern. “The right ring is a bit more complicated, It will blur the line between you and the elemental; allow you to use its magic.” The one winged pegasus stopped to face her. “And tomorrow I’m using that same technique to bind the wing in my shop to me.” He beamed.
“What about helping other ponies?” Scootaloo asked blankly
His smile only redoubled at the question, “Quench is good, he’s already learned what I can teach him about the spell-half of the process. And this won't stop me from making the parts. It’ll take a few months, but maybe we can have our first new clients by Hearth's Warming.”
Something caught his attention out of the corner of his eye. Jerking his attention towards it, “No way, they're still in business!” he exclaimed.
Scootaloo followed the over-sized foal as he made straight for a group of market stalls, eventually stopping at a whimsical looking booth simply labeled ‘snow creams’.
“Dessert first, then lunch.” he told her as he exchanged bits for slush filled cones. “We’ll be a while getting to where we’re going, don’t want to get hungry.”
- - -
The two flightless pegasus were exhausted by the time they reached the flat of the anvil head cloud. The tall rolling mountain of clouds gave an impressive view of the pegasus city, it also suffered stronger winds that most of the city did. It was these wild winds that brought the enchanter here, prime hunting ground for the elemental that Scootaloo would soon play host to.
Swage surveyed the white rolling field and picked a spot to rest. Unfurling a rug from his pack he laid it down. It was an extremely common sort of thing. Nothing more than thick cloth with a weak cloud-touch spell bound to it. But, today it was invaluable to him; it would be his only place to lay tools. Unfortunately the enchantment it held also caused some eddies in the aether around it, so the work would have to be done just a few steps away.
The carefully prepared rings were pulled from their case. Each made of an alloy whose formula was as old as enchanting itself, a careful blend of gold and copper. The fresh cast alloy so was malleable on the aether that even a stray thought would be recorded within in it. He had spent two nights working on each of them, shaping them by force of will as much as heat and tools. Their aura skillfully crafted. One, the vessel of a very special spell and one to ensnare a wild air elemental.
Each was just a bit bigger than needed to go around the base of Scootaloo’s wing, giving room to grow and still leaving them a loose fit. The rings were not yet perfect, rather having ends that were flattened and overlapping. The overlapping sections had a small hole through them, a home for the rivet that would bind the ends together forevermore.
Laying them on the rug he placed the two rivets along side the ring they belong to, each in a vial Quench had prepared for them. A simple spell would turn the rivets white hot the moment the seal was broken. A few tongs, a hammer, and a hoof-sized steel block were then produced from his saddlebag.
Swage noticed that Scootaloo’s excitement had again turned to anxiety. “So, how’s this going to work? What do you need me to do?” she asked.
He knew the better she understood the process the less nervous she would be. Pulling one last object from his bag, he laid a heavy cotton cloth over one of his forelegs. “I’ll wrap your wing and withers with this cloth, so I don’t accidently burn you.” Taking the steel block, he laid it on the cloth he was holding and took up one of the rings in his free hoof. “Then I’ll put a hot rivet through the holes in the ring and hit it with a hammer against the block”
She didn’t seem to like the idea of being on the receiving end of a hammer blow, which was understandable. “Don’t worry I’m not hitting very hard and the block will take the brunt of it. It’ll just feel like a pat on the back. Laying down the ring for the hammer, he rapped the block to demonstrate the amount of force he would be using.
“OK,” she blurted. “I’m ready when you are.” She seemed to have her confidence back, though he knew she was still a bit on edge.
Giving her a nod, he laid the towel across her withers and tucked it around the base of her wings. Taking her brass bangles off, he replaced them with the Orichalcum bands, that he would soon bind to her with rivets and magic. Grabbing the rivet vial and the tools, he moved away from the rug.
The first ring was the easy one. It only needed to be stitched into her aura. Separating that stranger portion of himself from its old form, he grasped at the white-hot rivet as it slid out of its vial. A simple spell bound it to the filly and a sharp blow of the hammer, the rivet, ring, and filly, became one.
