Rainbow Dash has always struggled with the idea that she needs to be the best, and when a new and mysterious pony comes to town to compete in the annual series of race events, she can't help but feel threatened that some other pony may be able to compete against her. Who is this mysterious pony and what is this pony doing in Ponyville? Will this new pony be able to beat the undefeated Rainbow Dash? More importantly, would Rainbow Dash be ok with losing?
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DEAR GOD! USE THE ENTER KEY!
Maybe there is a decent story under all this, but I sure as hell am not going to read through the Great Wall of Texta to find out.
I have to agree with mr. EQEnigma on this one. the story itself isn't that bad, but with the Great Wall of Text, it is almost unbearable to read. Also, the story suffers slightly from the continuous repetition of some words, especially from names. It is perfectly acceptable to use "he" or "she" to indicate the subject of the current action instead of their full name. This helps to make the story more easily accessible to readers, and it makes the reading experience that much better.
Despite these slight problems, the basic idea behind this story is a solid one, and although I have seen it done already in a couple of fics, I personally belive people should use it more often in their stories.
In short: fix the small problems, and Cool Story, Bro.
1393681 Ditto. Down voted until you learn how to use paragraphs.
Time skips can be useful. If you have a character who needs to travel a long distance, put in a line and start a new paragraph to show a time skip instead of having them suddenly arrive.
The enter key is your friend. Start new paragraphs every five to six sentences if applicable, and always start a new paragraph for new speakers or perspective shifts.
Other than a couple tiny errors such as spelling mistakes, this is actually an okay story.
Hi, my name is spymanx, I was reading this because I dont mind GWOT (Great walls of text.) and I really liked it, it was well writen (You know other than being a GWOT) but the ending...god it ruined it for me...
it was such a good story too...If you don't mind I'm going to write a little revew of JUST the ending here...and a few sugestions...read if you want to, but I might be a bit burtal. 
Rainstorm and Rainbow Dash both stayed at Twilights house for a while, and even though the doctors said he would never be able to fly again, he still practiced very light wing exercises every day, despite the horrible pain it brought him. Eventually, a miracle had happened and he was able to fly again.
First things first, if I go to the doctors after something happens and he tells me I'm not going to be able to do something, he is probibly right, but who am I to tell you what doctors know...
FIX: maby a spell from Twilight alowed him, if he worked at it, to one day be able to fly a bit, just a sugestion
He would never be able to race or fly nearly as strong as he used to, but he was able to fly none the less and eventually, he was able to fly back to Rainbow's house to stay with her.
ok, no problems that I can see here...
Rainbow gave up ariel races and opted to race on the ground with Rain Storm only.
Thats like saying Hittler fell in love and desided to not hate Jews anymore. Rainbow no matter what would NOT give up everything. Parhaps she would stop trying to become a wounderbolt. (even as unlikely as that is in her char)
NO JUST NO
Fix: Read the above
They would work as a team in races where they would pass a wand to each other and race against other pony couples. They dominated the competition together.
Ok..thats nice and all but didn't you just say
He would never be able to race or fly nearly as strong as he used to, but he was able to fly none the less
Yea...I know Dash is fast and all...but other ponies are still fast as well, I just...no...I'm sorry thats just not posibl- you know what this is my little pony, screw the possible, right? No.
FIX: Take everything after this and just deleate it. A bit harsh I know but I am trying to help you, one sucky author, to one that added a Way-to-optimistic-ending.
Rainbow was humble about winning and she loved her stallion with all her heart. He loved her just as much too.
I guess he could humble her...I let that one slide
One day, after they won gold at a race event,
just...if there is gold, it means compeditive and It's basicly saying guy with slighly broken leg and super fit person beats like 8 teams of super fit pepole...Not posible.
no
he took her to that special spot, by the broken down gazebo and proposed to her. They married each other and lived their lives happily ever after. Rainbow was a completely new mare and she was grateful everyday for the stallion of her dreams. He loved her unconditionally and was always by her side.
Why did you have to include this? We were more than happy without a it. Other than not needing to be there, its ok.
The End
To be brutal, best part of the ending.
Sorry if I came across as harsh or butal, I suck WAY more than you do. Just trying to help a fellow author out, my idea to make this better is to just deleat the ending and work on spacing, it helps to put a break every time somepony speaks
EX:
NOT TO DO: "SPIKE don't do that" Twilight yelled at her assistent "Sorry Twilight I didn't mean to write a ending that wasn't needed!" Spike said looking down "It's ok...we all make mistakes" Twilight said
DO: "SPIKE don't do that" Twilight yelled at her assistent
"Sorry Twilight I didn't mean to write a ending that wasn't needed!" Spike said looking down
"It's ok...we all make mistakes" Twilight said
Well hope it helps...And sorry if I came across as harsh
1396557 Hey spymanx. Thanks for your very detailed opinion!
#1. Dr.'s can be wrong, and I am a believer in miracles. I was VERY conflicted about the idea if he should be able to fly again. I wanted to give the reader hope for him, and to inspire people to never give up no matter what the odds are. I also decided to let him fly again because I wanted him to be able to live at Rainbow's house in the sky.
#2 I don't see a problem with Rainbow quitting air races and wanting to spend all her time practicing and racing on the ground with her mate. Why can't she give up something for him since he gave up so much more for her.
#3 "He would never be able to race or fly nearly as strong as he used to"
This is a mistake! Thank you for pointing this out! I have fixed it. He WOULD be able to race as fast as before on the ground, Just not fly nearly as strong in the air.
#4 I'm not so sure what you're saying. His wings were the only thing damaged. In the show, Rainbow Dash and Applejack are the two best runners in the "Running of the leaves" episode, and niether of them practice running, but both are in great shape from work and sports. I don't see a problem with the both of them becoming the best racers on the ground since both their cardio was top notch to begin with and they are both top of the line atheltes. They just had to transition their power to their legs rather than their wings.
Thanks again for taking time to read!
The story itself was VERY WELL DONE, but your right, it needed shorter paragraphs.
1397881 Thanks so much for reading! So glad you enjoyed it!
i love this story sooo much /)
(\ !
1399745 Thank you so much! I'm so glad you loved it! Have a Rainbow kiss!
Who cares that there's only 5 paragraphs? The story was incredible. I read it at 1:00 am on Saturday and it's my most favorite story so far.
1397114
Fair enugh, the reson I said the last part was as you said
he would never be able to race or fly nearly as strong as he used to"
This is a mistake! Thank you for pointing this out! I have fixed it. He WOULD be able to race as fast as before on the ground, Just not fly nearly as strong in the air.
as I was commenting on the Race part (as now you said that was a mistake) but like I also said great story!
1400307 I'm so glad you loved the story and it's your favorite!
1400727 I'm glad you really liked it spy, thanks again for helping me find that error :)
One of the best stories i have read so far! But please, new paragraph INDENT!
1402713 Thanks for taking time to read! I'm glad you enjoyed the story!
1402783 Why wouldnt i take the time to read this story? I absolutely love it!
Holy wall of text Batman!
Wall of Text.
Other than that Good story.
1393681>>1404306>>1394159 New Update! Story is now fixed and wall of text is gone! I did the best I could and I hope those of you who didn't want to read it before may reconsider now, sorry it took so long.
2240852 Still a holy wall of text Batman. iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/not-amused.gif
No matter what, this story was by far the best i've read this year. Thank you sir for just lighting up my day and life with this.
2803670 I really appreciate that and it means a lot to me! I'm so happy it was a good read for you!
3398744 Actually, I split all of my stories up into chapters. Not just this one. It took me long enough, I know.