• Member Since 12th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen 44 minutes ago

Bad Dragon


I write so that one day I may finally stop writing and be free, but these damn new ideas keep finding ways into my brain. I need to write more to keep up with them!

T
Source

After Twilight’s stream of successes, she’s confident that nothing can go wrong. Is she due for a lesson?

The Mane Seven are on a mission to spread friendship across Equestria. It sounds easy enough, but should they let their guard down?

Twilight is confident that she can cope with any situation. Maybe she’s right and there really is nothing to worry about... Maybe.

[You may also revel in the Youtube reading (Chapter 1, Chapter 2) or mp3 download (Chapter 1, Chapter 2) that are available for this story.]

This story won a contest:
The Pony Writing Debauchery of Uncomfortable Situations

It was approved by:
Goodfic Bin
Black-light's Library!
Fimfiction’s Addicts

Here's what the readers are saying about it:

Dude whoa.... That was powerful. It kinda reminds me of “If you love something” let it go. The type of pony that Twilight is I could imagine that losing her friends would make her go insane, and I know she'd do anything to still be with them. Great story. Mad I didn't hear about it until now. ~ Man on the Moon

If Twilight can't find a way to save her friends, she'll make a way. And that works out about as well as one would think. ~ FanOfMostEverything

I hope Twilight can let go... eventually. ~ StormyVenture

I liked this story. It was heartbreaking, a bit confusing (in a good way), and overall enjoyable. ~ Heart Felt

it had the nerve to make me experience something you twats call “the feels,” but a nice enthusiastic walk in the woods solved that problem. ~ DR_LaZer

made me cry… ~ deli73

I cried. I didn't shed one tear, but a thousand. ~ Crystal_Chaos

Great story, definitely deserves the tragedy tag. ~ MustacheMerlin

This story really does earn it's tag as it presents a situation that cannot be won and that has no positive outcome, which is part of tragedy in it's strictest sense. ~ HapHazred

Brilliant. Both her plan and the story.:rainbowkiss: ~ Unbridled Dolly

I love it when a story comes together--and I say that this one did, at least for philosophical egghead dorks. ~ Mahayro

I love the entire premise and the ending was perfect. ~ Curify - ChasingVerse

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 245 )

Comment section minigames for the second chapter of the story Princess of Friendship (anypony can play it in the comment section of this story)

GAME 1 - Comment section minigame for Chapter 2 (anypony can play it in the comment section of this story):
Does this story remind you of a song that you know? If yes, post it in the comments in the following format:
- A link or embedded youtube video of it.
- Percentage of correlation (0% being an unrelated song, 100% being a song written exactly for this story).
- Reason why this song reminded you of this story or the excerpt of the lyrics that is similar to a scene in the fic.

Music for reading:
Beyond The Black - Lost In Forever
— Correlation:85% (Lyrics)
Lost in the vast of eternity — Nowhere to go, no one to be — Trapped in the silent infinity —Forever yearning, never free

Asrai - Lost — Correlation: 80% (Lyrics)
Death tempted her away - Gave meaning to her days

Lahannya - Cocoon — Correlation: 80% (Lyrics)
“No need to embrace — The truth you don't want to face — I've made my escape”

Metallica - Fade to Black — Correlation: 80% (Lyrics)
No one but me can save myself but it's too late — Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Lacuna Coil - Trip The Darkness — Correlation: 80% (Lyrics)
Seconds, minutes and hours spill over — There's no time here in space

Iris - Sorrow expert — Correlation: 80% (Lyrics)
I'm just a sorrow expert now — The more I love the more I drown — And the saddest part is I love what's ours — And that's when I give more

Amorphis - Sky Is Mine — Correlation: 80% (Lyrics)
From my world the sun faded—And the moon from my sky was gone with stars—I came home to a bleak room of sorrow—Forsaken house, place of grief, in solitude

4everfreebrony - Chant of Immortality — Correlation: 80% (Lyrics)
Num'rous regrets, the art of passing time — No one forgets, spent nights of chasing days — Eternal rest, to witness being erased

Epica - Blank Infinity — Correlation: 80% (Lyrics)
Do you cry to the heaven's high — When you're confined in here? — Do you not ever wonder why — These leaden tears will never dry? — They'll leave behind so many shadows — Living in me, living in all the memories in my life

Bella Morte - Stygian Shores — Correlation: 75%
(Instrumental)

