Yeah, Spirit definitely ain't gonna like this.

11543429 Maybe Spirit will never find out. Rain wants to make him happy.

Something tells me this is not gonna end well....yay!

11546962 Rain becomes immortal and will meet with Spirit in the future. How is that not the happiest ending of all endings (barring everything that transpires until then)?

11547180
It's the

(barring everything that transpires until then)

part that has me saying what I said! Oh boy are we [the readers] in for an intriguing time...

11547241 I'm afraid you'll have to write a sequel of your own. As things stand, the rest of the story is left to the reader's imagination.

This is your official review for the Furry Foray Festival Contest!

I've tried to be as objective as possible, but of course there are limits. I've tried to avoid being biased or arbitrary as much as I can, and hopefully I've succeeded at least somewhat. The full, final results will be announced on May 4th, and winners will be contacted shortly afterward to ask how they would like to accept their prizes. When readings these comments, please keep in mind that I know I'm often overly critical -- to the point where I can always find nitpicks even with the greatest works of literature. So don't take anything personally!

Notes:
- I wondered if another mare occupied his mind. Was I not good enough? Spirit has a whole herd, lol. If Rain's going to have jealousy issues every time Spirit so much as thinks about another mare, then she's going to be busy come springtime.
- “Tell me, dyke, or I’ll hurt you!” That's a heckin' yikes!
- Did it have to be this rapey? The story isn't even tagged non-con!
- “Let it, Rain!” What version of Chrysalis strikes you as the type to make puns?
- “I just stared at the ceiling not being able to process any of the things that happened to me.” Quite odd that she'd say this out loud...
- I realized I truly was in the new world. Everything was white, even the sky. Pieces of whiteness were falling from the clouds. When I caught one, it turned into water. Rain has surely seen snow before, lol.
- The immortal slave landed before me and grind. Grinned?
- This "negotiation" between Rain and Cozy Glow is truly bizarre. Both of them are speaking like emotionless robots.
- For that matter, despite how Rain's motivation here is supposedly entirely emotional, she approaches the problem like a single minded emotionless robot. Her programming says she must see Spirit again, and she follows that programming just like a machine. She has very little emotional response to anything -- just 'If A, then do B, and therefore C.'
- This whole 'only Sombra can grant immortality, and only for a day at a time' setup seems awfully convenient ... like it's specifically designed to force Rain to do whatever the hell he wants. But there are a lot of issues with that. A) Sombra isn't the only one in the MLP universe who can do this sort of thing. Remember how StarSwirl sealed the Pillars away for a thousand years without aging? Or Celestia could turn Rain into a statue like Discord until Spirit shows up. B) Sombra doesn't depend on trickery and negotiation like this to get slaves -- he's perfectly capable of magically brainwashing ponies and forcing them to do what he wants ... it's like his main thing he does. C) If Sombra can grant immortality, how come he's the only MLP villain who actually died? ... It just seems like instead of finding a way to use the rules of the MLP universe creatively, you've just supplanted them with your own rules ... rules custom-designed to give Rain the worst experience possible.
- Why is Sombra so keen on 'negotiating' anyway? From what we've seen of him in MLP, he's really not the negotiating type. He just takes what he wants.
- "This is awesome!" said Cozy Glow. "You will do all the chores for me and I will be free and immortal. Of course, I'll never want to grow a day older so I'll never actually pass the daily blessing onto you. This is really great for me." And now we get into issues with Cozy Glow's character... Her saying things like this is absolutely against her canon character. She should be far more manipulative than this. She should be pretending to be a good pony, pretending to be on Rain's side. She should be promising that immortality blessing all the time ... in order to get Rain to do absolutely anything for her ... but then never actually give it. But you've taken this manipulative, lying, and scheming character and you've turned her into a straightforward filly who always says exactly what she's thinking in the most on-the-nose way possible.
- "I understand that this arrangement may not be ideal for me and that I may not receive the daily blessing of immortality as I had hoped," I said. "But I am still willing to accept this arrangement, as it gives me the opportunity to serve and be a part of your life. I will work hard, regardless. And even if I am not able to receive the daily blessing, I’ll live without regret of missing out on the potential. This is the best deal I could get, and I’ll try to be grateful for it." This is completely ridiculous. Do you see what I mean about her acting like a robot? And not even a smart robot. We're talking Roomba-level intelligence here. Even from a purely robot logic standpoint, it makes no sense to waste away her life as a slave when she's just been blatantly told that she will not achieve her goal that way. Just because it gets slightly closer to achieving her goal, in theory? Close doesn't count!
- Is this story going to have any sex scenes that aren't straight-up rape? It isn't, is it? At this rate, if Rain ever does meet Spirit again, I'm guessing it will somehow end with him raping her.
- Is there anybody who gets turned on by Rain being tortured by wool bodysuits? I guess there must be, but I'm having a hard time imagining it. Torture and abuse seems to be the point of this fic, and it only features clop begrudgingly. Like ... not even fetishized torture and abuse ... just torture and abuse for its own sake.
- Maybe if I showed her my obedience first, I could then convince her to cut me out of the enwrapping prisons. Does she even remember why she's here at this point?
- Wait ... that's the end? It just ends there? This fic definitely feels unfinished. What was the point of all this? Absolutely nothing is resolved in the end ... and it doesn't even end with a climactic gang-bang scene with hundreds of stallions, either. It just ... stops. No indication of whether everything she's gone through will allow her to meet her goal of finding Spirit again, not even a scene of Sombra having sex with her, which is where I thought this was surely leading to. Or maybe Rain could finally get fed up with all of this and leave. Or maybe it could have led to Rain being fully corrupted and outright evil ... but it didn't get to that part either. (And there was room within the maximum word count. It could have kept going and reached some kind of conclusion...)
- Honestly, overall ... this fic just strikes me as really bad. I'm having trouble imagining anybody who would actually enjoy reading this. I guess someone who's really into mindless rape and torture (mostly torture). But even then, those aspects of it weren't really played up or depicted in fleshed-out detail. What got the most attention in this fic is the bizarrely emotionless and mindless 'negotiations' with each character blatantly announcing how much they like or dislike each individual 'deal' and mostly just talking in circles until Rain eventually just accepts whatever they want from her. A lot of word count was dedicated to that sort of thing.

Scores:
Provocativeness: 30
Progression: 40
Payoff: 10
Pacing: 30
Personality: 5
Prose: 55
Total: 170
For more information on what these scores mean, see the scoring rubric.

11552257 Thank you for this lengthy review, I appreciate it. I'll wait until 2023.05.04 when the judging ends before implementing fixes to the problems you pointed out.

Edit: Fixed.

My Little Reviews & Feedback I did your review.

11566721 Thank you, I appreciate your review.

Rain managed to cut a deal for living to see Spirit. I suppose that this is an happy ending.

11578373 Imagine having the option to time travel. However, the price you have to pay for each jump is allowing extra memories to be inserted into your brain. And since all information is good information, that shouldn't be considered that high of a price.

And that's basically what Rain is doing. She's jumping a century into the future, and the only bad thing with that process will be 'a few' bad memories.