Defenceless sent an invite to pinkie pie to try some of her delectable meals on display at her home abode. Pinkie Pie ends up using her big eating habits to entrance Defenceless into a false sense of security leading her into growing an appetite of her own from Pinkie Pies lavishing gift of cupcakes she brought with her. The story itself is a collaboration between myself and defenceless from furaffinity given permission to view in public.
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/defenceless
Please feel free to look at her other works of art and fiction if you are interested.
Chapters (1)
Just a quick grammar run-through. Feel free to delete this after you fix the issues.
Pinkie Pie. Both parts are capitalized. And you still have Pinky usage in there.
Some use of present tense in there when most of the story is past tense. she pauses while trying to think on that one.
Some capitalization issues, like failure to capitalize I (As for me, i have never felt better as an example), quite a few sentences don't start with a capital letter (like the one in the present tense issue case above), character names not capitalized properly (defenceless, Pinkie pie) etc.
Not all paragraphs are separated from the preceding paragraph with an extra return, they should be.
Unless a number is large or part of a proper name, you write it out. an entire 3 layer... three.
you look like you are starving." she eventually muttered, - in cases like this, you replace the period before the ending quotation mark with a comma.
Pinkies present - Pinkie's present
Saw Defenceless, immediately faved.
Now to read.
Read story, wished I could fave it again.
This story was awesome!
Fat girls are so awesome! I love being a chubby chaser!!!!!
Please make a sequel!! Please!
What Mudpony said. The premise for the story isn't bad though.