Lacuna Coil - Not Enough — Correlation: 75% (Lyrics)
I don't want to be saved, — I want to go down with you

The Birthday Massacre - Down — Correlation: 75% (Lyrics)
I wish that I could fake it but I don't know how — I know we'll never make it but I can't stop now — We're only just beginning and it's over — Too late — No time, it's over and now — Can't wait

Evig Natt - In My Darkest Hour — Correlation: 75% (Lyrics)
Oh, I wonder what lies beyond this world — Eternal darkness, must be better than this — Living in hope, aching for your last touch

Lake of Tears - Come night I reign — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
Come night comes healing of my scars — Come night so comes my time to be

SAY Y - Refil — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
Dreams die in the past — I can't remove what I have done — There is no return to innocence

Satyrian - The Dark Gift — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
Darkness pressed the shimmering veil — To the black it starts to rend. — I am not called upon to be — The dark gift.

Within Temptation — It's the Fear — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
Save my beloved — There is no escaping — Because my fate is horror and doom

HolyHell - Resurrection — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
I ran too far — fought too hard and lived too fast. — It brought me down, tore me up — So I buried myself, — Deep down in the blackest hole

Within Temptation - Frozen — Correlation: 70% ([url= ]Lyrics)
Tell me I'm frozen but what can I do? — Can't tell the reasons I did it for you — When lies turn into truth I sacrificed for you
Everything will slip away — Shattered pieces will remain — When memories fade into emptiness

Ghost Dance - I will wait — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
Until the last of all my days — And the stars no longer shine — If you ask then I will wait — Till the very end of time

Evanescence - Taking Over Me — Correlation: 60% (Lyrics)
I believe in you — I'll give up everything just to find you — I have to be with you to live, to breathe — You're taking over me

Evanescence - Going Under lyrics — Correlation: 60% (lyrics)
I'm going under — Drowning in you — I'm falling forever (falling forever) — I've got to break through

The Birthday Massacre - Calling — Correlation: 60% (lyrics)
You’re all by yourself — There is no one else

Carnival Star - Black Rain Down — Correlation: 60% (Lyrics)
[Darkness descends, just like black rain.]

You Shriek - Daggers (press play on the page) — Correlation: 60%
[They all vanish into the shadow. Only Twilight can counter the darkness.]

Lahannya - Never Enough — Correlation: 60% (Lyrics)
“To regain what I have lost — I have to lose my way”

Lahannya - Out Of Time — Correlation: 60% (Lyrics)
“I'm running out of time — I’ve tempted fate for far too long — Across the last divide — I’m begging you for another dawn”

Beseech - Everytime I Die — Correlation: 60% (Lyrics)
another day in solitude — this isn't how I want my life to be

Zombie Girl - Creature of Night — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
“I am alone here in darkness”

Valved lies - Broken Alchemy — Corelation: 50% (Lyrics)
"These memories are incased in ashes"

Drowning Pool - Nothingness — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
“The emptiness is building from — The nothingness that we've all become”

James D. Stark - Run (click on play) — Correlation: 50%
“Run with me, escape reality”

Inkubus Sukkubus - We belong with the dead — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
Don't you try to change my mind - To sense and reason I am blind - We belong with the Dead

Type O Negative - Everyone I Love Is Dead — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
Someone drops dead - Whom I adore - You love someone - There will be grief

Grooving in Green - Even the Light — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
On one thing you can depend — Like the coming of night — All things surely must end — Even the light.

The Last Dance - Silently She — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
Falling between worlds — Through her painted sky — In her silence — Behind the shadow no one sees

Bullet for My Valentine - Tears Don't Fall — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
The moments die, I hear no screaming — The visions left inside me are slowly fading — Would she hear me if I called her name? — Would she hold me if she knew my shame?

London after Midnight - Sacrifice — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
Here we go again — We've taken it to the end, — With every waking moment — We face this silent torment. — I'd sacrifice, — Sacrifice myself to you
Darkness is all I want to see — I could never put in to words, — What it is you mean to me...

Liquid Sky - Echo — Correlation: 50%
When I'm all alone — I become lost in your endless echo

Liquid Grey - Part Of Everything — Correlation: 50%
Sometimes everything you know — is not there, anymore — You get this feeling down your spine — Like you've seen all this before.

