• Member Since 12th Aug, 2013
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Bad Dragon


I write so that one day I may finally stop writing and be free, but these damn new ideas keep finding ways into my brain. I need to write more to keep up with them!

E

Darkness from beyond the borders of reality yearns for a vessel to invade. Sweetie Belle loses her magic and wants it back. She finds a remedy for her injured horn, but things don’t go back to normal. Sometimes, a cure can be even worse than the poison, as the filly is about to learn.

Author's note: Every weekend, a new chapter will be published until the story ends. That's a Pinkie promise!

Chapters (27)
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Comments ( 258 )

spelling mistakes... a lot of them:derpytongue2:

And here I thought I finally got rid of all the typos. :unsuresweetie:
I promise that they will all be fixed. [edit: They are all fixed now.]

You can help me by telling me about them or you can just fix them on the original:
Public Google Doc

I welcome all the corrections, comments and ideas.


Edit: I started doing this first comment thing on every chapter, so I'm updating it here as well:
Comment section minigame for the Prologue of Bad Dragon Clop Collaboration:

Does this scene remind you of a song that you know? If yes, post it in the comments in the following format:
- A link or embedded Youtube video of it.
- Percentage of correlation (0% being an unrelated song, 100% being a song written exactly for this story).
- Reason why this song reminded you of this story or the excerpt of the lyrics that is similar to a scene in the fic.

Music recommendations for reading Prologue:
South Park - Cartman and Cthulhu Song — Correlation: 80% (Lyrics) [Recommended by 5429944]
the evil hate filled cthulhu — from a dimension far away — flying through gates of madness — and into your heart —
turning dreams into nightmares

Hey There Cthulhu — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
Hey there Cthulhu, down there in your sunken city — You’re a billion light years distant and the stars look very pretty — From R’lyeh — So close and yet so far away

Judas Priest - A Touch of Evil — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
Aroused with desire — You put me in a trance — A vision of fire — I never had a chance — A dark angel of sin — Preying deep from within — Come take me in — I'm so afraid — But i still feed the flame

American Horror Story — Freak Show — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
Me and God, we don't get along so now I sing — No one's gonna take my soul away
It's innocence lost — Innocence lost — When you talk it's like a movie and you're making me crazy — Cause life imitates art

Athamay - Dreams — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
Your grin it widens as you fuck me up — In my dreams your coming — My bodies limp, my minds gone numb — Can't face the agony you put me through

Type O Negative - Be My Druidess — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
I feel you shake so deep inside, — Oh scream my name and hold me tight. — I'll do anything to make you cum

Beyond Twilight - Shadowland — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
Feel the fire strong desire — Something's waiting there for me — Deep inside I have a feeling — This was meant to be

Atargatis - Angels Crying — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
Forlorn souls echo through visions surreal. — Stifled hoarse cries with salvation's last tear.

Okay, I just fixed all of the errors I could find in the Google Doc. However, there are some stylistic choices that I would question. Why does Sweetie Belle seem so out of character? Also, I would change her thought dialogue from 'thoughts' to thoughts. The second one is tho proper way to write thoughts.

I really appreciate every input that you made to Google Doc, CartsBeforeHorses. The story is now updated and rid of all known typos. It seems I've gotten more rusty than I thought (It's been 20 years since I last wrote anything).
I also followed your advice and changed all the thoughts ('This latest idea might just work.' -> This latest idea might just work.)

As for Sweetie Bell being out of character:
She has mostly good moments on the show, but when she gets pushed into a corner, she will snap back with force. Her mindset in this story has its basis in the show. Her 'issues' were hinted on several occasions. To name a few:
She is portrayed as careless and irresponsible (Even when she tries to help Rarity she messes everything up.)
She is oblivious to her own mistakes (Everything she did for Rarity was wrong. Yet she was proud of it all.)
She doesn't have any big emotional attachments to other ponies (She renounced Rarity as her sister and replaced her with Apple Jack in span of a single day.)
She ignores the feelings of her fellow ponies (Takes Apple Bloom's place in the race, despite it being a traditional family thing between Apple Bloom and Apple Jack.)
She has double standards (She is mad when Rarity takes her public school newspaper from her bag, but afterward she publishes Rarity's personal journal for everypony to read.)

She has also been depicted as a robot in many memes and fiction stories (I'm not the only one that suspects her of having deficiencies in her emotional domain).

In the show she doesn't exhibit her real personality that often, because situations usually aren't that extreme. But you can see it when a conflict situation arises. It is a part of her.
Same thing in this story. In the beginning she displays no mental problems. She is a cheerful member of CMC on a relatively mundane mission. It's when she gets challenged that she starts to show her real self. Through events you get to see more and more of her uncensored self. Not just because of the profound outside stimulants, but also because of her inner struggles. And perhaps some of those self-discoveries are a permanent kind (spoiler alert).