“You ok?” He asked, relaxing before trying the much more daunting second part.
“Yea, felt a bit strange, but I’m good,” her voice held more confidence than it had earlier.
Returning to the rug he fetched the next ring and rivet. He took a moment to sit and let his energies settle. When he returned to Scootaloo he had to be at his best, it was going to be a wild ride in the best case.
- - -
Scootaloo felt the enchanter resettle the rag and block on her back. Looking over her shoulder she could see the pegasus had his eyes closed. A moment later, the severed limb shot sparks of magic as a glowing mass emanated out of it. It was no different that what she had seen every unicorn produce before a spell, but something unsettled her.
The smithy poured every ounce of himself into the strange part that could peel away. Tools held in wing and hoof, eyes shut against distractions, he began the ordeal. There would be an elemental here somewhere. He spread the energy of his phantom wing as wide as he could. If only he had a unicorn’s sight, he could simple catch it like a butterfly. Instead, he was casting a net made of his very soul, in hopes of feeling one.
He strained at his inner reserves forcing the net wider. Holding the effort was exhausting. Fear loomed over him that he would lose focus and drop the spell and he didn’t know if he had the strength to try again today; then something tugged at the net. His consciousness raced through the spell’s wires until it found the cause. He had found his prey, the kilometer-wide web collapsed like an umbrella. All the points finding their home in his target.
He had the energy firmly in his grasp now. In steady measure, he began the process of dragging it back to him through the aether. It fought him every inch of the way back as he pulled it toward him. But, in little time he had it pressed against himself. The raw energy of the elemental air writhed against him, trying to flee back into the wild winds from which it had been plucked.
Splitting his energies, he kept hold of the elemental with one thought, while turning to the ring with another. The moment of truth came with frightful speed. Forcing a part of the elemental into the ring, he felt the ripples of the other ring’s spell grab and meld it together with Scootaloo’s aura. Now he had only to seal the thing. Cracking the vial he dropped the rivet in place and raised his hammer. One swift blow and this would be done.
Time slowed to nonexistence as Swage felt the astral entity blaze in power. Horror gutted him as he felt the elemental pull back through his hooves; dragging with it, what little pegasus magic Scootaloo had. The spell had done it’s job, but the elemental had it’s own ideas on who was keeping what.
The thing slipped free of him, leaving Scootaloo without any magic. The filly would be dead in another heartbeat if he didn’t do something.
He jammed that stranger portion of himself into the ring and he felt the bite of the merging spell. His head spun, but he managed to drive the hammer home and set the rivet. It hurt in the familiar way all smiths know, like when accidentally hitting a limb with your own hammer.
///
All the hair on her body stood on end as she felt some great force brush against her. She felt the enchanter fidget with the ring and block on her back, then heard the glass break on the vial. Suddenly she was acutely aware of every little wind and air current around her, something was happening and it felt wonderful; she had never felt so alive.
Then it all slipped away as everything drained out of her, black threatened to overtake her vision and her heart labored to beat. She was dying, but she did not.
Life sprang back into her and she again knew the wind moved all around her. Something brushed against her and movement caught her attention. She turned, expecting the excited face of her friend, but found nothing but a hole in the cloud next to her.
She didn’t think, she just jumped. Through the cloud she fell, but falling wasn’t fast enough. She buzzed her wings, but their old rhythm was gone. Her wings grabbed far more air than they should have. In place of the hummingbird like beats she had always known, was a hard steady beat; the two rings sounding out each flap.
Clearing the bottom of the cloud she could finally see Swage, lifeless and falling. A few more hard pushes. Muscles, before unknown to her, burned like fire. Just a little closer.... She willed her wings to push at the air harder and reached out till she felt her shoulder wanting to come loose of its socket. The distance shortened by inches till she had finally crossed it. Clutching him tightly, she began to fight gravity. But, he was heavy and she had been running on pure instinct and adrenalin. They were falling together now. She could only do her best to slow the descent.
