Horny, Horny, Go Away, Come Back Another Day
‘Man it sure is a beautiful day in Ponyville!’ Your optimistic thoughts come naturally after spending a moderate amount of time in the town. With the good vibes the townsfolk naturally exuded, paired with the closeness you shared with your friends; you were almost always in a good mood after arriving in Equestria.
Speaking of friends, you’ve just crossed ‘Mane street’ and look, there’s Rarity! Although; you do find it strange that she’d be outside so early in the morning— and dressed up in such scandalous clothing...
Ah, You’re sure it’s just her going through another fashion trend. Those happened quite often, actually!
Rarity’s eyes widened once she spotted you, but they quickly lidded as she developed a strange gait and moved towards your direction, sashaying those pony hips of hers.
Oh hey, It’s that thing she does when she’s happy, she must be in a good mood too!
She was close now, once you’d met halfway, you give her a smile and a wave, “Good morning, Rarity!”
Her eyes widened once more and she stumbled on on herself briefly, before recovering.
“Hu- huh?” Her face turned red for some reason. “I’m a-afraid I don’t know who that is!” She made a weird face, “I’m but a lonesome escort! looking for someone to spend the night with. ~”
You blinked. “...But it’s morning?”
She winced in embarrassment. “Morning, I meant morning!” She corrected. You noticed her face looked a tiny bit different, her face stuck in a constant blush.
You also noticed the fishnet stockings as well, but it’s rude to stare.
“Are you wearing extra makeup today, Rarity? What’s the occasion?”
“I’m not Rarity!” She defended, her voice inflection rather strange. “In fact, I’ve never met her!”
You deadpanned. “Uh huh.” you scratched your chin. “Is this a bit?”
She cocked her head. “Bit, like the currency?”
“No, y’know. A goof, a gaff, a funny moment?”
“I don’t understand. What’s funny about a respectable businessmare earning a modest income?”
“Rarity. I know it’s you. I can see your Cutie Mark through your leggings.”
She laughed awkwardly and hastily crossed out her mark with a sharpie she materialized out of thin air. “No you can’t!”
You blinked.
“Couldn’t you have just disguised it with magic instead? Or, y’know. Put on real pants?”
Her embarrassment radiated across her face. She mumbled something along the lines of ‘Stupid sexy Anon, not letting me think clearly’ before she cleared her throat nervously and gave a crooked smile. “~ I am just a humble street walker looking for some hot monkey action to cool the eternal flame I feel in my soul!“ She fluffed her mane. “Oh won’t you Quench my heat ~?”
You furrowed your brow. “I don’t think a flame is eternal if it can be cooled down...”
“Oh for bucks sake Anon!”
“Who’s Buck and why do I care for his sake?”
Rarity facehooved and scowled. “Oh my Celestia you’re ruining the fantasy so hard.”
“What fantasy?”
She growled. “The fantasy where you buck me!”
“Buck you?” Confusion ripples across your face.
“Yes! Buck me!” She shouted, giving a little hop and inflating her cheeks.
“I don’t want to kick you though.” You scrunched up your face. “Is this a kink thing?”
“No I don’t have a kink with being kicked! I have a kink were you wear my thighs like earmuffs while I practically waterboard you with my-” You put your hands on her muzzle. “Rares, calm down you’re yelling a little loud...” Your eyes flicker to the cautious parents and curious foals around. “I don’t think-“
She shook herself free.
“I’ve had enough of your games Anon, you’ve played hard-to-get long enough.” She stomped. “Why won’t you buck me already!? Am I not good looking enough for you?” She sneered.
You deadpanned. “Well, your face is looking a little bit more kickable the more you yell at me, homie, If I’m being honest...”
She growled. “Let me put it into words you can understand...” she magicked you closer.
“I want you to fuck me.“
...
You gawked at her for a moment, and then you finally blinked and rattled off “Wait. Like for real?”
She nodded vigorously, throwing her hooves into the air. “Yes!”
You stood there for a moment in silence and shock.
“This isn’t a meme?” You croaked out.
“No!” Rarity’s frustration had reached its apex, her breathing coming out in light pants. You paused, your eyes flickering from the ground, to Rarity, before widening in realization. “Wait...”
You stepped back.
“...does that mean the others want to bone me as well?” You shook, your hands clutching into fists. “THEY WERE SERIOUS? All of them? Twilight, Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy?”
You were in awe.
She nodded her head, seemingly uncomfortable with your reaction. You put your hands over your ears.
“Oh my fucking god.” Your shaking intensified.
“Anon... it really isn’t that bad.” She didn’t understand your shaking, but it didn’t seem like a good thing, “Are you... alright?” She got closer, jumping after you exploded into uproarious laughter.
“Anon?” She whispered.
Your laughter actually increased. And it took until a few minutes after you’d fallen to the ground to finally calm yourself.