You did make a very good point though. These things are perhaps not as self-evident as I have imagined. Maybe the story should somehow incorporate more of the above explanations. Perhaps in later chapters?

Now, I'm quite fine with Sweetie becoming belligerent at times, and oblivious to other ponies. However, I'm pretty sure that she would pick up on her friend's discomfort and I think she's the least likely of them to call each other names. She's also probably the most likely to admit that her plan was a bad one. So, to me, she felt a bit out of character.

The other thing I'll mention right away is the formatting. Please either indent new paragraphs, put a line of space between the paragraphs, or do both.

I also felt some of the descriptions could be worded a bit better. There were times where I had to reread a sentence to get the imagery to fit right in my mind.

Thanks for writing,
~SilentBelle.

Yes, Sweetie Bell is not acting the way she would act in an usual episode of the show. But that's because she's is being challenged by environment and her friends. Also she wants the cutie mark really bad.
By the end of the chapter she does evolve into a less empathic self. That is intentional. This change will allow her to thread the spiraling path of her new epic quest. One does not simply decide to seek out immortality one day. She gets pushed toward it by the outside forces and hidden agendas within. She cannot take on a world by herself with her happy-happy persona. She needs to reach deep inside to find the strength she needs.

So yes, you are right. This story is not a wholesome representation of Sweetie Bell. It is an exploration of her deeper self that was hinted on the show only when she was facing troubling situations.
If environment and her inner dilemmas in this story are different from the ones on the show, then her reactions also might diverge from those on the show. In respect to that she can chose to express more of her shady personality than she does on the show. She could even learn to control it, or get permanently controlled by it. :unsuresweetie:
It's hard to compare her usual mundane self from the show, to her responses in extreme struggles that are envisioned in this story. This dubious aspect of her in stressful situations was not fully explored on the show. As such it can be opened to interpretations. And this is what this story is about. Exploration of her unhindered self from my subjective view of her deviant hidden persona. I’ve built my view from hints in the show. In this story I built on them. A diferent writer could have just neglected her suspicious behaviour and pieced together a completely different picture of her personal profile. I am not saying that my view is the only right one. What I am claiming is, that my view is one of the possible views.

Also, ponies do mature and so can she. In this story she becomes greater than her childish self. She does that by tapping deeper in to her inner strength. On the show she does it only on ocasions. But that doesn't mean her primal force isn't always there. Lurking. Waiting to be released.

I wanted to make this chapter just for this purpose. To show the transition from her usual self to her evolved self. It’s a big transition and that may be why she felt out of her character. Thank you again for letting me know about it. I added the school incident to fix that. Now the story starts with her transition already taking place spanning back to earlier that day. With it I hoped to elaborate on why she wanted a cutie mark so bad, and why she wouldn’t give up on it.
Another way to approach this would be to prolong her mundane life in the first chapter portraying her usual character. I am afraid that would make a story less entertaining though, so I probably won’t explore this option.


More to the points that you've made:
Picking up on her friend's discomfort requires empaty. In the show she showed lack of that on more than one ocasion. And besides, she did help Scootaloo when she asked for help.

Calling her friends names would indeed be out of her character. She doesn’t enjoy hurting other ponies (althow she did try to hurt Babs).
s24.postimg.org/nds3a0bw5/Sweetie_Bell_is_spiteful.png
In this story she only resorts to calling her friends names once. And she diden’t call them ‘chickens’ to hurt them, but to motivate them (And Scootaloo needed a lot of motivating, so she pointed him out).

Admiting her plan was a bad one, would be something she would normally do. However, she was extra motivated that day (with now added school incident even more so) and had also just decided to stop being a doormat all the time. She staked all her hopes on this one attempt. It’s hard to admit defeat if you don’t have an alternate plan of action. In her mind, giving up on this was giving up on her biggest goal and accepting that her worst fears shall come into fruition.


You were spot on about formating. It is much easier to read now, with lines of space among paragraphs.

As for descriptions, I could use some examples. Are you saying there should be more of them?
I intentionally kept only the essential ones. I tried to get rid of all the useless descriptions that woulden’t add anything relevant to the story. As a consequence more of it is left to your imagination. I thought that would be a good thing, though.
I am incapable of reading stories that have descriptions just for the sake of filling the pages with words. Perhaps I overcompensated for that in the story.

I would be glad to hear about descriptions that are lacking. If there is a sentence in the story that needs to be read twice to be understood, I would like to know about it. I am at a stage where it’s hard for me to notice such things. I know the purpose and meaning of every sentence in the story, even before I read it. It’s hard for me to form first impressions on something that I’ve seen a hundred times before. If somepony were to point them out, it would be most appreciated. They can be coloured or commented in Public Google Doc.

