• Published 13th Oct 2012
  • 1,484 Views, 26 Comments

The Applejack Zone - A Pony In Hay - TrollestiaSubject



A Pony In Hay is a short horror story about Applejack and her five friends

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Skies

“Whose pony am I starring now? Not again, not again, not again, in this dream I can't awake, who is real? Which is real? What is real? That’s something I can’t see.” I wake up. And I’m dreaming again, but it doesn’t matter anymore, it’s too late now. Twilight was right all along! She told me everything is a dream.

"As it was before, It will be no more. Time does that".


I see you keep listening to my story, or maybe you still here just for this apples. No point in save them in the reserve anymore, it was good that you never could be able to sell them I guess, and luckily you never tasted the Sweet Apples. They gave you bad vibe since you noticed how I was just since I ate one, don’t you? Nice from you don’t minding sharing these, but you can have all you want for your won, I can’t really eat anything else since I tasted the Sweet Apples. I don’t know if I can convince you, but these were the sweetest apples I’ve had in my life, nothing could compare. I know they gave me troubles in the past, but if you think that was bad; try to sow Sweet Apple Acres again all by yourself. Sure I stopped switching between dreams! But we ponies use to say some words too slightly; and one of these words is Hay, well, the real Hay was to sow all the field by my own again! And the worst part is that the Sweet Apple trees won’t grow up again anymore, now all the seeds we had are dead and all that work was for nothing!

Nor the sun or the moon, are moving anymore, and we have too many for this ol’ simple apples just for both of us, I just wish they would be of the Sweet kind.

In the other hoof, if you can imagine the flavor, the sweetness, the dripping juice, the crunchy feeling, the crispy sound from your mouth, then maybe YOU can dream with the Sweet Apples again, and reach its world, where they are given by buckets to everypony morning and late, and maybe you could bring some with you from there, that’s the way these apples should have come here in first place; maybe a zebra dreamed with them long ago, and that’s how they came to Equestria. Maybe if everypony dreams with them once again, and you being the only other pony around for all we know, maybe then I could have them back.


Tell you what? I didn’t want to return, but after a while I have thought; maybe return there is a good way to stop all this dreaming. Maybe if you can get mad with me, by something related to these apples, like maybe that I was lucky enough to taste such sweetness, and you will never can; maybe then if you faint me out, I could return to the Hay, with my apple between my hooves. I’m still afraid of the boomstick, but the same is going to happen with me here in Equestria, it’s just a matter of time, and there at least, a last Sweet Apple, is waiting for me.

Oh, the Sweet Apples could save me of a slow death starving.

A little something to rely on.
And the sweetness of the apple gently hiding me.




THE END



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Autor notes:

1.-Dang, kill RD was pretty hard for me, I was crying alone for it.

2.-Dang, poor rarity, I was really mean with her, I wanna say here that I wrote the whole thing listening Silent Hill songs, tender sugar, your rain, acceptance, hell frozen rain, now we’re free, love psalm, shot down in flames, O.R.T. , well, etc, the whole thing, I don’t remember the point of say this, but it was fun.

3.-it was something between darkness 2 the videogame storyline, a fine film by Junji Ito, I wanted a little more of gyo and bodystanchers but didn’t turn out as I wanted, maybe later, and… and the part of Fluttershy, her ending, is a Despair story inside The Sandman story, I’m sure it was an extra volume so Neil Gaiman didn’t write it, I don’t remember the name of the book either. I can’t really recall any other source, I’m sure years watching Twilight zone had something to do too. Well, actually kill Dash first felt a bit like cupcakes, but I haven’t read that one, so I don’t know if she’s the first one dying there too.

4.-before Fluttershy’s arc, after Rarity’s, I was feeling aboard the killing train, so I started writing these notes, if I have something else what to say during Fluttershy’s, Twilight’s, or Final arc, I’ll add more notes.

5.-I singed “I want love” by Mary Elizabeth McGlynn all aloud here alone. Yeah, a female love song, and I sounded so gay, but we real men don’t care.

6.-I’m so writing Junji Ito’s Frankenstein with Apple Bloom after this. and about the emoticon in chapter 2:
but then I told them my dream and at the end they all were like:
:0
I hope everyone see it. It wasn’t laziness at all, we all knew how they could react, and it’s even funnier to make your own conclusions, I was just too much in the “she’s telling” spirit, and I just placed the picture there to break up with her story to her face to the present listener. So; I’m basically scratching a rule there and leaving the emoticon be, haters gonna hate and stuff, it’s kinda obnoxious but that was supposed to be. By the way, did you catch whose pony was there listening?

7.-I SO need an editor.

8.-I don’t have 8 yet… Ok, sometimes I write in a comic stile. Shameful, I should read more books. Well, after all that arc is called Branches. This story is full of little still images, specially the gore ones, they are just still frames hidden between blocks of text to make them less meaningful and sudden. I didn’t want to exalt death, that’s ok in a story if she is the killer and would like to watch it, but in this story Applejack was too scared even to see them die.

