High School student Carson Andrews was in for a world of life and unexpected turns when he got himself transformed into a Earth Pony and free fallen to Everfree Forest after a burst of magic from Twilight Sparkle during her magic exam. Despite how much of a fan he is of MLP:FIM, he can't help but feel scared and on edge as to what kind of consequences his presence might bring on account of his knowledge of a fictional cartoon show.
Now under the name of “Wishing Star,” he must adapt to the world around of him , blend in with every pony else, and earn his own Cutie Mark. But what happens when he falls in love with the soon-to-be-Princess-of-Friendship and make changes to the world around him?
Chapters (8)
I read the original a few months back and liked it enough that when I saw this rewrite on the "new" tab, I decided to give it a shot.
I can say that it's a massive improvement over the original work, and I liked it quite a bit more than the original. I'll be watching this story with great interest.
Rainbow would be the most likely out of the Mane Six to openly swear if MLP wasn't a kids show lmao.
Even though the old story is canceled, I will admit this story is way more better then the original. The character wishing star has more details of his life. I hope to see more chapters soon, keep up the great work.
Interesting…
I think i may have looked at the original, but read the first chapter and decided not to read it.
This…
This is much better.
👍👁️
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Thank you Random, I really wanted to rewrite this story so much after looking back on the original. The Sister Hooves Social chapter was one of my favorite chapters that I'm very proud of.
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👍
I find it hard to believe that he could grow up in canterlot in the proximity, and occasionally visiting the castle without knowing Twilight.
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Well, he would often go to the Canterlot alleyways, so it would make sense for him to not interact with any adults or foals at the time, that will change when he interacts with the Mane 6.
Enjoying the story so far! Keep it up!
Interesting… seems he arrived before episode one and was not immediately attacked by timberwolves. I also like the earth-pony love. They don’t get enough of it. I’ve seen a lot of creative ways others have imagined earth-pony magic outside of just farming. I think this will be a fun story.
Gave up lots of secrets right away. Rough first few days.
But that was very sweet at the end!!
I assume he was trying to steer clear of influencing certain ponies and events? I wonder why he caved on that 14-year endeavor…
That explains why he agreed!! Well played, author.
This is very fun.
I didn’t read the original, butI definitely want more, please.Correction. Just checked. I did read the original. I remember it being pretty good.
Excellent way to start off your retelling of Wishing Star. Keep it up my friend.
I thought you said they were blue?
Oh no my adorabetus!!!
HNNNGGG!
*ded*
But seriously too cute and I’m really enjoying this story
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Staying isolated that long isn’t easy I bet,
So a bit confused. I didn’t think he was there and just stayed hidden until the Galla.
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What she was referring to is that the Mane 6 can use the Elements of Harmony to stop Discord just like they did with Luna. I apologize if that confused you.
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Np I personally just assumed you meant by being her friend in the castle or something after reading back a bit.
Are you still gonna do Rarity's personality and look change like in the OG story because I liked the fact she became less stuck up and prissy.
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Yes, I'm absolutely keeping that.
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I read the chapter and Why did Twilight and AJ give RD a look when she was going to swear? We learn swear words as children anyway so what would be the point?
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Rainbow Dash probably heard the conversation with Wish and Blueblood off screen and that's where she'd probably learned it from.
Awesome chapter, keep it up.
Do you mean Soarin cause Thunderlane is a Ponyville Resident
General Wishing Star,You are a bold one
We definitely need a BBEG to say “Ah Yes the Neighotiator”
oh yes, i remember the first one.
but I am LOVING this one more!!!
awesome chapters!!!!
keep it up!!!!
Change it*
Don't repeat words
Hmm this start feels much better then the original, glad to have found the rewrite and I’m eager to read more.
Thus ONWARD to more chapters!
This is quite the different tale from the original and I’m throughly enjoying it. Onward!
"Am I in--" He began to say but stopped, shock by his voice. It sound youthful, almost Innocent like, as if he was a child.
The greatest tip I can give is keep your dialogue tags concise. Try to build your sentence as if painting: The details are in the picture, no more and no less. Make each word count, after all, like a picture, every stroke carries purpose.
He gasped, unconsciously reaching for his throat. What he felt was definitely 'not' his hands: Hard, bone like, it hurt; he gagged from the pain of hitting himself.
Always consider your tensing: past--present, whatever the case, keep it consistent.
For the sake of keeping close to your original writing I avoided adding direct or indirect monologue. I would suggest you try including these types of techniques if limited third person is your goal: It helps give the readers a better understanding of the character, makes for good development too.