Hi there Dragor,

I am happy that I helped you with this story ^^ I was amazed I had it in me to do that, I'm sorry for not being online lately but have hade a busy week and still have, work is kinda busy and school will start soon agian for me :S. I felt so honored that our talk made you make this story I hope i will get my second chapter up but that might take some time now

Best wishes,

Rainbowjack

You welcomed me to the herd and introduced me to FiM fiction. Before that I was just being a noob brony thinking memes are the bulk of the fandom.
After reading your lovely story, inspiration got the better of me. :unsuresweetie:
That was the first week since my initial infection that I didn't even crave for my daily fix of pony memes anymore. Under your influence I have now transitioned to harder substances (reading and writing PonyFics).
I thank you again for that, RainbowJack.

3119991

Thats cool, your very welcome . i just wanted to show you that thaere is more then just memes out there, and there is more to the fandom then just that. I'm happy you liked it so much and hope that over time you make more stories

This is SO good so far! Great job :)

With Sweetie Belle's obsessive, conquering internal voice so dangerous and dark, I nearly suspected it of being her own nightmare. 'Twas probably the ' They come from within me. Therefore they are me.' quandary that made me wonder. I suppose that could be true, from a certain point of view.
Your fic starts out light and interesting, and descends rather suddenly into enslaving when Sweetie begins to expose some out-of (or rather, let us say 'as-yet-unexplored') character traits, revealing her ""[H]er primal force ... always there. Lurking. Waiting to be released."
Downright tingly, that sentence.
I shall be watching with great expectations.

I'm not the best writer out there, but here are my two bits (I really have to stop using that expression).

I think the writing style you're using is a bit too mature for Sweetie Belle, especially some of the expressions in her thoughts, unless she's writing about it in her later years. The story also jumps around a bit from one occurrence to the next, and some sentences are too fragmented at the beginning, although I did read your comment about trying to keep useless descriptions out. I think it could do with a few more. Scootaloo's near drowning, on the other hoof, could use less. It's a bit drawn out, both in writing and the time I perceived it to take, but I could be wrong. There's also the question of how Sweetie Belle could tell that there was an even colder layer beneath her before she reached it. I would add something about her reaching it and swimming upwards at that point, but there are other ways to explain that.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh - I don't mean it that way :twilightblush: but I'm a bit tired so my writing isn't the best right now. I loved the part where Scootaloo asks Sweetie Belle if she got her hoof stuck. That was perfectly written! And I quite like this other side of Sweetie Belle in general. Can't wait to see how you're going to develop her character in the next chapters!

Greetings, Dragor. This begins the review you requested from WRITE.

First off, let me clear a few of these elephants from the room. You've encouraged people to go to a GDoc opened for public editing. Mistake number one: do not ever leave a document open for public editing. It is only a matter of time before somebody screws with it, because people are assholes. At least you'd have a backup copy on FiMFiction, but it's still asking for trouble.

Second, you're asking people to do your work for you. If a math teacher comes and fills out a student's worksheet for him, what does he learn? The point of getting a review is that you learn how to identify problems and fix them yourself. If you don't do that, you're not going to improve.

And third, the number of responses you're getting is quite normal. You've got a vote and a comment for about every 20 views, which is well within a typical range.

Okay, to the actual review.

Synopsis:
You've got all these sentences on separate lines, but without blank lines between them. I assume you're trying to make them all separate paragraphs, but formatted like that, it looks like poetry, and it's a bad idea to have so many short paragraphs anyway. It's also cliched to use rhetorical questions in your synopsis. They basically answer themselves, so posing them as questions in the first place is a farce. Your synopsis at least describes a mood, but it doesn't tell me anything about what happens in the story. I get more from the title.

Okay, on the the story itself.

This latest idea might just work. I thought.

Incorrect dialogue punctuation. When you transition from a quote to a speech tag, replace a period with a comma. Any other end punctuation would be left alone. But consider how natural this sounds. It smacks of a narrative, self-aware voice, not something a child would say.

I just don’t know what could go wrong. And I bet this is how Derpy Hooves got her cutie mark.

Please tell me that's not a cliched Derpy joke...

After grabbing our gear, we left for the lake. We sang our Cutie Mark Crusaders anthem. Scootaloo and Apple bloom were in high spirits, and their mood was infectious. But I still couldn’t fully distract my mind from replaying the incident at the school from earlier that day.

Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara played a really cruel joke on me. During a recess Silver Spoon stopped beside me and pointed at my backside. “Is that a cutie mark?”

I instantaneously jumped with joy and turned my head to inspect it.

Diamond Tiara didn’t even bother to look at me. She casually responded as if it was self-evident. “No, that’s just a blank flank. You get that for being an imbecile at everything.”