Rarity entered your blurry vision from above you. “Anon, why are you laughing?”
You flicked a tear away, your chuckles dying off. You got off the ground, giving off a humorous sigh, you took a deep breath. “Oh my god.” You placed a hand to your forehead. “Oh my god. I thought you were all joking!” You giggled.
Rarity seemed miffed at your apparent affront against herself and your friends.
“Are our attempts at affection that humours to you, Anon? It seems rather... cruel, to think it all a joke.” She seemed a little downtrodden at your laughing fit.
’Oh, you poor dear.’
You shook your head, placing a hand on her shoulder comfortingly. “Oh Rarity, It’s not that. It’s just... I thought you all knew.”
She looked up from the ground, “Knew?” She inquired, confused, “knew what?”
You grinned.
“I’m gay, Rarity. I don’t like mares,” You shrugged, “actually, I’m not into ponies in general.”
Rarity stood there in silence, her face going through a range of emotions. From shock, to grief, to anger— and then finally; acceptance.
Well actually it looked more ‘dead on the inside’ then acceptance, but details.
“All that time,” she began, “You were never attracted to females in the first place?” Her face contorted to a look similar to that of a solider in shell shock. “... You weren’t playing hard to get. You just weren’t playing at all.” She slumped.
“Buck.” Her face was a rose of colour so bright, it almost looked like it burned.
You laughed. “You were horny! Horny for me! All this time, all those strange things you and the others did, it was all because every single one of you were horny. Horny for ME!” You started laughing again, the absurdity too much for you to handle.
Rarity wanted to curl up and die.
“—all those times Applejack asked me to ‘plow her fields‘?” You snorted as you took a deep breath between sentences. “All those times Twilight wanted me to take off my clothes for a ’study’?” You slapped your knee, your green face somehow turning red.
“Oh the little pervert! ~” You wheezed, the idea of Twilight, of all ponies, hitting on you the most awkward way possible was too hilarious.
You hiccuped and clapped like a retarded seal, convulsing as no more air made it into your lungs from laughing so hard.
You choked down some more air after your face went almost blue. Your giggles broke off, allowing you to let out a loud cheer.
“I’m so gonna fucking blackmail her!”
“ANON!” Rarity shouted.
You just cackled. Planning to have a ‘talk’ with your other friends later, already imagining their horrified reactions.
But only after Rarity stopped trying to hit you.
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This is the funniest thing I've ever come upon!
Unicorns: horny on mane.
There's always spiders
How are you so good?! Good lord, man. You're on a tier all your own!
Usually incorrect usage of semicolons really gets under my skin, however, these stories are so god-tier that it doesn't even bother me in the slightest; only someone of the giggle apex could truly make that compound on the funny factor.
Good shit. 10/10.
*places spider in sandwich*.
This story comes up to my recommend yet I am literally really being horny.
Big meme
Wh...why would there be spiders?
COMEDY GOLD.
10482946
10490817
I believe I already answered that.
I don't usually like "Anon" stories, but this. This is gold
I know it's your own story, so ignore this if it's annoying, but imagine if Anon was straight and this was just his way to get out. He ends up getting outted and ends up having to use a next sexual identity, which they immediately accept. Then they get suspicious AGAIN, so he starts going through a whole cycle of identities, political orientations, philosophys, and even changes his physical form (with magic). It's all a game to him because, "I know you guys, you're persuasive bunch! I don't stand a chance with my flimsy sexuality and over all lackadaisical attitude. I'd be screwing horses within the week if I didn't do this, and I don't WANT to screw horses! It's kinda like an admittance that you're never going back home. 'Going native' generally means that. But if my generation has taught me anything it's how to get out of an awkward situation via social stigma!"
Obviously Anon is a jerk in this as is his true form, but I'm sure there'd be a more tasteful way to do this. Be like walking a tightrope, luckily that's a rather premium kind of entertainment as it is.
None of this is a suggestion, just a brainstorm with myself and it's definitely not refined. Just wanted to get this idea out, maybe there's something in it worth taking? Idk
Maybe, maybe not. You'll just have to wait and see... minecraft classic
Why art thou gae, anonymous sapient?
And then he got jumped by Big Mac... and found out the HARD way what was truly BIG about him.
Anon did not survive...
this is awesome
run 3
The baseball bat has a very prominent place!
Sudoku 247
Yes please! I would love a sequel where he confronts the others or about the misunderstadings of what they were saying
Also can't help but notice that when he was listing the names of those horny for him, he didnt say ponkers name
10515605
) fic where the human was gay.
I wanna read that fic.
I've only came across one (maybe 2
This Entire Fic Is the Gold Standard of Funneh
"You hiccuped and clapped like a retarded seal"
That line alone about made me hyperventilate from laughing.
Holy shit he is literally me.