9.- :S I don’t wanna write Fluttershy’s arc yet, I’m scared.

10.-This story was so long, I was hoping each arc could be smaller than the last but… Oh wait, Love Psalm is playing now xD

11.-I’ll try to write now… OK, a couple of quotes are small jokes if you catch them, some involve innuendo, I just hope they don’t ruin the context.

12.-the concept of this serie is camp fire tales, that why I’m trying to don’t get too out of the original flavor, not too bloody, and not too lovely towards Dash or Rarity specially as they are the normal shipping for Applejack and I totally agree with that, but not here, I want the contrast of the original feeling and a Junji Ito story. But this one has an ending that doesn’t sound like a campfire story, sounds pretty much like a “world ended damn it!” story, besides this is going too long, maybe I should drop it as a one shoot instead of part of these.

13.-for the concept of campfire story, I would like to add a story from each pony in mane 6, and maybe Spike or Scootaloo, or maybe I should make a story out of that ala “November” from Gaiman who actually got the inspiration from Ray Bradbury. Now, im not saying can can write anything like them, but it sure will be fun to add some ponies into it xD

14.-I think I found out an Editor. And English not less ^_^

15.-if you eat a Sweet Apple here you end in hell. I mean, hay. Zecora knew they were dangerous so she probably kill herself when she found out, you never see Fluttershy eating one but she went to hell anyways by own means. Sweet Apples are a clear reference to Drugs here, but Fluttershy drugged herself with her animals.

16.-I learned something from Junji Ito about good horror stories, they must be so horrible that you scream “no, hell, no more please, I can’t stand anymore” But they must be so interesting that you can’t stop reading. At least a couple of times here I felt like “stop. I don’t wanna write anymore v_v” but the story actually is so compelling that I was on this 2 full days xD, I dunno you over there reading, but I’m having fun here writing in the dark starting Twilight’s hay xD

17.-Did you know Jumanji movie was called like to as tribute to Junji Ito? No? well, I just made it over here myself, I don’t really think so, besides, Junji Ito writes in a much more darker tone than the fantasy/romantic/funny/adventure Jumanji movie.

18.-I just added Jumanji and Junji words to the dictionary, they were freaking me out

19.-I should spend less time checking up the site and finish the story v_v

20.-dang, 20 points :0

21.-Does a pony have hind knees? Cuz im talking about front knees at twilight’s arc, but the hind one is almost a hip bone called stiffle I think, and then a lower backward knee of which I dunno a name, but just in case, I was talking about front knees there, but you can always suppose “all or some” knees, and I guess you could be just right.

21.-I cannot believe I just droped yesterday just before the ending, now I cant believe how long is taking me to finish just the ending v_v

22.-I really loved the other twilight participation here, Dirty Pie was nice too, a shame she had to left. In fact I dunno what happened with her.

23.- finished :S I can’t believe it, I’m shaking, too much excitement… or maybe I need lunch. Not to start the corrections.

24.- I had to look for words like “one “, and names starting with lower cases to make corrections

25.-when Applejack find Apple Bloom for the last time, she has a cutie mark of a rope in a neck hang tie. (internal joke, no cannon)

26.-finished with cherry on top, if you find a very weird missspelling tell, plz help me notice it.

27.-I know we don’t really eat fat ponies, but I never said that the “owners” are humans. I picture them more like little demons on farmer’s costume.

28.-I know it was a long story but I decided to cut it into chapters.

29.-Proofreading courtesy by

Lifer

It’s really helpful, not just about grammar and punctuation, but to find out, if you can deliver the feeling in the story you were intending.

30.-After some feedback form my editor, I wanna add something about fluttershy's afterhay, I don't wanna blame the apples there, since I want to picture Applejack as an adict to them, never blaming them for any trouble. And you actually you never see fluttershy eating these Sweet Apples from the story, if you eat these Sweet Apples, you end hanging yourself here, so she probly never did, her vice was take too much care of her animals, to carry through the death of her friends, and that killed her, her own vice, at the end you could say she did, or didn't, apples, but I dont want applejack suggesting anything there. this was meant to be a mistery story after all. In fact the theories about this from the reader are better than the ones I could enlist there. I hope you had made some interesting ones as my editor did.

31.-Since chapter two, i had more or less the whole story in my head, it was easy, every friend had an arc: Accident, Hay, and Afterhay, ending and start were a little different for obvious reasons. It was taken, a little, from silent hill 1, if you put the pieces together.

Comments ( 24 )

What's with the description?

First off, not going to bother commenting on the description because it's probably just a formatting error or something.

For one who isn't a natural english speaker I must say I am surprised at how good the grammar/spelling was. I've seen pieces written by native english speakers riddled with grammatical and spelling errors. You stayed pretty consistent on tense, remaining-from what I could see-in present tense(1st person) as AJ is telling us the story, which is something(by my own admission) that's not easy to do.
Also, I was definitely able to hear this read in AJ's voice, so I think you did a decent enough job making the tone sound like her without going crazy overboard.
That said, there are still errors(at least however they were consistent) and it's far from perfect.