Luckily most of my class-ponies including Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were playing outside. I curled up in my desk and hugged my hind legs. The shame was overwhelming. I could hardly stop myself from crying. I knew they had planned it in advance, but the way Diamond Tiara dismissed me was just hurtful. Something inside me just wanted to snap. I fought it, and eventually managed to calm myself down a bit. I knew that we had planed a mission that could change it all; Hope that I would finally earn my cutie mark that day was the only thing that gave me comfort. Without that I wouldn’t be able to stand another hour of being in the same classroom with those two bullies.

Okay, big quote, lots to say. Read this out loud. See how so many of the sentences start with the subject, are about the same length, and have a downward inflection? When the story's rhythm gets into a rut like this, it makes the story boring to read. Mix up your structures some more. Subject-first will probably still be your go-to structure, but you don't want to have too many of them in a row.

Next, look how often you bluntly tell me how a character is feeling. This is the classic show-versus-tell problem. Here's my tasty copypasta on the subject:

It’s better to imply emotional context than to state it outright. Telling can be likened to reading the script instead of watching the play. Showing gets the reader to identify with the character and deduce the emotion for himself, which necessarily forms a connection between them. If the emotion is stated plainly, it’s a cold fact with little meaning to the reader. Consider an actor. Does he simply walk out on stage and declare, “I’m sad”? That would give you the information you need, but it’s not very interesting. Instead, he might slump his shoulders, have bloodshot eyes, fidget, get distracted easily, etc. We’re already hardwired to perceive others’ emotion that way, so doing it in writing makes it more natural. By getting the reader to interpret these signs, the author has made him put himself in the character’s mindset, which creates a connection between them. This includes any sort of conclusion the narrator might make for the reader, including use of such words as “obvious,” “clear,” “surprising,” etc., depending on the situation, of course. The author should place himself as an observer in the scene and present only what he can perceive; we want the evidence, not the judgment. Of course, there are times that telling can be acceptable or even good. Showing is more crucial during scenes that are critical to the plot or when emotions run high, but in an out-of-the-way remark of little importance, it wouldn’t do much harm. It’s up to the author to determine whether it’s an instance where the information is enough, or whether he wants the reader to feel something along with the character. Another good use is when writing something that is supposed to sound like children’s literature. The biggest red flags for telling are outright naming of emotions (sad), -ly adverb form (happily), and prepositional phrase form (in excitement). The last one in particular is almost always redundant with an action it follows and can often be cut without harming anything. Tools for showing include body language, dialogue, thoughts, reactions, facial expression, and actions, and a good mix should be used to avoid relying too much on any one of them.

So, look through this passage again. See how often you use words and phrases like "in high spirits," "jumped with joy," "the shame." Since you've chosen a first-person narrator, you get somewhat of a pass in having Sweetie Belle relate her own emotions, but don't be so direct with everyone else's.

And a few mechanical things. Use commas with your little asides (including Apple Bloom and Scootaloo), "planned" is misspelled, and don't capitalize after a semicolon.

I haven’t confined in anypony about this. What good would it do? I don’t have a cutie mark and there is only one solution for that.

I believe you meant "confided." Watch the comma use with conjunctions. You generally use one to separate clauses. You have separate subject-verb pairs ("I don't have" and "there is"), so there should be a comma between the clauses.

I schooled her.

That just sounds very strange. That's not a dialogue action I've ever seen before.

As she was saying this, her front left leg sank into the patch of moist mud. She bent her front right leg to catch her balance. It stabilised her, but caused her body to crumble down. Her leg couldn’t bear the load. It drifted under her as she collapsed on top of it.

I believe you want "crumple," not "crumble," and the "down" is redundant. This is a very sterile description. It gives me the facts and nothing else. What is Scootaloo doing that would reveal how she feels? And how does Sweetie Belle feel about what's happening? She's telling it like she's reading a lab report. A story should be entertaining, not factual. And mud is pretty much moist by definition, isn't it?

just bellow the surface

Another typo. "below" I can tell you've at least spell-checked this, because the misspelled words are actually other words. While most grammar checkers are right half the time at best, they can still help you spot problems. I have to believe one would have seen most of your typos. GDocs has one, in fact. Did you turn it off? I'm not going to mark any more typos, unless they're in excerpts I'm grabbing anyway. This group is more for general reviews, not detailed editing.

Muscles gave way and her sea-lion like posture tumbled back in to the water.

This says that her posture tumbled into the water, not that she did. Watch how you word things.

I looked at Apple Bloom and she looked back in disarray and wonder.

Watch the close repetition of "look." And you have some more telly language here, by the way.

From all the compulsions I felt on my back with my flank against Scootaloo’s back.

