Ghost Mike's Ponyfic Review Monday Musings #41 · 6:00pm Dec 12th, 2022
And finally, time for the last batch of entries for the Ancestral Tribute contest. Been quite a ride, and in a sense, the best came last; the winner is in this last batch, and these eight have the highest overall rating of the four weeks, with all fics getting a positive rating. Not to say there weren’t great entries along the way in the prior weeks, there were for sure, but it’s still somewhat telling, no? When in doubt, keep polishing until the last moment, folks. Least when you haven’t yet been writing long enough to have honed your instincts. It usually pays off in the long run.
In any case, let’s get to them. For once, not a week where Twilight Velvet is the most prominent either; here, we largely have a split between the Pie Parents (and more Igneous Rock, being accurate), who have had a decent showing throughout, and the Apple Parents, who have had far less fics for this contest that I’d have guessed, given their relative popularity. Also, the only showing for Rainbow Dash’s parents. RIP to Mr and Mrs. Shy, the only Mane 6 parents never to appear all contest.
Next week will be back to the regular assortment of random fics. Not sure yet if I’ll still post the week after, on the 26th, given everyone will be having holiday/family fun, or reading the new Jinglemas fics that most appeal to them. Could make it an edition of past Jinglemas fics, never the worst idea. We’ll see.
For now, time to go out with a bang. Literally, in the case of the contest winner. You’ll see when you get to it.
This Week’s Spectral Stories:
It's a Piece of Cake by LegionofPony
Of Providence and Plain by GrangeDisplay
Cider With a Side of Friendship by Moonlight Bloom
Still, Life by MasterThief
Windy Whistles the Great by Apple Bottoms
Lo, by Botched Lobotomy
Igneous Rock Slide by 2SuriYourself
A Moonlit Storm by SilverNotes
Weekly Word Count: 63,102 Words
It's a Piece of Cake by LegionofPony
[No cover image]
Genre: Romance/Comedy/Slice of Life (w/Sex)
Pear Butter/Bright Mac
2,090 Words
October 2022
Pear Butter really wants to make her husband and her new family proud, so while she has the house to herself, she sets out to make a very special cake. It doesn’t go as planned, but in the wake of disaster, she’ll learn that a marriage, and family, means making the most of your screw-ups.
This fic is… troubled. It’s not an issue that the story and character beats within are predictable, that is clearly by intent, and to do otherwise would be antithetical to the kind of story this is. No, where this gets rote is in how those mishaps play out, with awkward modulation between Buttercup’s baking and describing to the viewer the one stray element that’s gone eskew and is about to cause a mess, laying it out in indifferent chunks of prose Not least for those chunks being rather large paragraphs – simply splitting many of them up would make the fic flow a lot better. And while the eventual tease at the end is funny, as is the coda used to tell it, it arguably brings the kids into the matter in a way they shouldn’t be for this contest. Also, Granny Smith’s absence during the story is never given a reason, while everypony else’s is. Oh, and Pear Butter struggling with making a cake after all the help she gave Mrs. Cake (née Chiffon Swirl)? Yeah, that’s a thing here too.
Just enough of a good heart and sincerity to this, and some of its flaws being fixable in a few minutes, that it scraps into Passable territory. Even for a very modest, simple fic, it lets itself down, but not terribly.
Rating: Passable
Of Providence and Plain by GrangeDisplay
Genre: Romance/Drama/Slice of Life
Cloudy Quartz, Igneous Rock, OC
17,999 Words
October 2022SirNotAppearingInThisFic's Honourable Mention
He’s a stallion trying to keep a struggling family farm and a dying father afloat. She’s a mare trying to live a life at home against her parents’ wishes to make something of herself out there. Quite the different pair and different set of circumstances, even if they share an interest in rocks. Yet it is those same set of circumstances that shall bring them together, to make the most of their situation.
For what amount to an old-timey town and set of ponies content to stay largely excluded from the wider Equestria, in a brittle tale of family hardships, older ponies set in their ways and trying to make the most of a situation, all while fully leaning into the vaguely traditional and spiritual way of life common to Pie family stories, it’s quite surprising that this story goes down really well, its bag of clichés somehow not feeling stale at all. It’s a crying shame that, like many contest entries, it has so little attention, because it’s really solid.