///
Swage blinked and the world changed. Strange colors replaced the ones he knew. The sky was lifeless black, save for the harsh sun. Scootaloo glowed like a fire and the rings on her back shone like stars. Writhing electric fibers twisted around the talismans and into the filly.
His confusion compounded when he felt something pass through him and into the cloud under him. Looking between his own legs, he gawked as he watched his own body plunge lifelessly through the cloud. ‘I’m dead’
He was watching himself fall, when something else passed through him. It was Scoots this time; she had jumped after him. Before he could even process this new event, an invisible force jerked him down into the hole. Some heavy chain was dragging him to the earth far below.
He watched Scoots chase his corpse. He was rather proud of her, she was flying rather well for her first real try. He only hoped she didn’t over do it and lose control.
Instinct told him to look up, they were being chased. A wicked looking beast was chasing them to the ground. He felt it more that he saw it. It was what he had tried to bind to Scoots. But, that was no mindless elemental. In his blindness he a found a beast of the Aether; a thing made of magic and shadow.
It was gaining fast, in only a moment it had not only passed him, but Scoots too. The filly had just caught his lifeless form when the beast slammed into it and vanished within.
///
Scootaloo did her best to just hold her wings out and glide. She didn’t need to fly, just not fall. Despite her achievements, the idea of landing the both of them was not something she was looking forward to. It was no small relief when the limp pegasus started to twitch, then move his wings.
‘Wings!’ she let go in shock, tumbling a small distance before re-stabilizing her flight. Gawking, she stared at the leathery bat wing that now lived where nothing had been before.
///
His falling had arrested along with that of his body. Now hanging in the air, he pondered what was happening to his old shell. It had been dull and lifeless, but the impact of the creature had given it a glow. His old wound crackled with energy he could not see through. A slight pull suddenly made him aware that there was a fine silver thread still connecting him to his body. The cord was what had made him follow it in the fall and it was now reeling him back in.
He merged into his old form, like two bubbles becoming one. Except now everything was black. He was still aware, but confined to infinite darkness.
///
“That fool has given me a body,” came a strange voice from her friends lips.
Something deep inside her twisted. She knew she was in the presence of evil. “You’re not Swage.” she accused more than asked.
“I am not. I was going to take your body, but that enchantment stopped me. Instead I just took all your magic as a snack.”
Scootaloo hovered in place watching the malevolent grin warp her friends face, she had no idea what to do. “But... Where’s Swage?” she whimpered.
“Dead.” he blurted. Turning his back to her, he flew away.
She refused the explanation. Leaning forward she took to chase the abomination. She was tired, but she ignored her aches. Whatever had happened to Swage it was the result of magic and magic would be needed to fix it. She had to try, no matter what.
The creature that had taken Swage’s body gave her no mind as she caught up to him. The rings on her back sang like a war drum. He saw her as no threat and he had better places to be.
Scootaloo’s mind wandered back to the tree the night before. There, her friends had made everything so easy. The connection just happened, like the spirit of the tree had invited her in. Now she was trying to force the connection and she didn’t even know how to start. Closing her eyes, she reached out like Swage had taught her to when feeling for the wind. Except now she was probing for her friend. She felt something familiar through all the strange new sensations. Swage stirred within the strange beast that possessed his body. ‘He’s still alive!’
Urgency slipped into her. She had to do something and fast. The creature was getting more comfortable with its new body by the second. Soon she would have no hope of keeping up with it.
///
Two bells rang out somewhere off in the darkness. Swage turned to face the sound as best he could assume direction within the void. Something reached out and touched him, it was warm and friendly; a stark contrast to the cold black that engulfed him. The ringing grew louder and sharper till it started cracking the blackness. Light and sounds filtered through the breaks in the void. He caught flashes of Scootaloo flying near him.