Rhombus - What You Wanted — Correlation: 50%
Now you're haunted by what you wanted — Now you're hunted, rest alone

Wolfsheim - Once in a Lifetime — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
no rain can wash away my tears — no wind can soothe my pain — you made me doubt, you made me fear — but now I´m not the same

The Music - Come What May — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
I've been holding you in my mind — Scared, of facing you — And now I'm working my life away — Lonely for you

Suggested by: Cerulean Voice
Kataklysm - As The Wall Collapses — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
I will survive all the demons you throw at me — I will deny all the weakness inside — I will remember this day until the end of time — I will stand tall as the walls collapse on me

Suggested by: FamousLastWords
Slipknot - Wait and Bleed — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
I can't control my shakes, how the hell did I get here? — Something about this, so very wrong — I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn't like this

Amorphis - Sky Is Mine — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
Something moving in the emptiness — Something drew me near — Someone told me of my future deeds — Whispered them in my ear

Tapping The Vein - Damage — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
You don't feel what I do — You don't live in this awful place — You don't know the darkness like I do

Trivium - Through Blood And Dirt And Bone — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
I'm alone when the ending comes — Take control of the nightmare — This fate has become my own — Choking on my soul — Misery has gained control

The Birthday Massacre - Pins and Needles — Correlation: 45% (Lyrics)
It's always a nightmare, it's never a dream — The promise we made to kill the days between — They live in the heartbeat and sleep til the light is gone

Apoptygma Berzerk - Fade To Black — Correlation: 45% (Lyrics)
Life it seems will fade away — Drifting further every day — Getting lost within myself — Nothing matters, no one else
No one but me can save myself but it's too late — Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Edguy - Heart of Twilight — Correlation: 45% (Lyrics)
An old illusion of understanding — Is fading day by day — The apparition of a future vision is black — Everytime I dive in depressions — The colors of life are grey

— Correlation: 45% (Lyrics)
Washed away — Like your face drawn in the sand — At the edge of the sea is how we end — Painful is the memory — We did it to ourselves!

Leaves Eyes - Velvet Heart — Correlation: 45% (Lyrics)
The ashes of love buried in the past — A masquerade of the lonely torn apart souls — Like marble halls in winter's sphere — I'm breathing you, wanting me — Within these never ending walls — These souls will never disappear

Blind Guardian - Prophecy
— Correlation:40% (Lyrics)
Walls, I'll tear them down — And guilt will break the silence — But there is no return

Inkubus Sukkubus - Love Spell — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
Your life you have offered freely to me — And mine I give to thee

Within Temptation - Paradise — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
No we're not in paradise — This is who we are — This is what we've got

The Birthday Massacre - In The Dark — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
Why can't I just trade a dream for a way —To peel back the shade behind the gray

Sirenia - The Path to Decay — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
Seems like I'm falling deeper, deeper inside myself — Feels like I'm growing weaker, much weaker each day — Along the path to decay — The lights are fading day by day — No cure for the lost, there's no ascending

Amaranthe - Digital World — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
You will never have to cry — Cause the future is sold — You can never die — And you'll never grow old — But everything — Surrounding you is digital
You respawn and mistakes will repeal — But you will always be searching for an answer

E.L.O. - Twilight — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
You brought me here, but can you take me back? — Inside the image of your light — That now is day and once was night

Krypteria - Turn the World around — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
come and resurrect what might have been — Turn the world around — Come on, bring it down and break it, turn it inside out

The Love Crave - Can You Hear Me — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
No you can't tell you don't know how it feels — You don't know how it's breaking me

Road to Consciousness - The Middle Path — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
I took the middle path — From this moment And forever — I'm not the one I used to be — I fell asleep In eternal dream

In Strict Confidence - Seven Lives — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
Forever seek my dream — Days and nights and endless stream — Come with me — My march goes on

The Birthday Massacre - Pins and Needles — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
It's been so long — Feels like pins and needles in my heart — So long — I can feel it tearing me apart

The Birthday Massacre - Sideways — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
How can you criticize — When you're not here to compromise? — Words fade as time goes by — Without you, without you

∆AIMON - Flatliner — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
when our hearts were strong — we could know no wrong — even in our fall — we won’t be broken

Beseech - Sunset 28 — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
Ease her pain and her guilts — Tell her that no one really knows — Help her find new solutions

Black Sabbath - A National Acrobat — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
Don't believe the life you have — Will be the only one — You have to let your body sleep — To let your soul live on

GAME 2 - Help Twilight
There is a way for Twilight to permanently reunite with her friends. I’ve hinted to this option in the story. Can you figure out a solution for Twilight?