It’s certainly quite a different depiction of both Igneous and Cloudy; the former too beholden to tradition and respect to ever speak up against the lack of it he gets from others, the latter a soft-spoken yet resolute pony to be her own thing. Both fighting demons from their past, Igneous’ more subtle than is let on at first. Through a very dense 18K (the word count squashing is felt, but only in marginal ways after the fact), we mostly follow their individual struggles and learn of the ways of the ponies in Rockville (the sort of town where, among other things, congregation and the lengthy sermons within are held to be of the utmost importance) more than we develop their relationship. Point of fact, their desire to go together is more of convenience, until a climax that pays off the vague show canon of how they met. This is by intent, and a strength; it’s showing how romance and love blooms from what life throws at you, rather than life revolving around it right from the start.
That’s one huge benefit. The other is that they are fully-realised ponies that breathe with freshness. Not that the usual Amish/Mennonite portrayals of them aren’t fun, but there’s often only so much that can be done with that stuffy conservatism, and this is quite a ways removed from that. They’re part of a restrained people, and speak in Early Modern English Equish, but their subtle emotions and thoughts and frustrations fully come through. More so for Cloudy, the more active of the two, but Igneous shines quite strongly towards the end.
There are a couple of plot points and choices that feel awfully convenient, and the Early Modern English is haphazardly applied to the point of distraction (and that darned 18K word cap rears its ugly head, of course), but the subtle strengths here (the culture world-building is the third main selling point) make it ooze with vigour, and an absolute joy. Whatever your normal feelings over Pie Parent stories, don’t skip this one.
Rating: Really Good
Cider With a Side of Friendship by Moonlight Bloom
Genre: Comedy/Slice of Life (w/Narcotics)
Pear Butter, Bright Mac, Other (Hondo Flanks & Cookie Crumbles)
5,060 Words
October 2022
When two touring unicorns from Neigh Jersey, stopping in a small bar in Ponyville, happen to cross paths with some Apple farmers making a cider delivery, it only takes a few choice comments on both sides for the earth pony mare and unicorn stallion to challenge each other to a cider drinking contest. As will happen with such things, plenty of stories and laughs get shared along the way.
Little to this one but kooky madness. It’s probably not a well-written fic – held under a microscope, the character dialogue only superficially resembles the characterisation of either the Apple parents or Rarity’s, even accounting for this being from before their children were born, and even before the drink starts taking effect. There’s also slack prose control to deal with (which only really irritates when the fic loses its pacing and drags on towards the end).
Still, though a pretty one-note type of joke (and drunk humour is rarely my first choice), this was funny enough, and it gets quite a bit of mileage out of an unusual character pairing in Buttercup and Hondo Flanks (that’s two entries now that have paired him with a different Mane 6 parent). And also Aunt Orange pre-marriage, basically the no-fun third wheel and recipient of much verbal and physical abuse (cartoon-style, of course). Add in a suitable finisher from Granny Smith, plus a few side origins for later canon developments, and while this is a rickety fic, it’s fun enough to suffice.
Rating: Passable
Still, Life by MasterThief
Genre: Drama (Alternate Universe)
Pear Butter, Bright Mac
10,046 Words
October 2022
An early tragedy for both their families makes Bright Mac vow that, no matter what, he’ll never leave Pear Butter. This decision, and another one a few years later, changes the course of history and gives him another chance he wasn’t supposed to get. And with it, comes the transition, in the wake of other kinds of tragedy, from surviving to living.
A slight AU for the Apple family history, not just for the parents living but for some familial backstory (including something of an explanation for why both the Apple and Pear farms were run by two ponies apiece), this is, if nothing else, a sensibly restrained exploration of such a scenario. I’m not convinced it starts out strong – it would make more sense for the different decision Bright Mac make that prevents his untimely death to be the inciting incident of the story, rather then almost 40% of the way through (the important details to that point could be trickled out later on, that technique is already used for that purpose anyway). But it is, for the most part, sensibly plotted, avoids most usual clichés, utilising logical callbacks that reinforce the touching moments, the works. Bright Mac doesn’t quite feel like himself (neither does Granny Smith either), but I suppose the early AU deviations help this only be a small niggle. And outside of the slack opening, the snapshots of life are well chosen, full of sensible fun details, and so forth.