“You will sleep now and forever” a crackling voice commanded him from the dark as the slivers of the world outside sealed back shut. The darkness weighed heavy on him and sleep pulled at him.
///
The little wisp of her friends presence winked out.
Heart pounding staccato to her wings, mind blank, determination fixed, she simply acted. Her will pressed upon the hollow spot where she believed swage still lived. Her spirit swelled and commanded her movements. She dove at the creature, landing on its back and pinning the two mismatched wings to its body; the creature wailed in surprise. Bringing her own wings close and high, like she had seen Rainbow Dash do during her high-speed dives, she gave up all effort to fly. They were at the mercy of gravity, but she could still steer the decent.
“You’ll kill us all!” shouted the monster she was clutching.
‘Don’t think... Feel.’ Her heart pounded, she altered the angle of one wing and spun wild. The monster flailed in her grasp. She did not resist the violence, instead becoming part of the creatures movements. Their descent twisted and whirled through the sky. Sometimes gaining altitude, sometimes dropping like a stone.
///
Swage was in a wonderful dreamless sleep when he felt somepony shaking him awake. Wordless but frantic, they wanted him awake. Consciousness crept back into him as he tried to open his eyes. If he had opened them or not he couldn’t tell, his world was black and was bone-achingly cold like he had never felt before.
The touch shaking him changed. The presence was still pressed against him, but now it wrapped him in a tight embrace. The warmth clung to him desperately and he reached back to pull the life-giving heat closer to him. Breathing in deep, the cold non-air of the void was replaced with warmth.
///
Scootaloo’s eyes were glazed as the ground approached fast. The wild aerobatics was all she knew. The beast cursed and thrashed in her grip. Despite all of its efforts to escape, she only pulled it tighter, mind and body.
Then a spark deep within the thing she was holding pulled her closer. Not physically, but on that stranger level she was just learning about.
Her body followed her heart as she threw out her wings as far as they could go, grabbing all the air possible and then some. They had been falling fast and now she traded the speed for lift. The two rocketed back into the sky. Scootaloo’s eyes watered from the pain of her wings. She pushed the pain far from her consciousness, only her and the abomination existed.
The rings sang as she added force to the climb. She didn’t have Sweetie Belle’s voice to move her, they would have to do. Higher they went till Cloudsdale receded below them. Applebloom was not here to create an inspiring setting, she would have to find her own. It was higher than any pegasus had a right to go, but she pushed on. Where her strength came from she didn’t know and she didn’t ask.
Magic transcends much, but flesh and blood still have limits. The air thinned till it refused either lift or life. Holding tighter than ever before she blacked out.
///
A smile crept on Swage’s lips as he felt wind rush over him. He could almost feel his feathers catch air. He could feel his feathers rippling! Trapped in the black all his senses told him he was flying. Butterflies rolled in his stomach as he clung to every little sensation he could find.
The darkness shrieked around him. The blackness cracked and flickered till he found himself looking through eyes he had no control over. Blue sky in all directions, even the ground had faded into sky. He wanted to scream with joy. However, he was merely a passenger in this body; he had no power over it.
His heart swelled from the thrill of flight till he could feel tears in his eyes. The black had been banished, but he felt another crack in his prison. The tears were real, he had that much command of his old body.
Something writhed inside him. “Take back your flesh and die in it.” a voice in his mind spat.
The world took shape fully around him, the last of the fog cleared from his mind. He was unbelievably high and falling. The air so cold it pierced his pegasus protection from it. My magic? I gave it all to Scoots... Scoots!’ He looked frantically for her, only to realize she had been the clinging warmth all along.
His mind raced to understand what all had happened. ‘Why did he have his magic back and what was this thing that had possessed him? It wasn’t an elemental, whatever it was... But, it was very close to one. Close enough for them to form a symbiotic bond or rather a parasitic one.’