Extra Hint 1: Four solutions in this story are hinted. One's just silly, one impractical and one's been used. It's the permanent and practical one that happily ever after can create.

Extra Hint 2: Try thinking inside a chimney.

Extra Hint 3: There’s a reason why Twilight keeps the entry portal around.

Extra Hint 4: If you read the story like a programmer, you have a greater chance of finding the solution.

Winners (there can be more than one):
InversionZone
5649580
vasa555

GAME 3 - Cry
To win this game you have to shed at least one tear, as a result of reading this story, then admit it in the comments.

Winners of Game 3:
deli73
Dragor
5352309

GAME 4
Record yourself reading this story aloud. Upload your mp3 to MLP: Audiobooks, for instance, and paste the link to your audio or video in the comments.

Reward: Link to your audio reading in the long description.

Winners of Game 4:
Charzoid (Chapter 1, Chapter 2)

disturbing and confusing, lots and lots of confusing.
didn't really like it all that much.

i really dont understand the backround of the story:applejackconfused: but otherwise good job:pinkiehappy:

made no sense at all.

Oh! They all died in the ABBA-lanche and Twilight's brain broke. Rockin'. :pinkiecrazy:

Wish you went through this and fixed your tenses.

“Yes, I should have! Your advices had always been grounded. I should had listened to you more. I should had talked to you more. You know I love you, Spike, don’t you?”

Your advice has always been grounded. I should HAVE listened to you more. I should HAVE talked to you more.

It's hard to read with it's structure and grammatical errors.

I love the new title. Also, this is much better than the earlier gdoc version I read and commented on before. :twilightsmile:

A few errors still slipped in, though. I'll leave comments on the doc later.

Awesome story. Kudos, my friend. :pinkiesmile:

4368770 4368774 4368814 4369007 As for tenses, I intentionally used Past Perfect Progressive tense as the things she is saying came before the event (which was more than a year ago). My editors never had a problem with this. But, as the reason for these tenses becomes evident only later in the story, I can see how this can be jarring to read.

I've upvoted your comments and will do so for any future criticism that I receive, because:
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/459205__safe_rarity_animated_sweetie%2Bbelle_image%2Bmacro_reaction%2Bimage_that%2Bis%2Bmy%2Bfetish_semi-dash-vulgar.gif
Thank you for your feedback.

4368894 No 'real' pony died yet. They are all still alive and frozen in time, until Twilight decides to return to reality.

4369036 You, my friend (and anypony else) can access my Google Doc here if you wish to grace me with detailed comments.

This story has been through around 4 title changes already, but I feel this one might stick as it describes the essence of the story most thoroughly.

Thank you again for all the edits and comments. I found them very valuable.

4369214

is there a reason that she couldn't pull them through the hole in reality she made?

4369295 It was the reality that was corrosive to the subspace. It's what erased them. Had they touched the darkness or the orb sooner they would get erased sooner. Twilight had warned them that it was dangerous for them to touch it. She herself was of reality and was therefore immune to the effects of it.

If Twilight can't find a way to save her friends, she'll make a way. And that works out about as well as one would think.

A sad piece, all the more so because it's somewhat believable. With no other options to preserve her friends, the princess of friendship retreats into her own navel (or her personal Calabi-Yau manifold) to spend as much time with them as she can.

Especially brilliant was Pinkie's line, "The rocks are trying to kill me again! The end is near!" At first, it seemed like a reference to her childhood. (We knew it was troubled; we just never understood the source of the trouble.) In time, it becomes clear that Twilight did too good a job of reconstructing her; she can perceive her own artificiality. And, perhaps, that this is not the first cycle of conjuration and decay Twilight has gone through here.

Thinking about it, that's yet another tragedy. Twilight may finally be able to understand Pinkie, but at what cost?

Thank you for a morbid but highly enjoyable story.

4369760 Some readers complained, that this story is hard to understand and I agree with them. It's not just the usual reality that this story refers to. It's a different concept that many haven't been introduced to before, so I can imagine how foreign this may seem to some. I tried to explain the physics of it all, but there are quite some pieces that the reader has to connect in order to understand the situation Twilight finds herself in.

I'm glad you had no problems with comprehension. I also like your headcanon about Pinkie Pie. The original reference I was going for was from Maud Pie episode (where rocks almost killed Pinkie Pie), but your interpretation works just as well.