Starting at his 'hand,' the realization of no longer being human hit him, literally: A green teal hoof.
Consider how you can weave things together, even the smallest of details can make your writing pop. Also, beware the comma splice.
From which he could see, his 'body' matched the same green teal. Though, straining quite a bit, he confirmed his newly acquired tail was brown.
I dropped the short tail part because It didn't feel to hold meaning, aka didn't add much more besides fluff. Haha, get it-- yeah, yeah, I know... not funny.
Considering the lack of wings, he was no Pegasus: One with a blank flank at that; probably normal given most young foal searching for his-- or her talent.
I did more of the same things I mentioned above. If you ever get the time, and you really and truly wish to be a better writer: Learning your punctuation and grammar to a T. It's amazing the fun you can have when you can express any thought you want.
Running his 'not' hand through his not 'hair' the missing horn suggests he was a regular Earth pony.
You can have much fun with semantic quibble through single quotation marks.
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I'm gonna have to rely on you for some ideas Dovah, and I sincerely appreciate the advice.
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I'll help with what I can, but I do have some recommendations. From what I've read so far the character interaction feels a bit forced in places. The largest reason for this is the lack of natural build up with your characterization and his introduction with Twilight and the other inverse characters. There needs to be a bit more details and space between them.
I'll start from the beginning. Your introduction feels a bit to sparse which puts the overall pacing to fast, consider creating a scene of him interacting with others: His father; a neighbor, or the milk man, haha. It helps clues us, the readers, into his personality and sets the scene for further development in the future. You can show us little things like his manner of speech or any issues or habits. Also, Instead of telling me, your showing via hints.
Let us see his normal day-to-day life, this gives context to why he feels down for being sent into Equestria. After all, logic is our friend therefore always leave tiny bread crumbs for the readers to follow: You don't want to just have things happen, there needs to be some form of foreshadowing or natural causality to actions; It is here where you slay this plot holes.
Ask yourself questions above everything.
<For instance, did he die via truck-chan too the face, or was he just warped to another world and if so why... how?>
Never forget about the 6 senses, you can tap into them to give a deeper perspective on the character. You don't need to be in first perspective to do this, it just takes some thinking and careful wording. Also GPT is your friend, but understand its help is just suggestions not hard set rules. I use it to help me find tensing issue in my story or to breakdown techniques I've used to give me a better understanding of myself as a writer. It also helps with little rewrites or grammar and structuring. Use gpt as a tool.
Beyond this, I recommend keeping a paper with scenes you connect together to give a feeling of where you going. Leave little notes of what you want to go down or what information or characteristics you want to focus on.
Don't make the world bend to the MC, but the MC bend to the world. Characters should feel flush and realistic having their own life's beyond the main character.
There's quite a bit of plot points I liked. His interaction with Celestia is one, but it definitely needs more details. Or how the MC hung around the castle for all those years, but why? Again, you need more details.
Nevertheless, I think you have a great story. It just needs Polishing.
The biggest problem I see so far is pacing. You don't have to jump right to the interactions. Give us time to become invested enough in the main character first.
I'll edit this comment later to give some grammar punctuation sources I've used for Informal writing. I'm using a tablet so it's kind of hard. Anyways, good job! Keep writing and reading, that's the only way to get better.
https://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/
https://theeditorsblog.net/2012/06/29/even-more-punctuation-in-dialogue-a-readers-question/
https://theeditorsblog.net/2018/04/08/when-a-comma-isnt-enough/
Oh yeah and here some extra bits. Maybe this will help you. This is what I meant about adding in monologues and senses:
What about Flurry Heart? Or any potential offspring of Starlight, Sunset, or Twilight? Surely there could be some possible candidates from this?
I was sad when I found out it was canceled 😞
But when I decided to reread your old Fanfiction Again
And found out you made an improve Version of one of your Old Stories.
You can say that I was extremely excited 😊 to read it but I have to restraint myself, since I gotta relax my Brain 🧠 and once I come Back, I'm gonna read this Book as Slowly 🐌 as Possible to enjoy and be sad again.
Once I reach the end of the last Chapter Intel u make another one.
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I appreciate your compliment Ace and I thank you for the support. Be on the lookout for more chapters coming soon!
Will we get a cute drawing of him as a Colt?
YEAH!!!!!
BITCH SLAP BLUE BLOOD!!!!
But in the Comics he's not that bad but...
Yeah....
Damb!
This is Scary 😳
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That could be arranged.