I’m having trouble reasoning why I still feel a little underwhelmed by a piece that is, to all sensible criteria, quite effective. Even a reviewer sometimes doesn’t feel it, I guess. Regardless, this is a reasonably effective take on the scenario. If it looks appealing, it’s worth your time.
Rating: Decent
Windy Whistles the Great by Apple Bottoms
Genre: Adventure/Comedy/Slice of Life
Windy Whistles, Bow Hothoof
1,520 Words
October 2022
Move over, Gusty the Great – there’s a new mare in town, the one and only Windy Whistles. And if you’ve never had the pleasure of hearing of her, well, sit yourself down, young one, because between being the founders of the BUTTS (Birds Undergraduate Territorial Taskforce of Safety) program, her bespoke wedding complete with the Longest Conga Line in Cloudsdale, and the recent narrowly-avoided Plucky Lucky Disaster, she certainly earns being the mare, the mystery, the legend. All this is only slightly embellished from the truth.
For a fic that is basically non-stop energy the whole way, it has remarkable restraint too, with 1.5K being the right length for an unreliable, exuberant narrator to wax poetry about a pony doing respectable achievements (and perfectly ordinary daily tasks) like they’ve invented sliced bread. It should come as no surprise who is gushing endlessly about Windy, nor that she gushes about that pony equally as much. But even with the basic concept being obvious from the word go, there’s a delightful reveal later on that adds a fun wrinkle, and another layer of comedy.
All that’s left, then, is the precise rhythm of the overblown achievements within, and they’re by and large good ones, well expressed in that purely fanatic way. Greatly shows how Dash’s parents didn’t reserve the overblown hype just for her too. I didn’t know what we’d get from the contest’s one entry on Rainbow Dash’s parents, but it’s perfectly true to their one appearance in the show. Delightfully goofy stuff. I’m certainly glad Apple Bottoms wrote two entries for the contest (the only author to do so, actually), this one more than making up for their rushed earlier entry.
Rating: Pretty Good
Lo, by Botched Lobotomy
Genre: Romance/Drama/Slice of Life (w/Death)
Cloudy Quartz, Igneous Rock
4,628 Words
October 2022FanOfMostEverything's Honourable Mention
Even when you’ve lived there your whole life – especially when you’ve lived there your whole life – a rock farm is a boring place to be. Some don’t mind this. Others learn to live with it. Igneous Rock Pie, and his friend Cloudy Quartz destiny to forgo destiny and seek their fortunes elsewhere. If only it were that easy…
Another contest, another strong entry from Botched Lobotomy (for context, an author who, with one exception, only writes entries for contests, yet places high in many of them, their writing is that good). I’ve only read one prior story of theirs (the winner of the Who Crossed Over My Little Pony? Contest, back in Monday Musings #25), and truth be told their isn’t much of a commonality, sans short chapter of clipped efficiency showing fragments of a greater whole.
Regardless, the writing craftsmanship here is high. The prose of Igneous’ viewpoint is high-strung and bottling up feelings, but a little hotter than usual Pie Parents fics. His mood is only ever implied, never stated, and all in an offhand way that registers differently than anything usual. This, coupled with frequent use of narration that tosses diversions into his thoughts which speak volumes, and mounds of imagery, make the understated tragedy of them running and living away from Rockville for years last sharply. The breaks between scenes and especially between chapters are handled beautifully, always strengthening each other from the transitions.
Really, this is so flavourful, with scalpel-sharpened prose, odd vignettes that contribute massively to the whole in unexpected ways, and a coda having Pinkie symbolise a whole lot, that I’m a little annoyed at myself for feeling like I’m not getting it. At least, not relative to the levels of praise most of the other judges heaped upon it. It’s not a difficult read, nor a difficult one to discuss, and yet it’s defeated me to add much more. Maybe I just admired and liked it more then I loved it, and can’t figure out why, based on the above evidence. Perhaps it just feels too clever for its own good? Haven’t got much else.
Regardless, I can for sure see it’s more than strong enough to be worth checking out. Probably you’ll like it even more than myself. It’s certainly a different, more subtly sassy take on the Pie Parents, especially during their time away from home.
