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Just read the first chapter and horey sheeet!
Usually, I don't like fics that involve OCs but this is damn well written. There are a few typos but nothing spectacular. I'll read the rest when it will be complete, I don't like reading half finished stuff.
Black hole sun, won't you come,
and wash away the rain,
black hole sun, won't you come,
won't you come? Le song...
I'm not one for these kinds of stories, but it is well written, so why not?
Names a bit bad because Black holes in general are not good. Should have been Dusk or something since we have Twilight and Dawn but meh.
Outside that seems good from skimming. thumbs up. I'd read it in full but the spacing is terrible, you should put paragraphs between everytime someone talks.
after Twilight saids something and Trixie is about to say something break to a new paragraph. Makes readers not feel like they are reading walls of text. and organizes things better for fast readers who skip around.
Ehhh....This story is hard to understand sometimes. Could you MLA format it or something?
I see that I'm not the only one who sees Angel as being basically a very jealous and malicious personality. Fluttershy is just too kind-hearted to see it herself.
Were you the author of this because a few weeks ago I read this on another site. The funny thing is I was looking for it on here yesterday couldn't find it. Looked at Slice of Life found it.
I remember seeing that picture on DA.
1116209 that is very true, but I had Soundgarden on the brain when I was writting this.
1116200 Black Hole Sun best soundgarden song ever
Oh wow, this story is great! Glad it got featured, looking forwards to reading more!
1116415 but the music vid to it is wierd to say the least
1116549 yes it is. but it is still an amazing song.
1116557 agreed
Red Dawn tried to wake over to her but fell down. "Twilight snickered at his clumsiness." Shouldn't there be no " in it? But otherwise than that is was good
Okay, first big problem... Formatting. Formatting is the thing that always gets me. One of those bug-bears.
Well... More like only big problem, actually...
Big mac!!!! NOOOOOOO
This story has so many feels. MORE
dude, some constructive criticism, you gotta start a new sentence when someone else talks. can't be just one jumbled paragraph.
So many shippingssss
1116789 thats a problem with writing entire stories on my ipod touch
All the SHIPPPSSS
1116829 thats the magic of shipping
1116804
So... Don't do that.
I haven't read "Angel Cake" so what do I need to know to fully understand this fic?
All in all though not a bad start.
While the story itself is quite good, the formatting is not easy on the eyes.
Um why would Granny Smith be allowed to kick her own granddaugther out of the house just because of her relationship with another mare, Applejack and Rarity have just as much a say in this as she does?!
1116236 I don't think he's as mean you've made him out to be, in my book he can be a spoiled brat at times but mostly he just gets tired of having a master who constantly hides behind him and others and he gets sick of it!
1116755 And then Fluttershy burst in and saw everything!
1117942 I write my storieson my iPod to format and writing structure always tend to suffer. And yes to fully understand this story you probably should read angel cake
ps do get an editer
Thank You that rabbit is EVIL!!!!!!!
Has positional but needs major editing. The progression is too fast, nowhere near enough detail or traversal between scenes, emotions seem ambiguous and left up to the reader to guess current state of feelings.
Perhaps I can lend a hoof? When I'm not working on my own project.
1192940 thank you for the offer. I am going to be looking for a editor soon. Btw did you mean potential, because positional has more to do with the location of something just saying.
chzbronies.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-best-cutie-mark.png
I read this story somewhere else I'm not to sure your the author of it. They had it published much longer.
twi reddawn
every one lsea
great story write anther plase your great.
1272059 do you have any ideas I'm kinda in a writers block?
1471091
I have a new one where Twilights mom is pregnant again.
Hey guys, I'm making a creepy pasta called Angel Cake! Who wants to help?
No offense but I feel Black Hole Sun was a name you just threw in there because you were rushing.
P.S. Twilight wouldn't just name her foal because it has black fur and yellow orange fur so let's just name it about something black and something yellow orange, and 3 words is too much in a name that is meant to be used to address a person.
Overall I just think you put little thought into the name Black Hole Sun.
This needs to be rated mature, because of Rainbow's and Pinkie's...scene, and Braeburn jacking off.
4866340 Author hasn't been on for over a year so it's safe to say this story isn't getting properly tagged anytime soon.
4878716
It must have been changed by the mods already.
That was fast! I submitted the report yesterday, I believe...
Sorry I can't read this. Paragraphs too long, not really clear who is talking when.
It's too distracting