That doesn't parse. It's not a complete sentence, and I can't figure out what you're trying to say.

“Did you hear her voice!” I jested.

That's a question, isn't it? That's also a very odd speaking verb that's awfully formal and advanced for a child.

high pitch voice

Hyphenate your compound descriptors: high-pitched.

“You should have seen yourself,” I changed my voice to mimic an overconfident mare: “This is how you walk without falling.”

Three problems. You can't transition out of a quote and back in when the two parts of the quote are separate sentences. Don't use a colon as the transition punctuation unless it's the only transition. And your speech tag doesn't contain a speaking action.

“glup, glup—Heeeeelp—glup, glub.”

I... have no idea what this is supposed to be.

Her teeth grinned in profound anguish and pain.

It's generally a bad idea to attribute actions to body parts. And some more telly language.

the coast

This is a lake, right? You normally use "coast" for something much larger. Try "shore."

Scootaloo exclaimed. “Why are you laughing at me! I almost drowned!”

You're missing the dialogue tag punctuation again. Use a comma between the attribution and the quote. And that first sentence is a question.

where Scootaloo had laid

Tricky verb. It's actually "had lain."

At that point she just wanted everything to end.

Be careful of head-hopping. Here, Sweetie Belle (the narrator) is oddly aware of Scootaloo's internal thoughts. You actually switched to Scootaloo's perspective here for a single sentence. Perspective shifts can be done, but they have to be smooth and restricted to when they actually add something. And if one is justified here, certainly it'd last longer than one sentence. In general, at least, but because you have a first-person narrator, you shouldn't be changing point of view. Show us how Sweetie Belle might figure this out by what Scootaloo does.

“We are on a mission here Cutie Mark Crusaders!”

When one character addresses another by name, title, or reference, you have to set it apart with commas.

We won’t throw in the towel just because you two afraid to get your coats wet.

There's a word missing in there.

“—Maybe you should ask Rarity to make you a soggy bathing suit,” she japed.

I have no idea what this is supposed to mean.

OK

Spell it out as "okay."

“I don’t think it works like that, Sweetie Bell.” Apple Bloom rolled her eyes.

Misspelled "Sweetie Belle." I wanted to point out the eye roll here. This is good showing. This is how you communicate emotion without saying it.

Schootaloo

spelling

From here on, I'm just seeing more of the same things. So, what do we have?

Mechanics:
This needs lots of editing help. There are dedicated groups for line-by-line editing; this isn't one of those. Moreover, you need someone who will explain why things are wrong so you'll understand how to avoid making the same mistakes again. I've tried to do what I can here, but that's not really the purpose of this review.

There were plenty of spelling and grammatical errors that something like GDocs will help you catch, if you care to let it. You also have an odd habit of not including question marks on questions.

Really, it's just more and more instances of things I pointed out in the detailed feedback. There's no great insight I can add here.

Style:
I already gave you the speech about show versus tell. That's a big issue.

Another is your liberal use of "to be" verbs. They take so many forms, but as an example, I counted 57 instances of "was." That's a lot for this length of story. You need to be choosing more active verbs. It's much more interesting to read about what's happening than what is. They'll grab the reader's interest.

I don't understand your system of when to present thoughts directly (placed in italics) or indirectly (stated by the narrator). Inasmuch as the narrator is Sweetie Belle, there isn't much need for direct thought at all, though there are times it may be appropriate. I really didn't notice any direct thoughts that would have been out of place in the narration, though.

Characterization:
I see a lot of people have claimed Sweetie Belle to be out of character in your comments. I don't think it's as fundamental a problem as they do, but there is a grain of truth to it. If one reader complains about something, it may be something that just struck him oddly. But the more that mention it, the more you have to accept that it's a problem. I can certainly understand that Sweetie Belle might get into this frame of mind, but her attitude is all over the place. She's already fixated on making this dive from the beginning, and she wavers back and forth between enjoying her friends' presence and being dismissive of them when they don't play along as she would like. You're rather jerking the reader around by doing this. Real people do have mood swings, but the trick is to make them believable. You might do better by having a smoother transition where she gradually gets frustrated with her friends, then regains her good mood at the end. It'd be much less erratic than her jumpiness now.

A word about your narrative voice. I recommend keeping a narrator pretty close to a focus character's voice in word choice and intelligence/vocabulary level. It forges a closer connection between the reader and the character. This is especially important in a first-person narration, where the narrator is the character. Your narrator is Sweetie Belle, but doesn't sound at all like her. This is a blank-flanked child, and yet she's using very formal language and very advanced diction. Japed? The muddy prison suddenly relinquished its possession? These aren't things I could hear Sweetie Belle saying anywhere close to that age. For that matter, I doubt she would even know half the big words you tossed in there. Bottom line: Sweetie Belle is supposed to be telling this story, but it sounds nothing like her.

