Lo,

by Botched Lobotomy

So

The story’s done. But this is part of it, too.

Limestone stands holding a rock-doll by the fire, swishing tail back and forth as she watches but tries not to seem like she’s watching. Her younger sister Maud is utterly uninterested, sitting at the table with her grandpa’s loupe, examining a lump of magnesium-rich basalt with all the concentration of a mare five times her age. I’m sitting on the floor, back to the couch, and my legs are full of Cloudy, and Cloudy’s legs are full of fur: two tiny bundles, always, unbelievably small. A little grey lump like a furry pebble, and just beside, her sister, senior by all of three minutes. I murmur against Cloudy’s ear, asking if I can take them. She deposits carefully one and then the other, and I hold them like a couple of raw eggs, like I have no idea what I’m doing, because this is how you have to hold them, because they are a pair of tiny and delicate miracles: grey fur in one hoof, and in the other, unexplained, impossible, a shock of vibrant pink.

Comments

[Aragon]

This was really good!!

Holy shit, I don't know what I was expecting, but this definitely surpassed expectations. The prose is super good; Igneous' voice comes through super clearly, and the gravitas of it gives it so much flavor.

Because that's the word, right? This is super flavorful. The way the narration goes is so tasty, so stylistic; the way Igneous constantly diverges and goes back to the topic and hand, the imagery, the quiet tragedy of their lives running away. Christ, I enjoyed this prose so much I'm struggling to put it into words.

The structure, too; the scenes flow into each other so cleanly. The chapter that ends with the letter is an obvious reference point; the way the next chapter starts with a cold "six seconds was the current estimate, three for my mother". The unsppken sadness of it! I love how Igneous' mood is never fully shown, only implied, and it works so well because of it.

The ending, too; the unexpected miracle of Pinkie and all that implies. There so much melancholy in how Igneous' dream is only fulfilled through his daughters. Good melancholy, but still.

Spectacular job, overall. That this isn't gathering more attention is a genuine crime. I'm going to bully my friends into reading it. Massive congratulations on the inevitable prize; you've earned it twofold. Fucking 'ell.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Exquisite work, especially that bit at the end and just what Pinkie symbolizes to this Igneous. (Also, "Tuff Schist Granite Stone" may be the most hilariously over-the-top name I've seen in quite some time.) I especially love Berry's comment on Igneous's alien nature; it says volumes about how little of this turmoil shows on the surface. Thank you for an incredible glimpse at a life of raging against the machinery of fate. Best of luck in the judging.

[Botched Lobotomy]

11396575

Thank youuuu I'm glad you enjoyed, tasty crunchy prose is what I aim for! Comments like this that make the going to bed at 8am all worth it.

Also

Massive congratulations on the inevitable prize

Idk, I saw some big names enter this one. Some Aragon fella or something, I'm not sure. Seemed intimidating.

11396870
I'm glad you liked Berry's little segment! I was agonising over whether to keep it in there, so it's good to hear it works. Thanks for running the contest!

[Miller Minus]

I have been bullied by someone who will go unnamed to read this.

This is tremendous. I wish there was more of this on fimfiction -- deeply personal fiction as a lesser known character's fascinating life is explained in understated detail in their own voice. It's filled to the brim with character, but it doesn't burst with it -- the restraint on ye olde folk talke was much appreciated. I'm sure I'll always think of this story whenever I see Igneous's name.

My only gripe was that there was not more of their childhood lives, more details of what Cloudy and Igneous got up to and more about their foalhood friends, but when the reader is wanting more, is that really a criticism?

Great work! Hope you do well when the contest shakes out.

[Botched Lobotomy]

11407488
Thanks so much!

Yeah, the ye olde folk talke was a tricky thing to try to balance -- I'm glad Igneous's voice comes through in it, even if it doesn't quite match the level of the show's thys and thees.

Re your gripe: I don't normally like to plug my own stuff, but if you're looking for something similar with a bigger chunk of childhood, A Life Lived in Hundreds follows Granny Smith and fits the description pretty perfectly.

[Ghost Mike]

An oddball ghost happened across your fic and read it. Have a review!

[nlinzer]

This is amazing. Love it so much