Rating: Pretty Good
Igneous Rock Slide by 2SuriYourself
Genre: Romance/Dark/Horror
Igneous Rock, Cloudy Quartz
5,348 Words
October 2022
Farm life is pretty mundane and unchanging for Igneous. He harvests the rocks, Cloudy handles classifying and sending them out, rinse and repeat for years. That is, until Igneous’ discovery of a cave on their property. He’s not curious, but eventually he gives it a look in. This could prove to be the family’s boom – or its doom.
Despite the description stating this was based on the story of Floyd Collins (and Man in Cave, naturally), it wasn’t until I reached the point of Igneous literally being trapped in the cave that I digested the title. Another brain fart for yours truly. Anyways, this was actually quite good. The narrative voice is not, perhaps, as massively ingrained in the stoic nature of the Pie parents as much as some other fics, but it still more than gets across his calm, controlled, measured approach to life, to unexpected discoveries, the works. Long before the little rock slide that could, we’ve borne witness to side thoughts on the farm’s financial standings (and the split in duties between Igneous and Cloudy), a brief boom from salt rocks, the tantalising possibility of a real economic boom at the cave’s end. And while not really about the relationship between the two ponies, that still gets plenty of time to shine in its own way.
It is a rather mechanical piece, but I do not mean that in the usual way – this gets at the fascination of a process and figuring something out that can be just as engrossing as revealing character work (what I always think of as ‘The Great Escape Theorem’). And while that does mean it’s a shallow fic, and not all that penetrating on the personal level, it was still perfectly engrossing from beginning to end. And don’t let the Horror tag steer you away, that’s a misnomer. Quite a nice surprise from a new author.
Rating: Pretty Good
A Moonlit Storm by SilverNotes
Genre: Adventure (Alternate Universe, w/Violence)
Night Light, OC, Zebras, Kirins
16,411 Words
October 20221st Place Winner
Long before he was even married or had foals, let alone grandfoals, Night Light was quite the magus, operating in service for Equestria. When word reaches the nation that a long-lost and very dangerous artefact, an amulet of unicorn make, has resurfaced in Farasi, and that a rogue organisation has their eyes on it, he is promptly dispatched to retrieve it. Accompanied by another agent hailing from that nation as cover, with two colourful locals meeting them on arrival, he’ll find a bit more than he bargained for. Retrieving and surviving ain’t gonna be an easy feat here.
Other than bookends of Night Light with Flurry Heart that serve to contrast his gentle parental self with a stallion of action in his youth, and a couple of light dilemmas between the protagonists here and there, this story largely doesn’t bother with character arcs. Nope, it’s pure exotic pulp adventure, and all the better for it, suffering less than any other adventure story here for compression. Which isn’t to say it doesn’t suffer a little – the main threat lacks suitable context, and the climax/aftermath is a little undernourished (odd, as the fic came in nearly 1.6K south of the word cap) – but that’s about the only complaint I'll lob against it. Well, maybe Night Light not feeling like himself (perhaps that’s the reason for the Alternate Universe tag, otherwise unneeded sans perhaps raising the question of how the Alicorn Amulet winded up in a pawn shop later for Trixie), but getting him as a former Equestrian mage rather than Velvet is such a nice breath of fresh air that I’m disinclined to care.
Besides, the exotic adventure pulp, however fluffy it largely is (though with a fair share of energy spent on different types of magic and wards), is magnificent. The main achievement might honestly be taking disparate pieces of mostly one-off (and poorly-implemented) FiM lore – on top of the Alicorn Amulet and the zebra homeland from the Season 10 comics (poorly utilised there, but pretty cool), we have an earlier incarnation of the storm creatures, a backstory for the originator of the Storm King’s staff (inspired by Let Do This’ fic Sacanas, I’d wager), and a rogue kirin, among other things – and merging them alongside neat original ideas into a briskly-paced adventure. These elements form a satisfying, complete whole, and the characters make for a compelling guide; sly wit and believable chemistry, especially between Night Light and his zebra companion, make for very pleasurable company. Between the lore, characters and thrills, it’s a corking read from beginning to end.
It has no real goal beyond being fun adventure schtick. But it has the conviction and sense of balance to carry that off. I love me some exotic adventure pulp, but it’s tricky to pull off. This pulls it off, and then some. If not a classic for the ages, this is still well worth your time.