Plot:
I don't have that much to say about the plot. The events you've laid out are reasonable enough, and there aren't any lapses in logic. What I will say is that you need to define the conflict a little better. Sweetie Belle's obviously agitated about her cutie mark, but what makes this time different from any other? And then the climax is so vague. She stays underwater and "something happens." She doesn't know what. Her friends don't know what. We don't know what. As it ends up being the driving emotional force behind the whole thing, it's a bad idea to leave it so nebulous. What happened? How does Sweetie Belle feel about it? How has the experience changed her? How will things be different for her now? What has she learned about herself? These are the types of questions a story should answer. Either a conflict must be set up with clear stakes (What does she want? Why does she want it? What bad thing will happen if she doesn't get it?), or a character must grow in some way. That's what gives a story interest. That's what you need to do. It's not all going to be resolved in the first chapter, of course, but you need to establish the conflict and the stakes pretty early in a story, or the reader will lose interest.

Lastly, I don't really see how this merits the Dark tag. It reads as pretty normal to me. Sure, Sweetie Belle gets a bit angry, but who doesn't? That tag may actually be costing you some readers, and I don't think it's necessary. I suppose that might come out more in later chapters.

Overall:
I can tell you're not an experienced writer. These things don't happen overnight. Practice. Maybe you'll feel like putting a lot of work into this story, and maybe you'll feel like moving on. But write as many different things as you can. Read a lot, too. Find stories you enjoy and figure out what it is that makes them good to you. That's how we all improve. You try new things yourself, you learn what you can from the people who are good at it, and you get feedback to correct what you're doing wrong. That's the prescription here: patience, time, and experience. Don't give up on it, but don't rush it, either.

Keep writing and have fun with it!

Pascoite, WRITE's mineral
fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/349/4/b/reviewer_logo_longver03_01_by_burrakupansa-d5o60h2.png

I do love lengthy feedback. It helps me grow. I will consider all the points in this review. In time I wish to make it obsolete (I shall fix everything). In case somepony wants to see the version of my story this review was 100% relevant to I will post it here.

CAPITALIZE THE LETTERS IN THE TITLE: Sweetie Belle's Search for Immortality
...
That is all

3214730, thank you for that. I'm always happy to improve on things.
I find it funny that 300 people before you didn't see a mistake in the title. :unsuresweetie:
And I also find it tragic that I didn't see it myself. :derpytongue2:
I fixed it now (Sweetie Belle's search for immortality -> Sweetie Belle's Search for Immortality)

Scootaloo whispered the first stanza of our anthem to break the silence. Apple Bloom joined in, drowning him out. With each line they raised their voices as if they were competing with each other.

her.

_____________________

This is a pretty decent start. What happened at the school? Will we ever find out what Sweets was going on about in her mental dialog?

I see somepony is anxious about my next chapters. :pinkiehappy:

Yes, the school incident will be reveled with all the juicy details. Most of it is already written in my Public Google Doc. But it's completely unedited (I have yet to find somepony that would be willing to edit/proofread my future chapters). So whatever you do, don't click on that link. Unless you want to be my editor. In that case, by all means, click on it and wreak havoc (this goes for anypony reading this).

Also 3230398, thank you very much for letting me know about the gender error. With Chapter 1 I thought that I could be my own editor. i was clearly mistaken. Lesson learned for the next releases. :unsuresweetie:

3232840

Have you tried going to the Overly Extensive Editors group? They have epic editors, and be really helpful for your fic.

3233058, I tried. I posted a thread there over a week ago. But so far none has contacted me. Editors there probably have their hoofs full. I don't want to force anyone. I also still have a lot of writing to do on this story, so I'm not in a hurry.

On the other hoof, I could use some input as I go. I love where the story is going, but I want my readers to love it also. It would be much easier for me to connect those two elements if I had some feedback from readers, pre-readers or editors.

3234189

Sorry to hear that, and honestly I'd bump it at least once a week / 4 days. Don't feel bad about a bump if it's once a week / every couple of days it'll all be good.

There were a few small grammar mistakes. I think there was a part where you called Scootaloo a 'he'. Other than that, the writing was actually not that bad. I'm feeling Sweetie Belle irrational but driving feelings as I have had that myself. I wonder what Scootaloo is thinking about the lake for and what is convincing Sweetie Belle to push herself to her limits.

The small grammar should be the only thing to fix. This chapter passes inspection!

Silver out!

3234189 I hear you need an editor? I'm willing to help. I'm currently editing two stories and wouldn't mind a third. PM me if interested. Thank you!

