Earth and Space

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For Celestia and Luna, like many ponies, love is a strange feeling for them to have. Would it be possible for them to be with their own special someponies?

Disclaimer: This is my first story in a while, please be light on the comments.

This story is canceled, rewrite: TBD
Thanks to:
TheHuskyLord (Cover Art)

AppleFai
Scotishbro

Chapters (5)

A Start of A New Day · 27th May 2022 · 1,009 words
1,009
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The Meeting · 26th Jul 2022 · 732 words
732
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The Return · 18th Aug 2022 · 975 words
975
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Feelings and Changes · 12th Sep 2022 · 1,240 words
1,240
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The Sun & the Meadow · 10th Jan 2023 · 1,187 words
1,187
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Comments ( 6 )

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Starswirl the Beardless

Starswirl the Beardless #1 · Jun 5th, 2022 · 1 · · A Start of A New Day ·

This story has a few problems that I feel the need to bring up. First is the pacing, which is often a difficult thing to manage with shortfics like this. This chapter is 1k words, and yet you spend half of that describing Celestia going grocery shopping, something which adds nothing to the narrative and which she probably wouldn't even be doing in the first place. If you had described Celestia making breakfast for Luna instead, taking the time to sprinkle in characterization, then that would have been a much more useful for the narrative.

Even after that sequence, you immediately jump into the main plot with contrived dialogue that feels like an expodump. I would have liked to see more characterization in the way the princesses talk and hear them speak more naturally. This might have also had the added effect of getting the reader more invested in the plot hook you drop towards the end, which isn't that compelling as it currently is.

FriendsForever

FriendsForever #2 · Jun 6th, 2022 · · · A Start of A New Day ·

11262913
Ok, I appreciate the criticism.

That One Strange Fellow

That One Strange Fellow #3 · May 24th, 2023 · · · The Meeting ·

You brought this on yourself.

##### Chapter 1 #####

Equestria has gone through a lot over the years. There were unexpected times when the Elements of Harmony had to intervene. Without the elements, Equestria would not be able to survive and prosper. The rulers of this mostly equine society are the royal sisters, who ruled this land for over a thousand years.

Yes, and? That is the question of the paragraph. How do these points connect together? We've all seen the show, we don't need a recap when it doesn't help to detail timeline/plot.

Took a shower, brushed her mane and teeth, and smoothed over any blemishes on her coat that might have formed in her sleep.

Had to look up if blemishes is the right word. I stand corrected. Carry on.

She then grabbed her shopping bag and called her guards to go out and escort her in public. It was a beautiful day outside with no clouds in the sky, perfect weather for a brisk morning trot. She went to the market to get some essentials to make a good breakfast. On her way to the market, on the streets of Canterlot, her fellow regulars and nobles were going about their day. They all exchanged greetings with each other with smiles on their faces.

First of all, Celestia going grocery shopping. Starswirl the Beardless already touched upon this, but what? Why would the PRINCESS be GROCERY SHOPPING? Second, fellow regulars and nobles? Since when? Unless this is post-retirement, she's still a princess. Third, the entire story so far has felt stilted. The question returns: Yes, and? Some sentences serve to only be an annoyance, not weaved into the narrative but standing alone because they have to be stated. The worst part is that they can be reworked to fit into the narrative to show that illusive C H A R A C T E R I Z A T I O N.

Celestia checks each of these crowned fruits to see which of them feels and smells fresh. ~~Having been s~~Satisfied with one of the larger fruits, Celestia floated her prize over to the vendor, who gently placed the item in a bag.

*checked, watch the tense.

Celestia rummaged through her purse and pulled out the bits, proceeded with the purchase and insisted that the vendor kept the change. She then trotted along the walkway of the market, looked at and purchased other products as she went. She bought some bananas, kiwis, berries, apples, eggs, milk, and flour in much the same manner, have convinced every merchant to take the spare change in as calm a voice she could muster. She had a schedule to attend, and the ponies under her oftentimes proved detrimental to her day plans. Still, she loved them all the same.

Here's the problem: It's boring. NOTHING has happened so far. Correction, nothing of SUBSTANCE has happened so far. Those last two sentences though... SHOW, DON'T TELL! This is a prime opportunity for it! And given *checks rating* BUCK ALL has happened, it would be an improvement!