He felt the entity try and escape him, but he grabbed at it with will alone. “In for a penny in for a pound my friend,” he chided back at the unseen. Whatever the creature had done to his severed wing, it had sealed his magic just like that orb had days before. But, he still had his will and while the entity was still within him, he could still shape spells within himself.
His will once again pinned down the monster as that other part of him began it’s mental gymnastics. Lines of magic were torn from the creature and made his own. Hard earned experience and unbridled inspiration twisted and shaped the energy till he had formed a spell that was a living thing in its own right. Forcing one half of the spell’s construct around his captive, he placed his very soul in the other. If he wasn’t having to concentrate so hard he would have uttered a prayer.
His inner will let go of the spell it had shaped and let it do its job. The world spun as the thing within him cursed things unspoken for two millennia. A few heartbeats later, the scream faded to silence; the spell had worked. The binding spell he had designed for Scootaloo’s talisman had worked just as well on him. Replacing his soul for the Orichalcum had been risky, but it worked.
Opening his eyes from the deep concentration, he took full control of his body. The air roared past him as he fell. He felt the warmth slip off his back and Scootaloo became a ragdoll falling along side him. Reaching out before she had drifted too far her took her in his forelegs.
The mismatched wings flicked at the air in reflex. The featherless wing sent new sensations into Swage that startled him. Surprise sent the wings out straight and they caught the air hard, almost causing him to drop the unconscious filly. He almost dropped her again as he strained to look at the new limb. He had no explanation of how the thing had manifested, nor did he have the wherewithal to think about it. That would be something to ponder later... Right now they needed to land.
Cloudsdale grew large below him. He would have preferred going straight to the ground, but he was exhausted; far better to land sooner.
///
White light filled scootaloo’s vision. She was laying on a cloud bed and her whole barrel hurt. Her eyes adjusted and she found herself in a hospital made of clouds. Swage was in the bed next to her, watching her in anticipation of her awakening.
“Bad news,” her friend addressed her.
“What’s that?” she moaned. Talking hurt and she already wanted to go back to sleep.
“The Doc says no flying for either of us for two weeks,” he continued.
“What!?” The fall, the flight, it all came back to her. She grinned, grinned till it hurt.
- - -
The orange pegasus landed in the snow outside the foundry. She was looking forward to spending some time in the foundry over the next few days. In the past months she had hardly seen Swage, let alone visit the shop. Now, school was out for a few weeks and her tutoring with Zecora was on hold till the zebra got back from her family visitations.
The door flung open just as she reached for it. A bright yellow earth pony with moist eyes startled at the unexpected meeting. He blathered out an apology in between a stream of thank yous that he kept shouting back into the shop. A glint of steel caught her eye and she realized one of his legs was more metal than fur.
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Few typos here and there also torturing with Zecora?
2081597 Please point out any typo you find. Ack supposed to be tutoring.
Such a beautiful story. It deserves more views. Alot more.
YES!
2082049 may I ask what invoked the 'yes'?
2082098
Sorry 'bout that. I've been following this story since the first couple or chapters so I'm In a good mood every time I see it update. Add that to my lucky guess about her cutie mark, plus the insane amounts of epicness that this chapter had. My brain was hard pressed to come up with anything more than yes.
This is one of those fics that really grab me, because it approaches the entire story from... well, I'm not sure how to describe it. I started this late, meant to read one chapter, and tore through it, ending at about 5am... and got 30 min of sleep before going about my day, but it was worth it!
! think the technical aspects in the early chapters were a huge draw for me- I absolutely loved the smithing elements. The early tragedy was well-executed- not a cliche "oh, something bad happened," but Swage's lack of caution was a big part of it.
When you brought Twilight in, a little voice in my head said, "Gary Stu alert..." and it whispered louder when you brought out his use of magic, but you completely dispelled that with a good rationalization of WHY and HOW. Your inclusion of differing concepts/forms of magic was brilliant- you have done an amazing bit of worldbuilding here that is not getting the recognition it deserves. THIS is what a fanfic should do- not drastically alter characters to fit into a stock situation that resembles OUR world, but bring in new elements to the world of Equestria to tell a different story while maintaining the core of Equestrian culture.
