- Member Since 31st Aug, 2023
- offline last seen 16 hours ago
Mr Wallace
Why can't everyone get along? Equality will lead us to prosper!
Mr Wallace
Joined 31st Aug, 2023 ·
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Good concept!! I would take into account that your pacing is a bit rushed though. This amount of progression would better flow if it were spread out over 2 maybe 3 chapters. Other than that, you have an interesting story that could be popular if done right.
Not bad, a bit rushed but good nonetheless.
>Arrives in new world as alicorn
>Is already the prince of some kind of independent state in the everfree
>Immediately defeats an ancient and experienced threat by getting a bit angry
Oh yeah, now this is an OP OC fic in the making
64.media.tumblr.com/e4cd01071f47e7d3ab88e8cad9c506d6/a853671ea7ecf953-72/s2048x3072/c426eb73f3eb4089386051440aaa5a19201868fc.jpg
Looking forward to where this goes 👍
Change the rated to M man,
We have gore scene here
Interesting story, but could desperately use more punctuations for the sentences, to allow a breather and slow down flow of the reading for the reading for the pacing. If you would like some help with that, I would suggest that you try out a text program like Balabolka, yes it's totally free. For the story I do like the concept of the guy reshaping reality, and himself into into making him this worlds prince due to some uncontrolled god like powers. I still have some trouble making sense of what it going one but I am looking forward to see how it could shape out. Keep it up dude, best wishes to your story.
11724323
It's a nice change in my book.
While the writing has improved noticeable in the chapter this time around with a more consistent use of punctuations, which really helped to to slow down the pacing and making it more understand what is going on in the story thankfully. It could still use some more punctuations in between sentences to show a shifting in ideas, but it's more barrable at least.
The character exposition is mostly understandable, if a bit weirds in places, like Celestia's apparent meekness, it does reflect the reality warping effect that leaf has around him. For the Mane Six part, taking place during the pilot episode, wasn't so bad, but could have used a little bit more exposition in how they look like and what are their intentions in traversing the Everfree Forest in the first place, even if we all know what is going on and that they are after NMM, it helps to solidify what they are like in this fic. It's obvious that leaf wasn't there to give us a clear subjective impression what he thinks of the M6, but I think focusing it more on Twilight's POV on them would have helped take on that role to define the rest of the Mane 6, even if the narration tried to subtilty convey it through the dialogue, which is mostly pretty well done. That is just how I personally prefer in my readings at least.
For the story it is interesting to see that Leaf is sharing a body with someone else to explain what it going on, and I do find it interesting that this reality warping is partly a dream/time capsule for him, and seems to be limited to the area of the Everfree forest for the time being at least. I wonder if it's as much a prison for him, then a mausoleum of memories and events that Leaf is trapped in and what could have triggered it in the first place and could there be a darker side to this as well.
Keep it up dude you are steadily improving, best of luck to you.
Not the windows 😭
This was even more easier to read through then last time with, things being more clear on what's happening, with characters intention being more clear; punctuation is still a major issue, I think you would need to put your writing through a text to speech program to better know when to break your sentences into smaller chunks. In any case I had a little difficulty recognizing the personality and speech patterns of most the Mane Six, sounding very similar to each other in tone and actions. With more the previous writing issues out of the way making it easier to read through, other issues that were previously less noticeable before cropped up, like how you present characters coming in the scene like the AJ and PP who just came in and not do any of their characteristic flare and mannerisms in their action which makes them feel more like mouth pieces. An other example is Shining Armor Who is supposed to be a Captain of the guard and really doesn't sound bothered in whatever situation is happening to the princess or the Everfree Forest, which shows you still have trouble conveying characters personalities and intentions at the moment.
I would also add that despite what is supposed to being a Human in Equestria story there doesn't seem to be much human elements going along and you could strip that part out and the story would basically be functionally the same, making it feel like a bait and switch. if it is a HiE story then the story should focus more on the protagonist POV and what mess he is in, at least for the time being.
While you are certainly improving in your writing dude, I think you currently have the issue of not knowing how to plan out your chapter and on what elements to focus to bring out the characters personalities to the forefront. My suggestion would be you try LISTEN to people fanfics or audiobooks and not how they make sure on how they present different characters in a story, listen to the words used to describe their action and thoughts and so on. Keep it up man.
I am not one to give anyone a hard time about punctuation. Normal. I run these stories threw a text to voice reader. So I can listen while working. Podcast style. May I say, the run on sentences of it all. It's not as bad as the writer that would make, the equivalent of, a 12 sentence long paragraph. That did not have a single punctuation mark of any kind. That was hard to listen to.
Interesting story so far.
Weeeeee old gods are waking up
Grammar is really rough.
Was John possessed or was the alicorn’s spell responsible for an accidental switch of bodies?
I’m having trouble understanding what happened between this chapter and the previous. Was there a time skip? Or did the Everfree city get the same deal as the Crystal Empire?