Why is everything so numb?
I wonder how I am going to feed Owlowiscious tonight? It will be quite hard to feed him without hooves. Maybe I can use my wings to grab the food, but it might be hard to do that if they are not on my body anymore. My ears hurt, that constant ringing won’t come out, I guess they are still working, or maybe the ringing is just an illusion created by my mind. I remember reading a book about that, the stages of physical trauma by Dr. Fritz Horn, one of the last books he wrote before he died in a carriage accident. Ironic really, he saved so many people from dying of severe physical trauma, only to die of severe physical trauma. I wonder if he would be able to save me, I doubt he was familiar with Alicorn physiology, but I am willing to bet it is not too different from your average pony. He dealt with both unicorns and pegasus, although he specialized in pegasus. Fun fact, pegasus are 50% more likely to die in physical accidents than unicorns, and 20% more likely than earth ponies. I guess I will be the first case of an alicorn dying of this kind of trauma, but again, I am not really an alicorn, at least, not the kind Princess Celestia is.
I wonder if Celestia would have been able to survive that blast, I wonder if Spike would have survived the blast if he was home, probably not. He would have been on the second floor, probably sleeping around this time, thank Celestia I sent him out with Owlowiscious before hand. Considering the construction of the tree house, and the source of the explosion being in the basement he would likely die as the tree collapsed. Owlowiscious might have been able to survive, he is smaller than Spike, and could fly, but, I doubt he would have been able to fly out of the way of the falling debris, perhaps a 40% chance of survival. I wonder what my chances are… I don’t want to calculate that, I am not ready yet.
Something is beginning to break through the ringing in my ears, pattering, I hear pattering, rain? I don’t remember the Pegasus scheduling a rainstorm today, that blue Pegasus would have told me if there was. What was her name again? The one with the rainbow-colored mane, I know it has something to do with the rainbow. Rainbow pink perhaps, no that does not sound right. I should remember her name, I have known her for so long, yet it seems it has just slipped my mind. I wonder if this is a side effect of the physical trauma, I do think there was a chapter on this in Dr. Fritz Horn’s book, what was the book's name again? I feel numb, and tired. I am not in pain, I guess I am either in too much shock to feel it or my brain is so damaged to a point where I just can’t feel it. I can feel the presence of water dripping on my fur, but mostly just the weight of the water, I don’t feel wet, I just feel numb, I feel numb everywhere. Has an alicorn died before? I don’t believe an Alicorn death has ever been documented, imagine the first Alicorn death being to something so mundane, my own stupidity caused this, my own incompetence, I can see it now, Princess Twilight Sparkle dies because she is stupid and should be sent back to Magic kindergarden. If I survive this I wonder if Celestia is going to send me back to magic Kindergarten, I certainly would deserve it.
“Stop gawking and help move these pieces of wood, the princess could be in there”
I hear a pony’s voice, a Stallion, his voice sounds stern, maybe he is a royal guard, who knows. What would a royal guard be doing out in Ponyville at this time of day. Maybe Princess Celestia sent him, maybe Princess Celestia saw this coming. I have written to her about my experiments, but why had she not tried to stop me if she knew. Would she have been able to stop me? Maybe it was not a royal guard, just a good citizen who wants to help. I wonder what his face is going to look like when he sees me. I wonder if I will get a chance to see him, or will I bleed out by then, am I bleeding out? I have no idea, I see light, such a bright light, is this the end, is this how I am going to die, is this what death feels like. I could feel an anticipation growing. I wonder what death would be like, it would certainly be a great subject to learn about, maybe I could write to the Princess about the experience, It would make a fine addition to my studies. My eyes adjusted, and the light dimmed into nothing but moonlight.
It had just occurred to me that my eyes had been open this entire, why did I think they were closed? The piece of wood which had obscured my vision was magically lifted, no.. it was lifted in the air in front of me, and thrown away. An orange Stallion with a blue mane looked down through the hole, it was Flash Sentry, I remembered his name, there was a look of sheer shock on his face, I wonder if that was a bad thing. I did not care too much about it, I felt so tired, I think, I think I am going to take a quick nap, and when I wake up, I can go and feed Owlowiscious.
