Taming the Draconequus With Coffee

by Graymane Shadow

Closing The Deal

“You know,” Discord said one evening, as they were closing up the shop, “I couldn’t help noticing that it’s Hearts and Hooves Day this weekend. Are you planning to keep the place open?”

“Nah,” Joe replied. “That’s one of the slowest days of the year for me, so I usually close up and enjoy the day off. Why? You have an idea for something?”

“Not exactly,” the draconequus said, leaning against the wall, trying to look casual. “I was wondering if you might like to go on a picnic that day.”

Here it was. Either he was going to find out that this was all some cruel joke, or learn that Discord felt the same way he did. “Sounds like a plan to me.”

The next few days passed quickly, even by the standards of a hard-working Canterlot business owner who was on his hooves all day. Both of them were growing nervous as the date approached, though they tried to hide that fact from the other.

When the morning of Hearts and Hooves Day finally rolled around, Joe got up early, as always, scrubbed himself extra clean, styled his mane, and even applied a little cologne that his sister had sent him years ago. It was a strong scent, and made him sneeze a few times before it faded to a pleasing base note.

They’d agreed to meet on a hill on the far edge of Canterlot, which overlooked the valley below. As one of the parks that Princess Celestia had established in the city centuries prior, it was well maintained, and also quite populated that day, filled with happy couples spending time together in the lovely weather.

Unsurprisingly, Discord was easy to find. He had conjured a large tent, complete with several flags bearing pictures of himself waving overhead. Standing just outside the tent was a cotton candy machine, and standing behind it was the draconequus himself, serving up cotton candy to a growing line of ponies.

“Oh, you’re here!” Discord snapped one claw, and he appeared next to Joe…while leaving a clone of himself behind, which – or who? – continued to serve cotton candy.

“I’ll never get used to that,” Joe said, chuckling.

“I find it’s very handy for when you need to do something, but don’t want to do it yourself.”

The two of them walked into the tent, where the screens allowed them some privacy. Joe stretched out on the blanket, trying to enjoy his day off as much as possible.

“You clean up pretty nice,” Discord commented, sitting down next to Joe.

“You’re not so bad yourself,” Joe replied, meaning it. Discord had groomed his goatee and tail, and his horn looked like he’d polished it. Even if it had been done with magic, it was still an effort, and Joe appreciated it.

They spent a few minutes in silence, neither sure how to begin.

“So…” Joe said, letting his voice trail off.

“Would you date me?” Discord blurted out.

Joe stared into Discord’s eyes for several moments, looking for any deceit there, but he found none. “I thought we’d probably be having this conversation today.”

“The day did seem an apt one,” Discord admitted. “Fluttershy agreed.”

“Before I answer, I have a few questions.”

“I suppose that’s fair.”

Joe sat up, bringing himself closer to eye level with the still-sitting Discord. “Why me?”

“Why?” Discord sounded surprised, as though Joe had asked the most obvious question in the world. “What do you mean, why?”

“I mean why me? I may be a stallion and not a mare, but even stallions like to know what someone else sees in them.”

The draconequus huffed. “Ugh, I hate getting sappy. Do I really have to answer?”

“Yes, you do,” Joe replied, fighting to keep a straight face.

“Fine. To be honest…it’s because you’ve always treated me with kindness. Yes, Fluttershy is kind to me as well, but it’s different with her. I went to your shop, was mildly insulting, but you took it in stride, and before I knew it, I felt like you’d carved a little space for me in your life. That’s not something I’ve ever been on the receiving end of before, not from a stallion at least.”

Joe was touched. “And when did you realize you wanted something more?”

“That one’s easy. When you asked me for my help. Ponies don’t ask for my help, ever, because they’re worried about the consequences. Whereas you not only didn’t seem to worry, you were planning on the consequences as a positive thing.”

“Well, I knew you pretty well by that point,” Joe replied, a wry grin tugging at his face. “Let it not be said I’m not an opportunistic businesspony.”

“And lastly…I enjoy being around you. You’re like a rock for me. You balance out my worst tendencies, while giving me ways to still be, well, me. Plus, you’ve done wonders for my image.” He threw his head back, flashing lights making it seem like he was being photographed for a magazine spread. "I'm the talk of the town now!"

Joe waited for him to finish showing off. “Thanks for being honest with me, Discord.”

The draconequus bit his lip. “…and?”

The baker decided he’d dragged this on long enough. “Of course I’ll date you, you big softie. Now get over here and snuggle.”

Of course, Discord being Discord, such a moment could never be celebrated with a thing so small as snuggling. Fireworks erupted from the top of the tent, exploding loudly in a shower of sparks over the park. Discord himself started to dance, shouting, “He said yes! He said yes! He’s all mine!” before breaking into cartwheels.

He was stopped mid-spin as Joe wrapped his hooves around his arms, staring into those yellow eyes.

“Just for that, now you have to give me a kiss,” Joe said, smirking.

Discord grinned. “I thought you’d never ask.”

---

Six months later…

“Fifteen dozen cake-filled longhorns for the palace by tomorrow?” Joe read the order slip with a mixture of surprise and annoyance. “Those things are a pain to make as is. I don’t know if I can do fifteen dozen by tomorrow. Couldn’t they have given us more notice?”

“I’m afraid that’s my fault,” Discord admitted. “I may have accidentally turned the letter they sent last week into confetti without thinking.” At Joe’s annoyed look, the draconequus shrugged. “What? It made Twilight laugh when she was here. And you know how hard I have to try to accomplish that.”

“Well, how about you make me laugh and go manage the counter for the day,” Joe grumbled, but try as he might to sound grumpy, there was no venom in his tone.

“Anything for you, dear,” Discord teased. He made his way back out front, swaying his hips exaggeratedly, a move calculated to make Joe laugh.

For Joe, there were three key elements to life. The first was a well made donut. The second, a great cup of coffee. The third, the unlikely relationship with the Lord of Chaos he'd found himself swept up in.

With one last smile, Joe turned back to the mixer and got to work.

Author's Note:

This wasn't the story I had planned for May Pairings, but...

...sometimes you just have to have a little fun.

Comments

[Steel Quill]

A unique pairing indeed. The dynamics of this shop make it stand out, enough to keep you seated to see how things play out. I can tell this was done with a time crunch in mind, but that doesn’t take away from it necessarily. It’s a charming display of surprise affection between two beings who had otherwise never met before. Perhaps the chaos of that very idea is what carries it.

Well done!

[SockPuppet]

You madlad!

(...I'll read later. )

[Lord Headcheez]

This is genuinely adorable! Well done!

[wishcometrue]

Aw, that was really sweet. Nice job making a crackship like this work so well!

[Tallow and Port]

Loved it! and that's true, if the writing's good enough, almost any ship has a leg to stand on.

[Algedor]

A ship i wasn't expecting, now a ship that I love.
Great job!!

[Walt2012]

(applauds)

[readsponies]

I enjoyed this, and at the same time I found it unsatisfying. There is almost no relationship building here, or if there is, it's all either offscreen or told, not shown. We don't even see what a day between them looks like after the first or before the last. What was written was a description of a relationship developing that's believable and fun to read about, but that never actually happens.

To put it another way: write more!

[AtomicClop]

Ha! Cute.

[JamieGwyn]

This was a surprisingly good and refreshingly fun read. Discord's characterization was spot-on and you did a great job of fleshing-out Donut Joe.

[Graymane Shadow]

10921144

Thanks! It was certainly an experiment to write. I might come back to these two at some point if I get a good idea.

[Themaskedferret]

A beautiful crack ship done with earnest sincerity.