Rating: Excellent
Spooky Summary of Scores:
Excellent: 1
Really Good: 1
Pretty Good: 3
Decent: 1
Passable: 2
Weak: 0
Bad: 0
Well, there's one for the list! Sounds exactly like the sort of thing I'd like.
EDIT: Huh... already on my list and on my kindle, it seems. I guess I should just bump it up a few notches.
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Yup, one of my first thoughts after I read it was “oh, exotic adventure pulp in a foreign desert port town with danger and heists? iisaw’s gonna find this to be the bee’s knees!”
Not that my review was needed to get in on your radar, it winning the contest did that (that’d be where you added it from before).
All but one judge had this story 1st (and the other had it 2nd), so you can tell we all adored it and got properly engrossed from beginning to end. I’m envious, buddy; you’ll get to experience it for the first time! 
ooh, some good stuff! :O
I was blown away that my story did so well in the contest, and seeing it reviewed here made my day.
My worldbuilding and character chemistry muscles have a bit more exercise under their belts than my action ones, but once I had my sights set on adventure pulp I figured it was worth a go, and clearly I hit onto something good with it if it's been so well-received. I'm not surprised that the climax and resolution was a bit undernourished in the end, though, and if it hadn't been roughly 3:30 am when it was basically publish and place in the group or pass out at my keyboard, that's absolutely where I would have put the extra words left in my budget. Night Light not being quite himself is also an assessment I can't argue with, as I tried to use the framing device to help reconcile his screen portrayal and the story a little but knew that going from "yes dear" bingo fanatic to the cunning Crown magus was always going to be a leap.
The Alternate Universe tag was primarily for the Alicorn Amulet, as having it under lock and key in a palace vault before the series even starts doesn't leave much room for Trixie to get ahold of it later on, unless there's a heist story going on there somewhere in the middle. Funnily enough, though, I haven't read Sacanas, though I'll now be adding it to my Read It Later to see Let's Do This's take on the staff-maker.
Thank you much for the review, and I'm so glad you enjoyed the tale.
Glad to see you liked the fic! I was super unsure of it when I actually posted it, since the last 2/3rds of it were written in a half-asleep haze the night before the deadline, but I'm glad I got it done in time! It was sort of a tone practice piece, since after seeing the "Man In Cave" video, I figured it could be fun to make some attempt at the dry narration style. It was neat to try out, but I doubt I'd try to stick to it for any other fics, since it's surprisingly hard to keep that mechanical tone consistently. Also, since my only other fic is SUPER dialogue heavy, I figured being more narration-heavy could be good practice! It came up shorter than it probably could have been, but getting fitting dialogue that didn't feel like it clashed with narration was difficult on the short finishing timespan. I think the last second adding of the horror tag for rather mundane, situational horror of a suspenseful situation was probably not a good mesh with it's general usage, but I'm just not super familiar with tag use on the site since I'm sorta new to the fandom lol. It was actually seeing the cave in Hearthbreakers when I watched it for the first time that gave me the idea for the fic! (Can't remember If I saw it or Man in Cave first, but I saw 'em near each other)
Anyways, it was nice to read the review!
Re: Cider With a Side of Friendship
Oof. Little bit of a poorer response than I was expecting (granted I had the least viewed fic in the entire contest, so not much feedback for me to base expectations off of in the first place), but it does sound like the comedy was strong, which is a success in my eyes since that was the main thing I was challenging myself with when writing this fic.
I am a bit confused on something though: What "slack prose control" is supposed to mean? Additionally, where in the fic would there be an example or two of this and how would I go about fixing it?
As for character...neither set of parents really have much character to begin with. All we get in the show about Hondo and Cookie are that they're basically just 'whacky, down-with-everything vacationers'. As for Mac & Pear, since most everything about them is revealed to us through an in-universe story, we just get them as 'lovey-dovey goodie-good parents'; we don't see what their other motives, interests, or character quirks are. As a result, I had to add extra things on to all four of them so that they could drive a plot on their own; however, it sounds like something (or things) went wrong in trying to do that, and I'm curious where those missteps occurred (specific examples in the story would especially help).
5703667
This is, to be clear, a strong Passable, one only just off being a Decent. Basically saying if the fic looks interesting enough to read to someone, than they’ll be satisfied enough.