I had to tag this story Teen for morbidity, even though no real pony dies (yet) in this story.

Confused. :rainbowderp::rainbowhuh:
I am very, very confused. :rainbowderp::rainbowhuh:
Maybe I shouldn't be reading this at night?

Well, I agree with everyone else.

It was kind of confusing. But also really sad. Rarity's scolding and Rainbow Dash's realization doubly so. There were also some punctuation errors, but you appear to have a guy for that.

4370164 4370175 This story is packed with hints and puzzle pieces. Everything is explained and evident, however, if you miss a sentence or two, you won't be able to understand it. It's an out of this world concept (literally) and not some slice of life that can be skimmed over.

Even though the concept isn't easy to understand, I would like to make the story clearer if there is still any room for that. It would help me tremendously if you told me what you are confused about.

I sadly don't have any dedicated editor, but anypony is welcome to point out any mistake in the public Google Doc of this story.

4370200

It's my night brain... I can't think correctly. :twilightsheepish::twilightsheepish::twilightsheepish:
I'm sure I'll be able to understand in the morning. :twilightsmile:
Otherwise, great! :twilightsmile:

I hope Twilight can let go... eventually. Did they already or is it just that they will. Not sure why she couldn't just vaporize/atomize the rock or block it with a shield spell. Sometimes Twilight really stupid.

4370628

“Couldn’t you have teleported all of us here?” Spike asked.

“There wasn’t enough time...

If you look at the spells she does in the show, you can see that most of them aren't instant casts. Self blink (teleportation), however, can be done in a blink of an eye. Had she attempted what you suggested, they would all die there and then. The way she solved their predicament saved everypony from certain death.

All of you are still alive, both here and there.

Nopony is getting hurt, as long as she doesn't step into reality. As soon as she does, the time will start flowing again (from her perspective).

In my personal headcanon, she does step into reality eventually, but not on the safe spot. She joins her friends in the end. She is the Princess of Friendship, after all.

I’ve also given a hint for yet another solution in the story. I wonder if anypony will be able to figure it out. :unsuresweetie:

The entire series is just a figment of Twilight imagination:pinkiegasp:

4371048 That's not exactly my headcanon, but I can see, how the story could be interpreted the way you described it.

4371051
Yeah it is a bit of a stretch, but I'm still trying to figure out why someone would put this in the evil twilight group:unsuresweetie:

4371067 Necromancy = evil. What Twilight does is essentially raising the dead. If that isn't evil, then I'm not sure if anything is. That's just my line of thought, though. Do you want me to remove this story from said folder anyway? :unsuresweetie:

4371071 Nah it's fine, but from the story you made it out as if twilight cloned them, not necromancy.
If anything it shows insanity

4371098 The point is, she made life out of non-life. And that life was bound to get destroyed and she knew that beforehand. She had killed her friends, then decided to kill them again, and again,...

I do understand your point of view, though. She didn't have many alternatives to what she did. Not sure if that makes it morally okay, but it does justify her actions to some extent.

The issue of the morality of her actions is one of the cornerstones of this fic, so it's kind of hard to define whether she was evil or good, because the fic tries to raise that question, not answer it (I intended for the reader to decide if it was moral or not).

I will support any decision you make regarding the folder this story was placed into. Your points are very valid.

4371114
It's not my group , so I won't do anything to it.:twilightsheepish: I guess if you look at that way it could be somewhat evil in a selfish kind of way. Anyways I guess I'll classify this as one of those morally grey areas:pinkiecrazy:
Now it's sleep time for this one

4370675
Heh. Well I probably would have been really cruel if it were me writing and decided that as an alicorn she can't die or at least that this didn't kill her. Of course, my writing's not great and how much of crumpled, broken alicorn can anyone put up with? Sure, she'd heal eventually, but laying crushed under a rock with the remains of your friends for company until someone comes out, either to check on them, or just to find out about the noise, etc can't be fun at all.

A double clone would be pretty interesting just stick your horn out the hole and resynthesize your friends further away using the bit inside the subspace as a model... Of course, we'd all be wondering if they could ever really be the ponies they were before, but still...

4375735 I really like the ideas you are having. You should totally be a writer.

The scene of immortal alicorn being stuck with her friends under the boulder is very powerful. My headcanon says that that's where she ends up, but you really put another dimension to it. :pinkiecrazy:

I do actually have a sequel for this story in my mind, but I decided not to write it just because it would be to cruel and ironic. It's about her healing herself mentally, but not in a good way.