There's... well, just so much here, I'm going to have to re-read this at some point.
The one disappointment to me was that throughout a lot of the story, I had the feeling that opportunities were being lost to tell the story in more depth- it felt rushed all the way through! Not really in a bad way, but... in a terse, matter-of-fact way. Things like Swage and Quench- the big scene SHOULD have been longer, with a slower buildup. I mean... Swage's anger up to that point was palpable, and I loved how you built the suspense on that with his actions. I was just waiting for it after Scootaloo left. For a pair that had the history of bad blood, it should have taken more work to overcome that, is all. Man, great concept, good flow, kept me interested, but I really feel there was more in the story, waiting to be told.
I saw some grammar and spelling errors, but frankly, I blazed past them- they didn't matter because I wanted to keep going. When you slow down a bit, your descriptions and scenes are great! I got a real feel for Swage's workspaces, and the scenes set in the Library worked very well. My favorite, though, was the cloud chapter- some brilliant conceptual work there, and I have a strong desire to steal from you there at some point!
Damn it, this story just won't let go of my brain. Don't let my griping take away from just how much I like what you did here. When Swage got manic or depressed, I liked his character more- when it comes to OCs, I truly believe that their flaws and shortcomings make them, and you gave him some excellent ones- very good foils to the advantage you gave him as well.
My hat is off to you, sir, and I shall have to read more. I am sad this story is complete, but it was a wonderful read!
2308387 wow thanks.
I started this story as a writing exercise. I was trying to use the mono-myth formula. My original outline derailed pretty fast though. I write by discovery and I kept finding things I wanted to explore.
I have decided I'm going to rewrite this story in the near future. In so much as I will treat this as a rough draft. I think there are two maybe three underdeveloped areas in the story. The Swage/Quench relationship needs fleshing out, for one. The other being Swage's dilemma about healing himself or healing others; that resolved far to conveniently. I'd like him to get some ulcers over that choice.
Also; I need to euthanize a lot of adverbs...
Lastly I feel the ending was a bit ad-hoc. Not sure what I'm going to do with that, but it needs something.
My other project for this story is to write and adventure for the CMC now that they have their marks. I want to have them and Luna to go do something. Celestia had the mane 6. So, Luna wants to take these three under her wing and set them on to great adventure.
2309512
I did notice that the style changed after the first chapter, but I thought it flowed fairly well. WHatever you discovered, I'd say keep going with the basic format.
I can say that this truly excites me! I'm glad you didn't take my opinions as insulting, because I strongly feel that this story is a great one and I didn't want to give any impression to the contrary. If you want a brick-like head to bounce any ideas off of, I'd like to offer my own!
You know, excessive adverbinization didn't jump out at me- you have a more complex writing voice, but they were well-integrated and didn't seem to be attempts to stretch the word count or pointlessly amp up the writing.
It was, but it was still had a very warm feeling to it. If I might make a suggestion... What really drew me into your story to begin with was the technical aspect of it, and for good reason the more personal side took precedence throughout most of the story. Perhaps a nice finish would be to have something a bit more technically oriented?
How about this:to flesh it out, rather than have the Pony almost barge into her, have Scoots land and see a sign in the window, "Apprentice Wanted," and that cause her to feel like she's being replaced. Then, she goes in, and hears both smithing happening, and Swage having a conversation in his study with a nervous-sounding Pony- the amputee. Say, the fitting. Dialogue along the lines of
Something like that? It stretches it, give a little suspense before the payoff, and gives a chance to show a change in their relationship?
THAT is another outstanding idea. I wasn't so sure about the rituals you gave for them to work with, but once I thought about it I came to like the idea of an underlying, more intuitive magic that the other tribes can tap into, rather than the conscious control of the Unicorns. Pegasus magic, as you can understand, is something I'm interested in from a storytelling standpoint, and I thought your use of an origin myth and the blending of outside magic into the Pegasi was brilliant- I rushed through that part because the idea was so captivating.