Now, as it’s been two months since the contest ended, and only a few days less since I read and reviewed this for judging that, I wouldn’t remember much anyway. Regardless, I was reading over 200K worth of stories, and writing reviews to stockpile for after results were posted, in a very short period of time. The reviews came out a bit short and rushed; read and reviewed under normal circumstances, they would have been, on average, 80 words longer, and better articulated. So, apologies if some things didn’t come across that well. I cannot fully answer your queries this long after reading it, but I’ll try.
The comedy was fine, you know, but very easy stuff; drunk humour ain’t a sophisticated fallback. It’s amusing in the moment for sure, but I cannot recall a single actual joke, just that it escalated as they drank more. There have been other comedy fics where I remember something beyond the scenario two months on; that leaves this being a fic that amuses while reading but is forgotten quick. Best I can say on that point.
On the characterisation of the leads, nothing wrong with extrapolating them beyond their show counterparts, that’s what fanfiction is for. This just didn’t quite feel right for them; the Apple parents didn’t have enough of what we remember retained in their depiction (we need enough to ground them as the characters we know), while Rarity’s folks were fine, I guess, just not noteworthy. Broadly, it just boils down to the parent’s characterisation sufficing but not sticking out; they’re vessels for the story and comedy, in essence, and not much more. Course, it’s not this fic’s fault I read it on the back of two other contest entries with some of the best depictions of Rarity’s parents I’ve ever seen, but hey, it happens.
As for slack prose control, this does tie into the one-note jokes dragging it to a length it cannot sustain, but I refer here to sentences where the articulation of the events, dialogue or character thoughts loses itself (by rambling on, purple prose, etc.). In a more broad sense, it’s that the tone and perspective voice isn’t my consistent throughout, and it feels like it’s just been regurgitated to us without a clear handle of voice or direction, and neither it is going far enough in the other direction for comedy of a wry perspective to make that into a strength. Not fic-killing, not at all, and a reasonable exercise at doing comedy. To improve that, I’d look at fics (or other works of fiction) where the humour doesn’t just come form what happens, but how it is told to us. Focus on delivery enhancing jokes, or being the joke, and the rest will follow.
Sorry all that’s not as clear as it could have been, but two months after reading it, it’s the best I could do. Hope it helps!
5703026
Honestly, despite the extra traffic off the contest win and this review, your story has still well flown under the radar. And while the protagonist choice, lack of other canon characters, and coming from an author with this few followers would all contribute to that (and the shorter time in the New Stories queue around a contest deadline), it's still lower than I'd have expected. Frankly, a lot of stories in this contest are.
Ah, running right up against the deadline is to account for one or two not-fully fleshed out elements and not utilising the extra 1,590 words you had to work with? Totally fair, it happens. That you delivered such results against the clock is commendable enough as it is.
I see that most of your stories are for contests too; evidently you work well with the pressure of a deadline, regardless of the stress it causes. I'l keep an eye out for future works that look promising! That species swap entry does have my eye…
5703763
I had noticed that it wasn't getting much traffic, but I try to focus more on how the people who do read a story respond to it than the volume of readership. Not everything is going to have mass appeal, after all. Between everything you and the rest of the judges have said, all the comments on it being positive, and the positive vote ratio, I'm pretty content with the reception. Besides, I have thoughts for a sequel of sorts that I'm going to let brew, and if that catches on a bit more, that could send more readers flowing to A Moonlit Storm over time and pull it a little more above-radar.
Deadlines are a bit of a double-edged sword for me. They ensure that I don't just sit on idea, and I do put out a shocking amount of words when going right to the wire, but there's always the risk of things getting truncated near the end of a tale as I race toward the finish line. With the benefit of hindsight, I probably would have spent those extra words showing a few more of Night Light's illusion tricks and more directly showing the way that Needles and Crimson Flame end up coming into conflict over the fake-Amulet, instead of just having him be glimpsed on the way out, but it's definitely a work I'm proud of regardless.
I hope you enjoy the species swap story if you do check it out! I know I enjoyed writing it.
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Well, I just finished it, and it's delightful! Mike's correct; it's exactly the sort of thing I greatly enjoy when written competently, and this story is written very well, indeed. The characters and events are really well thought out and engaging and it's a crying shame it hasn't gotten more traffic!