I've gotten some responses, that this story, is more tragic than they can put up with, so writing more of it would also get me more hate.

I imagine she'd be stucked under that boulder for quite some time. The path they are on is dusty and overgrown, pointing to it pretty much being abandoned.

That idea of double cloning is interesting, but in my opinion it isn't possible because:
- You can't build a copy while the time is running, and she can't stop the real world time.
- this:

the moment I exit back to reality is the moment you all die.”

“Here or there?” Rainbow Dash held her head with her forehooves.

“Both.”

The default state of subspace is it being empty. When Twilight messes with it it's an anomaly. When she exits it, the subspace assumes its default state.

SPOILER WARNING. I think

So basically, The main six are about to get killed by a rockslide. Twilight only has the ability to save herself, but rather than do that she instead locks the others in a subspace time loop so she can power hug them over and over for the rest of eternity..

Did I get that right?

------——----—--
Almost no setup, and just a solid block of Twilight freaking out will no resolution other than a 'return to story start' line. Sorry but I have to down vote this.

4378951 I value all constructive feedback (I upvoted your comment to show my appreciation for criticism) and I commend you on your honesty, sir. Of all the downvotes I received, yours was my favorite. Thank you. I’ll try to learn from it.

I'll ponder on what you said and will try to find a solution to the (lack of) setup problem.

4379013
It's a personal rule of mine to always try to explain why I dislike something.. I guess anonymous down thumbs just seem rude.

------
On the setup issue perhaps a paragraph showing Twilight setting up the subspace. The way it currently reads, the lack of information leads me to be more irritated a twilights refusal to explain than empathetic.

4379071 I tried to give readers a rollercoaster ride by giving them bits of information to the puzzle that they can then piece together. I wanted readers to have that epiphany moment, by giving the setup at the end of the story.

As her channel touched one of the branches, a leaf started to form in the nothingness behind her.

By doing this at the end instead of the beginning, I only managed to confuse readers.

With Twilight, withholding the information, I tried to show, that she is still in denial even after so much time. She's still incapable of coming to terms with it all.
With this, I only managed to frustrate readers.

I think I see it now. I was being to ambitious. I wanted to make something new and epic. In the process I broke the main pillars of storytelling. You gave me a lot to ponder on. Thank you.

This is quite a good story! Granted it has flaws but I really enjoyed it. Its a really creative idea so well done!

4379186 I really enjoyed this, contrary to what others have said i think the way you wrote this is amazing. I loved the mystery side where the reader has to actually think and can come up with different ideas as more information is presented. I think if you showed her creating the subspace in the opening paragraph it would have ruined it. What is the point in a mystery story if the biggest most crucial facts are just handed to you in the beginning? It just makes it boring. As if we knew what happened from the beginning it ruins the plot of "why is Twilight acting weird and clingy".

4383762 Your comment just made my day. What you said was exactly what I was going for. I wanted to hook the reader at the start and present the information about the inner workings when reader would crave for it.

I didn't want to start the story with: Here's how subspace works. Here's how the timeflow varies. Nopony would care.

However, I do still agree with 4378951. Perhaps, if there was more plot to this story, the concept of it would be easier to grasp. Initially I thought that it would take away readers focus from the concept that this fic is meant to be about, but now I think I was wrong. A concrete story could perhaps give a reader the platform on which he/she could apprehend the overreaching concept making it shine even brighter.

Also, stories usually start with a solid setup. That method was proven to work time and again. Despite my initial cutting out of the things that I deemed as ‘not needed’, I'm considering adding chapter 1 to this story, making the current state of it chapter 2. The reader would then be able to experience past events instead of them just being referred to. I could also make it obvious that self-teleportation was the only way to go.

Of course, I'll have to think about this some more, before I decide to rewrite this fic. There are pros and cons on both sides.

I liked this. It's a bit rough around the edges, but altogether good.