3283151, Thank you for the offer. I already have an editor since last week. I am however always looking for more pre readers and I’m always open for new ideas if they are presented to me. I write the story in a free-for-all Public Doc, so anyone can contribute, edit, comment…

I’ve heard tales of authors that wrote 200 k+ words stories and then gave them to proofreaders. proofreaders told them why they should rewrite it, and they were correct in their judgement. Those authors than either rewrote their stories or threw them away. Those tragic scenarios are easily preventable by getting feedback early on. That is why I invite anypony and everypony to join in the fun. All the chapters of this story are either half written or contain synopsis of the chapter. I just need to fill in the actual writing. I consider all the feedback and try to better myself from it.

3199175
It sounds mature cause there's an evil presence putting thoughts in her head. Didn't you pick up on that?

3395311

Guess not. I thought it was her subconscious breaking to the surface along with the frustrations of not having a cutie mark.

WARNING! Honest opinion/review coming up:

Wow....really. It will be a tough one. Let's start from negative. First of all Sweetie Belle's attitude is just messed up. First of all she almost commited suicide just so nopony could say I tol you so. Second of all she was just....well kind of evil and obsessed. Her thoughts were written like she was not a filly but a grown manipulative genius. The way Applebloom and Sweetie Belle laughed at Scootaloo after such a horrable incident is just....not like them. Overall the story has some ups like the mood. It sure is dark and really chilling...and that is pretty much it for me. Sorry but I really don't get this story. I know that this is just the beggining and maybe you will clear some things up in the future. I hope that you do it.

Overall this story has something to it, especially is you write more if it but as for now it is really wierd.

Thank you very much for your awesome feedback. It was straight to the point and I like it hard.

I fixed the parts that were off. As for Sweetie Belle's behaviour —> it will all be explained (and it will all make sense) in the upcoming chapters. :unsuresweetie:

I'm in slight agreement with Zelos unfortunately. I suppose that when it starts to make more sense, (Maybe after a few more chapters) then perhaps I can understand and even come to like it more. I'm not going to like or dislike yet, as I have no idea where this story is coming from or going to, but... maybe later I'll understand.

You, the author, spammed your story to many groups, most of which this story doesn't belong to.
I revoke my previous statement and await a possibly good story. :V

3498503 I only put my story where it is relevant. I would never willingly spam the story where it doesn't belong. I stand by every one of the folders, I put my story in, and can tell you exact reasons, why I put it there for each and every one of them.

There is of course a possibility, that there was some misunderstanding from my side, as to the meaning of a group or folders. If this is the case, I thank you for bringing this to my attention. Such misplacing has happened before. At that time I presented my reasons for putting the story in those folders. The situation was resolved by the change of folder descriptions in that group. The founder admitted that they were indeed misleading. If a similar scenario has happened again, then I would appreciate it, if you could name places, where you feel this story does not belong to and we can clear it up on a case by case basis. If I did indeed misplaced this story in any folder, I will delete it from there without any hesitation.

This is some good stuff! Despite some few really minor errors, I enjoyed this a lot!! Hope you continue to impress me :ajsmug:

Your story has officially been graded an Opal by The Gem Hunters.

There was one issue, and that was that Sweetie Belle seemed a bit out of character. But hey, maybe further chapters explain this.

Amazing. I agree with the gem hunters, Sweetie Belle seemed strange.... But that could be explained in later chapters. Anyway, this Fic has officially accepted by the CMC Library! Yay!

pretty good so far. I like the dialogue, and though I don't typically like stories that darken the CCCs this is definitely different and interesting. the only comment I like to make is a misspelling mistake:

I trembled as I watched her suffering. I couldn’t move. A sweet broke on my back

It should be sweat...but otherwise keep going! :twilightsmile:

3859807 I'm glad you liked it.:pinkiehappy: Thank you for letting me know about the mistake (fixed now: sweet —> sweat). Those mistakes that form other words are the most stubborn ones, because they don't show up on autocorrect. :twilightoops: But with the help of kind people like you, it's just a matter of time before I catch them all. :twilightsmile:

3859884
I completely understand! Thts y I thought to point it out, autocorrect is frustrating I know, I always hav the same problems too :applejackunsure: but yes keep it up!

Hello. I’m here on behalf of the Good Grammar Directory. I’m sorry to say that your story does not yet qualify, as there are three or more errors in the first 500 words. I’ll point them out:

I kept my distance. For safety reasons and to ponder about the incident at school from earlier today.

The second sentence here is incomplete. I might let it slide, as it’s sometimes a stylistic choice, but there’s no obvious try for effect. The way it is, it reads like it’s accidental. One easy solution is to combine it with the first sentence (“I kept my distance for safety […]”).

Cruel ordeal that Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara put me through played in my head again and again.

This should be “The cruel ordeal”.