-Walls of text, you seem to suffer from that a lot. Some of the much larger paragraphs could easily be broken into smaller ones, a good example being the beginning of chapter 4. Massive wall of text there that could be split into smaller paragraphs.

- This line-

I’m not very sure what happened there even now, but then I told them my dream and at the end they all were like:

:o

Yeah, emoticons do not belong in writing unless the the character is doing something like, texting or chatting online(neither of which would be found here. Rather than using emoticons try describing the emotion. In this case, this might work better-

I’m not very sure what happened there even now, but then I told them my dream and at the end they all stared at me in shock, mouths agape.

Then perhaps you could describe in short some of their reaction-Twilight looked shocked, Rarity gave an over dramatic reaction, RD looked somewhat skeptical...things like that.

-Short forms for words. It may be one thing for character dialogue or online chatter but word abbreviation is a no-no. It's 'because' not 'cuz'.
-A few simple spelling errors I caught; probly should be, probably.

-They would know what a saddle is. In the scene where Dash is being ridden AJ doesn't seem to know what the thing on her back is(but does know about the reins). Though rarely saddles/saddle-like objects have been sen in the show so she would likely know what they are.

7.-I SO need an editor.

Yes, yes you do, but at least you acknowledge you need one. An editor could definitely help polish this up and make it better.

There's probably more things I missed/could comment on but seeing how it's 3:30am I hit what I wanted to point out.

One thing - try not to add all of the chapters at once. Add one chapter, look at the feedback, then write the next one, because then you'll have a better understanding of what the readers think and then you can, ultimately, deliver better as the story progresses.

1432283

No, get the hell out spam bot. Nobody wants your crap. :flutterrage:

-------------------------

I liked the story. Although you did acknowledged that you need a PR, you should go and ask anyone who is willing to proof read this story. :twilightsmile:

If it contains scenes of gore, even if they are short, then it has to have a gore tag according to site rules. And it has to be set to mature.

1432783
No, it can have teen gore, it just can't have gore to the point of going out of NC15.

1433427 Gore is gore. And if it has gore, it needs a gore tag. The moderators actually made a blog post about this a while back because so many people were not clear on this. There is a difference between mild violence, and gore. Gore always requires a gore tag because it falls into the mature content category.

1433452
......Not actually a English speaker, remember? Maybe s/he didn't know that gore is usually one step up from violence. Besides, violence is a three syllables and only on news, gore is one and is actually pretty commen. Sorry if it rankles your feathers, but unless you find deep gore, just ask him to change the description.

I'm going to assume "A pony in hay" is supposed to mean "A pony in hell"

And because the title sounds so stupid when you replace "hell" with 'hay" I refuse to read it

1434196 the author could've put "A pony in tartarus". It would be much better that way

1431774
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQt2HAz9UNQ324gUE9k8d16puO9kRCsntdhxE8hlKNvaufqN58RhA


1433452
It has a gore tag, under teen category. I guess that after read some other works containing gore, I didn't find mine so gorish, so before disappoint a gore fan, I decided to scare a teen reader.
It has some dead ponies but doesn't describe violence; I guess that's why it was approved.


1434196 1434437
no, you got it all wrong, :facehoof: why would hay be supposed to mean hell? or go to tartarus? it's not god of war. :derpytongue2:

Yip

Tragedy and sad = misconception.

Having those two tags is like random and normal.

1435236

Because tartarus as hell is canon, and even in the show they use "hay" as a euphemism for hell in conversation. "What the hay" etc.

"Image from Google"

People like you make me nerd rage. First of all, why do you save a thumbnail of all things to be a story image?
Secondly, why don't you go to the actual page in which you found the piece of artwork?
And thirdly, why did you put those words at all?

God. The art is called One In The Bunch by *BambooDog on deviantART. Now you can put that URL in your source field and remove your "Image from Google" thing.

The story, by the way, I'll have to look at later.

1435543
:pinkiegasp:
Ponibooru was the source, I bet a 404 error had made u mad. I really wanted to find it, so thanks. :twilightsmile:

1435730
Ponibooru and Google are not sources; they are aggregators for finding sources. That is all.

1451688 XD Earlier, it had question marks in odd places. That's why I asked! XD

Read the first three, four chapters of this ages ago, then lost it. Wound up hunting for hours to find it again. Just finished reading it. ...Ends about as horrifically as you could expect it too. Well done though, english or nonenglish either way. Yeah, an editor would've helped a goodly amount but still. Well written. BAD END's are not my thing, but what can you do.

Honestly, I love how this is written. I'm not familiar with your work at all, but whatever your grasp of the English language, the way you've written this, the grammar errors, spelling errors, all of it, gives it an amazing dream-like quality.

If you do get this cleaned up and "correctly" written, please leave this one as-is. I love it so much.

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