Beep… Beep…. Beep… Beeepp
My eyes finally opened, I could feel my hooves again, heck even my wings, maybe it was not as bad as I thought. Yet something was missing, I had no idea what but something was missing, I looked to my left, and saw the heartbeat monitor I was hooked up to, it was steadily beeping, I guess that means I am alive.
“Oh, Hello there Princess Twilight Sparkle”
Twilight Sparkle, that was my name but, something felt wrong, something felt off, my attention sharply turned to the voice addressing me, it was a white unicorn nurse pony, with a small clipboard floating in front of her, as well as a quill. I guess she was using her horn, but something felt so wrong about it floating without any physical support, I had never felt that way about magic before.
The nurse pony tilted her head slightly and asked me “Can you speak Princess?”
I opened my mouth, and let out a weak, “yes…” the fact that I could speak surprised myself, the nurse pony smiled, and then floated a pen and then checked some box small on the clipboard. The nurse pony then looked back up to me “You have many visitors Princess, they will all be glad to hear that you are okay, for now let me ask you something, how are you feeling?” I weakly responded with “Thirsty” I could feel a sickening dryness climb in my throat, and some water would be nice to quench it. “There is water to the right of your bedside Princess”, “You.. you don’t have to call me Princess.. Just call me Twilight.”
I usually dislike it when people call me Princess, I don’t feel like a princess, not yet anyways; this time it felt worse, her words felt harsh, like a whip striking at me for having such an undeserving title. I wonder why it was like that this time. I focused my magic and lifted the cup of water to my right, and floated it towards my mouth. Except, it didn't do that, the cup did not budge an inch, I focused harder, maybe this was just my horn readjusting after the shock, I read something like that in Dr. Fritz Horn’s book. “Nurse… Why… why can’t I use magic..” I looked away from the cup and towards the nurse, her smile dropped into a sad frown, as she looked down at me in pity. “Princes- I mean, Twilight, maybe you should get some rest”, my tone lowered and I spelled out my words one by one, I was not asking this time “Why can’t I use my magic” I demanded an answer. The nurse looked down towards the floor, unable to look at me in the eyes, suddenly her horn glowed a white aura, and she magically levitated up a small mirror in front of me. The cruel reflection told the horrific story. My… horn.. It was gone, not damaged, or destroyed, but gone, nothing but a reddened mark left to signal that there was ever a horn there in the first place. I was no different to a pegasus now, an alicorn without a horn. I felt like I was going to puke. Tears began to well up in my eyes, everything was wrong, everything was so wrong, why did this have to happen to me, why did I have to be so stupid. Why did I even survive, to live an entity without magic, I should have just bucking died, what is even the point, the element of magic without magic. Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why.
Without magic, I am nothing, and I wonder if I will ever be anything again, I should have just died, and maybe, I should just die. I should just end it all.
I heard the door to my hospital room swing open, I did not bother looking up, but I did hear a multitude of different hoove steps enter in. Suddenly I felt something embrace me, my vision was suddenly engulfed by a pink visage. My friends were there, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Spike, and even Owlowiscious were all there for me. I know it is going to be hard from here on out, but at least, I am not going forward alone.
This is my first fan fic, so ya, it has a lot of writing problems, and I know that
Feel free to critique my writing in the comments, and let me know ways to better it
Thank you for reading
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Ah, I see.
Clever.
Why is there a tragedy tag when this story had a happy ending?
11441159
An individual losing what they believe makes them, them, what defines who they are, is a tragic development. Like Applejack losing the magic that helped grow produce at the farm. Or Rarity losing her sense of fashion and no longer being able to see the beauty in the mundane. Or Fluttershy losing her ability to understand what animals are saying to her and hearing nothing but the same noises that anyone else hears.