Three words: I loved it. There's nothing else needed to be said that hasn't been already. I've been waiting for another great story of yours, and this is it! Keep up the good work! :pinkiehappy:

4369760 4382627, 4402335, 4390471

The negative comments (positive in my eyes) that I've received thus far can be summarized in 4 lines:
4368770, 4368814, 4369295, 4370164, 4370175, 4370628, 4371048
* Confusing — Fixed. At first I tried to make the story into a mystery, so that the readers would slowly uncover what's going on and then at the end have an epiphany moment. I changed the story so that It's no longer a mystery fic (I’m sorry, 4383762). All the confusing parts are now clearly expressed instead. The reader gets the relevant information early on and not just at the end, as was the case before.

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* What's with Twilight? — Fixed. More thoughts and reactions from Twilight on all relevant points. The reader now knows what Twilight is going through.

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* No setup — Fixed with addition of a new chapter, setting up the story. With Chapter 1 now in place, this fic is now concluded.

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* Other minor errors — Fixed. I must have self-edited this story more than 50 times :pinkiecrazy:, and I’ve also had multiple editors have a look at it.

I thank you all for your feedback. Without it I could not have raised the quality of this story to the current level. An outside perspective can really help out an author. What you see now before you is essentially a rewrite.

Princess of Friendship. (Google Doc link)
The awesome cover art for this story was provided by NCMares.

4.bp.blogspot.com/-qKs8tiWH3Do/U23aqhOO2MI/AAAAAAABxQU/NKlDCVukBRk/s1600/yLCsXVC.gif

GAME 1 - Comment section minigame for Chapter 1 (anypony can play it in the comment section of this chapter):
Does this story remind you of a song you know? If yes, post it in the comments in the following format:
- A link to the the song.
- Percentage of correlation (0% being an unrelated song, 100% being a song written exactly for this chapter).
- Reason why this song reminded you of this story or the excerpt of the lyrics that you found similar to a scene in the fic.

Winners will get to have their names and songs included in my music recommendation list for this story (music that is appropriate for listening while reading this fic):
Radiarc - Princess — Correlation: 70%

Kenny Loggins - Danger Zone — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
I'll take you right into the Danger Zone

Edenbridge - Higher — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
You can flee you can be — Your own enemy — In the end you will see no daylight

The Birthday Massacre - Control — Correlation 50% (Lyrics)
We lose control of the moment

Honestly? I feel the story is weaker now. There's no mystery, no impetus to piece together what happened, no creeping realization of unreality. In short, no reason to keep reading after the first chapter. All there is is a pony collapsing in on herself in a fit of guilt and madness. I'm not claiming that true art has to be incomprehensible, but the original definitely felt like a better story. Most of the complaints you listed completely miss the point of what you were going for.

4506287 You're right. I did sacrifice the mystery part of it. There was no way around it. Readers were getting confused by the mystery, despite the full reveal at the end.

I really wanted readers to fully understand the situation that Twilight finds herself in. Cutting out the mystery was the only way to make way for clarity. I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to do. :fluttershyouch:

Edit: I've saved the one-shot version that you liked better. Anypony can access it here: Princess of Friendship as it was on 13th May 2014 (Google Doc).

I just read the new prologue, and I sorta agree with 4506287.

I haven't read the new chapter 2 yet, so my context here might be wrong now, but personally I think chapter 1 could've ended here:

Her mind stopped; instincts took over. Magic burst forth from her horn, enveloping her body. Just before the impact, the fields connected in a flash of light, teleporting her

EDIT: I stopped reading chapter 2 after 5 paragraphs. Sorry, friend, but now I'm just sad because I felt the parts that I loved about the original oneshot is gone now. Oh well, can't please everypony...

4506211
You've fixed the major issue I had with this story. Down thumb retracted.

4506211 thanks for the extra chap makes the story much better to understand

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There's still some mystery in this fic for those that seek it. So far, nopony has figured out a solution to the Game 2 yet.

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I wrote Chapter 1 with you guys in mind. I'm glad you found it to your satisfaction.

4506907 i'm guessing the answer to game 2 is for twilight to give up her immortality and princess hood and then die

4506827 the original one shot was chapter two. Chap 1 was added because mystery was overpowering understanding and infuriating most of the readers. There are still flaws, but it's not a train wreck like it was before.

4507032 Good try, have an upvote; but no, that is not the correct answer.

If she does this right, she can be reunited with her friends and they can live happily ever after. Your answer does not meet that scenario and is therefore false. You can try again. :twilightsmile:

4507052 back to the drawing board

4507072 That is what most readers assume, yes. However, repeating what she's been through in Chapter 2 does not meet the 'live happily ever after' criteria. You can guess again if you want. :pinkiecrazy:

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