I joined TECS recently and what do you know, I get a story already in my favs to review. So: without further ado, the short form of the requested review.
*****
This story has been reviewed by: The Equestrian Critics Society
Story Title: Clastic Glow
Author: Rocinante
Reviewed by: Shahrazad
Clastic Glow is a drama about overcoming disabilities both mental and physical. The main character named Swage is a talented smith with only one wing. He lost a wing in an accident years before the main story and the loss still haunts him. He’s manic, depressive, and obsessed with regaining what he lost. The story does an excellent job of showing that losing something can change one’s perspective and give new insight.
Full Review
Score: 7.5/10
2335967 Link to your review.
Thank you for your time and energy.
Reading your review, I just realized that I project the CMC about two years older than canon. I find them more interesting as avatars of potential, than as kinder.
A very enjoyable story. I thought the ending was a bit abrupt though. I would have liked to have seen Scoots' parents and friends reaction to her new abilities.
Well. That was pleasant. It'd a good spot to stop I guess. It could use a sequel but really. Al that needed to be said was said. The rest is just another story that could be told. I'd ask for permission but I have too much on my plate. :)
All my likes and seconded. You'll be getting a few more likes pretty soon if I know spacebattlers. :)
3327184 Thank you!
Hehe. Look at that views spike. Just what this story needs. A little more love.
I mean I know someone will go heresy! on the whole oc thing but to heck with it this sort of unique thinking is why I still bother with Fanfiction. :)
This is what people say when they mean worldbuilding and bits of it are now my headcannon.
Wonderful story. I just wish there was a bit more explanation of what happened in chapter 11; it was beautiful, but the several-months-later epilogue came out of nowhere, and so much was left unsaid.
3592588
There is a story in my files that starts with this chapter. It's just an outline and a few snippets now. But once I finish Pandira, I'll probably come back to it.
Is there a time line to the red fire universe?
Cuz I kinda wanna read all the fics in it in order
3743209
Red fire is the first; first thing I ever wrote actually. That's where I lay out the magic system. I really need to go back and re-edit that, I'd like to think I have become a better writer since I did that.
In short it was my winter story.
Meek and Brave was the next story, as it starts early in the spring. Unfortunately that story died on the table. I just couldn't find a direction.
Clastic Glow opens about the time M&B would have been wrapping up.
Pandora is the next in the series, opening chapter is mid summer, so just a few days after Swage falls from Cloudsdale. As to when I'll post that story? I have no idea. It is in the works, I have a lot written, but I want to have the rough draft finished before I start posting chapters.
Weird thing about this story... Couldn't find it for months. I saw it one time and mentally marked it, thinking it looked interesting.
And closed the tab.
Gone forever.
Every once in a while I'd get an itch to look for it, and every time come up empty. Finally saw it a few weeks ago and IMMEDIATELY bookmarked it and downloaded it to my kindle.
Read it.
Loved it.
I'm expected to walk into a heartwarming story about an Orphanloo(I liked the premise of the one-winged smith...), but instead got something a LOT cooler. The worldbuilding and characterization, the hints at the future and the ritual magic, the enchanting and imagery.... All of it.
I loved it! This story needs a sequel!
My Favorite story
That was beautiful, but i feel you left a lot of the ending unwritten.
I didn't check how old this story is, but you have to write an epilogue
6231273
Wow, has it been two years since I wrote this? Doesn't seem that long ago. It was really my first serious attempt at telling a story.
I still think it deserves a rewrite.
Thank you for the comment.
6231931 its actually close to three since you began, judging from the first comment in the first chapter.
And after a reply like that, I have to stalk you
The ending felt a bit rushed but good story overall.
6231931 I would not mind that
6231931 Can you make a sequel to this please?