11441159
If you are scrolling down into the comments, move your curser around this wall of text, it spoils the whole story
If you accidently moved your curser into this wall of text, I am putting this here so the first words you see is not said spoiler. Well, she still lost her horn, which is a massive part of her identity, and the majority of the story is focused on a singular tragic event. I was still a little iffy, putting on the tragedy tag, but I still put it on because the story is ultimately about a singular event which causes great suffering, i.e a tragedy, although I can see why you might have expected a tragic ending, as that is common for the tragedy tag on this website, but I interpreted the tag as not necessarily meaning a tragic ending which is why I put it on anyhow.
Quick heads-up: unless it was an intentional representation of Twilight's dazed state, you seem to have written Celestia's name as "Celestria".Other than that, nicely done! Congrats on the first fic!
From the title and description, I assume this is a story about dementia. Let's see if I'm right.
the beginning really drew me in
11441207
Oopsy
11441152
At least she still got her friends to comfort her
The power of friendship is still there
I think this was pretty great for your first fanfic. I like how well you showed the only slightly coherent thoughts of someone who's near death.
11441225
Unfortunately, you are wrong, but
you may have just given me an idea...
11441306
Thanks :D
Well, that was interesting
Intriguing, I feel like you could move further with this.Twilight really getting to grips with the idea that just because she lacks the ability to USE magic, doesn't mean she's unworthy to REPRESENT magic. Afterall, friendship is magic, not magic is magic. Its a "Are you the god of hammers?" Kind of situation.
Oof
This was a nice story. I just wish it was longer, showing Twilight's struggles with adjusting to her new body and so on. Maybe... you could give a sequel a thought
?
11441631
11441803
I certainly could write a sequel, it might take me a little bit to think of good ideas for it, and it will have to be longer and maybe even multiple chapters to lay out the long road which is recovery.
I can't say I will 100% write a sequel, but if a good idea pops up, I might
11441899
Or maybe a prequel.
I still dont understand how she got in that situation.
11441899
11441992
Yes. My first thought was "This is an AU version of Magical Mystery Cure (the S3 finale) or possibly Twilight's Kingdom (S4 finale).".
But, no. So, IMO, the question becomes "Just what WAS the experiment? Another spell in Starswhirl's book, perhaps an attempt to open a portal?"
Oh & IMO it definitely needs the AU tag & it would be helpful if you dated it, at least to "Which season is this?".
11442069
11441992
It takes place during the 4th season, she has wings, but still lives in the tree house
About what caused the explosion I purposely left that vague and for the reader to interpret on their own, it could be an alternative to the magic mystery cure or maybe she was trying to open a portal to the human world, it's up for the reader to interpret on their own, a canonical reason she was not thinking of what caused the explosion is the shock she experienced due to said explosion. I did not put the AU tag because it was not branching off any particular episode in specific unless the reader interpreted that way. ALTHOUGH, if I write a sequel, I likely will go more in depth on what caused the explosion itself. I maybe should have been more specific, I will try to be a little more specific in future writings; if I think it fits well, and maybe make it a bit more obvious when it comes to the date, I sometimes forget that the reader does not know everything that I know, which may have caused some confusion.
11442085
The Voice of Experience
When I got hit by a car, almost the first thing they asked was "What do you remember?" & I didn't remember the accident at all.
This is perfectly normal & is called (retrograde?) amnesia.
How far back does this go?
AFAIK, at least a minute or 2 & maybe longer if there is head trauma or a concussion. For sure, they'll test for that.
One thing they do is give you 4 or 5 words to remember, talk to you for awhile & then ask you to repeat the words. You can't & it's A Really Bad Thing
11442085
I think you did a fine job with this story. It was a good point to stop at and if you do a sequel you almost have to be specific and come up with a reason why it happened. You would also have to go in depth with handling the grief of loosing the most beloved extremity (Not that one you pervs!).
This style of writing is "first person (or 'pony, in this case) stream of thought", and not a bad job of it, I think.
Writing tip: you cannot have two characters speaking in the same paragraph. When another character speaks, you need to start a new paragraph even if it means having single-sentence paragraphs. This is a big issue; this one mistake alone often causes people to instantly dismiss what could've been a good story.