First you ditch us for body-painting.” —

“I fell on crayons!”

— ”And now you’re almost dragging yourself behind us!”

Em dashes are improperly used here. I could argue that you could use ellipses (…) or just drop the em dashes entirely, but if you want to use em dashes to show interruption, it would have to look something like this:

First you ditch us for body-painting —”

“I fell on crayons!”

“— And now you’re almost dragging yourself behind us!”

“Is there something wrong Sweetie Belle?”

This needs a comma after “wrong”.

For these reasons, the story was not approved to our group. I understand that you may not want to make changes, or you yourself may not have submitted your story to our group in the first place. However, if you do decide to make changes and want to try again, feel free to pm me, and I'll take another look at it. Also, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me. Otherwise, have a good day. :)

Nice story :twilightsmile:

Will defintely continue to read it is there are more chaters soon :)

“Sweetie Bell, no! yelled Apple Bloom, running left and right along the shore. “You promised!””

Just a few things I noticed here, I will write the correct sentence below.

“Sweetie Bell, no!" yelled Apple Bloom, running left and right along the shore, “You promised!”

So basically, the missing and extra speech marks, and the comma instead of a full stop. :raritywink:

3870379 3864782 Thank you for pointing out mistakes in my story. :heart: I don't like mistakes in my story. In fact, I'm at war with them (I hate to admit it, but they may be winning:facehoof:). So, I've spent the last 12 hours editing this story and I'm just in time to see the sunrise. :pinkiecrazy: I've seemed to have improved a bit in writing since I last edited this story, so it was due for an edit anyway.

I tweaked more than half of the sentences, raised word count by a thousand and ran it through 8 different spell checkers. I've fixed all the mistakes I could find and the ones you pointed out. If nothing else, I can vouch for my effort. :twilightsmile:

3864782 I would be glad if you could perhaps consider giving this story another chance, if that’s okay with you.

How many tries do I get at Good Grammar Directory?

3878853 You only get one try. Looks like you blew it! Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh!

...I'm kidding. :P If things don't seem to be improving with every try, then I stop checking. However, don't worry--that's not the case here. It's down from three errors to one, so it qualifies. ;P

I'll point out that one error while I'm here, anyway:

“I can do it myself!”. The straps were just out of reach of my mouth.

There shouldn't be a period after the quote, there. The exclamation point acts as punctuation for that sentence.

And this one's sort of a nitpick, so I didn't count it, but here it is anyway because it bugs me:

Apple Bloom walked to me, carrying my saddle bag, in her teeth.

This one's sort of a technicality. If you take out the (incoming technical term) prepositional phrase as defined by the commas, the sentence reads, "Apple Bloom walked to me in her teeth". The solution is simple--take out the comma after "bag", and "in her teeth" will more clearly be referring to "carrying". It's a small issue, and it probably doesn't matter that much anyway since I did understand what you meant, but I figured I'd mention it.

Regardless, this story now qualifies and has been added to the GGD's folders. Good work, and I do admire the effort. :twilightsmile:

3880522 Yey! :pinkiehappy:

Thank you for everything. This is kind of a big deal for me. English is not my first language, so getting a story in Good Grammar Directory means a lot.

Also, thank you for pointing out the punctuation mistakes. The more I read the story, the easier it is for mistakes to hide from me. I would recognize them as mistakes, but I just managed not to spot them. Thank you for letting me know about them. They are fixed now. :twilightsmile:

One mistake I found.
It’s just an useless lake.
Should be: It's just a useless lake. An is only used when the word after it starts with a vowel. Example: "It's an igloo" VS "It's a boat."

4017454 Thank you! You are correct. Fixed (an useless —> a useless). :twilightsmile:

The rule for "a" vs. "an" in American English is not based whether the following word starts with a vowel, but whether it starts with a vowel sound. In particular, if you can think of a consonant that make the specific sound your word starts with you should use "a," e.g., "useless" starts with a "y" sound. Technically speaking, you use the "phonetic" (sound) quality rather than the "orthographic" (written) representation to determine the indefinite article.

4017475
Sounds like you're even more correct than I am. You've got it sorted then. :rainbowlaugh:

This story has been approved for The Crystal Library and has been added to Section 4 and Section 13 (Adventure and Dark) because of the originality shown in this fic.

Sorry giant Spike but the In MLP folder in the group means that some or all of the characters from the show Adventure Time somehow come to the world of MLP:FiM. :unsuresweetie: Excuse while I go put that in the group word box thingy.

4041205 Sorry about that. I thought your group was about adventure and this story is all about that. I see now, that your group is a crossover between Adventure Time (a show that I haven't watched yet) and MLP. I have removed my story from your folder. :twilightsmile:

4041370 Thank you for understanding. :pinkiesmile:

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