• Member Since 22nd Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 6th, 2015

TrollestiaSubject


I don't even English at all.

T
Source

Sweet Apple Acres starts to produce a new breed of apple that will change the life of everypony forever.

A Pony In Hay was going to be part of the serie of shorts entitled "The Applejack Zone" under the concept of horror stories around a camp fire. But its length and ending stile were better for a stand alone story.

This tries to be a mix of Junji Ito horror stories inside the original flavor of FiM.
Proofreading courtesy by

Lifer

It's really helpful, not just about grammar and punctuation, but to find out, if you can deliver the feeling in the story you were intending.

Warning: Contains short scenes of gore.
Rated Teen because these scenes could disappoint mature readers.
Yeah, I rather scare younger people.
the lack of horror tag is a problem again.

Image thanks to BambooDog: One In The Bunch
Visit his amazing gallery.


Finally edited thanks to the good Lifter who took some of his time to do me the favor of proofread it.

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 24 )

What's with the description?

First off, not going to bother commenting on the description because it's probably just a formatting error or something.

For one who isn't a natural english speaker I must say I am surprised at how good the grammar/spelling was. I've seen pieces written by native english speakers riddled with grammatical and spelling errors. You stayed pretty consistent on tense, remaining-from what I could see-in present tense(1st person) as AJ is telling us the story, which is something(by my own admission) that's not easy to do.
Also, I was definitely able to hear this read in AJ's voice, so I think you did a decent enough job making the tone sound like her without going crazy overboard.
That said, there are still errors(at least however they were consistent) and it's far from perfect.

-Walls of text, you seem to suffer from that a lot. Some of the much larger paragraphs could easily be broken into smaller ones, a good example being the beginning of chapter 4. Massive wall of text there that could be split into smaller paragraphs.

- This line-

I’m not very sure what happened there even now, but then I told them my dream and at the end they all were like:

:o

Yeah, emoticons do not belong in writing unless the the character is doing something like, texting or chatting online(neither of which would be found here. Rather than using emoticons try describing the emotion. In this case, this might work better-

I’m not very sure what happened there even now, but then I told them my dream and at the end they all stared at me in shock, mouths agape.

Then perhaps you could describe in short some of their reaction-Twilight looked shocked, Rarity gave an over dramatic reaction, RD looked somewhat skeptical...things like that.

-Short forms for words. It may be one thing for character dialogue or online chatter but word abbreviation is a no-no. It's 'because' not 'cuz'.
-A few simple spelling errors I caught; probly should be, probably.

-They would know what a saddle is. In the scene where Dash is being ridden AJ doesn't seem to know what the thing on her back is(but does know about the reins). Though rarely saddles/saddle-like objects have been sen in the show so she would likely know what they are.

7.-I SO need an editor.

Yes, yes you do, but at least you acknowledge you need one. An editor could definitely help polish this up and make it better.

There's probably more things I missed/could comment on but seeing how it's 3:30am I hit what I wanted to point out.

One thing - try not to add all of the chapters at once. Add one chapter, look at the feedback, then write the next one, because then you'll have a better understanding of what the readers think and then you can, ultimately, deliver better as the story progresses.

1432283

No, get the hell out spam bot. Nobody wants your crap. :flutterrage:

-------------------------

I liked the story. Although you did acknowledged that you need a PR, you should go and ask anyone who is willing to proof read this story. :twilightsmile:

If it contains scenes of gore, even if they are short, then it has to have a gore tag according to site rules. And it has to be set to mature.

1432783
No, it can have teen gore, it just can't have gore to the point of going out of NC15.

1433427 Gore is gore. And if it has gore, it needs a gore tag. The moderators actually made a blog post about this a while back because so many people were not clear on this. There is a difference between mild violence, and gore. Gore always requires a gore tag because it falls into the mature content category.

1433452
......Not actually a English speaker, remember? Maybe s/he didn't know that gore is usually one step up from violence. Besides, violence is a three syllables and only on news, gore is one and is actually pretty commen. Sorry if it rankles your feathers, but unless you find deep gore, just ask him to change the description.

I'm going to assume "A pony in hay" is supposed to mean "A pony in hell"

And because the title sounds so stupid when you replace "hell" with 'hay" I refuse to read it

1434196 the author could've put "A pony in tartarus". It would be much better that way

1431774
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQt2HAz9UNQ324gUE9k8d16puO9kRCsntdhxE8hlKNvaufqN58RhA


1433452
It has a gore tag, under teen category. I guess that after read some other works containing gore, I didn't find mine so gorish, so before disappoint a gore fan, I decided to scare a teen reader.
It has some dead ponies but doesn't describe violence; I guess that's why it was approved.


1434196 1434437
no, you got it all wrong, :facehoof: why would hay be supposed to mean hell? or go to tartarus? it's not god of war. :derpytongue2:

Yip

Tragedy and sad = misconception.

Having those two tags is like random and normal.

1435236

Because tartarus as hell is canon, and even in the show they use "hay" as a euphemism for hell in conversation. "What the hay" etc.

"Image from Google"

People like you make me nerd rage. First of all, why do you save a thumbnail of all things to be a story image?
Secondly, why don't you go to the actual page in which you found the piece of artwork?
And thirdly, why did you put those words at all?

God. The art is called One In The Bunch by *BambooDog on deviantART. Now you can put that URL in your source field and remove your "Image from Google" thing.

The story, by the way, I'll have to look at later.

1435543
:pinkiegasp:
Ponibooru was the source, I bet a 404 error had made u mad. I really wanted to find it, so thanks. :twilightsmile:

1435730
Ponibooru and Google are not sources; they are aggregators for finding sources. That is all.

Chapter 1's errors:

We all in the family have a natural tinkle when it comes to apples, and even if she didn’t earn her cutie mark as CUTIE MARK CRUSADER, APPLESSED RESCUER! She did good indeed that day.

All of us in the family have had a natural tinkle when it came to apples, even if she hadn't earned her cutie mark as "CUTIE MARK CRUSADER, APPLESEED RESCUER!", she had indeed done good that day.

Chapter 2's errors:

"You oversleep again; you are the laziest mare I have met!"

"You overslept again; you are the laziest mare I have ever met!"

but then I told them my dream and at the end they all were like:
:o

but then I told them my dream, and at the end, their mouths were agape, eyes widened, and had shock and disbelief written all over their faces.

The enlarged text is to tell you to SHOW, NOT to TELL.

Well, its 2:30 AM as I am typing this, so I have only reviewed these chapters so far.

I can give proofreading a shot if you would like.

1451688 XD Earlier, it had question marks in odd places. That's why I asked! XD

Read the first three, four chapters of this ages ago, then lost it. Wound up hunting for hours to find it again. Just finished reading it. ...Ends about as horrifically as you could expect it too. Well done though, english or nonenglish either way. Yeah, an editor would've helped a goodly amount but still. Well written. BAD END's are not my thing, but what can you do.

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