Quick No spoiler review? looking to put some fanfics on my Kindle!
not gonna lie i did not read this but from the name of the story and the prolog i thought this was owlowiscious eating twilight from first glance.
11442294
Thanks for telling me this
I will keep that in mind in the future
11442562
Do ponies taste good?
11442103
I have fortunately never been in an accident similar to your own, the most severe accident I ever had was tumbling down a rocky hill, so I honestly don't have any experience on the specific details, of shock, memory lost, ect. My depiction of it is based entirely on the depictions from other writers, and my own knowledge regarding the subject, not personal experiences. In the future I will try to be more accurate too reality and do more research, your comment helped me better understand the Reality of shock when it comes to this subject matter, and I will encompass that in my future writing. I hope you got better from your accident, and I wish you well regarding what you had to go through.
Stay Safe in the future, and I hope you had, or currently having, a speedy recovery
This was a fun (if that is the appropriate adjective for a story about catastrophic magical trauma) read. Had a bit of the old nostalgia reading this as it reminds me of many of the stories back from 2012 with Rainbow Dash.
I have never had an injury so bad that I have blacked out and had memory issues, so I cannot comment on the strict accuracy of your descriptions, but I will say you have certainly captured the feel rather well. It got a bit grim towards the end with her... injury... but I am happy to see that it ended on a hopeful note with her friends providing support.
All in all that was a pretty solid first published story
11442752
Wow, Thanks for saying that,
When I wrote this I had it in my head that this was going to suck, but apparently, I did a half decent job
Your comment was very encouraging
I hope to write more in the future
11442725
OK, based on personal experience.
]If you're bedridden, blood clots are a BIG problem & serious threat. I got a daily anticoagulant shot. No blood clots but a real danger if you get cut.
Daily rehab sessions. How to stand up, how to use a walker (roommate had crutches, also taught to use them)
I had a roommate. There is a sliding curtain between beds. The episode where Dash is hospitalized, she too had a roommate.
The really poor were in a ward. As Princess, Twilight might have a private room. Every bed has a call button to summon a nurse if needed. In the Intensive Care Unit, it was one nurse in a common area between rooms. They reckoned "You are here because you are
REALLY hurt & might die. Worse, your next of kin might be able to sue." I never had to wait more than 5 minutes, usually under 1 minute.
The hospital bed can go up & down. There's a right height to be easiest to get in & out of bed. You can also raise or lower just half the bed. You can't get to the toidy, they give you a bed pan, a piss bottle, hand sanitizer, towels. You drop something, you can't lower the bed enough to reach it, you have to summon a nurse.
You don't potty every day, they give you a laxative Wether you think you need it or not.That don't work, they try suppositories. THAT don't work....let's just say they go after it. Google "opioid induced constipation".
There is also going to be pain meds. Probably opiods. Opiod addiction is a serious problem & accidental OD a leading cause of death.
Twilight will also probably need psych counseling.
Never had that, you're on your own there.
In short, being hospitalized is No Fun At All.
11442792
That does not sound fun at all
I am sorry you had to go through that
Wow, this was intense. The ending was a surprise. Are you thinking of doing a sequel?
I believe a more cathartic way to end the story would have been something along the lines of:
Right there and then, I saw a spark — no, I felt it. I knew this spark. It was the same one that flashed before my eyes when everything had seemed helpless against Nightmare Moon — when I had seen the candle of our last hope extinguished beneath those fiendish hooves. That spark — which ignited the Elements of Harmony within each one of us: the spark... of friendship!
My friends were there for me.
I was there for my friends.
Suddenly, I washed over by that exact electric feeling flowing through me, banishing my numbness away. I felt engulfed by it like back during that fateful night.
Despite my failures, they still cared about me, and I cared about them.
I am Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship.
And friendship is magic!
Though I'm aware that such a way of marking the end of this story would make it even harder to classify the story under the "tragedy" tag.
11599422
not bad writing, although a bit wordy.
But, ya that would kinda get rid of the tragedy tag