“I slept fine, I did my duty of raising the sun, and I was at the market getting the essentials. The ponies I passed by were preparing for Hearts and Hooves Day. I saw some romantic partners spending time together at cafés. I wish we could still have our own lovers to go to,” said Celestia as she did the same.

AHHHHHHH! Come! ON! You could have shown this! Also, the entire conversation is a pointless waste. No struggle, intrigue, or... SUBSTANCE. Banter, please! Maybe Luna has had a weird night involving some degenerate pervert and it still weirded out by the dreaming of her dressed in lingerie spanking them while they call her 'mommy'! Maybe... Celestia's trip to the market actually has something happen. It could trigger deep thoughts, emotions, perhaps that's how this whole thing STARTS.

How about instead of Celestia going grocery shopping for the sake of it, she instead takes a simple stroll through the market while some of the help does all that. It lets her interact with the common pony, maybe she gets a stallion (or mare) who approaches to ask her out for Heart's and Hooves Day, and it's SOMETHING to happen. Then, when she gets back to the castle, instead of Twilight sending a letter, it's she who takes the initiative to ponder about the lack of love in her life. THEN the letter shows up from Twilight sounding even more desperate, for some comedic effect, as if she hit heat and needs a good hard rutting. AND THEN Luna shows up and Celestia asks her, and suggests they do something to remedy the situation.

##### Chapter 2 #####

Unlike the royal sisters, the two brothers were in charge of changing the seasons.

"Sometimes Celestia also likes to speak of herself in the third person."

“So, Celestia, why did you have to wait until now to tell me all this? Did something make you want to share this story with me?” Twilight asked after she gasped in shock.

GASP FIRST, THEN THE REST!

“Well, the feeling of loneliness during Hearts and Hooves Day made me want to express my emotions here today. It’s been a while since we last saw them and we are not sure when they will come back to us,” replied Celestia.

And, you know, THE BUCKING LETTER! Her feelings were hardly touched upon in the previous chapter! If they were, then sure, maybe, but without the previous chapter exploring those emotions it hits the whole SHOW, DON'T TELL point again!

Twilight then accepts the task with respect to the princesses, and they thank her for it. Twilight knew that this task was challenging. Since she has been through a lot of unexpected events, she knew that this would be fun.

Is... Is this a joke?

After the meeting, life for the two sisters was pretty ordinary to them besides the royal duties they had to do. They then had some tea together, conversing about the past. They hoped Twilight would help reunite their lost friends and remain positive about that. The friends that they have not seen for centuries. Maybe they could help with controlling the seasons.

This has to be a joke, right? SHOW! DON'T! TELL! It's not that hard!

...

Okay, this story... needs a lot of work. I'm pleasantly surprised to say there aren't many (at least not at a glance) issues on the spelling/grammar front. The issues are almost entirely structural, and that's what's killing it for me. It's not a loss of a story, but it's one that can be expanded upon and improved. Honestly, take Starswirl the Beardless' comment and dial it up, and you receive a good idea of what is missing in this story. It goes too fast and has too little going on to justify the length it does have. Every part needs to be taken and reworked. Dialogue and description. Take the D&D and implement it into every part WHERE IT FITS.

Dialogue should have some banter, there should be INTERNAL dialogue, they should speak like actual ponies and not robots looking for the most optimal way to get a point across. Description needs more fluff in the right places. The mare shopping for flowers, the irate mare at the strawberry stand complaining about the prices going up, a stallion giving a kiss to his lover's cheek to elicit some giggles. The packed, noisy streets, the smell of baking cakes from some distant bakery, the guards spooking those nearby into bowing to the princess or keeping their distance... Sorry, where was that going? I was thinking of those cakes. DISTRACTION! Not everything is Point A to Point B without inadvertently hitting Points C and D along the way. And sometimes, those tangents can connect later (like the strawberry point perhaps being something to be foreshadowed for later).

I'll be honest, it's not the worst thing I've ever read. You actually did well with spelling and grammar, which is already a massive point in your favor. But despite pulling out a lot of the weeds, the garden is still a mess. It needs some care to blossom into an impressive orchard. Move the layout around, expand it into that unused ground surrounding the garden, organize the flowers and trees to produce an aesthetic design, and generally remove all the dirt you have covering the beauty.